


Dar'manda

by BigBootBitch



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fake Marriage, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mandalorian Culture, Mando'a, Slow Burn, helmet comes off, not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:01:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 35
Words: 138,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24939493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBootBitch/pseuds/BigBootBitch
Summary: In only a few months I’d gone from a hunter to a father to a slave. And now I had another word to add to the list as well, husband.COMPLETED
Relationships: Baby Yoda & The Mandalorian (The Mandalorian TV), The Mandalorian (The Mandalorian TV) & Paz Vizla, The Mandalorian (The Mandalorian TV)/Paz Vizla
Comments: 305
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Wedding Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22095370) by [robinasnyder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinasnyder/pseuds/robinasnyder). 



> Hey everyone!  
> Wanted to give a quick TW for Non con (implied, never descriptive), Graphic violence and eventual smut (maybe, if people want it).
> 
> Okay that's all enjoy!  
> Cork

I could feel my mouth form the words but for some reason I couldn’t comprehend the fact that I was saying them. This whole situation felt strange. In only a few months I’d gone from a hunter to a father to a slave. And now I had another word to add to the list as well, husband.

  


“Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar’tome, mhi me’dinui an, mhi ba’juri verde,” Paz spoke them back to me clear and confident. If I hadn’t known otherwise I could even believe it had been genuine but this was clearly just a legal hoop to jump through. After all, Mandolorians valued family over all else, having a sex slave with you while you traveled would be seen as criminal however marrying a dar’manda while extremely shameful, would be seen as forgivable.

  


When Paz had entered the brothel I had known who it was immediately even before seeing him I could recognize his steps and the distinct sound of moving beskar. I had wanted to hide, ashamed to face a clan member without my beskar’am until I remembered he had not seen my face for nearly 30 years. Last time he would have seen my face would have been when I had sworn the creed. He would not recognize me. Somehow at the time that had made it worse.

  


However, I couldn’t hide in plain sight forever. Eventually he heard me speak and recognized me. The next day I was told he had bought me and I was leaving with him. I still remember my past master saying to Paz “Are you certain you don’t want to try him out before buying him? We don’t refund.”

  


“I’m certain.” He had said coldly. The interaction had terrified me.

  


And two weeks later we were here. Saying traditional wedding vows so he could feel less guilty about having me with him. I wanted to scream or fight or do something but I hadn’t and the words had spilled out of my mouth regardless.

  


The ceremony finished quickly, afterall it was only the two of us. No witness is required in a Mandalorian wedding, your honor is enough of a promise to your tribe. I was ready to leave as soon as the ceremony ended but before I could Paz leaned down to touch his helmet lightly to my forehead. A keldabe kiss.

With this small gesture the gravity of the situation hit me. I had spoken the riduurok. I had vowed myself to another. I may no longer be mando’ade but I still hold the beliefs in my heart like a stone. What had I done? He had asked and I had said yes but it wasn’t a real choice right? I couldn’t exactly say no. Did it truly matter if he already owned me? Maybe this way I could allow myself some respect. A husband is a better title than slave.

Lost in my own thoughts, he took my hand and led me down a small city street. I couldn’t recall what planet we were on let alone the city. The days traveling in the rundown ship Paz owned seemed surreal and far away now.

“I thought this would be nicer than my ship for tonight.” He explained as we entered a modest hotel.

I couldn’t think of anything to say as he led me up to the room. It was small but welcoming. A large bed was covered in a thick blanket and the pillows looked soft. I hadn’t slept in a real bed since before the child, even then it was only the small cot in the _Crest_.

I let the thought leave my mind as I steeled myself for what came next. It wouldn’t be that bad. Not as bad as the first time. What made it worse was I had always looked up to Paz, yeah he was aggressive and had a short fuse but he was also mandokarla. I guess I was wrong.

He locked the door and turned to face me. I could feel his gaze through the visor and was about to start undressing when he reached for his helmet. Slowly he released it and pulled it off.

I was frozen. I was used to being without mine but seeing someone else removed there’s shocked me. It was normal for a couple to see each other without helmets after the riduurok but in this situation Paz could easily have kept his face covered. There was an honesty and vulnerability that came from removing your helmet, I did not seem to deserve that with my position.

“Din...” he started. His voice sounded so smooth without the modulator and I couldn’t take my eyes off of his sharp features. Last I’d seen his face was still round with adolescence. Now he had a strong jaw and cheekbones. His dark skin once covered with blemishes was perfectly clear.

Before he could finish what he was saying I pulled my shirt over my head certain of what he was about to ask. After all I couldn’t listen to whatever he was going to say, I did not want to be reminded of when he was my friend.

“Hey, Din wait.” Paz stepped closer, trying to calm me. “What are you doing?”

I felt uncertainty swell through my veins, “Undressing? That’s what you want right?”

His brown eyes went wide. “No. No that’s-“

“Isn’t that what all this is about?”

“What what is about?” I could tell he was on edge, it annoyed me that he was playing dumb, like this wasn’t the plan all along.

“The riduurok? You want me as your husband because you... want me.”

I was overwhelmed by the expression of his face. It shifted quickly from confusion to anger, for a second I thought I saw a hint of pity. I recognized the untrained expressiveness I use to see on my own face. I tried to observe every little movement but it just confuses me further.

“What do you mean by that?” There was just a hint of anger in his voice.

“Well Paz, you bought me as a slave from a whorehouse not many other ways to see this.” I blurted out.

He straightened to his full height towering over me and for a moment I thought he was going to strike me. He took in a deep breath and through gritted teeth spat, “I bought your freedom.”

I rolled my eyes seething now from his idea of a savior complex. “Oh really? Then why marry me if it wasn’t to fuck me guilt free?”

Paz took another step closer and we were nearly chest to chest. I was still clutching the light shirt in my hand, I wish it was a blade. “To help gain back your status! I was trying to help!”

“I don’t need your help!” I yelled back, throwing my shirt at his face. He caught it and threw it to the ground.

“Yeah really seemed like you had the situation handled!”

“I had a plan.” I responded knowing the only thing I had was a hidden knife some creep had given me.

“And the foundling?” He asked voice dripping with poison.

“What about him?”

“Last I heard he was in your care? So tell me is he even still alive! Do you even know?”

Something in me cracked at the thought of him, at the thought of what Paz was implying. I pushed on his chest as hard as I could. I was even weaker than I used to be and he barely moved. “How dare you say that about me. I did everything I could to keep him safe and it got me dehelmed and in a fucking brothel.” I pushed again and this time he stumbled back. “Ner ad’ika is safe and none of your fucking business!”

We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, I had cornered him so his back was against the door. For a second I thought a tear might fall. I missed the little womp rat so much and not being able to protect him myself was killing me. Before a tear could fall I turned toward the bed and sat to take off my boots.

“Din,” his voice was soft again. It reminded me of when we were young. “I-I...”

I looked up to see the remorse evident on his face but I refused to accept it without him saying it.

“I-I’ll come back in the morning.” He said instead, “We can talk then. Jate ca Din.” I watched as he replaced his helmet and walked out the door.

Now alone I stripped down to my shorts and wandered aimlessly around the room. I was exhausted but I was still too furious to relax. I noticed a bar cart and poured myself a generous drink. I paced the room. I looked out the window at the small streets below. Maybe I could escape. I could earn my way on a transport somehow. I could get back to the child but then what? I had no ship. I had no credits. He wouldn’t be safe with me.

By now I gave up on the glass and took the whole bottle with me to the fresher. I tried to relax under the hot water, with the help of the liquor it wasn’t too hard. Finally I let myself lay in the bed. I was immediately comfortable but I still struggled to sleep. For the last month I had slept on the floor and before that I usually slept in my pilot's chair a large comfortable bed with a thick blanket felt far too foreign for me.

Not making sleep any easier my thoughts raced over everything that happened. Everything that was said. I couldn’t make sense of the mess in my mind, he said he was buying my freedom but why? And if true, why marry me? When he had asked a few days ago I had said yes simply because I didn’t think it was an actual choice. As usually I was probably overthinking everything.

I tried to only focus on my current situation but my worry for the child kept creeping in. ‘Is he alive? Do you even know!’ It echoed in my mind. I believe I did. When I left him he had been safe, I had a feeling that job would be bad and luckily I had the common sense not to bring him. Somehow it seemed the kid knew something bad would happen too. I couldn’t get the image of him struggling in Cara’s arms for me out of my head.

Realizing sleep would not come so easy to me I sat up and grabbed the mostly emptied bottle and finished it off. That should do the trick, I laid on top of the blanket, the warmth felt suffocating after being used to sleeping without one, and finally fell into a restless sleep.

My head pounded as I woke up the next morning. For a moment I couldn’t remember where I was or how I got here. I quickly stood as quietly as I could and I scanned the room for a weapon. Who was I with last night? Where were they? Suddenly I noticed the neat pile of blue beskar on a chair in the room. Right. Paz.

Realizing I wasn’t in immediate danger I sat back on the bed with my head in my hands. I could hear the light noise of the fresher and it only made my head pound harder. My skull felt like it was about to crack open. How much did I drink last night?

“You’re awake.” I looked up to see Paz in the door to the bathroom in only his under armour, gently drying his shoulder length dreads with a towel. Somehow he looked even larger without the armor.

I only moaned in response, not trusting my brain to form words.

“Here, take this,” he offered a tin of pills and some water.

“Thanks.” I managed to mumble out.

He stood awkwardly to the side of the bed trying not to look at me. I was confused for a moment until I realized I was still only in my undershorts. I must be making him uncomfortable. I didn’t care. I tried not to think how uncomfortable I had been when I first arrived at the house but I had quickly decided I could fear it or own it. Now the loose shorts I wore were modest in comparison.

Instead of saving him from his embarrassment I looked over to my now folded clothes on the side of the bed before finishing my drink. As he realized I wouldn’t let him off so easy he moved to inspect his armor which I knew was in perfect condition.

“So what now?” I asked, finally dressed.

Paz turned back to me. “Whatever you want like I said I only intended to buy your freedom nothing more. If you want you can leave, I can spare enough credits to get you on a transport.”

“And the riduurok?”

“It never happened. We didn’t complete it anyway.”

I considered my options once again. Leave and hope to get safely back to the child but that was a huge risk. “When you asked me... did you mean it?”

He shifted awkwardly on his feet. It reminded me of when we were young, “I thought it would help regain your status.”

“How? I’m dar’manda. I can’t-“

“Don’t say that.” Paz interrupted. “You are not a traitor.”

“ I was dehelmed Paz. I can’t go back.”

“But if you’re riduur was the only one that knew we could keep it to ourselves. Only aliit would have seen you without it.”

I sighed. “Many more saw me without it.”

“But who would ever know?”

I suddenly understood what he was saying. “You mean we lie to the alor?”

Paz took a breath in and straightened his spine. “To keep you safe, yes.”

I sat down on the bed surprised he would even suggest such a thing. He had always been one to stand by the tribe no matter what. No exceptions. But now he was okay with lying to the alor? It didn’t sit right in me. “And what do you get in this scenario? Me as your husband?”

“If that’s what you want if not that’s fine. I just thought this way you could re enter the tribe.” He looked down at me but not quite meeting my eyes.

I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t wrap my head around him doing this for no reason. “I lost all my beskar’am, even if I wanted to I couldn’t.”

“We’ll find it. You know how people fetishize our culture. I doubt someone who bought it would destroy it.”

He was right about that. I remembered my least favorite “regular” how he had recognized my tattoo I had in mando’a how he became obsessed with the thought that I was a mandalorian warrior. He disgusted me. “And what about you?”

“What about me?”

I gestured to his face. “Well if I don’t do the marriage you’ve dehelmed as well.”

“I’ll never mention it if you don’t.” He said it so matter of fact as if lying about this wasn’t just as bad.

“Paz-“

“I know. I know but Din what happened to you, what was taken from you,” I looked down at my feet as he spoke. “It was wrong. The tribe would understand. I understand. I don’t want you to give up on the creed.”

“I need to get back to the child.” He’s all that matters, I thought to myself.

He used one finger to lift my chin so I was eye to eye with him. “Then let’s get him. I’ll make sure you both are safe.”

I remember Paz saying something similar when we were only teenagers in purge. I had trusted him with my life then. I wasn’t sure where we stood now but it was safer with him. With a ship. “Okay.”

“Okay?” He asked a hint of a smile on his face.

“Yeah. Let’s do it together and the riduurok can wait.”

Now Paz smiled fully softening his strong features, “Of course it can wait verd’ika.”

I gave him a side eyed look at the pet name but he only laughed. The sound of it pulled a smile on my own lips. Maybe he was still my friend, maybe he was my enemy. I wasn’t sure but I knew this was the safer route. I’d get back to the child and I’d keep him safe no matter what.

“Come on. I have a surprise for you.”  
  
---


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I'm so happy to see people are interested in this story. Thanks so much for your kudos and comments I love seeing them! Just so everyone knows, I've been writing a lot since I'm recovering from Covid so I have tons of time on my hands and Chapter 3 should be up in the next few days! However once I have to go back to work I'm not sure how consistent my updates will be.
> 
> *Also TW for substance abuse*
> 
> Hope you like it!  
> Cork

The bright afternoon sun shined off the decaying metal of the ship in front of me. I stopped in my tracks not quite believing my eyes. The Razor Crest, my ship, was right here in front of me.

“How... how did you get this?”

“Finding the ship was the easy part. Tracking you down on the other hand was much harder.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant. I was about to ask when Paz nudged me lightly on the shoulder as he walked toward the ship. “Well come on. I know your aching to fly her again.”

For a moment I just stood and took in the sight. My ship. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again. Bounty hunting was lonely and traveling all the time meant even the covert wasn’t home. During all those years of hunting, the  _ Crest _ had become my home. I no longer had the tribe but at least I had this.

I ran slightly to catch up with Paz now lowering the ramp. “What about your ship?”

“That piece of garbage? I sold it. Extra cash for the trip.”

“Wait, you sold it for the  _ Crest _ ?”

He dropped the bag he was carrying with supplies. “This ship has been in the tribe for decades. It’s better this way.”

I was about to push him more on what he meant but being in the ship had suddenly stunned me. I was overwhelmed by it. It looked just as I’d left it and I couldn’t help checking each compartment not sure if any of it was actually real. Surely it couldn’t be real.

With the click of a few buttons my weapons locker opened. I stood in front of the display in awe. I hesitated for a moment, were they mine? I had no money. I had nothing but the cheap clothes on my back and Paz had even paid for those. But then as the seconds passed I realized they deserved to belong to me. I had lost so much but the Crest and my weapons... I had not yet lost them.

I grabbed a pistol I was used to and holstered it to my hip. I took a vibroblade and tucked it into my boot. I admired the weight of them on my person. The power they brought to me. Finally I had more to defend myself with than just my fists.

I looked over to see Paz staring at me from where he was unloading the supplies. All at once I felt self conscious and closed the weapons locker to continue my search. I found nothing of import and wasn’t looking for anything either, still I kept looking.

Finally I stood in front of the sleep compartment. I desperately didn’t want to open it. I could imagine the child standing in there reaching up to me as he did most mornings. The times I lingered after he fell asleep clutching my mythosaur pendant in his tiny hand. I didn’t want to open it but I did anyway.

As I knew it would be it was empty. Just a small compartment that meant nothing to anyone but me. But there was a concrete absence to it and I couldn’t help but think of when I’d seen the empty pram outside the imp safehouse. At the time I had been certain I was too late. I hope I’m not now.

“You ready to take off?” There was a patience in his voice I wasn’t used to.

“Uh yeah. Yeah let’s go.” But just as I turned to close the door I saw it. A reflection of light tucked to the side. When I reached in and grabbed it I looked to see a little silver ball in the palm of my hand. Before Paz could ask I pocketed it and followed him to the cockpit.

He motioned for me to sit in the pilot's seat and I was relieved. This well worn routine would keep my mind occupied for a little while. Besides feeling Paz watching me from behind his visor, readying the ship felt almost as it always had. Within a few minutes we were out of orbit and it was then that I wasn’t sure what to do next.

I could set course for nevarro but I wasn’t certain that’s where they were. Instead I took a moment to check the comms and found a few encrypted messages. Paz remained quiet as I worked through the encryptions. It was unsettling, as if I was being haunted. The once comfortable silence between us developed into an awkward tension. It was nearly impossible to focus but finally I cracked it.

With a buzz the first message popped up and Cara was there in front of me. “Hey everyone is still fine but I wanted to tell you to contact me as soon as you can. I’m sure you just got slowed down on the job. We’ll be waiting here for you.” With another buzz it cut off.

Immediately after, a second message popped up, “Still safe. Still waiting. Contact soon.”

This time when the next started Cara was there holding the child. He looked safe and I breathed out with relief. However, Cara’s cheek was bleeding and a bruise was forming over her eye. “Had some trouble. No need to worry it’s taken care of. We’re still safe here I’ll send coordinates if we need to leave.” She leaned forward to end the comm but then stood back up. “I really hope you’re okay. Please call soon. Come on kid, say bye to your dad.” In response the baby perked up and babbled his normal nonsense. The comm ended.

With another buzz came another message. “It’s been a month since you said you’d be back. Truthfully, I don’t think you’re coming back. I doubt you’ll see any of these if by chance you do,” she looked up and even through the comm I could feel her stare. “Just know I’ll keep him safe. I won’t let anything happen to him. I promise.” Her words felt present, as if they were tangible things floating in the tension of the cockpit. “I won’t contact again unless we move location.” Again she paused there was a look of uncertainty on her face I was not used to, “Please don’t be dead Din.”

And with a last buzz it was quiet. The silence enveloped me as her last words hung over us. I waited hoping for more but there was nothing. So they’re still on nevarro, I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

I felt a hand on my shoulder before I heard what was being said. “-you okay? Din?”

I nodded. My throat felt too tight to speak.

“Here sit down.” He led me back to the pilot’s chair. I hadn’t even noticed I left it. “Do you know where they are?”

I cleared my throat. “Nevarro.” 

Reaching over me his hands made quick work of inputting the coordinates and putting us into hyperdrive. “And the women? Who is she?”

“Cara Dune. Ex rebel shocktrooper. I trust her. She’s my friend.” I stumbled through the facts I had of her without really thinking about it. My thoughts were far away, I couldn't get the image of the baby out of my head. Maker, I hope they’re still safe.

“And she knows your name?” He added with curious tint still looking at the controls.

The question pulled me from my thoughts not quite sure what he was implying. “We’ve been through a lot.”

It was the only explanation I was willing to give. Luckily he didn’t ask any further questions. It was not normal for anyone out of our tribe to know our names. It was safer for us that way. To be anonymous was to be safe. I had not had that luxury with Cara but now for some reason I was glad she knew my name.

Even though I was sitting in the pilot seat I was doing none of the actual piloting. Paz was still leaned over in an awkward position. “It’s going to be a day before we get there. You can go rest if you want.”

He offered it as a suggestion but I know he needed me out of his way. Without answering I stepped to the side and lowered myself into the bottom level.

Thinking about waiting a day in uncertainty was unsettling. I wanted nothing more than to know the child was safe. To know that he was in my care again but for now I had to accept that I would not know.

I couldn’t let myself think about it. I needed another distraction. Before I could think better of it I looked into the supplies Paz had brought for the trip but there wasn’t anything worthwhile.

Knowing no one would ever know the crest as well as I did, I was able to open a cabinet others would find stuck. Inside we’re the few things I had thought were of value. A few extra credits. A supply of ration bars. And exactly what I was looking for, a bottle of liquor.

Before closing the warped door I felt the smooth ball in my pocket. Maybe it was safer here, tucked away from the rest of the world. With a deep breath I decided it belonged better with me. Soon I’d return it to him, it should not sit on a shelf collecting dust. It deserved to be delivered as soon as possible.

I grabbed the bottle and felt the small ball in my pocket. Once again I was reminded that this was the reason I was alive. Without the child to protect I would have given up as soon as I was dehelmed. Without him I would have nothing to live for. I had been through hell but as long as he was alive and well, I could live with it.

I took a deep swig of the bottle, relieved to feel the burn of it down my throat. This pain I could understand. I was surrounded by who I was in the past but with this drink I could start to forget just how much I had lost.

What I hoped to wash away most was the fear that had settled in me the past month. Stripped of everything I was, now all I had was fear. In the past fear was a weapon for a warrior, a warning sign, a fueling source. I learned how to confront a fear and dissect every aspect, to prepare for whatever may come. However, without my armor and weapons and tribe I had succumbed to fear and anxiety.

I knew I was no longer the warrior of my past and that was what frightened me the most.

I took another deep drink from the bottle.

I stood in front of the mirror in the fresher frozen, genuinely surprised by the man that looked back at me. Strangely it occurred to me that I’m now older than my father was when he died. I could remember my mother saying I looked like him but I couldn’t remember what he looked like anymore and I was left wondering if she was right. 

All I saw was a mess. My hair was overgrowth and I desperately needed to shave. My eyes look sunken and exhausted, the hangover still evident on my face. My brow was furrowed over my dark eyes. So this was the image people see of me now. A man barely keeping himself alive.

I couldn’t stand to look at myself any longer, I looked unruly and I decided that was better than the groomed and shaved look I had in the house. 

I took another long swig from the bottle, I had eaten next to nothing all day and the alcohol sat in me like a warming fire. Finally, my exhaustion was creeping up on me. I looked at the sleeping compartment but could get myself to climb inside. It felt wrong. Instead I sat on the ground next to it. It was the same place I used to sleep when we spent rare nights grounded on some planet. I felt safer to sleep here right in front of the cot in case someone was able to get in. Most nights I’d wake up with the kid asleep in my lap.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and held the knife instead. Soon we’d be there. Soon I’d see him. I let myself drift to sleep with that thought.


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> In all honest this chapter wrote itself. I'm so excited to keep writing this story! I hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> Please comment or kudo to let me know you like it!!  
> Cork

Nothing felt solid in my mind. All I could identify was smoke burning in my nose, looking up to metal doors, a droid, a Mandalorian, the cold of the beskar I was clutching to. But instead of a comfort it became a panicked struggle for my own helmet, the smooth metal slipping from my grasp as it was pulled from me. Someone held my arm by the wrist as I fought as hard as I could to no avail. I was desperately trying to free myself, I couldn’t let them take me. I had to get back to the kid.

I awoke in a sweat, Paz looked down on me, his grasp on my arm starting to ache. My vibroblade was on the floor next to me humming and I finally realized what had happened. I stared into his visor and his hold softened just before I pulled my arm back from him. Even through his helmet I could feel the anger and pity that radiated off him. I hated it.

Before I could dwell on his judgement too long, I grabbed the knife and leaned my head back ready to fall back asleep. Or at least avoid the glare I could feel from under Paz’s visor. To be honest I was embarrassed that my nightmare had caused such a physical reaction. 

A moment of silence passed between us. I wished it hadn’t been broken, “Are you okay?” He asked.

“Fine.”

“Oh you’re fine?”

“That’s what I said.” I responded with my eyes still closed. I was being short and unhelpful on purpose. Paz had no right to know what was bothering me. And in the grand scheme of everything it truly didn’t matter.

“Oh really? Because you just started a knife fight in your sleep and you’re drunk off your ass. Again.” As if to punctuate his point he kicked the empty bottle towards me.

I just wanted to be left alone. “Ne shab’rud’ni!” I spat out at him.

He laughed humorlessly at my threat, “And what exactly are you going to do? I doubt you can stand.”

I was furious but more than that even I was exhausted, instead of responding I just clenched the handle of the knife harder in my hand. The silence hung over us as he waited for a response that wouldn’t come.

“This isn’t you, Din,” He spoke softly, there was something in his tone I couldn’t quite identify.

His comment sent a fresh wave of ire through my veins. I leaned forward off the wall and looked at him dead on, making sure he’d understand me, “This is actually who I am, Paz. Stripped of everything this is all that’s left. You’ve just never known me.” I leaned back on the wall, “Now I’m going back to sleep. Just leave me alone.”

“At least get in the bed,” He begged over me.

“No, I’m fine here.”

“Din, don’t be so stubborn just sleep in the damn bed,” I felt his hands on my shoulders trying to help me up and I flinched away from his grip. For some reason the gentle touch sent terror through me, my heart raced and something deep inside me told me to fight, to... to do something.

“No!” I yelled into the echoing cargo hold. “This is where I sleep, he sleeps there, I sleep here. This is where I sleep!”

I could feel myself shaking as I snapped out of my outburst. Paz stood back from me holding his hands up in front of him. I immediately felt the embarrassment of such a childish reaction and was ready to apologize before he beat me to it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Again his voice was soft even through the modulator. For a split second I wished he wasn’t wearing the helmet and I could hear his voice clearly again. A part of me still wanted to get closer to him just as I had when we were kids. “Be careful with the knife and get some sleep. I’ll wake you with enough time for you to clean yourself up.”

Instead of responding I simply closed my eyes again, thankful the alcohol still floated in my veins so I could quiet my thoughts once again. However even the buzz couldn’t distract me from my racing heart. The dread I’d felt when he grabbed me was still fresh in my thoughts. In a moment of pure weakness I held my legs to my chest and quietly let the tears fall. All I could think of was what had brought me to this place and how if I’d only been more careful I could have prevented all of this.

Just before I fell asleep, I thought,  _ I used to be a warrior. _

***

The morning broke like any other morning. I was happy to wake up without Paz having to wake me. I just couldn’t stand his scrutiny right now. He didn’t understand what had happened, how much was taken from me. I shook the thought from me, none of that mattered, today I’d see my son. Well, as long as everything went all right. 

Despite how angry I was at Paz from last night he was right, I needed a shower. Even the shitty fresher on the  _ Crest _ was calming to me, and after washing my face I had to admit I felt much better. Finally I put back on the one pair of clothes I owned.

The long sleeve shirt was a lightweight material in a faded red. It reminded me of the tunic I had worn when the mandalorians had rescued me. The pants were a simple black linen but with the gun holster and my boots it almost looked like a planned outfit. For some reason, I still felt all too exposed but after searching a few compartments, I found part of some old fabric in a light tan I had used for a cape a while back. Luckily I was able to fashion it into something resembling a hooded cape or maybe a poncho. I didn’t really mind what it was; it covered my back and head which was all I wanted.

Looking in the mirror I could almost see a bounty hunter, not a beroya of course but an average bounty hunter. This man could be that. It felt like enough to meet Cara in at least. I was trying not to think of what she’d say when she saw me without my helmet, in the months of knowing me she became well aware of what it meant to me. I refused to acknowledge the fact that she still calls me mando, that it may take her a while to simply call me Din.

I took a calming breath as I went to find something to eat. As I found a ration bar and some caf I couldn’t help noticing once again how light I felt without the beskar. After almost two months I thought I’d adjust. I hadn’t. The armor had always been a grounding force for me, without it I felt as if I wasn’t truly connected to anything.

“Su cuy’” Paz greeted as he dropped down from the cockpit barely bothering with the ladder.

“Su cuy’” I answered. If Mando’a wasn’t so natural to me now I would have wondered if I was even still allowed to speak it. 

“We got about an hour til we need to land. It’s on auto pilot until then.”

I nodded in response as I kept eating, the tension from last night was still thick in the air. I couldn’t help but remember when we were kids how for most of my life he was my only friend. How many nights had we spent simply talking in our bunks? I couldn’t even remember when it stopped being like that but I knew it had been years.

“Well do you wanna handle landing? I could use some food.”

“Sure,” I was more than happy for the distraction, I was starting to go crazy just waiting for time to pass. I was anxious to get to Nevarro already, the idea that I’d know their fate in only a few short hours was driving me crazy.

I finished my pathetic breakfast as Paz prepared some of the fresh food he bought before we left. The scene would be almost domestic if it wasn’t for the hostility between us. Maybe after today I could go my own way, take the child, maybe get a ship from Kargo. Even though I’m no longer a Mandalorian I could still hunt, find some jobs and support the kid and myself. The thought calmed me, there was a chance for me to start over.

“How are you feeling?” Paz asked, still looking at what he was working on.

“Fine.” I answered. As I climbed up the ladder to the cockpit, I could hear him sigh. I only rolled my eyes as I sat to prepare for landing and I let myself believe this nightmare might finally be ending.

***

I could feel my heartbeat in my ears as the ramp hissed and opened onto the landing bay we were in. For a moment I considered landing in the lava fields but decided it wasn’t worth it. Kargo would make sure nothing happened to the  _ Razor Crest  _ and I definitely wouldn’t be able to control my anxiety if we had to make that long journey. 

As we made our way into the streets I pulled the cloak closer around myself as my hand hovered over my holster. I still seemed to expect the streets to be teaming with imps but the coast was clear. The small city had luckily recovered quickly. Shops lined the streets as we moved towards the common house. It calmed me a little, nothing too serious could have happened if everyone was this comfortable.

Before I knew it, the common house was in view. It looked good, better than when I’d last seen it. You wouldn’t even be able to tell a full blown battle had happened here. I could see plainly there had been no trouble here, I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. 

Paz stood at the door but I found myself frozen in place. Entering here without my helmet seemed like the last nail in my coffin. I could no longer ignore what had happened. These people, my last friends would know forever that without my armor I’m nothing.

“Din?” Once again he used that kind voice and I looked to him immediately. “Are you ready?”

“I don’t know if I can do it.” I finally stated what had been bothering me this whole trip.

“Hey listen to me,” Paz started with a light hand on my shoulder. “You can do this. He needs you to. Your son is in there and he belongs with you.”

“But-”

“No. Din you can do this. You are so much stronger than you think.”

I took a deep breath. I can do this. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Good,” and with that he opened the door. The familiarity of the room hit me right away and I felt myself relax just slightly. As always the bar was bustling with bounty hunters, travelers and citizens. As always Greef Kargo sat at his booth passing a puck to a hunter. The only difference in the scene was Cara sitting in the next booth over. And there on her lap was the child. I breathed out, he was safe.

I made my way across the room barely thinking, I could feel Paz following me. I could feel the eyes on us, but I was used to that. Finally I reached the table and sat across from her. Before I could say anything he looked at me with those large brown eyes and turned his head to the side. I could almost cry with relief.

I heard a blaster click to its loaded position from under the table. “Put your hands on the table.”

Too stunned to answer, I did as she told me.

“Just stay calm,” I could hear Paz say behind me but I was focused on the child. His ears were down as he often did when confused.

“And who the fuck are you?” Cara asked.

“My name’s Paz Vizsla,” I heard him answer above my shoulder. I was surprised he gave his name.

“And you?” She asked me with an eyebrow cocked.

“It’s me. Din.” As soon as I answered the baby perked up and began babbling and reaching towards me. I thought then I might actually cry. He remembered me. He actually remembered me.

“Bullshit.”

“He’s telling the truth.”

“Your name is Carasynthia Dune. You are from Alderaan. We met on Sorgan. You’re my friend and he-” I motioned to him. Now he was struggling in her protective grasp to get to me, “He’s my son.”

She gave me a side eyed look. “How can I be sure you’re telling the truth?”

I searched my mind for how else I could convince her. For some stupid reason I hadn’t thought that I may need to prove my identity. Finally I thought of the only thing that might work. I reached into my pocket and as I did nearly every pateron of the bar trained a blaster on me. I froze as Paz pulled his own weapon on the crowd, however Cara neutralized them by bringing her blaster on top of the table. “What are you doing?”

“Just getting something out of my pocket,” I answered calmly. She nodded her approval and I pulled the smooth ball from my pocket. Slowly I replaced my hand on the table and opened my hand to show the shiny ball to the crowd.

As soon as my palm was open the baby reacted squirming even more in Cara’s grip. I smiled, this was the exact reaction I was hoping for. Instead of analyzing the risk of being shot I threw the ball lightly in the air but just before it fell back to my hand it stopped. The lowlight of the common house reflected off the frozen ball until it slowed and moved over the table and into the baby’s hand. With a squeal he took his toy and put it right in his mouth. 

“Jate, ad’ika,” I praised with a smile on my face, elated he remembered our old game.

A moment passed as Cara stared at me intensely. Finally she waved off the crowd and the small bar went back to normal. “It’s really you?”

I let my head fall slightly, “Yeah it is.”

“What hap-” Before she could finish the child had finally wiggled his way out of her arms and was wobbling across the table towards me. I plucked him up looking to make sure he was okay and finally holding him to my chest.

He instantly climbed up to my shoulders to run his clawed hands over my face. I found myself laughing despite myself. “Yes, ad’ika, it’s me.”

He only continued to babble as he happily felt all over my face. 

“I apologize that we frightened you. Thank you for taking care of the child,” I heard Paz say still standing next to the booth. 

“Of- of course.” It was the first time I’d ever heard Cara at a loss of words. “And you are from Din’s…”

“Yes, we’re from the same tribe.” Paz answered as she trailed off. I didn’t care that they were talking over me, I was too relieved to have the child in my eyesight again. I couldn’t think of anything other than  _ he is safe _ .

For a minute or so the only sound between us were the baby’s coos and the background sound of the common house. 

“Din what happened?” Cara eventually breathed out. I guess the peace couldn’t last forever.

“It’s a long story,” I responded flatly. I wasn’t sure if I could tell her what exactly happened.

“I have time.” Her words weren’t rude, merely supportive. As if saying you can tell me but you don’t owe me an explanation. 

“Do you have somewhere more private?” I asked, suddenly feeling exposed. I couldn’t tell her anything surrounded by all these hunters. I would bet there would already be rumors about me. Most knew the history of the rogue mandalorian and the child, and now for me to show up without any armor and reunite with the kid. There would definitely be gossip. 

“Yeah this way,” She waved off Kargo as we walked out the cantina to a door and stairs that led to an apartment over the common house. “So. Tell me everything.”

I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this conversion but she deserved to know. As I settled into a chair with the child now sleeping in my arms, I looked up to Paz who nodded towards me.

The small gesture repeated what he had told me before. ‘You’re stronger than you think.’ I let the breath out, ready to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mando'a translation
> 
> ne shub'rud'ni - don't mess with me. usually followed with violence. Very strong warning.
> 
> Su cuy' - Hey. Causal greeting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW implied sexual abuse and suicidal thoughts*
> 
> Hey everyone!
> 
> I want to make something clear my content warning apply to every chapter simply because of the characterization of Din that I've been writing, however if there's a chapter where these topics are discussed in greater detail I will do a chapter warning in the notes. And as always stay save! 
> 
> Okay this chapter was a challenge for me so I'd love to see what you thought of it!   
> And thanks to everyone who has read or kudoed or commented!  
> Cork
> 
> P.s. chapter 5 will be up very soon as well.

The three of us sat in the small living space of Cara’s flat with baited breath as I tried to figure out how to start. So much needed to be said but I wasn’t sure of what to say or what to exclude. I knew she would not force me to say anything it didn’t want to. Hell, I doubt she’d make me tell her anything if I asked not to.

They were looking at me. I needed to say something. The child shifted in his sleep in my arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to figure out how to start.” I inhaled. “Well you know the job went south obviously, pretty sure it was a trap from the beginning. It was three mercs apparently not very good at their job. I made a stupid mistake and I paid for it.”

I let my eyes wander around the room as I tried not to think of what happened next. Behind Cara’s controlled expression a bright blue tapestry on the wall pulled my attention. Sorgon. It was so clearly from Sorgon, I’d only ever seen a blue that color there. I focused back on Cara, she was patiently waiting for me to continue. I thought maybe I should stop but no, this was Cara. The same person I met and fought with on Sorgon. This was the person who wouldn’t let me die that day on this same planet.

“They overpowered me. I was unconscious for a while so it’s blurry but I overheard them say they were supposed to kill me. I guess they decided the armor was worth more. I couldn’t say how long I was with them.” I took one last deep breath. “They stripped me of my armor. All of it. I fought, I did but they… I was weak and tied.. .and...”

Cara leaned forward, her eyes were boring into me. I swallowed around my lost words scared of what she might say.

Finally she spoke, “Do you want a drink?” She asked a quirk of a smile on her face.

I huffed out what might have been a laugh as I nodded.

“Well living over a bar definitely has its perks. I’m sure Kargo will be asking about you, don’t worry I’ll handle him. You know how he is, always talking too much for his own good. Sometimes I swear if no one stops him he-”

I relaxed back in the cushioned ledge built out of the wall Paz and I were currently sitting on. I had stopped listening to exactly what she was saying as she prepared my drink but it didn’t matter. I knew what she was doing, I wasn’t meant to listen. My chest swelled slightly. Cara has always understood me.

“What about you big guy?” She asked from the small detached kitchen.

“No. Thank you.”

“Your lost.” She quipped as she resumed her task.

“How are you?” Paz asked in a hushed tone.

I looked down at the child, my son I reminded myself, sleeping calmly on my lap. Lightly, I ran a finger over his ear, just slightly he leaned into the touch. “I’m good.”

“Good,” He repeated with just a hint of a smile in his voice only few would recognize. “You know, Din, you’re an amazing buir. Seeing you with him-”

“Okay, so I have some ‘fine’ liquor I bought off Greef. Trust me this stuff is great....” She went on as she set the glasses and bottle on the small crate serving as a table effectively cutting off Paz before he could finish his point. She poured the luminescent violet liquid into a glass and handed it to me. “To our first drink together.”

“Our first drink together,” I answered and as we lifted our drinks she wore the side smile I knew her for. Together we hit the table and took the shot. It was good stuff, barely any burn.

A warm breeze blew in from the open window, the smell of street food with the all too familiar sulfur hint from the lava fields washed over us. I used to hate that smell. Now it was home. I took it deep in my lungs, unfiltered, if seemed much more real.

Over her third glass, Cara was observing me. Just as I wondered why she was staring at me she laughed. “What?”

“I have to say, I never expected you to be so expressive,” She took a long sip. “Pretty funny compared to you only communicating in sighs.”

I caught myself just before I sighed. I could hear Paz suppress a chuckle to my side. “Well, guess I never thought of what I was doing with my face.”

She smiled wide back at me. “Not to overstep but you aren’t as ugly as I thought you’d be.” I noticed Paz tense next to me but I wasn’t sure why. 

“High praise,” I retorted.

Once again she burst out a laugh, “Glad you haven’t lost your patented charm.”

“Back at you, Dune,” I answered as I finished my drink and it was instantly refilled. We’d made it about halfway through the bottle already.

The hours passed in that manner. The sun set. The bottle emptied. The child slept. We talked. It was easy. For a few hours I forgot how I got here. For a few hours I wasn’t broken. The conversation lulled. The silence was comfortable. It had gotten late. We had gotten drunk.

“I thought you were dead,” She randomly blurted out.

“I’m so sorry,” I wasn’t sure why that was what I said.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Paz butted in after being quiet for quite a while.

“Yes! What he said,” She pointed sloppily to the hulky figure on her couch. “You know we could kill them.”

“Who?”

“Whoever. The mercenaries. The people that hired them. Both. All.”

I laughed, “I don’t think that's necessary.”

“I think it is,” Paz mumbled under his breath.

My drunk thoughts moved slowly in my head as I noticed just how similar the two of them are. “I’m not saying I don’t want them to pay, I’m just saying it seems more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Oh it’d be worth it,” He added. I rolled my eyes. Cara gave me a look.

“Where are you staying?” She suddenly asked.

“Um, the  _ Crest _ ?”

“Stay here. There’s an extra room and I have a bed for the kid.”

Paz looked to me with a tilt of his head. Strangely through the helmet I could tell he was willing to stay. “Yeah. Okay.” I answered.

After a few minutes the child was tucked into his small crib, settled for the night. It took me a long while before I was able to let him out of my sight. A meal was passed around and Paz excused himself to eat and finally sleep after almost a whole day awake.

I relaxed into my seat, the alcohol resting sweetly in my mind. We weren’t running and I was happy to be still even if it was only for a few days. Cara reemerged from the kitchen, “And you’re guard?” She asked, her eyebrow cocked.

“Eating.”

“What’s his deal anyways?” 

“Not sure really,” I answered, running my hand through the shaggy hair that fell over my brow. “To be honest, he was a way to get here.”

She hummed in response to my explanation.

A moment passed between us and I could no longer let what needed to be said hang over us. “Cara I have to say thank you for taking care of him.”

“In fact you don’t.”

“Well then I’m going to anyway. You took good care of him and it’ll be a debt I can never repay.”

Cara huffed a little as her eyes wandered the room, “You don’t have to. I did it for the kid and for you.”

“I know. I know. I just need you to know I saw the messages and… and I’m incredibly grateful.”

“Yeah, well,” She almost looked embarrassed. “I gotta say the little green bean grew on me.”

“Yeah he does that.”

“Din,” I looked to see an intense look in her eye. “You don’t owe me any explanation but if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

My eyes strayed to my hands in my lap. I wasn’t sure if I should speak up or not, saying it made it real. It’d be harder not to feel it in my bones, to fight off nightmares with alcohol, to ignore the terror that sat in my veins. But who else could I ever tell? I didn’t want to have this conversion with Paz, his anger would flare into an inferno or even worse he wouldn’t care at all. Cara though would restrain herself, she wouldn’t ask for more than I’m willing to give.

I allowed myself another moment of peaceful denial.

“I was sold.”

The words were thick in the air but she merely nodded. I understood the gesture.  _ Continue or not but I’m listening. _

“It all happened so quick, they trapped me and stole my armor and sold me to the house in only a few days. And… and then I was just there…”

Another nod.

“...And I was helpless. But all I thought was I can’t die, I can’t die. I have to get back to him, I have to protect him. One man did die. Murdered. I didn’t even know his name but it could have been me and… and…”

Her face was as set as stone, her eyes welled. I couldn’t stop, I’d opened the floodgates.

“...I don’t even know how many and I would lay there at night and think he needs to live, you have to live for him. I almost didn’t. I got hold of a knife and well it crossed my mind. A lot in fact but I decided I’d fight my way out with one dagger if I needed to and…”

She just stared.

I held her gaze.

“And then I got used to it.”

I had nothing else to say. I didn’t know what else to say. I found myself watching the tapestry move gently in the wind.  _ That had been a good week.  _ The thought crossed my mind lazily.

“And did you?” Her voice was a rasp, “Did you fight your way out?”

I thought of the child playing in sunlight.

“No. Paz found me. Bought my freedom I think.”

“You think?”

I watched as I cracked my knuckles methodically, “I… I thought he bought me.”

She leaned back in her chair. I looked back to her eyes once again.

“I’m still not sure he hasn’t.”

Cara’s voice was low and lethal, “Has he done anything to you?”

“No…”

“Din listen to me. I don’t know him so I can’t be sure but from what you told me just now and how he acted earlier I think he’s trying to help you.”

“I still feel...” I trailed off not certain what I felt.

“I know. And if you feel that way trust it. But that man, the way he was watching you, he worships you. I know the bucket makes it hard to tell much of anything but Din, he has it bad for you.”

I was at a loss for words. Maybe he was trying to help. Maybe he did care for me. Maybe he really just wanted to see me safe.

“And I’m so sorry. I wished I could have helped you.”

“You did,” I answered without thinking. “You kept him alive and well. You were gonna change your whole life to keep my son alive. You helped.”

She let out a sigh. “I wish I could’ve done more.”

“I know.” The weight of my words and thoughts were suddenly crusting me and exhaustion washed over me. 

“That room only has one bed.” She stated.

I sighed.

“You wanna sleep out here?” 

I nodded feeling far too tired to talk.

“I’ll get some pillows.”

And just like that our conversation ended. And just like that I fell asleep there in Cara’s living room one door away from my son. 

***

“...dropper?... dropper respond?...dropper...leave now!...not safe!...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mando'a Translation
> 
> buir - Parent, this case father


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW graphic violence*
> 
> Hey everyone!
> 
> Ope I really can't stop writing this story. Anyway... have another chapter!
> 
> Let me know what you think!  
> Cork

A static buzz rang in my ears as I woke. Before I could Identify it Cara came barrelling into the room. “Get up! We need to go.”

I was on my feet before I could think. I heard a cry and ran to the bedroom swinging the door open hard enough that it slammed into the wall behind it. The baby reached his small arms to me as I scooped him out of the crib grabbing his blanket and the small ball as well. I held him close to my chest as he slowly quieted.

“What’s happened?” Paz asked as he strapped on his armor with precise and practiced movements. His helmet sat on the bed next to him. I would have apologized but there wasn’t time.

“We need to leave.”

He nodded and I moved quickly to the main room where Cara was armored and grabbing weapons from a stash in the couch I had been sleeping on a moment ago. 

“Greef called. Imps are coming.”

It was all the explanation I needed as I took the extra blaster she handed me. Just as Paz entered the distinct screech of a tie fighter could be heard passing over Nevarro City.

The three of us looked at each other for a split second before we all sprung into action. Cara grabbed her heavy blaster. I pulled my pistol. Paz rearranged my cloak to cover my head and the child cradled in my left arm.

“This way,” Cara called as she led us up a small flight of stairs to a covered roof. The morning had not quite broken and the hot sun of Nevarro was hiding just on the horizon, casting a heavy orange glow onto the gray clouded sky. The fighter circled back and rained bolts onto the wide main street. She kicked a hidden folded ladder, unbothered, and it dropped with a heavy clank and the noise made me jump afraid of any attention being brought to us. “Come on.”

She moved down the ladder quickly and as I followed, Cara had her back toward the wall, weapon aimed at the alley. Carefully I looked up and noticed Paz in a similar position at the top of the ladder. Without any communication they had formed an escort around the child and myself. As we waited for Paz to descend, I lightly patted the child’s back, I hoped to soothe him as his hands were clenched into my shirt.

“...dropper?...dropper come through?...” I recognized Kargo’s distorted voice over the commlick Cara was holding. In the distance, the familiar crackle of blaster fire could be heard.

“Were out,” She answered in the link.

“...avoid north gate…” was the only response.

“Let’s move,” She directed as we made our way through a complicated maze of alleyways and streets that even I wasn’t familiar with. “Where’s the ship.”

“Bay 6C.” Paz answered as we rounded a corner and the child made a small aqueal.

“K’uur ad’ika. It’s okay.” I soothed over the growing noises of a full on battle that was slowly corrupting the sleepy morning.

As we pasted an alley a blur of white and black moved across an intersection a few blocks over. “This way.”

She led us away from the mobilizing troopers deeper into the city while avoiding the main avenues in what could only be a studied understanding of these streets.

“...moving in from the north and east…” The comm updated us as we weaved through blocks. I realized we were moving towards the fighting. The docking bays were just south of the east gate to the city. I steeled my nerves as I readied myself for a fight.

I seemed to see troopers move between and the mouth of almost every alley we passed and I had the unsettled feeling of being suffocated. It seemed they were trying to surround us.

We whipped through another intersection, I saw the white helmet in my peripherals a moment before he fired his weapon from the left. In a practiced two step movement I had been drilled on as a child, I turned and fired. The trooper fell yet agony exploded through my body as I staggered to keep my footing. 

Before I could fall, Paz was on my side helping me limp from the eerily silent crossroads. The three of us leaned against the wall as I checked frantically to make sure the baby hadn’t been hit. I let out a shaky breath of relief as he watched me with worried eyes. Scared but otherwise he was safe. 

Cara stood at the opening from where we came, “How bad?” she called over her shoulder.

“I’m fine,” I answered through gritted teeth.

“Can you walk?” Paz asked his voice low and commanding.

“I think so,” I took a tentative step but my left side buckled under my weight and I could feel my shirt grow wetter. 

Immediately Paz held an arm around my waist to steady me. “I have him. We need to move quickly though.”

Cara nodded. “Be ready to fight.”

With her warning Paz shifted his own blaster to his left hand, the child was safely nestled between my body and beskar. A new wave of pain crashed over me with each step and breath, black spots were invading my vision but I focused on holding the child close to me.

At each crossing we paused. More than once Cara took out stray imps moving throughout the city. We were making good ground but I didn’t know how much longer I could grasp onto consciousness. It seemed Paz had noticed as well, “How much further?”

“Three blocks,” she answered over the blaster fire.

“Hold on, Din, we’re almost there, just stay with me.” His voice was rushed but my mind was slow to listen. My feet were barely touching the ground as he nearly supported my whole weight.

A shot fired out behind us and I yelled as Paz violently turned out of the way and suddenly our backs were to the wall. Through the fog in front of my mind I saw a bolt speed from the other direction. The dust settled and Cara stood with her weapon aimed at the bleeding lifeless figure on the ground.

As I caught my breath the pain seemed to seep through my body with every breath, my vision darkened, I couldn’t feel my feet under me. “He’s losing consciousness. Din? Din!”

My tongue felt thick in my mouth, just before slipping under the veil I noticed Paz’s helmet framed by the burnt orange clouds.

***

“-you coming?”

“I need to stay here. I’ll send word, he keeps bacta in the bathroom storage.”

“Thank you, Cara.”

“Just get out of here safe, we’ll do what we can but the fighter will be on you. Good luck!”

I felt a weight on my chest. The child. He was climbing up the shirt. He cooed and opened to see his large eyes, his ears were down flat. He looked scared. I felt his hands on my face. 

“I’m okay, ad’ika,” My voice was gravel.

“I’m getting us out of here,” the weight was gone. “Just hold on.”

I leaned my head back for an indiscernible amount of time. I was surprised by how weak I was, I had taken plenty of bolts before and rarely passed out. I focused on staying awake as hard as I could. I attempted to move my leg from the cushioned bench in the cargo hold. I didn’t remember how I got here.

Cautiously I dragged my legs to a seated position with a grunt. Even shallow breaths were painful and I closed my eyes trying to remember the pain management from my training. I let my eyes fall open and the blackness slowly seeped away with the dulling ache of the wound, only to reveal a small pool of blood where I had just been laying. 

_ That’s not a good sign,  _ I thought to myself. I hadn’t noticed how soaked my shirt and pants leg had become. 

The ship jerked and slowed only to turn sharply smashing my back forcefully into the back of the seat and a scream of agony passed my lips before the darkness overtook me once again.

***

“Din! Din, wake up.” My eyes opened to the dim lights of the cargo hold. Paz’s helmet was looking down at me, he was shaking my shoulders lightly.

I grabbed hold of his wrist, “Is he okay?”

“Yes. He’s in the bed.” I noticed the light tapping and crying from behind the metal door to the compartment. “He doesn’t need to see this.”

I nodded. He was right.

“You only have one bacta spray?” His movements were frantic as he searched through the mostly empty first aid kit.

“Guess so.”

“Let me get a look at it, see what we can do.” Paz’s hands shook as he guided me back to laying on my uninjured side but even that small justling had me clenching my jaw. “I need to get your shirt off.”

I nodded and gritted my teeth as he carefully removed the stiff cloth where dried blood had caked the fabric to my body. In a few movements he had my arm out and the shirt pulled over my head out of his way. As gently as he could he used a wet rag to clean some of the blood from my skin.

“You need professional help. I’ll land us as soon as I can-”

“No!” I answered, cutting him off.

“We don’t have enough bacta for this and your organs could be damaged.” 

“Do what you can then, it’s too dangerous to stop.” They could still be looking for us, they could be watching the planets close to Nevarro for this exact reason.

“Din…” My name sounded strange in the soft tone.

I ignored the fear in his voices. “Use the bacta for the deep damage, then stitch or cauterize anything else.”

He continued to clean the area and dab for blood, I think the motions were merely to calm him, “There’s not much for pain or numbness.”

I took as deep of a breath as I could, “I’ll manage.”

“You’ll go into shock.”

“Maybe.” I admitted.

Paz was quiet but I could sense his anger at my stubbornness.

“We can’t wait forever. Either stop the bleeding or leave me on a planet because the kid and you are not going to sit around for weeks while I heal!” I urged him.

“Fine!” He barked out through gritted teeth and jumped into action. He used the one injection of numbing medication before applying bacta. He moved through the ship shiftly collecting what he needed. In a few minutes, I was covered as much as I could be in a blanket and the cloak I had been wearing earlier and Paz sat behind me with a bowl of water, towels, the first aid kit, a knife and a lighter. He placed a hand to start but withdrew a moment later, “Fuck it.”

I heard the familiar noise of armor clasps and eventually the hydraulic hiss of a helmet. Already the pain had eased into a persistent ache but I knew the relief would not last long. 

“Are you ready?” The clarity of his unfiltered voice was soothing.

“Let’s get it over with.”

I could feel the skin of his hands as he washed and dried the wound, he must have removed his gloves to work more efficiently as he evaluated what damage was still left behind after the bacta had kicked in. 

“Stitching is going to take too long and you’ve already lost a lot of blood.” Adrenaline coursed through me as the reality hit me. “It's a large wound, it’s gonna take a while to cauterize.”

I nodded.

“Here take this,” He handed me a cut of rolled up leather. I knew what it was for. His hand sat gently on my shoulder, “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

I didn’t say anything as I held the smooth leather in my hand.

“Are you ready?”

I took the roll and positioned it between my teeth, I tested its strength as I bit down on it, the smooth fabric sat heavy on my tongue as I nodded.

Paz steadily dabbed to keep out too much blood, “About to disinfect.”

Before I could nod to agree, the liquid poured over the wound and my jaw clenched tight on the leather. From the smell of it I guessed it was just drinking alcohol, luckily the sting from it came and went quickly. I heard the click of the lighter as I tried hard not to think of the torment that I would soon endure.

“Alright I’m-” Before he finished his sentence the heated metal was applied to my skin and held for a few seconds as the agony blacked out my vision. Paz repeatedly tapped the knife down before I heard the lighter click again, “Sorry I didn’t want you to tense up.”

I didn’t respond as my heart raced and I gasped through my nose, trying to catch my breath. Instead, the smell choked me, an acrid, metallic scent that is disturbingly unforgettable.

“You still with me, verd’ika?” I nodded in response feeling the sweat drip from my hair. “Good.”

Again without warning he began working in small careful movements. I wasn’t sure how long it lasted but I had started shivering despite the sweat dripping from me.

“Last time, I promise. You’re doing so good just keep listening to my voice, I’m right here.” I followed his instructions but had no clue what he was saying after that, still I hung on to his words. The pain of the hot knife felt far away now, like only a thorn in my side yet my mouth still closed tight around the leather.

I heard I sigh above me, “I’m all finished, Din, just gonna bandage it.” He grabbed the leather from my mouth, “Get some rest.”

I breathed awkwardly from my mouth as he finished up, “The kid…”

“I’m gonna get him some food as soon as I’m done, I’ll take care of him.”

“I...I...” My words didn’t seem to form correctly. “I wanna see ‘im.”

With the bandage secured he pulled the blanket over me and laid me softly on my back before elevating my feet on something. “I’ll bring him when I check on you in a few hours,” his fingers were brushing my matted hair from my face, it felt nice and I let my eyes slowly close and could already feel sleep creeping up on me as he wiped the mess of sweat and tears from my face.

Just as he was leaving, I grabbed his wrist, “Paz,” I forced my eyes to focus on him. “Vor entye.”

“Gar shuk meh kyrayc, cyar’ika.” His voice was sweet and soft. I smiled as he ran a hand through my hair one last time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I can't believe in like 30 hours I've posted 3 chapters but here we are. I'm stuck on quarantine recovering from covid so writing this has been all I have to do, not to mention pure escapism. This is a much more chill chapter before things start really picking up!
> 
> I love seeing your comments! hope you enjoy!  
> Cork
> 
> P.S. yes Paz is playing fast and loose with mando rules right now lol

“K’uur, k’uur. Buir cuyir nuhoy.” I heard the voice still in the fog between waking and sleeping. My body ached and my throat demanded water but I had not yet found the will power to move. I heard movement to my side and I decided to just watch the source.

In what was generously called a kitchen, Paz held the small child as they moved from cabinet to cabinet searching, no doubt, for food. I couldn’t make out the words but the massive warrior was speaking sweetly in hushed mando’a to the baby. Eventually, green ears perked as he let out a delighted screech.

Paz laughed and since he wasn’t wearing his helmet I could see the expression change his features, his white teeth shine beautifully, “Elek ad’ika, skraan.”

_ The kid always did love to eat _ , I thought to myself. I was happy to observe silently as he fed the child. I watched as Paz faked stealing his food with a silly face as the baby laughed freely at the game. I found myself smiling along with them.

Just as they were finishing, Paz looked over to me and smiled before getting the child’s attention, “Look your buir’s awake.”

He followed Paz’s attention and reached his hands towards me, “Buu! Buu!”

Hearing him attempt the word sent a new wave of affection through my chest. I tried to sit as Paz carried my son to me but the stretching pain in my healing muscles had me groaning with effort.

“Wait, wait I’ll help,” grabbing me by the waist as he did on Nevarro, he positioned me to sit with seemingly no effect before handing the child to me.

“Su cuy’” I said to the child as he babbled nonsense to me. After a few attempts to climb my bare chest, he settled in my lap. “How long have I been out?”

“About ten hours,” Paz said he pulled a chair over to sit in front on the makeshift bed. “How you feeling?” he asked as he held the back of his hand to my head to feel for fever.

“Sore. Thirsty.” A thought crossed my mind guiltily, “And Cara? Have you heard from her?”

“She’s safe, sent a message, but I don’t know any more,” Paz answered as he moved to the kitchen. I breathed with relief as I watched the baby drool over the handle turned favorite toy. If Cara had been injured once again helping me I’d never forgive myself. I guess I had to add making it off Nevarro to the endless list of debts I owe her.

Paz returned a moment later with a glass of water and some dried meat. I took a long sip from the glass, it soothed my dry cracking throat. “I’m not hungry.”

“Eat it. You need to get your strength up.”

“Really I’m not-”

“Do you always have to argue with me, Djarin?” He teased as he held it towards me. I sighed before taking it from his grasp. He smiled wide as he leaned back in the chair holding his hands behind his head, “See, no need to fight me.”

“I disagree,” I mumbled at his show of victory but he was right. The ache in my stomach was growing stronger with each minute.

“I should change the dressing when you’re finished.” I made quick work of the small meal as I watched Paz collect the supplies for clean bandages. Methodically, he unwrapped the cloth that held the sterile gauze in place from around my waist. Carefully he pulled off the rest of the bandages. “So far in looks good. No signs of infection,” He huffed out a small laugh. “You usually have a hip guard don’t you?”

“Yeah. I think I thought I was still wearing beskar,” I responded quietly. It was true I had often used that same defense move knowing the armor on my back and hips would deflect the blow. I guess I’d have to relearn some techniques.

He hummed in response, “Going to leave one hell of a scar but you’ll be fine soon.”

“Won’t be the first,” I answered knowing there were very few areas left unscarred on me. 

“I’m using a little more antibiotic cream hopefully that’ll keep out any infection.” Paz informed me as he rebandaged and wrapped. The movements of his hands on me were steady and practiced and I found myself unbothered by what I’d usually find invasive. As he finished, his hand hesitated and flattened just above the bandage enveloping a good portion of my back. I would have thought I’d flinch from the touch but I didn’t. Paz’s large hand on my skin was comforting. “There was a moment there where…” His whispered voice trailed off.

“Paz…” I didn’t know what else to say.

His thumb stroked gently over a scar on my back. “I…” He breathed out once more, “I was certain you weren’t gonna make it, Din. I thought I lost you just as I had finally gotten you back.”

I was frozen in place by his confession and the soft touch on my back. His words and touch alike were kind but for some reason my back still went stiff. Someone in me, someone much younger, was tempted to lean back into his chest and feel his arms wrap around me. To sleep in that safety I once felt with him.

Instead I didn’t move. I didn’t say anything.

Paz cleared his throat as he withdrew his hand from my waist, “I’m...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, that’s not it,” To be honest, I wasn’t sure what it was but he was right. I had tensed up, yet at the same time the loss of contact was worse.

“It’s okay, I’m just gonna grab your shirt for you.” He said as he walked away.

The child cooed quietly in his sleep pulling me out of my frantic thoughts. He looked peaceful cradled in the crook of my arm. His small mouth forming ghost words, his tiny noise huffed out small even breaths. The blue blanket Omera had gifted him on Sorgon was to my side and I gently wrapped it around him and took the ball from his claw. Mindful not to wake him, I lifted him slightly to place a kiss to his wrinkled forehead. “Jate ca.”

“Here,” Paz said quietly as he handed me the shirt and reached out to carefully hold the child for me. “Do you want me to put him in the bed?” He asked as I pulled the shirt over my head.

It had clearly been cleaned of the blood and the burnt rip from the bolt had been crudely stitched. “No he can stay with me. I was going to sleep some more anyway.”

“That’s probably for the best.” As I laid back he handed the child back to me and I set him to lay on my chest holding one hand to his body to keep him steady.

“Have you gotten any sleep?” I already knew the answer.

“No.” I also already knew the reason.

“Paz you said it yourself, I’m gonna be fine.”

He still hesitated, “I’m just gonna jump hyperspeed one more time.

“Alright,” He turned to leave.  _ I couldn’t let him,  _ I thought.  _ I can’t let him think he did something wrong. _ Once again I reached for him just before he was out of reach but this time I wrapped my hand around his. “Gar shuk meh kyrayc.” I repeated the phrase back to him.

His smile played softly on his face as he carded his free hand through the hair falling in my face. “I wouldn’t dream of it, verd’ika.” He squeezed my hand before dropping it and climbing the ladder to the second level. 

I was surprised by the affection that blossomed in my chest watching him. I hadn’t expected to feel it again, in fact I had intentionally made sure I didn’t. We had only been kids and it had burned its course almost as quickly as it started. I had convinced myself it had only ever developed from the shared trauma of war.

As I thought back on the excitement I had at the time was embarrassing, naive at best, but I was going to be fighting for my people and I was going to do it by my oldest friend’s side. I remember my heart breaking just a little when I found out he had already been promoted and was now my commanding officer. 

It was then I truly realized the extent of my childhood crush.

It had been arduous as wars continued to no end. After so long the violence becomes an unpleasant chore until suddenly everything you’ve done and seen will fall over you like a rain. Paz and I would wait out the rain together, we’d chase the nightmares away in each other’s company.

He used to find any excuse to ask for my help. I was the level head to his inferno of passion. He used to confide in me. I was the one he’d take advice from. He used to hold me when I slept. I was always there to calm him back to sleep. Until one day we were no longer only sleeping. Our comfort in each other was no longer platonic.

There’s ways around the helmet, blindfolds are a common place for soldiers. The practice was left unspoken. Who could blame anyone for seeking comfort? However the opposite was true for a commanding officer and their troops.

We didn’t care.

It continued until we were run underground. The war ended and we didn’t know what was next. The beroya died and I took the assignment. I stayed away and he grew bitter. Eventually it sizzled and died. The rain would still fall but we no longer rode it out together. 

The galaxy has a way of doing that to people.

I had let the resentment between us define our past, present and future relationship.  _ You were only twenty and twenty-two, it meant nothing _ , I’d tell myself anytime the loneliness of my life led me back to that year or so.

Each time I came to the covert, the yearning that still sat heavy in me would torment my thoughts for days afterwards. I’d avoid him at all costs, too afraid to confront the past. 

Why do I only ever feel safe without ties holding me back? 

And then at my lowest point he appeared a ghost from my ignored history. A root I had hoped to ignore until is shrivelled and died.

Cara thought I misread the situation, she as much as said so what couldn’t have only been hours ago. I remembered her saying how he ‘had it bad for me.’ I had been so sure before this that his intentions were not genuine, but why?

The riduurok? But we certainly were not actually married. He’d given me the escape. I hadn’t taken it. At the time I thought it was for survival, now I wasn’t as sure. I had told myself it was safer with a ship, with another person but that clearly hadn’t been true.

Paz certainly hadn’t been inappropriate with me, if anything I had been. Even earlier his touch had not been unwelcome. It had been calming and gentle and yet I tensed? Why?

That last interaction with the house master flashed in my memory, ‘Don’t you wanna try him out?’ they asked as if I wasn’t standing there, as if I wasn’t a person. When he refused I had thought,  _ he already knows what he’s buying. _ For some reason it hadn’t occurred to me that maybe Paz would simply never do something that horrible.

My mind had somehow turned even more cynical and now it simply left me confused.

The sound of boots on the metal ladder pulled me from my insurgent mind. 

“Paz?” I asked into the darkness.

“Did I wake you, verd’ika?”

“I haven’t slept.” I answered as he stood over me.

I could see his brow furrow as he once again checked me for fever, “Are you in pain?”

I laughed slightly, “Just can’t sleep.”

“Do you need anything? Some water?”

I didn’t need anything. I wasn’t in pain. I wasn’t thirsty. I wasn’t hungry.

“Can you stay with me?” I hadn’t realized that was what I wanted until it passed my lips. From the moment he caught me in that intersection he had worked furiously to keep me alive and he had done it with the compassion I used to see in him daily. I wasn’t sure why but I felt safer with him.

“How can I refuse if it’ll get you to rest?” He teased as he sat so his back was leaned against the bench turned bed. As he settled, I let my free arm fall over his shoulder to lay across his chest. Paz looked back at me before enveloping my hand with his. “Now you better be going to sleep.”

I smiled as I closed my eyes. He wasn't wearing his chest plate and I could feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. I knew this time sleep would come to me. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW for mentions of sexual assault*
> 
> Hey everyone!
> 
> Oof. This chapter went places I was not expecting. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy  
> Cork

“I’m going to take a shower, Paz, I don’t care anymore.” I moved to stand from my spot with only moderate pain. In the past days or so, I was having a hard time recognizing how long it’d been, I had made steady process healing. However, the muscles in my hip and lower back still felt inflexible and stiff. The skin on the surface was tender to the touch but there was still no sign of infection.

Since the last time I awoke the weakness had worn off some and I knew that most likely meant my body was recovering from the blood loss. However, when I stood I’d still lose some sight but it was coming back quicker and quicker each day.

“You better sit back down,” I could hear him call from the kitchen but my vision was still spotty. When it cleared he was in front of me waving a hand in front of my eyes. “Did you just nearly pass out?” 

“No,” I lied.  _ I just blacked out a moment.  _

“Yes you did.”

I ignored him as I walked to the refresher awkwardly on my unstable leg. Before I could get to the room he stepped in front of me blocking the door. “Paz.”

“Din.” He answered as he towered in my way.

I pulled on the side of my pants to show how covered in dried blood they were, “I’m washing my pants and I’m taking a shower.”

“I’ll wash them,” He responded with a hand out.

“And what would I wear?”

“You can borrow a pair of mine.” I raised an eyebrow, both of us knew damn well I’d be swimming in them. “They don’t need to fit since you’ll be resting.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m taking a shower.”

“You’re too weak.” Neither of us were yielding.

“So what’s the plan? Make me stand here until I actually do pass out?”

“You know that’s not a bad idea. Then I’ll just carry you back to bed...”

“...We both know I’ll stand here until I pass out.”

“...I could just pick you up and put you back in the bed now…”

We were arguing over each other until I felt a light tug on my pant leg. The little womp rat must have wondered over when he realized he wasn’t the center of attention. I smirked and leaned over to pick him up, Paz had his arms out ready to steady me but I didn’t need it.

“See. Tell Paz here I’m fine.” On cue the baby squealed out his own argument and I just cocked my head to look at him.

He sighed. “Fine,” I handed the baby to him as he moved out of my way. “But then you’re eating, verd’ika.”

“Yes, sir,” I mock saluted as I closed the door. I turned to the mirror to see a smile playing on my face. It surprised me and I then realized the routine I had just fallen into. The way he would form that word on his lips when mentioning me used to feel like devotion.

I didn’t think about it as I carefully lifted the shirt over my head. I strained my neck to see the cut myself for the first time in the mirror. It was even larger than I thought, right to the left of my spine, on the lowest reach of my back it stretched its jagged tendrils up and around my side to end just at the tip of my hip bone. The newly cauterized skin waved and crested over itself. The thickest section was nearly two or three inches wide.

The time this must have taken was far longer than the small fevered memories I had of the process. The thought of losing so much time terrified me. How many hours had he spent with that heated knife in his hand? How skilled must he have been to keep me from dying of shock? Or bloodlose? Or both?

I could now see why he thought I wouldn’t live.

I pulled my eyes away as I set to the task of getting the stiff cloth from my leg and into the wash. As I had suspected my leg was still tinted crimson from my own gore, the short hair on my thigh was mattered to my skin. If this was the blood that dripped down my leg, how much had I actually lost?

I remember Paz continuously dabbing with towels at my back, I had thought he was making himself busy, now I wondered how many towels had been soaked through with my blood. 

As I finished peeling the pants and shorts off, a smeared line of blood just over my knee caught my attention. The lower half of my leg was clean. The red tint ended right there a few inches higher than my knee. Not even a faint drip trail could be seen.

It was clear what had transpired.

Paz had started cleaning my leg only to stop as he must have reached my thigh. I ran my finger along the border he had placed there and I felt tears well in my eyes. He had drawn a line in the sand quite literally. I couldn’t imagine why: But there was only one answered to the question.

He did not wish to violate my trust. 

I thought of how I would have reacted if I had removed my clothes only to find myself free of blood. I didn’t need to imagine the fear that would have rushed through my veins. The questions I would have had in my mind. 

As I placed the clothes to the side to wash, I felt a new sense of clarity fall over me. The safety I felt with a tinge of guilt was most likely not misplaced. I could see the evidence of it clearly displayed on my own body.

Paz had freed me, not enslaved me. 

I let the cleansing water wash the blood and filth down the drain.

***

“Din! Osik!”

I jumped in response, nicking my cheek as I was shaving. “Haar’chak! I’m fine!”

“Din, you need to come here now!” 

Shit. My clothes were still drying. I wondered what might be so urgent and my mind flashed immediately to the child. I retightened the towel around my waist and quickly climbed the ladder despite the pain that washed through me.

Readying myself for whatever may have happened I stepped into the cockpit. The blue light of a hologram lit the room in an eerie glow. I spotted the child sitting happily in his spot chewy on the mythosaur pendant.

“What’s happen-” I started as I moved to stand by Paz where he stood in front of the pilot seat watching whatever the message was. Finally I got a glimpse of the hologram. There hung two ghostly sigils. 

The mark of clan Vizsla. A mudhorn skull. Coordinates.

We were being summoned.

“Osik,” I breathed out as I sat in the rarely used third chair. I didn’t know what it meant, if it was only my sigil I could believe she simply hoped I still had the ship in my possession. But how had she known Paz was with me? “Did she send you?”

“No,” he still stared at the symbols. “I went to find you myself.”

“How did you know I was in trouble?” If the Alor hadn’t sent him to find me then who had? The anxious thought scared me. Paz turned to look at me only to notice I was currently wearing only a towel, quickly turned back around. “Sorry, clothes aren’t finished.” I added.

“Don’t apologize.” There was a moment of awkward silence before he cleared his throat. “I only knew you were in trouble when I found the  _ Crest _ .”

He had started typing into the on board computer presumblility to check the coordinates. “Wait, then why’d you come for me at all?”

Paz turned back around to look at me. “After the fighting ended, Alor had us flee. But behind her I was the highest rank so I stayed to collect… well to return the beskar. When she dismissed me I was only told as everyone was. Find tribe. Stay alive.” He took a breath, “You were tribe, so I found you.”

“Oh.” 

I let his explanation hang in the air as he resumed the course plan. I couldn’t help wondering what that meant for us now, afterall, I am no longer tribe. It would be disrespectful to return as I am, dehelmed without even my beskar’am to return to the tribe. And if Paz returns with a dar’manda in tow, he’ll be disgrace, very possibly demoted.

I could hear the dryer stop from below effectively stopping my spiral for a moment. 

“I’m going to get dressed.”

I left quickly before he could respond. I floated in a fog as I pulled the clothes back on. However, before pulling on the shirt I ran my hand over the crude hand stitches. And I had another revelation, I didn’t want to separate.

Some point after leaving Nevarro, I’d gotten attached again. I fell back into the routines I had left behind me decades ago. A small spark of hope sat in where I long ago abandoned it but now...

How could I go back to writing him off as a mistake of my youth?

The answer was simple; I couldn’t. Leaving now would leave only myself to blame. I didn’t want to. I wanted whatever this was. I wanted to be selfish, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t disrespect my former people by begging for a place I no longer deserved. And all staying with Paz would do was bring him shame. 

No. I would not return until I could return my beskar to the forge. And then I’d at least have left on the right terms.

I’d find a way to provide for me and the child. I will fill all my time with as much work as I can and it’ll numb the pain. And then one day all that will remain of these days where I forgot what I am will be an ugly scar.

I was furious with myself for giving in to my own childish thoughts. I’m an orphan through and through, a family was never destined for me. Since that day I had always longed to belong, I seeked it anywhere I could. The Mandalorians had given me that for a while. But all that I ever seemed destined for was loss and abandonment. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.

I only had one person of importance in my life. I had the child and I’d be the best parent I could be for as long as I could be. He will grow up happy. Unlike me he will have a chance. I had to make sure he had a chance. 

I climbed to the cockpit and lifted the child to my chest. This is all I needed.

“We’re not far, actually, we can be there in the morning.” As he finished he looked back at me and I looked at the child too afraid to see what was in Paz’s eyes as I nodded. “Or… we could not.”

In surprise I looked up, “What?”

“We could not go back.”

“You have to go back.”

“But you won’t if I do.” I was neither a question nor a comment. He spoke what I had only moments ago decided as if it was clearly written on my face. Maybe it was.

I didn’t say anything as the baby ran his hands down my face.

He took a step closer, “Why not?”

“You know why.”

“No. I don’t. The Alor wants to see you and clearly,” he pointed at the hologram that was still playing on loop, “She knows more about this situation than we thought.”

“Your reputation will be destroyed, I’m dar’manda.”

“Stop saying that.”

“It’s true. It’s what I am.” 

“And?” He asked with anger lacing his voice.

“And… and I can’t have that on me. I can’t know I’m the reason you lost everything,” I motioned at his bare face as I placed the child back in his seat. “Look at you, it’s already my fault you broke the creed. I can’t take more guilt.”

He waved his arms out exasperated, “You did not make me, Din, I did it myself. You were… you were scared of me and I couldn’t explain it to you…and...”

I stiffened my spine, “And what Paz? Tell me.”

His voice had grown softer but mine had only grown colder.

“And I thought for a moment seeing me had calmed you, but instead you started undressing… and when I stopped you, you looked so confused. And it was then I knew you really believed it. You really thought I would… rape you. And-”

“Fuck you,” I turned on my

heel leaving the cockpit behind.

“Din-”

I was seething, this is always how it’s been with him. Screaming fights and fear, that’s all he got me. He closed the door to the cockpit as he followed me into the small room that was basically just the trapdoor to the ladder.

“Din please listen to me,” He leaned slightly to catch my line of sight.

“And what Paz? Hmm? You realized how damaged I was? How disgusted you were? How you could barely stand to think about it?” I shoved at his chest but put too much wait on my left leg and it nearly buckled, Paz’s arm went to steady me but I pushed it off. “And you realized how I’d never be the same.”

“Maker no, Din. I was so worried for you and I was so furious for you… And...”

“And?”

“And it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault. I had stupidly been unwilling to admit what must have happened. And Din I’m so sorry.”

I took a deep breath, the fire of fury in me had burned down to leave the bitter coals of despair. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were heavy. I thought he might cry. I was exhausted, I didn’t want to fight. 

“I’ve just been so  _ chaabar  _ everyday, Paz, I can’t figure out if I’m safe or not. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m out or not.”

“Oh verd’ika,” He used his hand to tilt my head up gently. “I will do anything to keep you safe. You’ll never have to endure that ever again, I promise. As long as I can I’ll keep you safe.”

“Paz,” I looked into his dark brown eyes, only a few specks of color seen in the dim light. Something needed to be said. “I know now you weren’t buying me.” 

“Nu draar, Din.”

“I know cyar’ika,” I wasn’t sure if he knew I remembered the word passing his own lips only about a week ago. It hadn’t slipped from him since but I remembered it. His eyes were soft as he looked at me.

I did the only thing I could think of, the only thing I wanted to do, and moved to wrap my arms around his strong neck. For a split second he hesitated before his thick arms encircled me. It was nice. It was home. My face was in his chest and his hand held the back of my head protectively.

“I’m sorry, Din. You didn’t deserve this.” He spoke quietly, “I want to stay with you, I don’t care about my rank, I don’t care what people will say, you’re worth it. And if I never go back to them, I won’t regret it.”

I was startled to find I believed him. My eyes stung but I couldn't find any words. Instead, I just held on to him a little tighter.

“So tell me, verd’ika,” He leaned back so he could meet my eyes, “Where do you want to go?”

My heart beat fast as he waited with a patient smile.  _ Jate’kara _ , I thought to myself only for the unspoken words to fill me with guilt. I may never recover my beskar’am, but the Alor and the people deserved an explanation for the disappearance of their beroya.

“Well, I guess wherever those coordinates led.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> I can't believe I've wrote 20k words of this already. Thank you everyone who has commented and kudoed and are simply still following this story I appreciate it so much! I hope you continue to enjoy my nutty writing!
> 
> Thank you  
> Cork 
> 
> P.S. Check out the song "Galaxy" By the Whiskey Charmers! I almost named this fic after that song and I'm obsessed with it!

Oosalon was a small, mostly barren planet I’d never heard of. There was little to no civilization hidden in the towering mountains that made up the majority of its landscape. More recently though, Ooslaon had become the home of a tribe of, once again displaced, Mandalorians. I wondered if the sleepy town in the mountain range was even aware they were here. 

The frigid air whipped through the valley as we made our way slowly through the town. It was the first time I had to endure the cold weather without the thick flight suit I used to wear under my beskar. Even in long sleeves with the hood of my cloak up and pulled over my shoulders I was shivering. I was glad I grabbed the blanket to wrap the kid in since the tip of his ears and nose had turned reddish. I was certain I wore the same flush on my own skin.

The stinging tendrils of the wind felt foriegn on my face. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way the elements reacted to the skin of my face.

“You think we’re close?” 

“No signs yet but I’m scanning. It seems there was some mining here during the war, I imagine that’s where they’ll be.” I nodded as we turned on to a crowded street for a town this size.

I pulled the hood further down trying to hide from the staring, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t me they were staring at. Paz’s size was enough to draw attention, add to that full armor and a nearly four foot long blaster strapped to his back and you could understand the prying looks. He showed no reaction but I knew he was aware of it.

I could always feel the eyes on me, at least. The intimidation the armor brings can be intoxicating some days and taxing the next. I wondered idly which Paz felt right now.

“This way.” 

“Good, I’m freezing,” I added as I followed him through the alleys. He led us toward the covert with whatever was in his HUD.

“It's not that cold,” He said. “It might be the blood loss. Do you feel weak?”

I rolled my eyes, “No it's just very cold.”

“Are you sure? I feel fine.” 

“Of course you do. How many layers are you wearing?”

“Not that many,” We turned another corner and I hoped we’d be there soon.

“Well you under armor is two layered and I know you wore a shirt under that too. Not to mention the armor itself.”

“Why are you so concerned with what I’m wearing, Djarin?” Paz teased, I could hear the smile in his voice.

I blushed but continued anyway, “Because you can’t argue it's not cold when you’re wearing all that warm gear.”

He turned his helmet to look at me, “And yet I still didn’t complain on Nevarro, did I?”

“No,” I huffed out.

“Interesting,” He quipped as he turned back to scanning. “It’s just up here, verd’ika, so it seems you won’t be freezing to death today.”

I sighed as we approached a gated tunnel carved into the mountain wall, before slipping in, we looked the way we came to make sure we hadn’t been followed. The mild temperature underground was a relief from the cold. Everything else about the tunnels, though, made me uneasy.

I felt like that child again clinging to my rescuer as he let me through the mines of Concordia. I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous then or now.

As we moved further from the entrance, the only light was from Paz’s helmet. We moved silently further and further into the mountain.

Paz raised his hands just as a voice echoed down the tunnel, “Identify yourself.”

I could barely see the shape of the mandalorian no doubt aiming their weapon in our direction. I followed suit and held my hands in front of me as best I could with the child.

“Alor’ad Paz Vizsla be Aliit Vizsla,” He introduced in Mando’a, that seemed to satifise her until she trained her weapon on me.

“Nayc aruetiise.”

Outsider. Enemy. Traitor. I wondered which meaning she meant.

“Beroya Din Djarin has a foundling in his care and has been summoned by the Alor.” He stepped towards her using his rank and size and an unspoken threat, “He is not an aruetii.”

“N’eparavu takisit,” She apologized as she lowered her weapon. The air sat heavy between the three of us. Despite what Paz said, I still felt like an outsider.

As we walked closer I realized I recognized her, she had fought with us in the Purge. Adrala. She had been a close friend then. There were many nights she spent teasing me about Paz as we cleaned blasters. It had been years since I’d spoken to her. I had always made a point to spend as little time as possible in the covert.

“Su cuy’gar, Adrala.” I lingered in front of her. I didn’t have to address her, I could have just kept walking but I felt the need to prove that Paz was in fact not lying about my identity.

“Su cuy’gar, vod,” She held her arm to me and I completed the greeting by grabbing her forearm as she did the same. There felt like there was still more to say as I turned to follow Paz further into the Covert.

I felt shame rise to my face as we pasted a few more tribe members in the dimly lit tunnels. I just hoped the red of my face could still be blamed on the cold wind. I knew this would be painful but the fear in me was unexpected. I wasn’t really afraid of speaking to the Alor, I already knew what she would say. But this was different, I felt like a prisoner in what should have been my home.

The mythosaur skull hung over the doorway of the forge, the light of the flames casting shadows over us. Paz laid his hand lightly on my back as he tilted his helmet in question. With a breath I nodded and he rubbed my upper back before turning and entering the forge.

Just inside the threshold I stood up straight with one of my hands behind my back, at attention, as the other held the child. I kept my eyes to the ground. A forge is sacred and I was no longer part of this culture. Paz approached the small table used for meetings and kneel in front of it.

The Alor was hammering out a piece of beskar and the sound was as jarring as it always was. Each slam of metal on metal made my heart skip. She had not looked up to us yet so we waited silently.

“Beroya,” I was immediately surprised she used my title, “Join us at the table please.”

I did as I was told and knelt to Paz's side, the motion was painful as my wound wasn’t fully healed. She let another moment pass before she sat in front of us.

“Su cuy’gar.” We nodded in response and I wished this would simply hurry up and happen already. I could feel her eyes examining me and I felt sick to my stomach. All I could think of was what she must think of me. “Did you remove your helmet or was it removed by another

?”

“It was removed by another,” Somehow this answer seemed more shameful to me. If I had made the choice to leave myself there was some dignity in that. But having someone make that choice for me showed only weakness.

“I see. And what transpired?”

My tongue felt thick but I made sure to keep my voice steady. “I was outnumbered and captured. I attempted to fight them off but failed. They took the beskar to sell.”

She was quiet and my stomach continued to turn.

“The Resol’nare states that a mando’ade must always wear their armor. The bury’ce is the most sacred of all.”

“I am aware.”

“I know. Once a child of mandalore swears the creed, they must not remove it, once it is removed they have renounced their place amongst the people.”

I nodded as I felt tears sting me eyes, knowing it was coming had not softened the blow and I felt light headed.

“Is this the crime you are guilty of, Din Djarin?”

“Elek.” I answered instantly. I was guilty. There was no way around it.

Paz dropped his hand on the tabletop loudly making me jump, “How can he be guilty if it was removed without his consent?”

“This is the way.” She announced each word carefully.

“This time the way is incorrect.”

“Paz-” I started.

“I suggest you control yourself, alor’ad.” Her voice had a lethal tone I had rarely heard. Even this was surprising, she rarely silenced anyone of their opinion.

He bit his tongue but I was still shocked he had said something so blasphemous.

“Do you intend to return your beskar to the forge?” She asked, getting back on track. 

“Yes.”

“This is the way.”

“This is the way,” I responded with an ache in my heart that it would be the last time I said it. 

Paz had remained silent.

The child squirmed in my arms and terror struck me, “And what of the child?” Technically, as a foundling he belonged to the tribe. I held him tighter, afraid I may lose him too. If I’m not a Mandalorian or a father what am I?

“He may remain in your care.” I breathed out a sigh of relief. “If he wishes to swear the creed when he comes of age he will be welcome to. Until then, both him and yourself will remain friends of the Mandalorians.” She held her arm to me to shake and I returned the gesture. “K’oyacyi. You have served the tribe generously for many years. Vor entye.”

A tear fell slowly down my face as I stood and turned to leave at her dismissal. I could feel the heat of the room on my back and I didn’t want to leave its comfort for the bitter cold of the world. I stepped to the door anyway. 

“Alor’ad?” I turned to see Paz still kneeling at the table. “Will you be resuming your post at the armory or will you be accompanying gar verd’ika?”

The title ran a chill through my body. I had not been his private for decades, it was clear to me what her intention was.  _ I have known this whole time,  _ she said without saying a word. The implication terrified me. It was strictly enforced that commanders should not be in relationships with their subordinates. He’d likely be stripped of his entire career.

Paz’s body was rigid and awkward as he made his way to me, I was too stunned to move. Paz rested his hand on my lower back as he led me from the heat of the forge. It could have been seen as platonic if she had not just revealed what she had. This was his response.

His hand remained as we weaved our way back out of the converted mine. It was comforting to have the solid reminder of him but I started to worry about what he may have just set in motion for himself. I let the thought fester at the back of my mind until we were nearly out of the mine.

“Paz you shouldn’t have said that.” I whispered into the tunnel.

“She shouldn’t have cast you out.” The shadows of the gate in front of us casted us in its woven net.

“I would not have accepted if she hadn’t,” I admitted.

He ran his gloved hand down my cheeks where the few tears had fallen earlier, “Why not, cyar’ika, you deserve their respect.”

“I knew the risk when I took the creed, these are the laws and I am not above them.” I could not imagine the guilt I would have felt if our sacred laws had been bent to benefit me.

“There should be exceptions for cases like yours.” His voice through the modulator seemed strained and far away now.

“Maybe, but there aren’t and returning would only bring me shame. You saw the way they looked at me.”

“Yes and I hated it. How long had you served as their provider? You gave up so much for them. How can they just throw you to the side now? Treat you with such disrespect?”

“That’s the way, Paz.”

“Fuck the way,” It echoed off the walls and I felt myself tense up. “There’s more to a mandalorian than their armor. You are more mandalorian then any of them.” The classic passion in him swelled until he was moving his arms to punctate each point. “You are not dar’manda. Gar cuyir Mandakarla.”

Lightly I grabbed his arms to calm that inferno he had always had in him. “Thank you.”

“It’s true.”

I smiled at him, deciding not to argue with him about the compliment, “Then you understand why I have to return the beskar to the forge.”

“I do.” 

“Good,” I nodded, glad we were on the same page. I let my free hand linger in his for a moment before pulling the cloak back over my shoulders. “We should get back. The sun’s setting and I don’t want to see how cold it gets at night here. There’s still time for me to freeze to death today after all,” I said with a smile.

I found myself a little surprised by my own calmness in this situation. Maybe I had just accepted this as my fate the moment the helmet was pulled from me.

“Well we can’t have that, can we?” His voice was fond. I could envision the beautiful smile that was concealed from me. Well, concealed for now at least.

***

“So where do we start?”

I turned from starting the engines, I wasn’t sure where we were going but I just wanted off the planet. Everything that happened in the covert hadn’t set in yet. I knew I was no longer a Mandalorian but for now I still had one more mission from the Alor and for now that was all I could focus on. “I guess on Ord Mantell.”

Paz leaned forward in his chair. The serious position was undercut by the child using his armor as his own personal jungle jim, babbling happily as he climbed. “You want to go back to Ord Mantell?”

“No,” I answered as I turned back to the controls and planned our course for the scumhole of a planet. My hands shook slightly. I didn’t know if I was ready to go back to that city. The idea of someone recognizing me from the brothel was terrifying. “Not particularly. But we have no other leads and that’s where it was sold first so.”

“Well, we could wait a little longer,” His voice was softer, “Get you fully healed, stop for a supply run. Just relax a little before.”

I could tell from his tone he was worried but I had made up my mind, “We’re already low on credits and people are still hunting the child. It’s best to keep moving and get this over with.”

“Are you even certain we will find anything there?”

“Not really, but the mercenaries were locals and there’s a lot of work for them there. Can’t imagine why they’d move.” I hadn’t spoken much at all about them to Paz, or my time on Ord Mantell in general. I knew I should talk to him about it but I didn’t want him to know all the gritty details. I’d already catch him watching me with pity and concern in his eyes. I just wanted to feel normal around him. I didn’t want him to see me as a victim.

He sighed. “And you’ll be okay?”

The pity was in his eyes now as he asked. “I can handle myself.”

“I know you can, that’s not what I asked.”

I breathed for a moment to steady myself. “I’m anxious but I’ll be okay.”

Paz’s large hand enveloped my shoulder, “I’ll be there with you.”

The somber tone of the conversation was lessened by the baby standing on his shoulder one hand in Paz’s hair to steady himself. “Buu!”

“Yes you’re a very good climber, ad’ika.” I responded as if he understood what I said. However, sometimes his eyes did seem to shine with understanding at certain words.

He waved his arm excitedly at me but the movement made him stagger and pull the few dreadlocks that fit in his small hand.

“Ow, ow,” Paz mumbled as he steadied and untangled the kid. I huffed out a laugh as he placed the child in my lap, “I think it's time for a piloting lesson.”

“It’s been a while since we’ve flown together, huh?” His wide eyes stared up at me before the bright lights of the control panel pulled his attention. I hadn’t realized how much I missed this, how happy I was to have this in my life again. 

Before the worry of his safety had been so strong the only thing I could think of was that I needed to protect him. Now as the fear had resided slightly I remembered just how much these everyday moments meant to me. 

“You can press that one,” I said, guiding this attention to one of the controls I needed to bring us into hyperspace. “That’ll input the coordinates for hyperspeed,” Iexplained absently.

His small hand stretched out to hit it and squealed when the light in the button came on, he looked up at me with that opened mouth smile he did. The affection I had for him nearly consumed me.

“Jate bora, ad’ika,” I praised. He looked back to the control as I worked through the calculations. In a few minutes we were in hyperspace. Ord Mantell, a symbol of what I lost, quickly approaching but I felt less terrified then before.

I had done what I had to to survive. It had been ugly and painful and I doubt I’ll ever fully recover from it. I had changed me forever. I could never fully go back to the person I was.

Part of me had died on that planet, but now, months later, I was finally remembering why I fought so hard to keep living. And that seemed like enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation clarification
> 
> Verd'ika is also a rank similar to a private, however some people also use it as an endearment. In this case Paz uses it as both since that was also Din's rank when he served under him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW referenced sexual assault, vomitting, violence*
> 
> Su cuy'
> 
> Again thanks for reading everyone! I finished this chapter only a few hours after I posted the last one. Hope you guys like it it was quite painful to write.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!  
> Cork

“I’m going on the record, this is a bad idea,” Paz’s voice cracked in the commlink I had managed to hide where my cloak bunched up around my neck, close enough that only I could hear.

“How many times have you said that already?” I responded to the link.

“Well I’m saying it again.” I rolled my eyes as I continued my way through the crowded city streets. Paz followed a safe distance behind, the compromise for me going to the meeting alone. I was surprised how well he was able to blend in, in Ord Mantell City there were far too many interesting inhabitants, so a Mandalorian could easily stay under the radar. Even one as intimidating at Paz. 

Though without the jet pack and blaster cannon it is much easier to stay hidden. And the tiny baby strapped to his chest in a makeshift birikad we fashioned this morning made him much more approachable. 

Regardless of his reservations he knew I was right. If I came looking for a Mandalorian killing mercenary with a Mandalorian I’d get nothing. 

I spotted the Black Sun hideout disguised as a catina at the corner of the block. I was only given a first name and species when the meeting was set, Crik, falleen. Falleen didn’t really narrow it down when it came to Black Sun territory or Ord Mantell in general. 

“I’m entering,” I called over the link. 

I waited for his response before leaving the street. “I’ll follow in soon. Be safe.”

“You too.” I answered as I opened the old door. Every small, sketchy cantina in the galaxy felt the same and the familiarity of this one was no different. How many of these shitholes had I been in across the galaxy? I may have even been in this one before. I had done a few jobs for Black Sun a while back.

The lights were dim and the booths were carved into small enclaves out of the old stone. Tables and chairs occupied the rest of the space except for a small stage where a band and a performer were entertaining the large crowd. As I expected nearly a third of the patrons were falleen.

Not wishing to bring any unneeded attention to myself, I approached the bar and ordered a drink as I scanned the crowd for anyone who might be Crik. Most people were in groups so they were excluded easily. I knew how these meetings worked; one on one.

A falleen man in a booth caught my attention. He sat patiently, uninterested in the lively environment around him, his drink mostly full, sober. I naturally moved through the crowd to get a better look. Finally I could see clearly a small tattoo in his green skin just behind his ear. The Black Sun symbol.

Without bringing attention to myself I moved to the booth and sat across from him, “Crik.” It was more of a statement than a question.

He looked over me with a critical eye. “Din.”

I nodded.

“So tell me sir, how can I be of service to you?” His voice was deep with sarcasm but not unkind.

“I hear some of your men killed a Mandaloian a few months ago. That’s impressive. I wish to hire them.” I stated bluntly, hoping the young men had in fact not only bragged but also stretched the truth. 

“They may have,” he answered and I was relieved my gamble had paid off.

“I wish to set up a meeting with them myself,” I took a sip of my drink.

For a moment Crik stared across the table at me, “Do I know you?”

My blood ran cold but I remained relaxed on the outside. I finished the long sip and looked thoughtful for a moment. “I used to do some bounty hunting here years ago, maybe we crossed paths.”

He squinted at me, “It seems more recent than that. Are you sure?”

I swallowed as I realized why I recognized the place so well. I had worked a party here when I had just been sold. It had been teeming with Black sun members as well as various hunters and smugglers. I had gotten a bloody nose from a well placed punch after fighting back against a guest of the party. Another ‘entertainer’ had stepped in before I’d thrown a punch of my own.

“You’re gonna get yourself killed,” The man said as he handed me a towel after escorting me to the kitchen to clean up. “You need to stop fighting it.”

“And what? Just give in?” I had been so angry. I wanted to fight, I’d been trained to fight.

“It’s not the answer you want but, yes. I’ve seen many men like you-”

“You don’t know me.” 

“No, I don’t.” There was an intensity in his eyes that demanded my attention. “But I’m gonna give you some advice anyway. You’re new and scared and uncomfortable, but there’s only one way out of this life, connections.” He looked into my eyes seriously as I dabbed the remaining blood from my face, “You make yourself indispensable. You work these parties and you listen to conversations. Gather information, that’s your weapon now. Do as they say and only fight when the other option is death. Otherwise fighting will be your death. You slap, they punch. You pull a knife, they shoot. They’ll always be more violent. Your life means nothing here, and they’ll enjoy taking it from you.”

My heart beat heavy in my chest as the reality of my new life settled over me. I had never been more frightened in my life. My hands shook and my breath came only in short gasps.

He patted my shoulder, “Don’t worry, you get used to,” he said quietly as he left the kitchen. The rich smell of cooking meat had made my stomach turn. But I had taken his advice.

I had shut up. I had done as I was told. I had listened.

And I had survived.

Subconsciously, my eyes wandered to the kitchen door where this jarring conversation took place only months ago. “I guess I have one of those faces,” I answered his question dryly.

“Sure you do,” He answered without any further questioning. Crik slid a commlick across the table, “I’ll call you on that to set the meeting.”

I grabbed it from the table and stood. The memory had shaken me and I felt dizzy.

“Hey,” I turned back to look at him, “We all have our pasts, Kuill.”

I stared for a moment petrified, unsure how to move my body or why I had used that name when I’d been sold. It was a painful enough memory before this. I swallowed dryly and it reminded me I still had a physical form.

I turned on my heels and left quickly into the brightly lit street. A vender was cooking some meat on a small open flame grill. The smell became overpowering. My feet led me away from it and into a small alley as I realized I was going to be sick.

I wasn’t sure how long I stood leaned over as I heaved out the little contents of my stomach. Eventually, I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I stood but my hands were shaking. He had recognized me. He knew who I was. Everyone might know what I am.

Just by showing my face I had destroyed my chance of finding my armor before I even began.

A heavy hand fell on my back and I was convinced they were taking me again. They weren’t gonna take me again.

In a quick movement I ducked under the arm, grabbed the knife from my boot and held it to the figures neck.

“-Din? Din it’s me, Paz.” The voice was steady and clear, no sign of fear. “Din, I’m right here. I’m not going to hurt you. Just take a deep breath. Look at my armor. It’s just me. You’re having a flashback. I’m holding your son, remember? I have your back.”

Finally I recognized the voice, calm and strong and comforting. I could see who I was actually holding at knife point. I dropped the knife to the ground as if it burned. I didn’t know what to say. How to apologize for what I’d just done.

Before anything came to mind, I leaned over and vomited a second time. Nothing was left but I heaved and gagged around the air regardless.

“It’s okay, verd’ika, you’re safe now. You’re not there anymore. I’m right here with you…” He continued in that manner, without touching me as I was finally able to breath again.

“Paz, ni ceta,” My throat was raw around the apology.

He leaned down slightly so I was eye level with his visor, “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I pulled a knife on you,” I looked down to the dusty ground. “Not to mention I blew the mission.”

“What do you mean? I thought he gave you a comm.”

“It doesn’t matter, he recognized me. There’s no way they’ll go through with the meeting, now.” It was the same reason I hadn’t let Paz go for me.

“He knew you were Mandalorian?” Paz asked.

I swallowed realizing I had to give some explanation. “I had worked a party at that same club about a week after I was sold.”

“And he recognized you from that?” He was tense as he asked.

“Yes,” I felt blood rush to my face.

“Then he doesn’t know you’re a Mandalorian, Din. The most he knows is probably that you escaped slavery.”

I thought about it for a moment, my thoughts were clearer now than they had been earlier. He had only mentioned it as I was leaving and the way he phrased it, ‘We all have our pasts, Kuill,” it could be seen as almost supportive.

“You got the link, Din, you got the meeting.” I realized he was right. I had been so distracted by the name I hadn’t been able to clear my thoughts. It had robbed me of all my cognitive functions, leaving me only a hollow shell and instincts. I just let myself breath for a few moments as Paz watched me patiently.

I nodded. “I think you’re right.”

“Good. Are you feeling better? We should probably get you some water at least.”

I was both relieved and embarrassed when he didn’t blame blood loss or infection for this. “I’m okay.”

“You need rest, let’s get back to the  _ Crest _ .” For once I agreed with him, my stomach ached and I was so mentally exhausted I could barely think. Luckily I didn’t have to as I let Paz lead us back to the bay.

***

“They accept. Where can they meet you today?” The voice had called randomly through the comm.

_ We had planned for this, _ I reminded myself as I picked it up to answer. “Two hours. Ship bay 51H.”

We waited anxiously for the answer. “They’ll be there.”

That’s the thing about Ord Mantell, when nowhere is safe, nowhere is anymore dangerous. The ship bay would be easy to defend, only one entrance and we could prepare for them. Not to mention the baby would be safe in the ship as we handled the mercs.

Since what happened last evening, I was on edge but this good news calmed me. They had run me into a trap before and now I was ready to return the favor.

Without much time to waste Paz began strapping armor to his body as I prepared our weapons. 

“You know I can handle this on my own,” He offered once again.

“But you don’t have to.”

“But I could.”

“This is my fight Paz,” I said sternly.

He looked me over carefully for a moment before nodding. “I won’t say another word.”

I was glad he dropped it. “You want to be on capture or kill?”

“Flip you for it?”

I found myself smiling at the ridiculousness of the conversation. I grabbed a coin from my pocket, “I’m head, your tails, you call it.”

With a flick of my thumb it flew through the air.

“Kill.”

I caught the cold metal and flipped onto my arm. Tails.

“You’re kill. I’m capture.”

A smirked played on his features as he continued the meticulous motions.

The sun had begun to set. The baby was asleep on the ship. And Paz and I waited quietly to each side of the door. The anticipation sent adrenaline through my veins.

Just as I began to wonder if they bailed the door opened and the men walked in. I recognized them immediately, I didn’t think I’d ever forget their faces. I nodded to Paz as I reached for the one closest to me.

I had a hold of him before he could react to the two precise blaster bolts that took out his friends. He swung an elbow back as I wrestled him into a choke hold. A well aimed kick nearly made me lose my grip but I held on, I could feel his pulse hammered against my forearm.

He was controlled but conscious as Paz approached. Just as planned I moved my head as far to the side as I could. With one clean blow from Paz’s elbow the man went limp in my arms as I lowered him to the ground.

Unceremoniously, Paz lifted the one living man over his shoulder and carried him to the chair we moved under the hull of the crest for the purpose. We would have done it on the ship but we had decided we’d rather not wake the baby. 

The man was slumped in the chair bound by two pairs of cuffs. “Ready?”

“Let’s do it.” Paz answered.

I splashed the cup of water to his face and the man began to stir lightly. With one hand holding his chin, I slapped his cheek repeatedly as his eyes were opening and focusing. After a moment or so, the spark of recognition flashed behind his eyes. 

“Yeah, you remember me don’t you?” I let go of his face and stepped back, “Bet you can guess what I’m here for?”

He spit some blood from his mouth, a purple mark was already blossoming under his skin. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I punched him hard across his jaw. Immediately my knuckles ached but I didn’t care. I shook the pain from my hand as his head bobbed a moment before he stretched his jaw, he smiled slightly. 

“The armor. What did you do with it?”

“Sold it,” He flashed his bloody teeth a moment, “Just like I sold your whore ass, to the highest bidder.”

Paz stepped from behind me but stopped when I placed my arm across his chest. Part of me wanted to see what he’d do, another part of me knew it’d probably kill the man before we got what we needed. Affection swelled in me at the thought. I knew the insult should have bothered me but it didn’t, I was too engulfed by the control and power coursing through me. 

“Sold to who?”

“How should I know?” He barked back at me.

I lowered my arm and nodded to Paz who approached happily. For a moment I saw fear flash in his eyes at the sight of Paz and it filled me with pride. Without hesitation, he wrapped his gloved hand around two fingers and yanked back hard. The deafening crack was followed by a scream that rang in my ears, his eyes bugged a little at the sight of his twisted fingers. I smiled.

“Who did you sell to?” I asked again as Paz stayed near the chair circling like a predator to prey, I found I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.

He was still catching his breath, “I didn’t exactly ask their name.”

Paz grabbed his hair, effectively exposing his neck and held his vibroblade to him. I could see the slight shift of muscle in his forearm from beneath his under armor. “Then I guess you’re no use to us.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Paz withdrew the blade but kept his hair in his grasp. “If I tell you, you’ll let me go?”

“I just want to know where the armor is.” I answered.

“Okay,” Blood was dripping down his chin from the multiple blows to the face and his chest still heaved. “I sold it to a man who runs a Mandalorian based shop on Coruscant.”

“Coruscant’s a large planet. I need a name?”

“He never gave it. Said the store was called Coruscanta a’den, I don’t know what that means. I’m sorry.”

I could make out the mando’a even in his terrible accent, Coruscant’s Fury, it was a lyric from Vode An.

Paz looked at me expectly. We had what we needed. I nodded. In a practiced movement, I shouldn’t have found attractive, he slid the knife across the man’s throat. Blood sprayed and bubbled from the gash. I didn’t move, I stood still and calm in front of him. We met eyes and I leaned closer so he could see I was unbothered by his panicked expression as death closed in on him. The warmth of his blood on my face shocked me but I made sure he didn’t see it.

A moment later all life was drained from his eyes and I wiped his blood from my face with my cloak, it would need to be washed anyway. Paz had wiped the blade clean and was returning it to its place. “What should we do with the bodies?”

“Leave them, “ I answered as I entered the ship. I could feel Paz follow behind me. “We’re going to Coruscant.”

The door to the ship closed behind him and he pulled the helmet off. I thought by now I’d get used to it but I hadn’t, his dreads were untied today and they fell into his face as he ran a hand through them. His jaw was sharp and shaped, the stubble of his beard was coming in, his lips were full and just slightly tinted pink against his dark skin.

“Mesh’la,” I breathed out. I couldn’t even be considered a whisper.

“Huh?” He asked, setting his helmet down. 

I had made up my mind, I walked towards him, I was going to do what I was thinking about for days now. With a tug to his chest plate I pulled him down until his lips met mine. There was a moment's hesitation before he pushed his own lips against mine. As everything was with Paz, there was a fire behind it. He held me softly to him but the kiss wasn’t another but.

It was passionate and comforting and solid, and I wanted to drown in it. 

We pulled apart to catch our breath, his eyes were shining down on me. I repeated myself, “I said you’re beautiful.”

Paz’s lips were swollen and pink as they stretched over his teeth when he smiled. I found myself running a thumb along them as he spoke, “As much as I’d love to continue this verd’ika, we should probably leave before someone finds the bodies.”

I laughed. “How come we always seem to leave bodies in our wake?”

“Because we do, cyar’ika,” He pressed his lips to mine for just a moment. “Now pilot use out of here, Djarin. I do not plan on going to prison.”

At this moment I felt...joyful. I was young again and had my whole life in front of me. I may not have my whole life in front of me now but once again I could imagine a future.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> OMG chapter 10! Woa I am so amazed by my insane focus on writing this lol. Sorry this took a tiny bit longer to write but I hope you like this little transitional chapter.
> 
> Thank you  
> Cork 
> 
> P.S. In my writers block yesterday I found a recipe for tiingilar by the Gluttonous Geek and it was so good! So if you wanna try it yourself that's how lol

In a day or so we’d be in Coruscant and I wondered what exactly that meant for me. Would my armor be there? Would the beskar shine in the light of a shop as people looked and prodded over it? I imagined seeing my own reflection in the unpainted helmet.

Ever so slowly the reality of the situation was closing in on me. My heart seemed to pound in my chest since I walked into the cantina on Ord Mantell. My nerves were shot from the exhaustion of the past few days.

I could tell Paz was aware of it as well. He hadn’t said anything but I still knew. Acting as if it wasn’t purely for my sanity, he had set a routine for us to follow as we were stuck on the  _ Crest.  _

Wake up. Breakfast. Ship maintenance. Baby’s lunch and nap time. Baby time. Dinner. Sleep.

I knew what he was doing, trying to keep me from having another episode. Before I’d have been insulted but now I was starting to see his intentions weren’t to embarrass or control me, they were to help me. For some reason I had been blind to his protectiveness until… well, until I saw him torture and kill that man.

Maybe it had just been my heightened awareness but everything had seemed so clear in that moment. It was liberating to remember I could still be capable of that authority. I was in full control of the situation and Paz stood there taking my lead. He had stopped when I told him to and he had looked to me before his next moves. Before killing him.

Guiltily, the interaction had made me feel safe. For the first time I had wanted physical intimacy. I had wanted to feel hands on me, I wanted Paz’s hands on me. I imagined his strong grasp on my hips. No, not imagined, remembered. I remembered it so well.

That’s why I had kissed him. Because it was normal and human and I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t sure I'd get another chance and I knew he’d listen to me. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me.

However, now days have passed and we have not talked about it. It was making me uneasy, I couldn’t help from imagining what he might be thinking about it. About me.

I ignored the thought as a plate of fresh food was placed in front of me. Finally my appetite had returned with a vengeance and no matter how much I ate I was still hungry. With what we could afford Paz had managed to make tiingilar, and the smell alone was enough to make my nose burn.

He had always been an annoyingly good cook and loved to brag about it. I hated to admit it but it seemed he had lived up to the reputation today. At least if the look and smell of it was any telling.

A glass of dark liquid slid my way across the table. Ne’tra gal. “What’s the occasion?”

This was the kind of meal that we’d eat after a successful battle or an adoption ceremony. It was usually reserved for holidays and I couldn’t think of any possible reason for it.

“There isn’t any. Just shereshoy.”

I took a sip of the beer as I fed the baby in my lap some of the flaky bread of the crust. I was a little shocked, “Where did you even find this?”

Paz laughed in that deep tone of his. “I have my connections,” He said with a wink.

If he did I needed them, it’d been years since I had real ne’tra gal and the warm buzz from the strong beer was soothing. As I expected the food was amazing. He had gotten the perfect mix of heat without losing the complex layers of spice. It was incredible. Even with feeding the baby I finished well before Paz but my stomach remained empty and I could already feel the hunger growing in me again.

It tasted like home and it seemed I couldn’t have my fill of it. The rich meats and spices in the flaky crust was incredibly comforting. 

“I’m guessing you’re still hungry?” 

“That obvious?” I felt the blood in my face. I was used to hunger, I shouldn’t have this little control over it. 

He laughed lightly as he pushed the plate to me, “Take it.”

“No, it’s yours,” I responded even though I seriously wanted it. “I’m not taking the food you made from you.”

“You finally are eating again, which means your hunger is probably because you’re healing. You need your strength.” I wanted to argue, I did, but it smelled so good. I took it and was immediately grateful. “I’ll put him to bed.”

He lifted the baby from my lap, “Jate ca, ad’ika.”

“Say good night to your buir.”

“Buu!” He squealed as Paz leaned over so the child could run his hand on my face, I beamed at him as I kissed his small hand and he giggled.

“Thank you,” I called as Paz stood.

“You. Eat.”

I jokingly salute, “Yes sir.”

His only response was a roll of his eyes as he turned to carry the baby to his little makeshift ‘room.’ Somehow everything was calm yet teeming with life. I ate content hearing the hushed mando’a soothing the baby. At the moment I was surrounded by everything a mandalorian holds sacred and it sent a wave of grief through me.

We felt like a clan, a true aliit, but that wasn’t something I could have anymore. I had never imagined I’d have a clan but now it felt just within reach. It was right here in front of me and yet I was further from it than I could have ever been. 

I seemed frozen as I watched Paz rock my son in his arms, I could just barely make out the words of the old myth he was telling. The large brown eyes grow heavy and closed peacefully. I thought my heart may break.

I took a long sip of the beer hoping it would lauve the pain that swelled in me.

This could have been my life. Paz could have actually been my husband. He could have cooked this meal to celebrate our family. He could have held my son and known him as his own. He could have put the baby to sleep. He could have kissed me and we could have made love, lazy and slow. I could have been whole.

I wasn’t whole.

That was the one truth I lived in and this was just a fantasy. I let myself enjoy the lie anyway as I ate and drank a true mandalorian meal.

“That child has no right being that cute,” Paz said as he sat at the table with a beer once again. I pulled my face into a smile too lost in my own melancholy thoughts. I felt his hand on my own and looked up to him, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He didn’t even have to ask if anything was wrong, he just knew. I wasn’t sure how he always seemed to read my thoughts. I sighed heavy, “I’m not sure.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Ever.”

My mind dueled with itself, my trust and doubt at each other's throats, I wasn’t sure who would win. “It’s just… starting to set it and Ord Mantell… and well everything.” Still he listened calmly. “I’m just out of it.”

I couldn’t think how else to explain it but he nodded anyway, “I know it was hard on you, Din.”

I wasn’t really sure I noticed how bad everything was before I had returned. The whole experience had started to numb into a horrible nightmare, but once I returned… The memories were solid and real again.

“But we should talk about what happened there, when you're up to it.”

His words sent panic rushing in my veins. I envisioned what part of those days he wanted to talk about. The episode? What led to it? The torture? What happened after it?

I couldn’t let my racing mind continue out of control, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Again you don’t need to tell me but it’d be good to know what triggered your episode to avoid future ones.” His voice was even and open.

I knew just hours ago I was thinking how much I trusted him but now my traitorous thoughts were clouding my judgement. I again found myself questioning his motives. “I’m not sure I want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay,” Paz answered, showing no resentment. “If you like to tell me anything I just want to help.”

“Make sure I don’t hurt you and the child,” The answer slipped from my mouth.

“I knew you weren’t going to hurt me.”

“Paz I held a knife to your throat,” I could hear the guilt in my voice. I sounded small and weak under it.

He leaned toward me, “Din. I will not let you hurt the child. If I had needed to I would have been able to subdue you.”

“Even if it would have harmed me?”

“If that was the only option? Yes.”

I leaned back in my chair with a sigh, “Good.”

“It won’t come to that Din.” I wasn’t as certain as him but it didn’t matter because I knew he’d do the right thing. Paz would protect the child, even from me if he had to and that was a comfort to me.

I felt lighter without that fear hanging over me. I had so many questions from that short trip but one was on my mind more than the others. 

“Are you mad I kissed you?” The question felt childish on my lips but I needed the clarity of an answer.

“I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“It’s just….” He trailed off and I felt myself blush with embarrassment. I had misread his kindness as interest. All he wanted was me safe. He didn’t want me. That made more sense anyway, why  _ would _ he want me?

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

“Din that’s not what I mean.”

“It’s okay. I thought that might be the case. I got carried away.”

“Look at me,” I didn’t want to be, I looked anyway. “I’m just afraid it wasn’t for the right reasons. I wasn’t mad because I want it too but I want you to be safe more.”

I clenched my teeth, “I knew what I was doing.”

“Can you explain it to me then, I’m confused.”

I let myself think it over for a moment. I was afraid to tell him the truth. It was hard for me to imagine him not judging me if I told him seeing him torture a man had aroused me when I hadn’t felt anything like that for months. But that’s not really why and it was complicated in my own mind. I barely understood it myself.

“I don’t know why,” I breathed out, realizing I needed, wanted him to know the truth even if it meant he was disgusted in me. “But seeing you take my lead and listen to me. I...I just realized that embracing what I thought of you, how I felt about you, it didn’t have to be terrifying. Because… because you respected my security. And I just was overwhelmed by it. And I’d just acted on that impulse, I’m sorry.”

He was quiet as a moment passed painfully. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, afraid of what I’d see.

“Verd’ika,” Paz's voice was low and I wondered if he was trying to soften the blow. “I understand now. Thank you for telling me.”

A meniscal amount of the tension in my shoulders lessened, “You do?”

“Of course.” The words were clear and strong and the affection in me rippled to the surface once again. “And you are correct. I would never do something you weren’t comfortable with.”

The muscles of my face pulled lightly, there was a truth in the statement I couldn’t deny. “Thank you. Really, Paz, it helps.”

His smile shined as it always seemed to as he refilled the ne’tra gal. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, he radiated life and I couldn’t understand how he hadn’t been consumed by his own light. “You better only be thanking me for the beer because I won’t accept it for anything else.”

I was certainly being consumed by it, that could be the only explanation for what sat in me. “You know I’m not talking about the beer.”

“Well I’ve chosen to only hear your thank you for the beer,” He took a large sip from his glass. The brown head of the beer sat on his lips.

“I never thanked you for the beer,” a smirk on my lips as I said it.

He grabbed my glass and took a drink from it as well, “Well then if you're ungrateful, I guess I’ll drink it myself.”

My laugh past my lips as I grabbed the glass back, “You’re insufferable.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” 

Paz held his hand to my cheek as he guided me to him. It was soft and light. Sweet and lingering. There was a passion behind it but something else as well and I found myself drunk with the dark spice of the beer on his lips. He pulled back but left his hand there on my cheek. 

“I’m so happy I can do that, verd’ika,” He breathed out through the dopey smile on his face.

I imagined I had a matching one of my own. “So are we gonna drink this beer or not?”

He used the hand on my face to nudge me to the side. “You’re the insufferable one.”

I just smiled into my glass. Maybe I’d never have a aliit but I might have a shot at a family.

***

_ “I have to say, I’m a little disappointed, surely this can’t be all a Mandalorian is?” _

_ I did not know how he found out but I knew the voice and it grated in my ears. There was a fire and pain in my chest. It wasn’t so different from how I usually felt. _

_ “You’re so skinny, small too. I always thought the ‘best warriors in the galaxy’ would at least look strong. I doubt you could kill me.” _

I could,  _ I thought to myself. I wanted to but I remembered what fighting always leaves you with. He was simply looking for a kill. He was looking for glory and there was only one thing better than fucking a Mandalorian and that’s killing one.  _

_ I felt his eyes on me as they examined every inch of me. My skin prickled under the critical look. A finger ran from my shoulder to my neck as he recited the words, “Gar taldin ni jaonyc; gar sa buir, ori’wadaas’la.” _

_ My tattoo. That’s how he knew. The words were foriegn and far away on his untrained tongue but it was clear he could read the mando’a characters accurately. _

_ “So you really do just take in anyone. I always wondered about that.” _

_ His hand was in my hair pulling my head back with it. _

_ “So tell me? Are you a good father?” _

My chest is damp with sweat. My breath is shallow and labored. Where was I? I questioned a moment before I felt the light weight of Paz’s head leaning on my hip from where he slept sitting on the floor.

It was a nightmare.

I was on the  _ Crest.  _ I am safe. The baby is safe.

I felt the need to check for myself anyway. Careful not to wake Paz I moved from the ledge I still used as a bed. My bare feet made a soft noise as I moved across the metal floor. With a quick press of a button, the compartment opened.

I watched as his chest moved air in and out of his lungs. He is safe. Still I lingered as if he’d disappear if I could no longer see him. I ran my hand along his wrinkled forehead as his brow furrowed a little at the touch. 

I tried not to think of the nightmare, how close it was to memory, or the person in it. I didn’t have to worry about him anymore, I knew that logically but he still creeped up on me. He had found out. He had come back many times. 

He had been the only real regular I had, most just left and went on with their business. He was obsessed.

“Is the baby okay?” Paz’s sleep-worn words pulled me from the memory.

I still looked at the baby as if something had happened in the few minutes I stood over him. “He’s fine. Sorry I had a nightmare, go back to sleep.”

“Are you okay?”

The green eyelids fluttered just slightly and I wondered what he must be dreaming of. “I’m okay.”

“Then come back to bed, cyar’ika.”

One last time I ran a finger along his ear and closed the small door before climbing back onto the narrow bench. As I settled, he leaned his head back on me. The weight was comforting, grounding and I ran my hand through his hair. He leaned into the touch. “I see. You just wanted your pillow back.”

He smiled with eyes closed, “You make a very good pillow.”

With one more swipe through his hair I let my own eyes fall shut and somehow I knew the nightmare would not come back tonight.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> So these past few days I've kind of had a crisis of confidence when it came to my writing. I got too much in my head that the story I plan to tell through this fic won't end up being good. I'm still kind of scared of that but at the end of the day it's my story to tell and I'm goin to do it the way I've been envisioning it. I hope people will continue to read it, we're kind of in a weird transitional spot right now but I hope you are enjoying it still.
> 
> Also I'm returning to work sunday after being off for almost a month do to covid. I'm still very focused on this work but I'm not sure I can keep up daily updates. They're may not be one tomorrow as I get ready to go back so expect the next one monday? Hopefully earlier.
> 
> Anyway please let me know what you think!  
> Cork

“Can I help you with anything?” 

The small shop was a shocking comparison to under-city coruscant, the neon of the signs lining the street were casting a rainbow of shadow through the window. However, the rest of the shop was subdued. Natural colors and expensive cases filled the small space. 

I was trying hard not to look too long at anything in particular. Artifacts and weapons. Art and maps. Some things were just normal items like a cu’bikad board which was set up in one corner. The wall behind the center case, where the man stood, was nearly covered in helmets. None were mine.

They pulled my attention anyway, they disturbed me and I wondered who had worn them, how they ended up here in a grimy shop in the under-city of coruscant. There was a sick irony in it. Coruscant still had a few mandalorian defenders after all.

“Yes,” I finally managed to say. “I’m looking for a set of armor.”

“Well we have only a few full authentic sets, a collector I’m assuming?”

I nodded, sickened with myself.

“Do you have anything in mind? Colors or signet or anything?” he asked as he moved to a different case, next to it stood a mannequin in a full set. The armor was basic but the paint was beautiful, a deep violet and red that shouldn’t have mixed so well. “This one is the only complete one I have on display.”

I couldn’t help but imagine the artist painting the meticulous design or the warrior who must have worn it with pride. I wondered if they were one in the same. “No, I'm looking for a specific set I believe was sold to you in the last few weeks.”

“Hmm, I haven’t gotten a full one but I did get some pieces in. What did it look like?”

I took a deep breath hoping this wasn’t a dead end. “Unpainted pure beskar, signet is a mudhorn skull, newly pressed. Except for the right thigh and shin pieces which are red.”

The shopkeeper raised an eyebrow at me, “That’s very specific. Did you have a history with this mandalorian?”

I paused for a moment not sure how to answer. I needed to make sure he wasn’t suspicious of me. Only one thing came to mind. “I believe it's the armor of the hunter from Nevarro. I heard he was killed and I want his armor.”

His eyes sparked for a moment, “Interesting. I heard that story, apparently there was a whole group of them to that fought the guild.”

“Yes, I was in the guild on Nevarro at the time,” I tried to create just a small enough lie to convince him. I needed to seem vague and indifferent about not only my life but the tribe’s as well. “It was quite the disruption to my business.”

“So it's revenge,” He smiled as he said it.

I felt sick, “You could say that.”

“That’s quite remarkable. Let me see what I have.” He moved excitedly through the store mumbling over himself as he talked about how lucky I was to survive, how he’d have given anything to see Mandalorians in action. “-they’re a dying breed you know. Ah. This many be it. Not a full set but it's the only unpainted armor I have.”

Unimpressively he set a chest plate in front of me as he was still talking. My breath caught in my lungs as I ran a finger down the diamond in the center.

“That’s what they call the iron heart or ‘Kar’ta Beskar’ it's a sacred symbol of the endurance of their culture-”  _ Beskaryc Kar’ta,  _ I thought to myself of his incorrect grammar.

The metal was so cold and familiar under my fingers. I took a few breaths determined to stop the stinging in my eyes. “How much of this set do you have?”

I cut him off, I hadn’t noticed he was still talking. “Is this his?”

He was excited, happy to hear of my own death, happy that he was the one to profit off my most sacred possession. Once again I was happy I hadn’t brought Paz with me, he would have ripped this tiny man in two in a fit of rage. I felt close to punching him myself. “I’m not sure but I believe so, what other pieces do you have?”

“Oh how thrilling. Here’s the rest of what I have.”

Chest plate, back plate, left pauldron, both gauntlets. 

“Do you know who bought the rest?”

“I’m sorry sir, I can’t give out that information.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well how much is this?” I asked.

“100,000 credits.”

That was nearly the cost of my entire set, “That’s excessive.”

“Well not many crafted sets left in the galaxy,” He argued back.

“What if I had something else you’d be interested in?”

He crossed his arms, “I don’t see what you would have of value to me.”

I thought it over for a minute or two, I knew Greef would find me a job if I asked but it would still have to be a high value target and close to Coruscant. Most people didn’t hide in the mid rim. 

I had made up my mind. “Beskaryc Kar’ta is the correct grammar.” He straightened his spine, as he looked at me suspiciously. “Adjective should be first and you needed to add the suffix to make it descriptive.”

“Maybe you can be of service to me after all,” He said with a smile that made my skin crawl and I was once again reminded of the nightmare last night. “So this isn’t for revenge?”

I didn’t like this arrangement but I wasn’t sure how else I could get around this. I needed the armor and this was my best hope. The other option was Paz’s suggestion to kill him and steal it. I would have been all for that plan if he had had the whole set, I need the person he sold it to. 

This seemed easier than torturing him in the middle of the mid rim. Not to mention he seemed like he’d be honored to be in the presence of a Mandalorian like Paz. Not only did I not wish to give him that satisfaction, I also knew Paz would certainly kill him before we’d get what we needed.

“You could say that.”

“What can you offer?”

I looked around the store thinking of something I could trade for my own beskar’gam. The idea of actually having to do this infuriated me. Finally, my eyes caught on a mostly empty case with a few mid value weapons. I sighed before pointing to the gantlet. “Do you know what this is supposed to hold?”

He examined it closely with a magnifying glass, I rolled my eyes, “Some kind of projectile I’m guessing.”

“Whistling birds. Small target finding metal darts made from beskar. Very useful, very deadly. Very rare.”

“And you have these?”

I didn’t want to give him anything with beskar but this small amount for half of my armor seemed like a sacrifice I was willing to make. “Yes.”

“That’d only cover part of it. I’ll need a very specific buyer for an item like that.”

Now I was wishing I would have listened to Paz and just killed this man. I thought of what else inhabited the weapon locker, something with wider appeal. “Heavy pistol blaster with scope.”

“And why do I want this blaster?”

“I assume you at least know what Death Watch is?” He perked up at that. “Well it’s carved with the signet of Clan Vizsla as well as a saying in mando’a.”

I could see the intrigue in his eyes. Of course Death Watch would be popular with these kinds of people. 

“What’s the saying?” He asked in a hushed tone.

“Ib’tuur jatne tuur ash’ad kry’amur,” The words flowed off my tongue. It was an old war cry I had used many times. “Do you know the translation?”

He squinted his eyes as he repeated it to himself. Suddenly it seemed to click as a smile enveloped his face, “Today is a good day for someone else to die.”

I nodded and he seemed elated. It was disgusting watching someone so joyful over the bastardization of another's culture. He held out his hand happily, “10,000 with the whistling birds and blaster and you have yourself a deal.”

I shook his hand regretfully, I didn’t want to touch him, “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

For probably the first time in my existence the under-city of coruscant was a welcome sight. Anything was in comparison to that store, to the judging visors of my ancestors. 

I feel dirty about the whole interaction.

“How’d it go?” Paz asks as he falls in step besides me. The baby in the cloth sling on his chest stretched his little arms to me and I picked him up holding him to myself. As always everything seems clearer in my mind when I’m looking down on his tiny features. Everything I ever did was for him.

I answered Paz, “You’re gonna hate what I have to do next.”

***

“Din, you can not be serious about this, right?”

We’d been arguing the whole back and apparently we were still arguing. I tried to block it out as I looked through the weapon locker for the things I needed. “There isn’t another option Paz.”

“Yes there is.”

“Oh yeah we’ll just kill and rob a man in the middle of Coruscant. And tell me what next?” I found the small bag holding the set of whistling birds and put them in my pocket.

“What do you mean?”

I sighed as I stopped my search to look at him, he was still in his armor except he held the helmet under one arm. “He doesn’t have my whole set, so how do we find the rest?”

He waved his free arm out clearly annoyed, “We get the info from him.”

“In case you forgot, there’s currently one thing from keeping a target off my head and that’s that everyone thinks I’m dead. How long do you think that’ll last after we feld Nevarro, killed and tortured the men who said they killed me and then we kill and torture someone who sells stolen armor?”

His jaw was clenched tightly and I could see the tendons in his neck, “This is still wrong.”

I sighed. After all I agreed with him but there wasn’t another choice. “It’s for the kid, he’s safer the longer I stay hidden.”

I found the pistol and looked it over in my hands. It was beautiful, amazingly crafted and painted, I could never bring myself to use it. There in the handle was the carved jai’galaar painted in the classic steel blue of Death Watch. The signet of Clan Vizsla. Paz’s signet.

His anger was understandable and I didn’t blame him for it. Even though this was a weapon the tribe had gifted me from the old Death Watch days, it still held his family’s mark. It was incredibly personal and I hated myself from having to do this.

I placed it in the waistband of my pants as I moved to grab my hoard of credits from the warped cabinet and bag to carry the armor in. “I’m sorry Paz, I am. But this is the only solution. I need an in with these people if I can ever expect to get all my beskar back. And I understand if you don’t forgive me for this. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself.”

I could feel his eyes on me as I grabbed the cloak and pulled it back over my shoulders. “You don’t need to come. Just stay with the baby. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I didn’t wait for a response as I walked out onto the neon lit streets. They were the only light despite it most likely only being afternoon, very little sunlight ever made its way to the under-city. 

As I walked through the streets I tried to avoid thinking of the weight of the weapons on me but they kept pulling my attention. I wondered who the soldier that used the pistol had been, had he died fighting? Did he have a family he left behind? If he did, it was at least a possibility Paz would have come from them. Not all Death Watch were Vizslas but all Vizslas were Death Watch.

And what would become of it now? Would some person so flushed with credits they didn’t know how to spend it come across it one day? Would that person use it to show off to their other sickly wealthy friends?

Or maybe it would have the same fate the whistling birds were destined to. Bought by a collector wishing to have the largest collection they could. So many people found a novelty in our culture. They’d hold everything they could of us close to their chests.

_ It’s a shame they’re so hard to find. You know they really were the best in their days. I would give anything to see them in action. Beskar’s easier to find than a Mandalorian is these days.  _ They’d say as if they hadn’t nearly eradicated us themselves. Those people always seem to think we just disappeared and vanished into thin air.

No, they called us too violent as both sides of a war fought against us. The only thing The Empire and The Republic have ever had in common is a common enemy; the Mandalorians. And now people on both sides fetishize us.

I had seen plenty of it first hand.

I found myself hesitating in front of the shop. I used to never hesitate, I used to command any space I was in. Now I always seemed to shake when I reached for a door. That was the case once again as I entered.

Before the door had even closed the man called from the counter, “You’ve returned.” I didn’t say anything as I closed the space to him. “Please, show me what you have.”

I didn’t want to place them on the counter for his inspection of them. They seemed too… alive. I knew how it felt, exposed and examined. But as much as they meant to me, they weren’t living. They were just items.

I set the bag on the counter and carefully pulled one for him to see, then I took the blaster and placed it down next to them. The helmets stared down on me a cruel imitation of my offers to the Alor.

_ You don’t understand,  _ I wanted to tell them.  _ It’s for a foundling. It’s for my son. It's for my tribe. You have to understand, it’s for my beskar’gam,  _ I wanted to beg for their mercy. How many had been denied their mercy before.

“This is extraordinary,” he gasped out as he set the whistling bird aside and used his magnifying glass to look at the blaster.

I pulled the 10,00 credits from my pocket, “Will this be enough then.”

“Yes, yes of course,” He pulled the pieces back up for me. Carefully, I packed them into the bag I had brought. “You have to tell me how you know all of this. I’m considered an expert in Mandalorian culture and yet you know more. How?”

I sighed, I was disgusted with myself but this could be useful to me. “And you’ll tell me who bought the rest of this armor?”

He shook his head like an excited child, apparently he wasn’t that attached to privacy after all. I had to make this as believable as I could without giving myself away. Once again I decided to stay as close to the truth as possible. “I was taken in by Mandalorians as a child and raised as one of their own. This armor…. It was my brother’s. I left years ago but he stayed. It meant alot to him.”

“You were raised as one? How…. where?” He was tripping over his own questions. I didn’t wish to answer them but I needed the infomation and I doubted this stupid man could do any real harm. “Were you raised in Death Watch? Is that how you got this blaster?”

“What became of them, yes.” Once again I felt the heavy glare of the mounted helmets bearing down on me.

“Did you have your own armor?”

“At one point, yes.”

“What happened to it?” There was a spark of greed in his eyes and I looked at all the different things in the room I could kill him with.

“It was returned to be used by others,” I answered through clenched teeth. “I’ve told you how I know, now can I have the information.”

“I still have questions,” He argued.

“Well I do not have time and the deal was only how I got my information.”

“Fine,” the man answered as he pulled up a datapad. “It looks like I got everything except the right pauldron and the helmet.”  _ Of course,  _ I thought. “But everything else sold to one customer.”

“Who?”

“A woman on Munn City, Muunilinst. Solia Leraay.”

I pulled the bag over my shoulder and moved as quickly as I could from the store, “Wait-” He called after me. I didn’t.

It had worked. I had gotten the armor and a lead on more pieces, it had been worth it. Or at least I hoped it was, I was dreading hearing what Paz would say when I returned. He was upset and he had a right to be but that didn’t make it any easier. There was a distinct possibility he wouldn’t get over this. 

I walked back the way I had earlier, into the alley that had been our meeting place. I was nervous, I didn’t want to see the lack of him in my life. But it was not empty as I had expected. In the low light Paz leaned against a wall looking down at the child excitingly reaching for his hand. 

“Paz? What are you doing here?”

He straightened himself from the wall, “Just wanted to make sure you’re safe.”

From just his voice I could tell he was embarrassed. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. He had come.

“I’m not mad at you, verd’ika. You know I have your back, always.” I closed the space and reached my arms around his neck. I had stupidly thought he’d still be mad at me. I had assumed he’d either ignore me or fight with me when I got back, but no, he had my back. He wrapped his arms around my waist and the baby cooed, confused by the fact he was randomly in the small space between us. “You did the right thing, Din.”

His voice was small and sweet in my ear. I just held him tighter, happy I could leave the judging gaze of the helmets behind me. After all, their opinion of me didn’t matter.

**C**


	12. chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CW sexual content*
> 
> Su cuy'
> 
> So I said all that stuff about not having time and I think this is my longest chapter so...lol. Anyway I really love this chapter and I hope you do too. Hopefully I can work on the next few chapters this week I'm really excited about them, they're gonna be so much 'fun.' Also thank you everyone for your nice comments!!!
> 
> Let me know what you think  
> Cork
> 
> P.s. Song I listened to writing this was 'I do like you' by Trixie Mattel. It's literally so great! It sounds nutty but check it out!

A little over an hour ago it had become painfully clear sleep wasn’t coming back to me after yet another nightmare. I probably could have woken up Paz, but I just let him sleep. I don't want to worry him. And if I’m awake I might as well do something useful.

Currently, I was using a datapad to learn more about this woman who purchased the pieces of my armor. She was a banker. Incredibly wealthy. And most importantly holding an auction of her Mandalorian collection.

None of my pieces were listed but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be there. I could imagine this little event of her’s simply being a way to show off her favorites while making some extra credits off the less valuable ones. It was in only a few weeks and I knew I had to be there.

There was only one problem. You had to be approved for at least 150,000 credits, I assume as an attempt to keep it exclusive for wealthy buyers. We didn’t even have 30,000 right now. 

It seemed I’d have to take some jobs. I didn’t want to put the kid in danger but I was guessing the chances of Paz being okay with me going alone with no beskar were low. Not to mention we could work quicker and charge more if we were together.

I let out a sigh and I sent a quick transmission to Cara, “Is it safe?”

That was the whole message but I knew she’d know exactly what I was asking. Can I bring the kid back to you? She would probably guess I needed more work as well. These little few word communications were just how we talked. Both of us were far too cautious to be specific or muddy the waters with well wishes. We could do that in person.

“What are you doing up?” I turned to see Paz leaning on the door frame in his sleep pants and black t-shirt.

It was still in the earliest hours of the morning, “I could ask you the same question.”

“Nightmares again?” His voice was soothing and he moved to sit in one of the chairs, “Wanna talk about it?”

I could just barely see the bags that had formed under his eyes in the low light, “I don’t wanna keep you up.”

“Do you remember when I used to get those really horrible nightmares?” His lips were pulled littly in a tired grin.

“Yeah.” He used to wake screaming, crying, fighting. He wouldn’t be able to catch his breath and I’d face a wall so he could breath without the helmet. Some nights we would sit back to back for hours before he’d calm down enough to sleep. “After that battle on Concordia, right?”

The smile faded from his face. “It was the worse casualties I had commanded and I was haunted by the soldiers who died under my instruction.”

“Paz-”

“Let me finish,” I stopped the words sitting on my tongue. “You’d always stay awake with me, every night. Do you remember what you used to say to me?”

I had said a lot of things, nothing of import came to mind, “No.”

“You’d have me tell you the whole thing, every detail, and then you’d tell me to change it. How else could it have ended? Why did it scare me? How could I make it better in real life?” He paused for a moment and I do vaguely remember that, it was an old strategy I learned after my parents died. “You know I still do it when they come back.”

My chest hurt a little thinking of him waking up alone in the midst of a nightmare and using my old trick to calm himself. “If they come back again, you know you can wake me.”

He let out a low laugh. “That’s my whole point, verd’ika, you’d stay up with me. So don’t talk about keeping me up.”

I smiled a little, how could I not when he laughed like that. “Okay point taken.”

“So,” he leaned back stretching his arms behind his head, “If you wanna talk we can or I’ll just stay up with you.”

I wondered how long I could keep what happened from him. I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid to tell him, it just seemed like a line I wouldn’t be able to turn back from. Some small part of me whispered in the back of my thoughts that once he knows the details he won’t feel the same way about me. 

It was a fear that sat in me this whole time, holding me back. I wanted to be with him for real, I wanted to call him my own. But these doubts still sat in me, I could ignore them if he didn’t know, if I refused to ever open up. 

There were usually only two situations I could imagine in my head; either I tell him and he’s disgusted and nothing ever goes anywhere and eventually he leaves, or I never open up and he eventually moves on but we can remain friends. The latter always seemed like the best option.

But today I could imagine a third scenario.

“There was this… one man, he would come to the house often and at first I thought he was just lonely. He didn’t do anything. We’d just talk and then as he left he’d kiss me. It was weird but I had a few like that so I didn’t think much of it.” I paused feeling a little choked all the sudden. “Until one day…. Well he wasn’t just lonely it seemed.”

I only looked up to meet his eyes when I felt Paz’s hand on mine. I had always imagined he’d be angry, that he’d lose himself in a fit of rage but he wasn’t mad. He just looked at me gently.

“It didn’t start until he found out.”

“Found out what, cyar’ika?”

I grabbed his hand a little tighter, “That I’m a Mandalorian.” I could see him stiffen just slightly, “He got obsessive. He was more and more violent everyday. And… he just keeps appearing in my dreams. Every night I feel like I’m there again.”

Paz stood from his spot and kneeled right in front of the pilots chair as he grabbed both of my hands in his. “He’s not here verd’ika, they’re just nightmares. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Vaguely I realized I was crying. “What if he’s looking for me,” It was a terrible thought that always seemed to nag at the back of my mind. “Not only was he obsessive, he was possessive. He’d fly into these outbursts any time he found out someone else had been with me, as if I had any say in the matter. There were a few times I thought he might kill me.”

“Listen to me Din. I won’t let that happen.” There was no room for argument behind his words. It didn’t matter anyway, I believed him. “How would you have ended the nightmare you had tonight?”

I didn’t need to think of an answer. I had thought of it every day, everytime, and in every dream. “I would have killed him.”

Paz kept his eyes trained on me as he lifted my hands to his lips and placed a soft kiss to each. “Can you tell me his name, verd’ika.”

I could still feel the wetness of my tears on my cheeks as I watched him. He was so gentle and calm. He was not angry with me. Of course he wasn’t, why would he be? “Cartic. That’s the only name he ever gave me.”

“We could find him. We could kill him, Din.” His voice calmed the storm in my mind. There was such a kindness in him few ever got the chance to see. To all others he was pure strength and violence. Munit tome’tayl, skotah iisa. 

But that’s not who he really was, with me he was always lighthearted teases and soft touches. And I didn’t know why I was the one who got to see this side of him. All the emotion I was feeling, all the affection and fondness, for him was suddenly overwhelming.

Instead of answering I surged forward, capturing his lips with my own. There was a slide of his soft full lips on my own and we tilt our heads to deepen the kiss. I felt frenzied trying to get as much of him as I could. Feel as much of him as I could as I ran my hands down his neck and over his broad shoulders.

Paz wasn’t sickened by me. He wasn’t disgusted. He wanted justice for me. Once again I found myself consumed by the safety I found in him. He would kill for me but he’d never hurt me. I knew that. And that knowledge gave me the security to just be human with him and it was a relief.

My heart rabbitted against my ribcage as our tongues met and I felt the low moan leave my mouth before I heard it.

“Fuck,” he sighed out against my lips. In one smooth movement he grabbed me under my legs, stood, and sat in the chair I’d just been sitting in with me on his lap. He had lifted me like I was nothing and it turned me on even more. “You okay?”

“Absolutely,” I answered before leaning down to kiss him dark and deep again. Paz rested his hands on my hips holding me firmly against him. With both his hands he nearly reached fully around my waist, the thought was intoxicating.

A moment later his lips were roaming down my neck and I could hear my own panting echo in the cockpit. His teeth dug into my neck only for him to kiss and soothe the spot with his tongue. I rutted forward involuntarily only to feel his cock hard and hot in his loose sleep shorts.

Before thinking I ran my hand up the front of his pants as he let out the most beautifully low groan I’d ever heard. Immediately his lips were back on mine with a new urgency and fuck, I wanted him. I wanted to see where this went. I wanted to hear more of those noises.

Just as the thought pasted my mind, a loud ring sounded through the small space and I felt myself jump. For a moment I let myself ignore it, until shortly after there was another one. I sighed as I looked down on Paz from his lap. His lips were swollen beautifully and his eyes were blown wide. “Am I keeping you from some important piloting, cyar’ika?”

“It’s probably just Cara.”

Lazily he pushed some of my hair from my eyes. “You think it’s important?”

“Yeah I messaged her earlier, but I don’t wanna move.”

He laughed, taking his hands off where they were randomly exploring. I stood off him but he just looked up at me. I raised an eyebrow in question only for him to tap the top of his thighs. I rolled my eyes but sat on his lap again as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“What am I the baby?” I joked as I found the message and he laughed quietly behind me with his chin resting on my shoulder.

The answer was just as simple as my question, “Yes. We have jobs.”

“Where are we going?” He asked as I was inputting the familiar coordinates of Nevarro.

“Nevarro. We need money to get the next pieces,” I answered as I handed the datapad over my shoulder for him to see.

“You’ve been busy haven’t you, verd’ika,” He planted a small kiss to my neck as I guided us into hyperspace.

***

“How come I always seem to end up back on Nevarro?” I asked as Paz was strapping on the last of his armor.

“Something about it still feels like home for me,” he said. A moment later, quick and chaste, he kissed me before pulling on his helmet. 

Something seemed to click in me since we had talked and we’d fallen into this unexpected habit. While before I’d feel anxious with any touch that couldn’t be seen as strictly platonic, now I found myself much more relaxed. It was comforting to know he wanted me, to know he truly cared for me.

We’d barely been able to keep our hands off each other. If he hadn’t immediately put on his helmet we probably would have been late for our meeting with Cara.

We might still be if we took any longer. Quickly I finished packing the bag of the baby’s few possessions. I double checked for about the fifth time before pulling the bag over my shoulder. With the birikad on I placed him securely to my chest. I could feel him grab a fistful of my shirt as he leaned in to me. It was well past his nap time by now and I was more than happy if he got some sleep before I handed him off to Cara.

The anxiety of leaving him was rising in me again. What if something happened? What if I don’t see him again?

Paz’s arm was around my waist as we stood in front of the ramp, “There’s no need to worry, he’ll be fine. Remember the meticulous plan Cara had?”

I nodded as I let out a breath in an attempt to calm myself. He pulled me a lot closer to him, his warm hand rested over the mended rip in my shirt, as we walked down into the Nevarro heat.

“Din!” Paz straightened and pulled his arm from my hip like a guilty child as Cara waved from across the small field that was used as a landing spot. With her usual swagger, we walked to me and pulled me into a hug. I was a little surprised at first but wrapped my arms around her as well.

“Well, it’s good to see you too, Dune.” I deadpanned back at her. There was something distinctly different with Cara. While most people I met only saw the seriousness, she was able to see my humor that lay beneath that.

“Let me look at you,” She said as she grabbed my face in her hand like an overbearing relative. I shook out of her grasp and pushed her shoulder. “You look much better than the last time I saw you.”

“Tends to happen when you’re no longer bleeding to death.”

She grimaced looking to Paz, “Was it that bad?”

“Took almost two hours to cauterize, so…” I looked over at him, I didn’t know it took that long. I had never asked but I was still surprised. 

Cara sucked in through her teeth. “That must have been hell.”

“He was unconscious for most of it, but yes it was.”

There was something almost flirty about the way he said it in a weird way. I found myself blushing. 

“My theory was that you faked it to have Muscles here carry you like that?”

My face felt hot but I heard a small chuckle from Paz. I didn’t even know what she was talking about. All I could remember was him dragging me as I tried to limp along...and just a small memory of his helmet framed by the clouds. I hadn’t thought much of it but he must have been carrying me in his arms for me to see him from that angle. 

“Wouldn’t put it past him,” I heard Paz say as I shot a glare his way. As expected, Cara let out a full laugh. “But unfortunately it was in fact blood loss.”

“Are we gonna go or just continue tormenting me?” I asked, speaking emotionlessly with perfect ease.

“By all means, lead the way, verd’ika,” The teasing tone I was so used to from him sounds distorted through the modulator. I wish I could see that stupid little smirk he always wore.

Cara only gave me a questioning look as I walked towards the common house. Luckily the two had let the conversation fall into normal small talk. After all it wasn’t fair for both of them to gang up on me. 

We asked Cara what had happened when we left and apparently the bounty hunters were able to chase them off with only a few casualties after Paz took out the Tie Fighter. It seemed they had gotten quite fond of the little womp rat after his weeks staying in the common house. I remembered them pulling blasters on me when I reached for the ball when I’d first gotten back. I hadn’t thought much of it then , but now it made my chest clench painfully.

I felt less worried too knowing a small army of hunters risked their lives for his safety. 

Speaking of which I felt him stir against me as we entered the rowdy common house. Upon seeing Cara through his sleepy eyes he squealed reaching for her. She grabbed him before he could climb out and attempt to leap to her. 

“Hi kiddo, did you miss me?” I watched a little in awe as the kid happily grabbed at her hair and face. Cara was family. I don’t know exactly when it happened but she was.

“Mand- Djarin!” Kargo corrected quickly and I could see the look Cara gave him. It gave me the strange impression that she had drilled him on what to call me only for him to instantly mess up. I made my way to the booth and sat across from him as I had so many times before. “How have you been?”

His voice still had that over the top quality to it but there was some true concern under all his dramatics. “I’ve been doing okay, thank you. However, I need some jobs.”

“And will this impressive specimen be joining you?” He asked as he directed towards Paz who stood to the side of the booth since his jet pack and blaster made it nearly impossible to sit in a booth. “What’s your name?”

“You can call me mando.” I had to suppress the smirk. It was clear he did not like him. I didn’t blame him, Greef was an… acquired taste.

“Yes, he will be with me.”

“Well then you can make quite the fortune,” he placed three pucks on the table. “All wealthy bail jumpers. All but one with no violent record. All three yours.”

I looked through them. It was more than enough, even after fuel we’d have nearly 200,000 credits. “Don’t the other guild members need jobs?”

“What can I say? I reserved my best jobs for my best client.” He leaned back as he pushed them to me. “Take them. Cara and I will keep the little creature safe.”

Sometimes I could forget Kargo’s connection to the child as well. He had saved Greef all those months ago and he had fought right beside me in this very common house. Guilty I realized I still underestimate him from time to time.

“Thank you, Greef.”

He huffed me off my gratitude as he ordered us drinks. The man certainly likes his alcohol. I wasn’t complaining. He held the drink in a toast with no words before taking a large sip, I followed suit. I knew Paz would be confused by the interaction but I also knew what Greef was saying with the small toast.

We are no longer business partners but friends.

The small interaction was disrupted by Cara and the baby cooing nonsense to each other. I remembered the bag by my side and set it on the table. “This should have anything he needs as well as a comm link and some credits-”

“I’m not taking your money, Din,” She still used the high pitched voice she was with the baby.

“Yes you are. And I’ll call just to let you know I’m okay and that he’s okay. I’ll update you how much longer I’ll be gone then. And… and…” I took a deep breath suddenly face to face with my terror of separating from him. Before my thoughts could spiral any further out of control Paz placed a heavy hand on my shoulder. It was calming and I placed my hand over his, forgetting where we we’re. “If you don’t hear from me for three days, I’m dead. If you can, bring him to the covert. You’ll find it on Oosalon, they’ll take him in.”

She seemed to understand my anxiety and thankfully didn’t try to comfort me. “I’ll keep him safe.”

“I know.”

I just sat there for a moment until Paz grabbed the pucks from the table and pocketed them. It was time to go, I realized. 

“Well… we should probably…” Cara passed the tiny child to me and I hugged him to my chest before looking him in the eye. “Be good for Cara, ad’ika. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I leaned my forehead down to touch mine to his, “Ni kar’taylir gar darasuum.”

Paz leaned forward to run his hand over the child’s long ear. “Ret’uryce mhi.”

“I’ll keep him safe,” Cara assured again as I reluctantly handed him back to her. “Now just make sure you’re safe, Din, we’ll be here.”

I felt myself linger before Paz placed his hand gently on my back, “You ready, verd’ika?”

I looked back into the common house. People shuffled from place to place drinks were ordered, conversations were taking place but in the middle of the chaotic scene was my son, Cara and Greef. It was then I remembered why I always came back to Nevarro.

The people.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> Ok so I love this chapter I had so much fun writing it and I hope you guys enjoy it as well. We're probably halfway through? maybe? I really don't know I have the whole thing planned out but my timelines often change as the characters just don't seem to want to do what I want them to lol.
> 
> Anyway enjoy  
> Cork

Despite the anxiety that still lingered from leaving the kid, I found myself a little excited at the prospect of bounty hunting. This was something I knew so well. In the past few weeks I found a new insecurity I had never truly known before. I wasn’t sure how to trust or what my identity was without the culture I grew to love. But there were two things I didn’t doubt, I’m a father and a bounty hunter. I knew I still had the skills and instincts in me that I had cultivated over so many years.

Bounty hunting can get quite complicated from time to time but in most cases there’s a weird sense of justice in completing a bounty. Even if that feeling isn’t always earned. However, for the most part I didn’t care who I was delivering or what they did. Someone was paying for them and I would do my job and provide for the tribe. Now the motivation seemed a little less noble but no less rewarding.

Contently, I inspected weapons and supplies we’d need for the first bounty, we decided to go after the one with ties to the Hutts, they were the only violent of the three. I hated doing any work for the Hutts but they paid better than anyone in the galaxy and I’d rather stay on their good side. Afterall Empires and Republics fall but the Hutts are always there to profit.

“So did you ever do any hunter training?” I asked as I stripped and cleaned the blaster I had been using the past few weeks.

“Nope. Went straight military the whole time but it can’t be that different right?”

I raised my eyebrow to him, “You can’t be serious.”

“What?” Paz asked looking up to me from across the cockpit where he was tinkering with the circuitry in his chest plate. “I know how to fight. Hand to hand or with weapons so it won’t be too hard to take them.”

“And how are you going to find them in the first place, cyar’ika?”

“The tracking thing?”

I held back the laughter building in me, “The fob?”

“Yeah. That.” He continued working on his armor.

Again I found myself staring at him, leaned over with his hair pulled back by a strap of leather. A few dreads had slipped free and were framing his focused face. I wanted to push the rebellious hair behind his ears. 

“So, you in full Mandalorian armor are just going to walk around the city with a fob until you find your target.” He looked up to narrow his eyes at me, “That’s a great plan. Definitely won’t get you killed.” 

Just a ghost of a smile was on his face from my teasing, “Not with the best bounty hunter in the galaxy with me it won’t.”

“Ori’buyce, kih kovid.” I smugly added only for him to throw a small tool he’d been using at me. I laughed freely, “I’m kidding, cyare, I’ll teach you some tricks.” 

“What an honor,” He pouted.

“According to you I’m ‘the best bounty hunter in the galaxy’ so I’d say it is quite the honor,” He rolled his eyes before resuming his work. “You’d do fine as long as you listen to me.”

“We’re certainly doomed then,” He joked.

I was still shocked how quickly I had fully embraced the recent turn of events between us. We had always teased each other, but now it felt far more flirtatious. If I ignored all the negative thoughts and the nightmares it almost felt like we picked up right where we left off decades ago. 

Shouldn’t it feel like we’ve grown apart? How could I still know him after nearly twenty years of avoiding him?

It didn’t make sense. I wasn’t sure if I cared to examine the logic of it.

I stood as I finished the prep for the weapons and leaned down to press my lips to his as he stretched his neck to reach as I leaned over where he was still sitting. This was new though. This freedom to kiss whenever I wanted to. When you can’t let anyone see your face kissing becomes quite the rarity. 

It still felt somewhat scandalous getting to see his eyes slowly open again as I pulled back. Or the way he’d run his teeth over his lips. Or how his eyes dilated. Or how his lips would be swollen. It was strange getting to watch something so simple could cause such a reaction.

When I finally pulled away, I once again got to watch those little reactions erupt over his features. For a split second he tried to stretch his neck just a little further to meet my lips again only to open his eyes and look at me. Paz smiled softly as his dark eyes seemed to carefully study my face. 

It was incredibly cute. I wanted to die.

I desperately didn’t want to say what I needed to. “We should get going.”

“What if instead we stayed,” gently he grabbed my hips and lightly pulled me closer, “And we could find out how many of those cute little noises you can make.”

My face flushed hot, and despite my embarrassment, I felt the rush of thrill course through my body. Instead I pushed lightly on his chest and he immediately released me. Dramatically I pouted at him, “Di’kut.”

“Just thought I’d voice all our options, verd’ika.” He stood before strapping the armor to his chest. “Well then, I guess I’ll settle for being taught how to bounty hunt, beroya.”

He followed as I made my way to the lower level, “First lesson, no jetpack and blaster cannon.” Paz raised his eyebrow at me as I finished stocking up on ammo from the weapons locker. “We’re goin into a small city, not a war zone. You’ll pull too much attention.”

“You’re the expert.”

I handed him some smaller blasters and a pair of cuffs. “And remember we want them alive. You’ll always get more for a living bounty.”

“Can’t that kill them?” He asked pointing to the carbonite freezer.

“Sometimes,” I answered as I pulled on my cloak. “But most of the time if they do die is from being released from it, so no longer our problem. When you have multiple targets like we do it's worth the risk.”

He nodded in response.

“Okay so here’s the plan. I’ll ask around since I can blend in better, once I think I have him located, I’ll call you to meet me. Hopefully seeing you will spook him into going somewhere private where we can take him easily.” I tucked the commlink into the collar again, “We’ll keep contact through the links again.”

He grabbed the other, “Sounds like a pretty good plan.”

“If he makes a run for it outside the city we’ll regroup before going after him. In the city it’s fair game but we should stay together if we're in the desert.”

Paz’s face was split wide from his smile. There was an excitement in him that I recognized from even before we swore the creed. He always did like a challenge. He pulled a small bag onto his back, filled with some extra supplies, and pulled on his helmet. “Let’s do it.”

I smiled back as I opened the door to the desert of Savareen. We were a mile or so from the city and I found myself getting more and more giddy as we approached. I realized this talent I had was just sitting in me unused and suddenly I need to release it once again.

Part of me thought there should be more anxiety in me at the prospect of another job, after all last time I went on a job I had gotten trapped and sold. But this felt so much different. For one thing I wasn’t a target now. Then I had been a Mandalorian, a trophy to anyone who could kill or defeat me, now I’m just another mediocre bounty hunter as far as anyone else was concerned.

And not to mention I had backup. I think other than the job on Sorgan this was the first time I ever did a job with someone I fully trusted. Paz and I were a team, not just a temporary alliance, no matter what happened I knew he’d have my back.

The trek was a long one through the shifting sand of the desert and I could feel the exposed skin of my face and lower arms burn under the unrelenting sun. Finally the small city could be seen not far from us. “Ok we should split now, this will work better if we are not seen together.”

His gloved hand ran across my forehead before leaning down to place his helmet to my head. “K’oyacyi, verd’ika. Call if there's any trouble.”

“You too.” I rested my hand to his cheek plate before heading towards the small desert town.

There was really nothing of import in the small city. A market with some vendors, a cantina, some restaurants, an inn and that was about it. Or at least at first glance it was. I could see the fringe underlying the city after so long doing this. The money exchanged between partners, the smugglings bring the famous brandy in and out of the city, and ofcourse the runners hoping to hide in plain sight.

I had learned over the years that no matter how small or innocent a place seems there is always corruption and violence hiding just under the surface. It was more than a little pessimistic but after being proved right again and again it seemed like a fair assessment.

It had been a few hours with no sign of the target and I was starting to think this was a waste of a day. Nothing in the cantina, nothing in the market, nothing in the restaurants. Still I continued to watch, it wasn’t a very large area so I was doubtful that he could have snuck out without Paz or I seeing him. No, he had to still be in the city.

I checked the fob momentarily, still a small reading, maybe he lived in one of the apartments that lined the streets. In that case we may need to call this early and come back tomorrow. It’d be dark in a few hours and who knows how long it’ll take to get back to the crest. 

“Anything on your end?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“Alright. We’ll need to decide what our next mov-” Without warning a man leaving the small inn caught my eye. It was him, I was sure of it, I stood frozen as he made his way across the street and I followed closely behind.

“Din? I didn’t get that?”

“I got eyes. Heading to cantina.” I answered quietly into the link.

“Copy. Be there soon.”

Maybe this wouldn’t be such a waste after all. I was correct in my assumption as he entered the cantina. I waited a moment before following making sure to keep myself out of any attention. As I sat at the bar I could see the target approach a group of men and women at a booth, smugglers if I had to guess.

I kept my head low over the brandy I’d ordered and listened carefully. The group seemed friendly, I guessed he made friends with them looking for some money that wasn’t related to the Hutts and kept him moving. 

About thirty minutes passed when Paz finally entered the cantina. As I expected every head turned to look at his intimidating stature in the doorway. I watched as people prickled or tried to make themselves invisible. I swear I could see every single person with a price on their head just from their reaction.

Our little table of smugglers had fallen silent and a few looks were pointed towards the target. His face was drained of all blood, unlike the others with bounties, he knew his would have the backing to warrant a Mandalorian.

Slowly, making a show of it, Paz crossed the bar to sit at a table with an indirect view of the booth. It was the perfect place and I found myself holding back a smile. Maybe I could make a hunter out of him after all.

A server approached his table and immediately the bounty was out of his booth and slipping out a back door. I left credits on the bar as I hurried out the front door using the fob to fall in line behind him.

“Paz circle around. Going through the market.”

“Copy.”

My heart pounded in my chest with anticipation. I could catch up now with a good chance of being able to jump him but it was still far too populated. Finally he turned into an alley but before I could react he took off into a sprint as someone grabbed me from behind.

With a quick elbow they released me and I turned to face them properly. Two of the smugglers, guess they were friends after all. 

The man who grabbed me pulled a blaster but I charged and grabbed his wrist and turned to yank it behind his back with a satisfying pop. At the same time I sweeped my leg in front of his ankles so he fell face first to the ground.

The second smuggler, a woman, jumped on my back as an untrained attempt to get me to the ground. I stumbled as I found my balance. Finally I was able to jerk forward sending her over my head as I pulled my blaster and shot once at her before taking off down the alleys.

_ Fuck, this was bad,  _ I thought as I used the fob to guide me through the unfamilar streets. “Paz? Paz! Be careful he has friends.”

I got no response, as I ran through the city, I got more and more anxious. It was safe to assume they figured us out and sent the strongest to fight Paz. That could be the only explanation for the weak fighters sent against me, they assumed I’d be easy to take out, save their strength for the mandalorian.

The beep of the fob was growing more and more frantic and I knew I was almost there. A single blaster shot rang out from just a block away. I tried to run even faster.

In the narrow street Paz was fighting off one of the smugglers as well as the target. Another of the smugglers was further down with his weapon drawn. I shot and hit. The target looked at me for a moment with fear in his eyes before a well placed blow from his friend had Paz loosen his grip. The next second the man was running.

“Follow him!” Paz yelled as he was able to get the upper hand and I took off. 

The adrenaline was intoxicating as I followed closely behind slowly gaining on him. I had always been fast but I felt even more so without the weight of the armor. He was just about in reach when luckily, in his panic to escape he cornered himself. 

As a last ditch attempt to outrun he tried to climb the fence. I sighed as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him onto the ground. With my blaster trained on him, I threw the cuffs to him. “Cuff yourself.”

“Come on, man, I’ll pay you.”

I kicked them closer, “You’re options are cuff yourself or I kill you here.”

The man looked around a moment before finally slipping on the cuffs. A moment later I heard Paz approach.

“Osik verd’ika,” I could hear the shallow breaths from his modulator as he caught his breath.

I smiled, “Easy, right?”

“Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m thinking.”

“You okay?” I asked Paz as I lifted the cuffed man to his feet.

I was surprised to hear the voice of the target, “I think I fell on my back weird.”

“I’m not asking you, now come on.” I rolled my eyes as I pushed him forward.

Paz let out a small laugh, “I’m fine, just a few bruises, you?”

“Yeah same.”

“Please they’ll kill me you know they will.” I ignored him and realized this was going to be a long walk back to the ship. I hated the talkers.

With only about 15 minutes left of this torturous walk he still hadn’t shut up. 

“I’ll pay. Double if I have to,” He begged again. The sun was set now and I could not wait to throw this idiot in the freezer and finally have some peace again.

“We all know you can’t out pay the Hutts,” Paz responded and I gave him a look I hope showed how mad I was at him for encouraging him.

“But we all work in this industry, surely you hate the Hutts too.” He craned his neck back to me.

“I’m definetly not stupid enough to double cross them.” I responded back, not knowing why I was breaking my no talking rule. 

I decided to zone out his rambling about the Hutts and I realized how cold it had gotten since the sun set. This is why I hate deserts. This morning I was sweating and burning and now I’m shivering.

“You cold?” Paz asked over the targets rant.

“It’s fine. We’re almost there.”

“Please, us hunters have to look-”

“I got you something,” Paz said as he pulled the bag from his shoulder. “After hours waiting around the market it became suspicious to not buy anything,” he pulled out a dark green knit sweater with small patches with reinforced fabric on the shoulders and elbows. “So I bought this so I don’t have to hear you complain about the cold anymore.”

I laughed a little as I pulled the cloak to the side to slip it on. It fit perfect and was immediately better. “Vor entye.”

“Are you liste-”

“Of course, verd’ika.” He ruffled in the bag a moment longer before pulling out a crocheted stuffed frog. “And I got this for ad’ika.”

“Paz,” I thought my chest might burst. The sweater was sweet but this was incredibly charming.

“Come on, I don’t want to die, Mando-” 

“I actually saw this first and was talking about him to the shopkeeper and she refused to let me pay for it but I felt far too bad not paying for her work. Hence the sweater purchase.”

I wished I could kiss him right now. The image of him gushing over the child to an old lady running a knitting business to the point she made him take the toy was simply too much. “He’ll love it.”

Somehow even through the helmet he beamed with pride as he replaced the toy and I set my free hand on his back. It seemed finally the target got the hint as we walked in silence the rest of the way to the  _ Crest _ .

We wasted no time, instantly in-bedding him in the carbonite. One down two to go.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CW Sexual assault*
> 
> Su cuy'
> 
> Ok first of all I meant to do this last chapter but I forgot. I need to dedicated last chapter (really this whole work) to the woman protesting with BLM that got arrested with me. After being detained for 14 hours (most of which outside, thanks CPD) we ended up in a holding cell together. You were wearing a mythosaur shirt. In that crowded cell I decide to write Mando fanfic in my head to amuse myself. I never got your name. What I wrote was the basis for the last chapter and really this whole thing. Vor enyte, vod.
> 
> Sorry had to get that out of the way. Well this chapter is very intense so enjoy? I guess?  
> Can't wait to see what you think!  
> Cork

“How’s it going?” Cara’s voice called calmly over the comm link. I relaxed a little as I had every time I talked to her since we left. About a week had passed since leaving and we were finally on our last bounty.

“We’re good and you?”

Before she could answer the high pitch squeals of the baby could be heard in response to my voice. There was such a raw emotion that bloomed over me hearing him react to my voice. In a way it was an affirmation, if the kid missed me I must be doing something right.

“Su cuy’ ad’ika. Me’vaar ti gar?” I asked in the tone I reserved for the baby. Just a touch higher pitched.

“Buu!”

I laughed a little, “Are you having fun with ba’vodu Cara?”

He mumbled nonsense back and I felt like I might cry. I missed him terribly.

“We’ll be back soon. We miss you, Paz has a surprise for you ad’ika.” I motioned to Paz who was sitting in the chair that had become his.

“Elek, hope you’re not causing too much trouble.” He responded.

“Ppaa!” came the response and even I was surprised he’d picked up the name. It was the first time he said it. I looked over to see him swallow hard around the lump I was sure was in his throat.

“Elek, it’s me. Well be back soon, ad’ika,” his voice was strained and I decided to cut in.

“Cara we should hopefully finish the last job tomorrow and be back on Nevarro in three days.”

“Sounds good. We’ll be here,” The baby could still be heard cooing in the background. “Say goodbye to your dad and Paz.”

“Buu!” 

“Ret’uryce mhi, ad’ika.” I answered and the link ended leaving a strange silence to fall over us. “You okay?”

He nodded a little frantically, I could see a few tears in his eyes, “Yeah, I’m good. He’s a very good kid, Din.”

“He really adores you.”

Paz only took a few deep breaths. The interaction had my chest clenched tight in affection, despite where this went between the two of us, I know he truly cared for the child. It was hard to even comprehend the enormous warmth in me at the thought of Paz’s love for my son.

Just as I always had a special place for him, I knew Paz had held on to something in me as well. But the child was different, he didn’t need to show such kindness and patience with him. But I knew deep in him that’s just who Paz is.

There was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him how much I admired him. How he was helping me become myself again. How beautiful he always looked. How much I trusted him. 

How much I loved him.

The thought terrified me but it was no unexpected. Now looking back on those years when we were barely even adults I had loved him. I would have married him then if life hadn’t gotten in the way. I had been scared once I got the beroya job. What would it mean if I was rarely there? What did it mean now that we were no longer in the crucible of a war?

It had been easier to write it off, to become comfortable with my own loneliness. I convinced myself I needed no one and I’d grown bitter at any reminder of those few years I wasn’t alone. We had somehow gone from lovers to antagonists. Hell we had fought until we held knives to each other’s throats.

Then the child came along and I let myself entertain the idea of something beyond loneliness. The little womp rat had softened me and now seeing the only man I’d ever loved near tears after the same child said his name was too much. Fuck I loved him.

I wanted to say it. 

I didn’t say it. “We should get some rest for the job tomorrow.”

“Of course, verd’ika.”

It had been hours until finally sleep found me. Everything unsaid sat heavy in my mind late into the night.

***

It was official, I hated the cold. Even with the long sleeve shirt, sweater and cloak, I was still freezing. I couldn’t believe how the cold air on my face could chill my entire body but that seemed to be the case. I found myself increasingly jealous of Paz’s helmet. 

I had to remind myself that this would be a quick job. All we needed to do was collect a noblewoman's son after he’d skipped on a pretty large bail. The target had no history of violence or any real criminal activity before this, so the two of us should be able to make quick work of it.

The fob had led us into another snowy town carved into the shelter of a cliff. The snow covered hills surrounding the area made for one of the most beautiful views I’d ever seen. The sun was shining bright in the sky and the surface of the snow glittered in the evening light.

Unfortunately the view was probably the only positive of the city. The inhabitants were hostile and other than one shop for food the only other points of interest were a common house/inn and a brothel. I had a faint instinct I knew where he’d be.

“Let’s check the common house,” Paz said matter of fact as he moved that way despite the slowing of the fob.

Clearly, he was trying to prolong the inevitable with misplaced optimism. I knew it was an attempt to keep me calm but it only seemed to raise my anxiety more. I knew that my reaction could be understandable but I was frustrated with my new incompetence. How many times had I walked into a brothel to get a target? And now the thought paralyzed me.

But that wasn’t all that was disturbing me. There was guilt too. How could I walk in there and look the workers in the eye as I left them there to continue their torment? Why was I safe from that life and they weren’t? How was that fair? 

My heart hammered uncomfortably, when as expected, there was no one in the common house. I could feel myself shaking and I knew it was no longer from the cold. I knew what we had to do but I didn’t want to face it. 

I’d have to come face to face with it. Paz would have to come face to face with it. It’d just be another reminder of what I am, of why he shouldn’t be with me. Of why I'm broken. How I can’t ever be fixed. How I’ll never be what he deserves. How-

I flinched as Paz laid his hand on my shoulder, only for him to instantly withdraw it. “Din are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself but it seemed my lungs didn’t want to obey.

“We’ll just wait until he leaves. Then we’ll take him.”

I tried to push down the fear in me but it still lingered. “No. We take him now. He’ll be distracted. This is far less dangerous. Brothels are always the best place to take a target.”

“Din this is a bad idea.”

A hot anger built in me with each breath. I’m a hunter, this is my job. They can’t take this from me too. I won’t let them. “I’m the expert. This is the job.”

“Then I’ll go,” His voice was concerned and firm.

“No. I’m going with you.”

“Din-”

“I can do this Paz. I’m still a bounty hunter, I can’t let that go too.” I felt a small amount of strength in me from my own defiance.

Paz just looked through the visor at me for a moment before sighing. “I’ll have your back, beroya.”

I nodded before I turned and headed to the small worn down building. I was so thankful that Paz trusted me, that he understood why I needed to do this. I tried to remind myself he did not actually think less of me because of what had happened to me but it was a hard habit to break. 

I tried to keep the thoughts from my mind as I entered the building Paz following right behind me. The main room was a small area with some couches and a bar, men and women were walking around the room in robes. The few ‘guests’ in the house were looking at them in a way that made me sick as they drank.

“Haven’t seen you here before, baby.” A young man barely twenty greeted as we stood near the door in uncertainty. None of the guest were the target, meaning he was probably in a backroom.

I tried to control the anxiety in my voice, “I’m looking for someone. Can you help?”

“Maybe,” He answered as he leaned back on the wall and crossed his arms. Even in the low light the purple of the healing bruises on his wrists were alarming. I wanted to help him. I wanted to grab him and run. I looked around the room, I knew all too well that all of them had bruises.

There was one woman chatting up a guest, her black eye barely concealed under layers of makeup. I had the urge to run as far as I could. I had to urge to open fire on every single asshole in this place but I knew that wouldn’t help the people imprisoned here. If anything they’d probably be blamed.

I pulled the puck from my belt and illuminated the image, “I need to find this man. Most likely he’s been in this town for a little while. I assume he’s been here a few times.”

“I don’t know everyone that comes in here.”

I met his eyes, he looked tired, “I know that’s not true.” At least I always made note of every single person who came back more than once. And I just had a feeling this spoiled brat would be frequenting this place. “I can make it worth your time.”

He looked towards me a little guilty. There was something holding him back from telling me. “My friend’s with him, promise me you won’t hurt him and I’ll tell you which room.”

“I promise I won’t,” I understood his fear. I saw first hand how little people considered them people. I could imagine a bounty hunter busting in not caring if a stray bolt hit a whore. “I’ll make sure he’s safe.”

“Second room on the right,” He held his arms a little closer to himself nervously. “Please don’t hurt him.”

“Thank you,” I leaned close to not bring attention to me as I placed credits in his hand. I spoke quietly into his ear, “This is not for them. This is for you, hide it and when you can use it.”

He nodded as he looked at the credits in his hand. It was more than I’d make in a whole week.

I didn’t look back as I walked down the main hallway to the door he had directed us too. I looked to Paz who nodded. I took a breath before knocking loudly on the door. With a strong push I swung the door open and Paz immediately rushed into the room.

With more force than he needed he grabbed the man who was adjusting his pants and forced the binders on his wrist. I approached the bed and the man on it moved further back clearly scared. I held out my hands. “Don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you.”

He was breathing shallow through his nose as he tugged on the robe to cover himself. Making sure not to scare him any further I pulled more credits from my pocket and laid them on the floor next to the mattress slowly. It was about the same I gave to his friend.

Paz had the man against the wall as he waited for me. Suddenly the door swung open and I trained my blaster on the individual only for me to holster it again when I realized it was the other man. Seeming to have not noticed me he ran to the thin mattress and pulled the other man into his arms.

The one that had been with the target cried into his chest and the other placed a kiss to his forehead. I couldn’t leave them with nothing only to continue this cycle until one was eventually killed. I stepped closer only for them to look at me with terror in their eyes. 

Slowly I pulled out my blaster, “I’m not going to hurt you, “I reassured as I placed it down on the bed. They watched attentively as I did the same with my vibroblade. They looked questionly at the weapons. “Hide these until you can escape. Sorry I can’t help more.”

They didn’t seem to know how to react, until a guard could be heard from the hallway and one threw the blaster under the mattress and the other concealed the blade in his robe. “Be safe.”

Finally I turned and left them behind. I hated myself for it. I just hope I’d given them a fighting chance. As always Paz seemed to read my mind, “You did everything you could, verd’ika.”

I hoped he was right but still shame weighed me down. I should have done more. If it was me I would have wanted someone to do more. “I should have done more.”

“You gave them a chance.”

_ I could have given them a future _ , I thought to myself.

“I hope so.”

Luckily this target was smart enough to keep his mouth shut as we all walked in silence back to the  _ Crest.  _ Nothing felt real as Paz shoved him forcefully into the freezer.

What if this was only a temporary arrangement? What if somehow I ended up back there? What if Cartic found me? He’d certainly do everything he could to make me his. At any moment I could be back there like those men. Fuck, they were so young. What if they didn’t make it? They were barely even adults.

I should have taken them with me. I should have found a way. Why did I get saved and not them? Nothing in this whole fucking galaxy was just. How could there ever be justice if all we ever did to each other was take? There was not one place in all of existence that was civil. Not one species that was truly peaceful. Not one person that was truly decent.

I had escaped and yet I was still helpless to do anything. Nothing I did changed anything. I could distract myself with Paz and hunting and give some credits here and some weapons there but that did nothing for them in the large scheme of everything. They were still slaves. They were still beaten. They still watched as their friends were murdered. 

They were still being raped daily.

I knew that and I still abandoned them. I knew it better than anyone and I still left them to that life. I was just as bad. Why had I even been spared? What was the fucking point of this?

The anger in me was overpowering. Without thinking I took a glass and threw it as hard as I could at the wall. The sound as it shattered and the shards raining on to the floor made me feel just a little better. I grabbed another and screamed as I threw it as well.

Before I could grab anything else Paz held my arms and I felt my legs give out, I was sobbing as he supported my weight before lowering me into his lap as he sat on the floor.

“K’uur, verd’ika, I have you. I have you Din,” His hand ran over my back as I cried into his shirt. “I’ll always have you, cyar’ika, it’s okay.”

I couldn’t get the image of the two men in each other’s arms out of my head. Why couldn’t I save them? How often did they comfort each other just like this? Telling each other comforting lies of hope to make it through the night. The one in the room had been so scared.

What did I do to deserve to be safe?

“Paz I can’t save them,” I choked out through violent sobs.

He held me closer to him, “I know, cyare, I know. I wish we could have done more.”

“They’re gonna die there, I saw it so often.”

“You gave them something they didn’t have before, you gave them money and power. You shifted the dynamic, you gave them an upper hand.”

I grabbed desperately at the beskar he was still wearing, “It doesn’t feel like enough.”

“I know,” Paz planted a small kiss to the crown of my head, “I know, Din.”

I didn’t have the strength to say anything else as he held me through the sobs. He stayed there on the floor with me for hours until finally no more tears came. Once again the thought crossed my mind; I loved him so much.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> Sorry this took so long anytime I have to write anything even barely fluffy I lose all confindence in my writing. Not to mention I wanted this chapter to also cover what is now gonna be the next chapter too but I realized I was already over 4k words, so...
> 
> Anyway hope you like it  
> Cork
> 
> P.S. I am working full time now so I hope to do at least 3 chapters a week. Probably mon wed fri but it may be random.

The soft sound of armor clasps woke me from a dreamless sleep. I was so exhausted and my eyes felt fused shut. I remembered then the crying, the screaming, the glass breaking but I didn’t remember how I got here.

Next to where I usually slept, I was on one of the sleep mats on the floor fully dressed except for my boots and cloak. The other sleeping mat was pushed right next to mine and as my eyes adjusted I saw Paz finishing removing his armor. The light buzz from hyperspace was already pulling me back to sleep but something nagged at me, I couldn’t get the thought that I was forgetting something out of my mind.

Lazily I realized how warm I was and sat to pull the sweater and shirt over my head hoping that would relax me.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You’re fine,” My voice was heavy with sleep.

I could hear his quiet footsteps as he approached, “Can I sleep here with you?”

“Of course.” As soon as he was laying I turned to rest my head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around me. The rhythm of his heart beat echoed in my ear as his hand brushed idly against my back.

I found myself too exhausted to feel guilty for a moment. Instead I just enjoyed how warm his skin was under me, how softly he’d trace scars on my back with his fingers, how right this felt.

“I’m so proud of you, Din. You did so good today, I couldn’t have done it without you, I was overwhelmed and awkward.” He kissed my forehead and took a deep breath, “You were amazing. Kind and patient as you always are, that’s why you're such a good father.”

I pushed myself up from his chest remembering what I forgot. “I didn’t call Cara.”

“Hey, relax. I called her,” His steady hands guided me back to where I was laying. “They’re okay. The baby was asleep and I told Cara we’d be back in two days and you fell asleep early so you’d call her tomorrow.”

I relaxed back into him, I’ll call first thing in the morning. 

“You know she was telling me the hunter’s kept sneaking him food all day. She said she’d turn her back for a minute and when she’d turn back he’d be eating something else. She’s convinced he’s been scheming with them.”

I laughed a little, “Kaysh guur’ skraan.”

“Yeah he certainly does.”

Something melancholy fell over me as the conversation dropped off. How long could this last? It couldn’t continue forever and I realized there was an expiration date on this happiness and safety I felt. I was so terrified by it. I wanted this for as long as I could.

“Paz?”

He hummed in response and I could feel it rumble through his chest.

“What happens after this?” My voice shook just slightly under the weight of what I was asking.

“After what, cyar’ika?”

I swallowed hard, “After I return my armor. The tribe will need you back. What happens then? Does this just end again?”

Paz craned his neck a little to look down at me. “I’ve been thinking about that too, verd’ika.”

“And?” I wasn’t sure which would hurt more; continuing in ignorance or knowing this would end.

“Well, I think I’m going to ask to be the new beroya and if you want me to, I can work with you. We could split payments so I could send it back to the tribe.”

“Paz, you have no training.” I’m sure at least someone in the tribe had started training already.

“But I have the best teacher slash partner.” It seemed like a decent idea but there was a glaring flaw in it.

“And if she refuses?”

He let his head fall back to the pillow as he held me closer to him. “Well then, it’ll be an easy decision.”

In my sleep fogged mind it took me a moment to realize what he meant. “No, Paz, you can’t leave because of me.”

“It won’t be because of you. It’ll be for me, for us, for the baby.” I wrapped my arms around his waist suddenly at a loss for words. “As long as you’ll have me, I’ll stay with you.”

“Paz-” I needed to say something, anything to show him how much I needed him. I was going to say it, I really was. Again, I didn’t. “I want to have you with me too.”

“Good,” I could hear the smile in his voice, “Cause I’m not going anywhere.”

Only a few minutes later I could feel his breaths turn even and shallow and I knew he was asleep. Yet I seemed more awake than I had been all night. I was stuck between my selfish want to hold on to him as long as I could and the fear of him resenting me if he left. 

Unlike me, Paz had been raised from birth in the tribe, hell, he even still had a brother in the tribe. How could I take that from him? The mandalorians had given me a home when mine had been taken from me but the tribe was the only home Paz has ever known. He had said it’d be an easy choice but I couldn’t see how.

Yet at the same time I couldn’t help imagining a future with him. It felt childish, these wants in me for something more than myself, but I wanted them so badly. That may be the worst part of all this is that if I told Paz this I’m afraid he’d agree regardless of how he felt and that simply didn’t seem fair. Already I was too far gone. Why bring him down with me? 

Another doubt that had burrowed itself in my mind was the possibility that he was simply still here out of pity. When he found me I had been bruised and nearly fifty pounds lighter than the last time he saw me. I was a mess with smeared eye makeup barely holding on to life in the hope of seeing my son again.

What if he had just stumbled upon me and did what any friend would? What if I misread the situation and he was going along with it out of guilt? What of this was all a delusion to relive my past?

My racing thoughts were stopped as Paz shifted in his sleep, pulling me even closer to him. I reminded myself he didn’t have to do any of this. He didn’t have to hold me as I cried . He didn’t have to cuddle with me as he slept. He didn’t have to kiss me the way he did. He didn’t have to love my son.

But he did.

Because as much as I doubted and questioned his feelings for me Paz never did. He had always been simply trying to make me safe and happy. Each day I was starting to finally realize that.

I let myself nuzzle a little more into his solid chest and instead of focusing on my dueling thoughts I let the steady beat of his heart lull me back to sleep.

***

“Cara’s not going to take those credits is she?” Paz asked as we left hyperspace and the gray surface of Nevarro could be seen in the distance..

I sighed. “I don’t think so.”

“We owe her something.”

“That’s quite the understatement but yes we do.” I don’t think there was anything I could do to show her how much I appreciated everything she did for the kid. It never mattered to her that we didn’t know each other for very long, somehow it seemed we always knew each other. I was more than lucky to have a friend like her. 

“I could cook for her.”

I laughed a little, “Yes, she risks her life for my son but I guess food is a good start.”

“If you forgot, verd’ika, I’m a very good cook,” There was a smug smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes, “Of course you are.”

“Well I don’t think you can talk. If it wasn’t for me you’d still be eating ration bars for every meal.”

I couldn’t argue with him on that. However, I did anyway. “They’re cheap and they keep you alive.”

“Yeah you’re really selling me on the idea, cyar’ika.”

I smiled. I had always enjoyed these little lighthearted arguments we had. “I think cooking for her’s a good idea. She most likely won’t refuse it, at least.”

“And admit it I'm a good cook,” He added close to my ear as I prepared to land. His breath on my ear made me shiver.

“You’re cocky enough as it is.”

Paz laughed lightly before kissing my neck. It was an absolutely terrible and wonderful distraction from piloting. I didn’t want him to stop as he sucked softly near my pulse point.

“I’m gonna kill us if you don’t stop that,” I was surprised how deep and breathless my voice sounded.

I could feel his smile on the sensitive skin of my neck, “You’re a good pilot. I trust you.”

I tried to suppress the small moan when I exhaled with little success. Finally I turned my head to capture his lips with my own. Immediately the kiss was heated and his hand in my hair was grounding as his tongue slid across mine. In a pure moment of desire I considered staying in orbit for an hour or two.

“Fuck, Din, you’re so beautiful. It's truly unfair to everyone else in the galaxy.” I could feel the blush at his compliments before he continued biting lightly on my neck. I wanted to drown in it. I wanted to die in the deep ocean of hormones and emotions pulsing through my veins.

“Paz.” It slipped my lips without me even noticing.

“What, verd’ika? Tell me.”

So many things raced through my mind of what I could tell him. I could tell him how amazing I felt, how incredibly handsome he was, how beautiful his eyes were when the light caught them just the right way so the amber ring could be seen in his dark eyes, how happy I was that he was here for me. How much I loved him. Fuck I loved him so much.

“Cleared to land, port G1.”

I let myself catch my breath for a moment. “Copy that.” I still sounded low and out of breath.

As he looked down at me, Paz’s eyes were blown so wide I thought I might fall into them. “I better start getting ready.”

I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want him to wear his helmet. With a strong yank to his arm I was able to pull him down for one last lingering kiss. As he pulled away his eyelashes fluttered as he opened his eyes. 

“I admit it. You’re a very good cook.”

The most gorgeous smile took over his face, all full lips and white teeth. “Finally, the appreciation I deserve.”

I swatted him away but found myself smiling despite myself. I needed to find a way to tell him, but it still seemed so daunting. Again that small part of me made itself known again. What if he doesn’t love you? You’ll look like a foul, it told me. I didn’t believe, at least I didn’t think I believed it? It was all still deeply confusing.

Before I didn’t want to tell him anything at all, terrified to tell him the truth but now I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted that steadying acceptance he always seemed to give, yet anytime something came to mind I was still afraid. 

I felt like there was a limit to his kindness. That if I continued to talk about it or have episodes or sobbing fits he’ll eventually grow tired of it. The depressing reality of my suffering will wear him down until he can no longer take it. And the thing is, I won’t even be mad. I get it. There’s only so much someone can take.

It seems as soon as he’s out of sight I spiral again. When he’s here with me I believe him, I trust what he tells me, but when I’m alone again the uncertainty falls back over me.

These two extremes I regrettably exist in unsettles me. There was a confidence I use to possess that I miss horribly. It seemed years ago now that I was sure of anything. It seemed I’d just be stuck in survival mode for my whole life.

I let myself get absorbed in the common routine of landing, at least I had confidence in this. I quickly clicked off the engines and lowered myself to the second level. Paz stood near our sleep mats on the floor as he finished his armor. 

An array of items were on the bench I use to sleep on, the jet pack and blaster cannon, a bag of food, his helmet, and the stuffed frog toy.

“You ready?” He asked but I felt stuck where I was. For some reason the sight of him there with gifts for my family almost destroyed me. I had teased him earlier about trying to pay our ridiculous debt to Cara with food but I knew his offer was so genuine.

Sure, Paz is an incredible cook and mandalorian food is amazing, but we would rarely ever get a chance to sit with your whole clan and enjoy a meal. That’s why when we eat it tends to be for hours on end. It’s not just food is a celebration of life.

“You okay?” Paz looked over to me.

Just like I had the first time, I approached him and pulled down his chest piece so I could kiss him. And just like the first time, he seemed a little shocked before letting his lips linger to mine for just a moment. Until eventually, I lowered myself off my toes to stand normally. “Yeah I’m good, you?”

He laughed slightly before pulling his helmet on. “Oh I’m fantastic, verd’ika.”

“You need me to carry something?” Looking at his sizable pile.

“No I got it,” He placed the frog carefully in the bag before flinging it over his shoulder which fell a little awkwardly after clashing with the large weapon on his back. I tried to suppress the laugh on my lips at the image. “See I got it.”

“Of course.”

I could somehow tell he rolled his eyes under his helmet before moving past me to open the ramp. I followed him into the familiar Nevarro streets as we once again made our way to the common house.

I couldn’t help but be a little strucken by how sweet he was. I could tell so easily that he valued the people in my life as his own and those doubts from earlier felt distant and abstract now.

As we neared the common house, I was once again filled with excitement. I knew it had been better for the child to be safe with Cara but leaving him still felt like leaving behind a limb. Not to mention the anxiety in me that he’d think I was abandoning him again. Leaving him only for those few hours had been the worst mistake of my life.

When we finally got to the door I didn’t hesitate before walking in. There were a few less customers as usual and I spotted the baby instantly.

“Buu!” He yelled before climbing down from his chair with way more ease than should have been possible. He waddled towards us as quickly as he could until I lifted him up to me.

“Su cuy’gar, ad’ika.” I greeted him as I always did. The light weight in my arms was a relief as I once again knew he was safe.

“Buu! Buu!” He continued to mumble as he grabbed at my face like usual. I always wondered if it was a habit from not seeing my face for such long periods of time when I first took him in. Maybe it was merely what he did.

I didn’t care to examine it as I carried him to where Cara and Greef were seated looking a little shocked at the speed the baby had been able to get to us. “Welcome back! Everything go smoothly?”

Paz laid the fobs on the table as I sat across from them, “Yes.”

I was glad he answered for me since the baby was currently trying to put his hand in my mouth. 

“You men made quick work of that,” Greef added as he laid a small bag on the table. “The two of you make quite the pair. You’ll always have your pick of the best when you need it. Excuse me as I get these unloaded.”

He grabbed the fobs and stood from the booth, I spoke out before he could leave, “Greef. Thank you.”

In a strangely paternal gesture, he rested a hand on my shoulder, “No need to thank me friend,” He patted my arm once before walking away.

Paz seemed a little tense at the interaction and as I looked over to him the baby seemed to finally fully notice him as he reached his impossibly tiny hands to him from where he was climbing on my chest. “Ppaa!”

“Elek, ad’ika, jate. It’s me,” Paz’s voice sounded strained as he lifted the baby to him. Just as he had to me, the child immediately started clawing at his helmet. “Look, I got you something.”

He placed the bag on the seat next to me before pulling the blue knit frog from the bag. There was a light in his large brown eyes as he excitedly grabbed it with a squeal. And then the very next thing he did was attempt to shove it in his mouth. Luckily it was as large as he was otherwise I wouldn’t have been surprised if he swallowed it whole.

I could only watch as Paz grabbed the toy only to nuzzle it close to the baby as he giggled trying to grab it before Paz pulled it back once again. There in the common house, this huge warrior was laughing along as he played with the baby in his arms with a four foot cannon strapped to his back. The crackle of his laugh through the modulator was almost too much for me to handle.

Eventually taking pity on the child, Paz let him cling the toy to his chest as he babbled incoherently at it. I found myself staring when suddenly Cara cleared her throat. I turned to her a little guilty but she just smirked back at me. 

“What’s all this about?” She asked motioning to the bag overflowing with the ingredients Paz brought.

“I’m cooking for you,” Paz answered.

She just cocked her eyebrow at me. “Well since you refuse to take any credits this seems like a decent way to start thanking you.”

“I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t slightly scared.” She answered with a smile.

“Don’t be. Tell her, Din,” Paz said as he nudged my shoulder, “He said I’m a very good cook.”

I rolled my eyes at him as I sighed. “Unfortunately he is.”

“Then by all means let’s head up to my place,” Cara said between a few snickers. I followed her up the small back staircase to the apartment. It was strange to watch as the rough patrons watched us walk out the common house, a few even waved at the baby. 

I was distracted as Cara leaned over to me, “You seem...happy, Din.”

The statement caught me off guard. Happiness seemed like something that came fleeting through me at random. It would come and go like a wind. And as much as I tried to take it for my own it always seemed to slip away from me.

But at this moment, she was right. It could pass by again at any time, that didn’t matter. Right now I was enjoying the breeze. “He seems to bring that out of me.”

The corner of her mouth raised, “Paz or the baby?”

“Both.”

“He seems good for you,” Cara said as she wrapped her arm around my neck pulling me awkwardly to her side. “But I’m definitely gonna need more details later.”

I was instantly dreading whatever details she wanted as the four of us settled into the small living area. Just to make it less difficult to move in the small space, Paz removed the jetpack and blaster and left them in the extra room he used last time. 

It was extremely domestic as he started unpacking in the kitchen with the child still in his arms. Every few minutes he’d hold up his new toy for Cara and I to give our approval.

“Do you want me to take him?” I asked as the baby settled into the crook of his elbow.

“He’s fine,” Paz answered despite the fact that he was clearly in the way. “Could you just help me with the gauntlet?”

I sighed. “Let me see.”

“The hinge needs replacing.” He held out the piece to me and I started working on the clasps of the bulky beskar. 

It was a little bizarre how easily the process felt. I had recently been ignoring the pieces of my armor I had recovered. I couldn’t even stand to look at them. But this small gesture felt so intimate and familiar. I used to do this often. I used to love removing each section of his armor with care as I slowly revealed more and more of him.

That little habit had been so deep in my memory that I doubted I thought of it for years, yet now I wished I could stand here and undo every piece. I had to remind myself I was standing in Cara’s flat as I finally got the clasp and carefully detached the fuel hose for the large flamethrower from his shoulder.

I grabbed the pieces before plucking the baby from his arms, raising my eyebrows at him as his visor looked somehow offended. “You’re the one who was talking up your cooking skills. So, cook.”

He huffed as I sat on the couch while Cara poured wine. I was starting to think she was stocking up on good alcohol just to give it to me. I wasn’t complaining that’s for sure. She was giving me a look I didn’t recognize as she handed me the floral scented wine.

“What?” I asked.

For a second her eyes lingered to Paz before focusing back to me, “Nothing. Just glad you’re safe.”

I could tell that wasn’t what she was going to say and I was going to question her before the baby once again held up the toy and screeched for Cara to notice. I laughed at his urgency, “Yes, ba’vodu saw your frog.”

“What does that mean?”

For a second I had to think of what she was asking before I realized what I said. “Oh,” I found I was just a little anxious to tell her. “It means aunt. Well and uncle. Mando’a has no gendered words.”

Cara stared back at me before leaning back and letting a smile take over her face. “I like it.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. It was relieving to know that she liked the idea of me considering her family. That I was not overstepping a boundary or just being overbearing. Recently I’ve had such a hard time understanding how people viewed me and it unsettled me that I couldn’t intrust my own thoughts. But knowing I was right about this felt… better. 

Paz stood out in the kitchen, all blue beskar and muscles against the modest backdrop. I wanted so much as I watched him cook. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to hold me like he had the past few nights. I wanted him.

But most of all I wanted a future. I ached to have a future with him. Just days again he said he wanted the same. I hadn’t quite believed him at the time. I did now.

Instead of wishing for a clan as I had my whole life, it finally became clear to me. I already had it. It was right here in front of me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CW Sexual content*
> 
> Su cuy'
> 
> Omg so I'm super nervous to post this chapter. This is my first ever time writing and I just hope y'all don't think its trash. Okay anyway enjoy and please comment letting me know what you think. Can't decide if I'm gonna do another smut chapter but if you want one let me know!
> 
> Enjoy!  
> Cork

Cara’s flat somehow seemed like a small bubble in my life. It really wasn’t much, sparsely furnished yet somehow also cluttered. I could easily see she hadn’t been living here long, most of the place was taken up by the generics of a living space but there were a few small items that were purely Cara.

A pot used for real coffee in the kitchen, some weights in the corner, the sorgan tapestry, and a painting of a beautifully lush landscape. The collected possessions were scattered throughout the apartment and I couldn’t help but wonder how her habits and interests led her to them. I also wondered what else might come to inhabit the space.

I didn’t recognize the wine we were drinking but it soothed my mind sweetly. The warm fog of drunkenness made it easy to forget the past for a few moments. I noticed I had started chasing this feeling, revolving in it whenever I could. It certainly wasn’t a healthy fixation but was it much worse than letting the sorrow overtake me?

“So what exactly am I able to eat because it smells like fire?”

Paz laughed as he was finishing up, “Tiingilar. Mandalorian dish.”

“That doesn’t clear much up.”

“Well you’ll see for yourself in a moment. But yes it is spicy.”

I found myself losing focus on their conversation. I didn’t mind it, instead I let myself fall into the background of the scene. Whatever this wine was it was strong. Or maybe I just hadn’t eaten all day. Probably both. I felt amazing though, everything was smooth and calm in my thoughts.

“Hey, Din?” I realized Cara was talking to me.

“Huh?”

She laughed, “You want more?”

“Oh. Yeah sorry.”

“How about you?” She asked as Paz walked over to the little seating area with the food. “You cooked at least take my wine.”

He placed the food and some plates down, “This is thanks if you don’t remember. But also yes.”

I took another sip of the sweet wine as Cara poured one for Paz. The weight of him next to me was comforting. As I served Cara, I distantly recognized the faint hydraulic hiss. I only realized what it was from when I handed the food to Cara only for her to be staring at the ground.

“Paz?!” His helmet sat next to him as he ran a hand through his hair to shake it out lightly. “What are you doing?”

His dark eyes just gazed at me totally unbothered. “Kaysh gar aliit, elek?”

“Elek,” I answered not sure why he was asking.

“Jate. Gar aliit, ner aliit. Kaysh aliit.” He answered matter of fact and the buzz made the tears stinging in my eyes spill just before I could catch it happening. Once again his gentleness caught me completely off guard. Paz always had a way of making a monumental gesture seem like the most natural thing ever. I grabbed his hand and clung to it. “You can look Cara. I would not remove my helmet in your home if I was not okay with you seeing me.”

Tentatively she raised her eyes but only glanced at his face before redirecting herself to the food. “I just…. I thought you couldn’t ever put it back on if you remove it.”

“Yeah that’s true, but there’s exceptions to the rule.” Paz answered patiently as he took a sip of the wine. I couldn’t focus on anything except the warm of his hand in mine. The beautiful line of his jaw.

“Yet you still wouldn’t let me remove it when you were dying,” Cara added a little cheekily.

Paz just gave me a questioning look. That fight outside the common house felt like centuries ago and I only now realized I had never mentioned it to him.

“Got hit in a bad explosion,” I answered absentmindedly. I still couldn't take my eyes off him. How could someone so gorgeous be looking at me like that? “Cara tried to remove my helmet to check the wound. I wanted a warrior's death. Anyway, a droid gave me a bacta spray, so.”

One of those amazing smiles split his hard features, “A droid?”

I rolled my eyes but nodded.

“Wait. So would that not be an exception?” Cara asked. I had forgotten how we had even gotten onto this conversation.

Paz’s eyes lingered over me for a second before turning his direction to her. “No it wouldn’t be, there’s really only one exception and that’s family. When you’re with your family you can remove it, otherwise it would just be impractical.”

Somehow he had done it again. Everything he said was always so direct, he was explaining and yet also procalming. Paz was saying right to her that she was family and yet instantly started eating.

A silence fell over us for a moment as the revelation lied in wait. Idly I feed some food to the excited baby in my lap with my free hand. Cara looked over to me, eyebrow furrowed. “Oh.”

Paz let out a small chuckle as she finally caught up. “Eat before it gets cold, vod, you too verd’ika.”

Vod. Sister. Sibling. Family.

Paz was my family and my family was his family. I loved him. Fuck I loved him so much. I felt his hand start to slip from my grasp so I could eat easily but I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t stand it another minute.

With the alcohol still humming through my body, I pulled his arm down to crash his lips to mine. For a moment I didn’t care that Cara was sitting across from us, I just needed to kiss him. I was glad when he met me with just as much enthusiasm and it set my body alight. I could taste the extremes of the spice from the food and the soft floral of the wine on his lips.

There was something else as well. Something distinctively Paz. And I wanted more of it.

“Buu!” He yelled out and I regrettably pulled away to see the child struggling in my hold to get to the food on the table.

“How dare you stop feeding him,” Paz joked as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to his side.

“N’eparavu takisit, ad’ika.” I added as I once again started feeding him. He cooed happily, looking somehow smug that he got my attention back. Only then did I look up to see Cara clearly uncomfortable, “Shit, sorry.”

She laughed a little, “You two are really cute and all, but please don’t make out on my couch again.”

I felt the blood rush to my face, “Won’t happen again.”

Paz just laughed at my embarrassment as the conversation fell back into our normal. Wine continued to flow as the three of us talked and laughed and the baby waddled to each of us always dragging his frog with him. 

As the warmth of the buzz grew in me I found myself melting more and more into Paz’s side. He was running his hand softly up and down my side as Cara told a story of a fight she had broken up last week. Paz’s laugh rumbling against me as Cara described a man pulling his opponent across the length of the bar top. 

The baby had recently made himself comfortable leaning against Cara. The new toy was held tightly in his arms as his eyes drifted heavily around the room. I guess he finally tuckered himself out.

_ I’m so happy he’s safe _ , I thought to myself.

Seeing his excitement at the new toy sent a tightness through my chest. And knowing Paz was the one that had brought such happiness to my son was simply too much for me to think of in my drunken state. Honestly I don’t think I could handle the inferno of affection in me even if I was sober.

Somehow though this drunkenness felt so much different than the others. For once I was drinking peacefully with family simply to enjoy each others company rather than drinking alone to chase off the thoughts that haunted my mind.

I liked it. The calmness the wine seemed to bring me. There was a clarity I felt that I doubted I could have without my mind numbed and my self doubt muted. I didn’t care, I intended to enjoy it while I could. At the moment I was content and that’s all that matters.

My head rested on Paz’s pauldron and I desperately wished he wasn't in armor. Or clothing at all, in fact.

“You wanna go to bed, cyar’ika?” Paz asked. It had gotten dark and the baby was now asleep in the crib just inside Cara’s room. She must have moved it after we left.

I nodded, not realizing how tired I had gotten. Paz helped me stand,keeping his hand resting on my back.

“Don’t worry about the baby,” Cara added as she stood herself giving me a knowing look. “Just get some rest. Oh and thanks for the food Paz.”

“Of course” He answered as we moved into the small guest room. The only thing in the room was the bed, what looked like a slightly worn down handmade quilt covered it. I sat to take off my boots and watched as Paz started undoing his armor.

“Wait,” I found myself saying before I realized why and he turned to me with a look of concern.

“I’m sorry. I can sleep out there.” He started grabbing his things.

“No. No,” I found myself blushing, “Can I help? With your armor I mean.”

Faintly I could see his adam’s apple move as he swallowed. I wasn’t sure why I had the sudden urge but I miserably missed the way the armor clasp felt in my hands , the cold beskar on my hands. 

It used to be a routine for us. After days of battle he used to undo my armor cleaning each piece as he went and I’d do the same. It always relaxed me feeling his strong hands take care of me. A reminder that despite the danger in him there was also gentleness.

He nodded, “Yeah.”

His voice sounded strained and I quickly crossed the room. My hands were steady as I undid the one wrist bracer he still wore, the fixture yielded easily under my practiced movements. I set it carefully to the side moving up his arm to the pauldron.

I could feel Paz’s eyes on me as I worked it off as well. I moved in front of his chest to the other arm and he rested his hand on my lower back pulling me almost flush against his chest. I smiled up at him as my hands worked without looking. I knew his armor as well as my own. He looked at me with something serious in his eyes. There was a hunger in his stare that would have terrified me if it had come from anyone else.

The cool metal was a harsh comparison to my heated skin as I placed it with the rest. My blood seemed to surge through me at the intimacy and I wanted more of it.

My hands worked the straps of his chest and back piece until it came loose and I set the heavy beskar to the side. Before continuing, I massaged the hard muscle of his shoulders. I loved the way he moved into the touch, his eyes closing slowly as he hummed.

“Din…” my name was soft and sweet on his breath and I needed to feel his lips on mine, I needed something. I stretched on my toes and Paz didn’t hesitate to lean down to kiss me. There was a passion there, a fire I wanted to live in. I chased it for a minute enjoying how he still tasted of wine. How steadying his spread hands were on my back were.

Finally, falling back onto my feet, I ran my hands down the undershirt on his chest until I reached the bulky utility belt at his waist. My daft fingers worked on the buckle as Paz’s large hands moved over my back. I worked my arms around his back to drop the belt and fabric attached to it behind him.

I chose not to think too hard about it as I removed the codpiece carefully, he moaned lightly and the sound went straight to my already hard cock. Fuck I wanted him so bad, just like before, just like when we were young.

With everything but his leg armor off, I moved him gently so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. I dropped to my knees in between his legs as I started on the large thigh armor. With the first one off I let my hands linger on the thick muscles of his thigh before switching to the second.

This routine was so well worn in my mind I was basically using muscle memory. All I could think about was how amazing Paz was, how much I appreciated all he did for me and the child. I wanted to show him.

I needed to show him not only how much I was thankful for him but how safe he made me. How his touch didn’t scare me. I wanted him to know just how comfortable I felt with him. How much I loved him.

His hand ran tenderly through my hair, “Haar’chak, gar bid mesh’la Din.”

I felt myself blush as I quickly undid his shins, losing patience and slipped off his boots. I was aching for him and I ran my hands up his strong legs, how was all of him pure muscle? It seemed like power and strength radiated from him. I wanted to soak some of it up for myself.

Finishing their exploration my hands rest on the inside of his thighs, framing the outline of his erection through the thick undersuit. I didn’t hesitate, I knew what I wanted to do and my mouth was already watering at the thought as I leaned forward running my tongue up his length through the fabric.

He threw his head back and groaned deeply, the noise only encouraged me as I palmed him running my hand up and down the large bulge. My own cock twitched with interest as I began working on his zipper. “Wait, fuck, Din wait.”

For a second the sharp pain of doubt spread through me, “You don’t want me too.”

Paz tried to catch his breath as he looked down at me, “I want you Din, I want you so bad, but let me take care of you this time.” He helped me stand so I was still framed by his thighs. His warm hands sent more sparks through me as they slipped under my shirt. “Can I take this off, verd’ika?”

I nodded furiously as my hands rested on his broad shoulders.

He didn’t move though, “Tell me with your words, cyar’ika.”

“Yes, yes, please. I want it all off,” My skin felt far too hot now and I wanted to feel his calloused hands all over me.

He chuckled slightly as he pulled the shirt over my head before leaning up to kiss me, unlike early, now we were frantic. All tongue and teeth as we tried to capture as much of each other as we could. His hands moved over my bare sides to rest on my hips and I shuddered slightly. 

My heart beat with anticipation as I realized for once there was nothing to interrupt us. We could do as much as we wanted and the idea excited me even more. Paz wanted to take care of me and I wanted him to. 

Gently but firmly he moved me to straddle his thick thighs once again and began sucking onto my neck. My hips moved forward looking for any kind of friction, instead Paz just continued on my neck moving down onto my chest and I wondered idly if there’d be marks tomorrow. I clenched my arms around his neck seeming like I could only hold on as he elicited the small noises from me.

Suddenly he captured my nipple in his mouth, sucking and biting lightly, it pulled a small cry from me, “P-Paz-”

“Is it too much, verd’ika, we can stop,” He pulled back, placing his hands softly on my shoulders. I knew what he was doing, he was checking in again making sure I was still comfortable and safe. I was.

“Paz,” I suddenly couldn’t wait a second longer. I held his face in my hands. “Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum.”   
  


He used his hand to pull my forehead to rest against his, I could feel as he breathed in the small space between us. “Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum, Din.”

I found myself holding to his face even tighter as he shifted slightly to kiss me soft and strong. I recognized it now, that extra something I could feel when his lips were pressed to mine, it was love. He fucking loved me. I laughed against his lips, overwhelmed by my own joy.

I had been so afraid he didn’t love me, that I was simply clinging on to the only kindness I had been given in months. I still found myself smiling as I looked down at him from his lap, “I can’t believe you actually love me, I thought I was crazy.”

Paz held my waist softly and he looked me in the eye, “Let me show you much I love you, let me make you feel good cyare. Do you want that?”

His voice was deep and rasp and a new jolt of arousal rushed through me at his words, “Uhn yes, please.”

Paz’s large hands held me firmly as he turned and laid me on the bed softly before stripping off the two shirts of his undersuit leaving his chest bare. He just seemed to be an expanse of beautiful dark skin and shifting muscle. I reached out to run my hand to feel the soft dusting of hair on his chest. His skin was fire, so warm under my hand and I wanted more of it.

“Is there anything you don’t want me to do, Din?” He asked as I still ran my hand over his chest. I thought about it a moment even though I already knew the answer. I was just trying to find a way to word it. “There’s no need to be embarrassed. I want to make sure I know your boundaries, so we’re both safe.”

I decided I’d just say it, “Just no penetration.” I answered embarrassed despite his reassurance.

“Okay,” I relaxed when he showed no reaction to my request, “Anything else?”

This time I thought for real going through the different things I could imagine Paz doing to me. None of them frightened me, “No just that.”

“Good,” Finally he reached out and ran his hand down my chest. “Tell me if you need to stop or slow down, verd’ika.”

“I will,” I answered already breathless as he began kissing at my neck again. I loved it so much, feeling his tongue and teeth on me, that spark that ran through my veins just to well deep in my abdomen.

With each touch I was reminded just how familiar his touch was, how often this was the only thing grounding us during months at war. Paz knew my body in a way no one else ever would, each movement and kiss was a practiced effort to pull a reaction from me. 

And it was certainly working as I squirmed slightly under his touch. I could feel the rumble of his voice as he moaned into the sensitive skin of my clavicle. My skin seemed to sear as he pinched lightly at one of my nipples before covering the other in his mouth as he had before. I felt the moan move through my whole body at the stimulation.

Paz leaned back and I could feel him looking over me, “You have the most beautiful skin, verd’ika, you look like you’re bathed in pure golden sunlight. Mesh’la, bid mesh’la.”

“Paz,” I gasped out under his compliments. My hard cock was straining against the confines of the thin pants and I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Please, Paz.”

“Tell me cyar’ika, tell me what you want.”

I moved my hips closer seeking out the friction of his thigh as he was draped over me, “More… I just need.. More, please.”

His stupidly large hand moved from my chest down to just over my pantline, “Anything for you, Din.”

I let out a shaky breath just at his words before he wrapped his hand around my clothed dick, “Ah, Paz…”

I trailed off under the pleasure of finally getting some friction to rut against as his hand moved over me. “Does it feel good, baby?”

I nodded despite the flush that was overtaking my cheeks and ears, “Yes-”

“You want more, verd’ika?”

“Yea- yeah.” I did. I wanted it so badly and I struggled to catch my breath as he undid my pants and pulled my shorts down enough for my cock to spring free.The cold air sent a shiver through my spine but it was nothing compared to the sensation of his solid hand wrapping around my length. I groaned loudly at the skin to skin contact.

“It’s not too much is it?” He asked, not moving for the moment just holding me like that.

“No, it’s good...please more Paz.”

Paz grunted low in response before pumping slowly down my shaft. Already I felt like my mind was shorting out as his now slick hands continued to work me at a steady pace. Randomly swiping his thumb over the slit before focusing generously on my tip. It was just how I liked it and I knew he still remembered after so many years.

“I want you to feel so good, Din. I want to make you feel amazing, you deserve it.” His voice was low and gravel in my ear. “Do you know how much I missed seeing you come apart like this? How often I’d think of you with my own hand down my fucking pants?”

I sighed lightly, “Paz- ah...fuck I missed you too… used to think of you…” I trailed off as he increased his pace.

“Tell me, verd’ika, what would you think of? What would you imagine me doing to you?” 

I moaned, too far gone to even be embarrassed, too enveloped in the pleasure quickly overtaking me. “Uh- you on your knees… your mouth on me.”

Paz’s breath hitched as he inhaled sharply through his teeth, idly I saw him palm himself through his pants and it was so fucking hot. “Do you want that, Din? Do you want me to suck you off?”

Everything in my body screamed yes, Yes! But I hesitated, “What about you? I won’t last long,” I managed to get out without panting too much.

“Don’t worry about me , cyare, what do you want?”

My mind was clouded by the fog of arousal, by the hand on me, by those brown eyes. “Yes… I want that.”

Paz’s smile shined so bright before standing and pulling me to sit on the edge of the bed, working my pants the rest of the way off so he could kneel between my legs. “You tell me if you need to stop.”

I sighed, “Are you gonna stop fussing over me?”

“Nope,” he answered as he bit softly to the sensitive skin of my inner thigh. Even on his knees he still had to bend to reach my leg where he was kissing and biting moving higher and higher. My cock was leaking obscenely as he ignored it for his build up.

“Paz...pleas-” My own moan cut me off as he suddenly took me fully in his mouth, the soft heat of it overpowering as he bobbed his head. It had been so long since I had this and I knew I wasn’t going to last long as I grabbed at Paz’s hair.

I pulled lightly on his hair and the vibration of his moan around my cock pushed me even closer to the edge. He pulled back for a moment running his tongue up the underside and sucking on the tip as he worked the shaft. Just a moment later he took me fully again and I felt the back of his throat.

“Paz… uh I’m so close,” I said as a warning but he merely hummed again and took me even further. I tried not to push further into his warm mouth but my hips moved involuntarily. “Sorry...”

Paz grabbed my hands and placed them to the side of his head as he grabbed my hips pulling me further into him. I got the message and held him as I thrust gently but greedily into him. His eyes shifted up to me and the tears glistened on his face, drool dripping from his chin was intoxicating.

I moved the hair from his face gently, he looked absolutely profane and it couldn’t look away, “Paz...uh.. Mesh’la cyar’ika.” I was there, I was on the edge and I couldn’t control anything let alone my words. “I’m gonna cum… uh Paz...i love you so much.. You’re so good to me riduur..uh.. Paz!”

My vision went white as he worked me through the orgasm I felt him shudder and moan as I came deep in his throat. This pleasure was so extreme from everything in my current existence it seemed to rock me more than ever. Paz still sucked and kissed at me until the over stimulation became too much.

I leaned back on my hands to watch as he stood, “I can take care of you too.”

Paz wiped his face on his arm a sinful mix of spit and tears and cum before looking at me a little sheepishly, “Um already taken care of.” I cocked my head at him confused until I noticed the large wet spot on the front of his pants. Despite just cumming my cock twitched at the thought of Paz cumming in his pants as he sucked me off most likely still palming himself like before.

I breathed out heavily, “Osik.”

He laughed a little before leaning down to kiss me, “I’m gonna clean up I’ll be right back.”

I leaned back on the bed, blissed out and exhausted. I felt like I could fall asleep right then and there but knew I’d rather wait for Paz to return. I smiled a little and remembered how sweet he’d been, how he felt the same way about me as I did about him. There was a new weight lifted from my shoulders knowing this wasn’t some pathetic confused crush. No, this was a man who loved me and would do anything to make sure I’m safe and happy. 

Even just weeks ago there would have been no way I could have done this and despite it seeming small, it felt like a victory. After only about a week at the house, I was convinced I’d never be able to have sex again just from the fear. But I hadn’t been afraid tonight and it seemed like there was a possibility of a normal life again.

I looked up as I heard the door open and watched as Paz moved to sit next to me. He handed me a warm washcloth, “You should probably clean up too, verd’ika.”

“Thanks,” I winced at the overstimulation as I wiped myself off.

“Here,” He said, handing me back my shorts.

I pulled them on and climbed under the old quilt, I took Paz’s hand and pulled him in after me. He chuckled as I curled up around his warm body. Resting my head on his solid chest I could already feel sleep creeping up on me. “Next time, I’ll return the favor,” I mumbled out.

“I look forward to it, cyare,” He kissed the top of my head. “Jate ca, Din, ni kar’tayl gar darasuum.”

I was nearly asleep, “Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum.”

Just before I drifted to sleep, I remembered what I called him right as I came.

Riduur. Husband. Partner. Family.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW heavily implied sexual assault**
> 
> Su cuy'
> 
> Omg we're over 50k how did that happen? Okay so I'm really excited for this chapter, it's been one I had planned from the beginning and I really hope you like it. As someone who used to suffer from serious nightmares, I can say this is very close to my own experiences. I orginally started writing as a way to work through my nightmares which is why I think I'm so good at angst lol. Anyway may be a chapter tomorrow since I'm off work. If not update will be mon. 
> 
> Lot of action in next weeks chapters!!  
> Cork 
> 
> P.S. thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter it means a lot to me to hear your opinions since I'm so inexperienced in smut. I love you all!!
> 
> P.P.S. LISTEN TO 'NOT' BY BIG THIEF WHILE READING

My eyes strained as I tried to see anything in my dark surroundings. Where was I? I spun on my heels slowly looking for anything I could identify. But all I found were more generic buildings. It was a city but I couldn’t tell which one. How did I get here? There was a door to my left. I reached out my gloved hand ready to go through until I heard the piercing cry.

The terror froze me in place before I took off sprinting in the direction, “Ad’ika! Ad’ika!”

Still the cry echoed in my ears and through the alleys. The sound surrounded me, choked me with fear. My feet wouldn’t move fast enough. I couldn’t tell where he was. I couldn’t figure out how to get to him. I had only ever heard him cry like that once. I needed to find him, he was hurt.

“Ner ad, I’m coming!” I yelled out hoping to somehow soothe him as I sluggishly ran through the maze of buildings. Something was weighing me down. It was crushing me. My lungs struggled to take in breath but I refused to slow down.

Another cry, almost a scream, led me down and around a corner only to find a blank wall. Desperately I ran my hands over it, he had to be behind it, I knew he was. I had to get to him. I slammed my palms to the duracrete. “Ad’ika! Ad’ika!”

“Din?!” I turned to find myself surrounded by blank walls on all sides. I was caged in, How was I caged in? “Din!”

My hands slammed against a different wall from the child’s, “Paz! Paz! The baby I can’t get to him!” I was frantic clawing at the wall. Screaming to make sure he heard me. Trying to get to him. It’d be easier if we were together. He wanted to take care of us.

“I’ll find him! I’ll find you! I’ll keep you safe.”

I relaxed slightly but the crying didn’t stop and I was still trapped. I held my hands to the wall, “K’uur, K’uur ad’ika. Ner olar.”

Nothing changed. I was starting to be convinced he couldn’t hear me. I turned to find a door had appeared on the back wall. I ran through it, hoping anything on the other side was better than this. 

Instead I found myself on streets I did recognize, Ord Mantell. It didn’t matter if I could just get to the child. I darted down the streets. I recognized the weight on my chest and dropped them from me. A trail of beskar leading right to me.

I felt lighter. My lungs could move again as my hands worked quickly on the familiar clasps. There was only one path and I followed it as quickly as I could. My lungs burned and my stomach ached. None of it mattered.

After what had to have been hours, I came to a door and opened it to find an empty ship bay. Well mostly empty. Two bodies laid at the side of the door, rotting and fly ridden. In the center was a chair. A person. A corpse.

Blood dripped down his chin and I couldn’t look away. Even more ran down his body from the gash in his neck. It seeped slowly and pooled at his feet. My legs worked on their own accord to carry me to him. His eyes lifeless but a smile on his face. A twin grin spread across his neck.

“How long do you plan on running?” It taunted. Voice scratched through his damaged throat. More gore spilled and I couldn’t tell if his mouth or wound had spoken. Maybe both. “You know this is your nature. Your way.”

The crying rang out even louder as the violence of the scene became too much to look at. Blood flowed up and crested over my boots like a wave. I had to get away. I had to find the child.

A doorway covered with a curtain caught my eye at the back of the bay. Once again I took off in a sprint for it. The dirt ground made a horrible sucking noise against my blood soaked boots.

“You can’t even save yourself. How are you going to save them?” the animated corpse called at my back as I breached the curtain only to stop in my tracks.

His back was facing me but I’d know him anywhere. Cigarette smoked curled around his silhouetted figure. The room is bare except a single bed with a worn quilt.

Cartic.

My legs buckled and I almost fell to the floor, crumpled in a pile. But I kept my balance as I turned to go back but there was only a wall where there had once been a doorway. I felt over the smooth surface hoping somehow it’d reappear. His laugh mixed with my son’s crying sent my nerves on fire. I had to help him. 

“You should know by now you can’t stay away from me.”

My back was against the wall as I searched for a weapon, for an escape, for a future. He was walking towards me.

“We both know fighting won’t get you anywhere.”

I had to do something. I had to get to the baby. I had to get to Paz. 

Paz.

“Paz! Paz!” I screamed as loud as I could but there was no response.

Cartic just tsked at me as he grabbed my jaw roughly. “Silly boy, he’s not coming for you. Why would he?”

I ignored him and continued to scream my throat raw. “Paz! Paz, Please!”

“Haven’t you realized yet? I’m the best you’re ever going to get. I’m all that's left for you.” Everything went silent. No cries. No… anything.

I felt my heart hammer through every vein wall as the realization at what was happening hit me. With barely any effort he spun me around, pinning my chest to the wall with his forearm to my shoulder blades. 

His hands were on me. His body pressed flush to my back.

After that all I was aware of was pain, my face smashed against the stone I continued to scream, “Paz! Paz help! PAZ!” It ripped my throat as I continued to yell as loud as I could.

“Din. Din I’m right here.” 

“What’s happening?” 

I felt hands on me and chose to fight. I had to get to the child. He stopped crying, why had he stopped crying? I threw my elbow back as hard as I could. I barely recognized a grunt from where I made contact. It was dark. I couldn’t see anything. I tried to breathe but I couldn’t catch my breath.

“Shit, I’ll get a towel.” 

“Get water and open windows,” I felt restricted, I tried to get free of whatever was holding me. “Din you’re having an episode.”

My lungs seemed to finally be catching up. 

“Verd’ika, bic ner, Paz. Gar morut’yc.”

I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Where was I?

“Can you take a deep breath with me,” His voice was calming and I found myself following his lead. “Jate. Do you smell that?”

I did. I smelt something, but I didn’t know what it was. I nodded anyway. 

“It’s the sulfur from the lava fields. Remember, Din? We’re on Nevarro. We’re in Cara’s flat. You just had a nightmare. It wasn’t real, cyar’ika.”

My eyes adjusted to the dark room, it must be the middle of the night. The colorful quilt was bundled at the bottom of the mattress. Paz kneeled by the side of the bed where I was sitting straight up. “It was a nightmare.”

He smiled but there were tears glistening in his eyes, “Yes Din, just a nightmare.”

I launched forward needing to feel the solidary of him. I crashed into him wrapping my arms around his neck, “It was so vivid, Paz.”

As he always did, he wrapped those thick arms around me. I rested my head against his chest as he pulled me to him. The two of us on the floor of the room. His hand enclosed the back of my head, “I know it was verd’ika, but I have you now. You’re safe now.”

“Is the baby okay?”

“He’s sleeping safely in Cara’s room. Do you wanna see him?”

I nodded, I trusted Paz but I needed to see with my own eyes. He pulled my hand to his lips leaving a kiss on my knuckles as we stood. But as he pulled back I noticed blood on my hand, my heart raced a moment, “You’re bleeding.”

“No need to worry, just a nosebleed,” He explained. Cara stood in the doorway and I wondered how long she had been there. She walked to us and handed me a glass of water and Paz a towel which he held to his nose. I blushed knowing she saw me like that. “Were gonna check on the baby real quick.”

She nodded as she moved awkwardly into her own living room. I instantly relaxed as we entered her room. Just as Paz had said, my son laid in his crib holding a leg of the toy in his small claw. I rested my hand lightly on his chest to feel the rise and fall as he breathed. I wanted to hold him to me but I wanted him to rest more.

I found myself leaning back against Paz’s solid chest as I watched the child, he wrapped his arm to rest on my waist, “Do you want to talk about it or go back to sleep?”

Somehow I was wide awake and yet exhausted, but most of all I wanted to tell Paz. Not because I thought he deserved to know, even though he did, but because telling him would calm me. Maybe in his arms I could sleep again. “I do want to talk about it, cyare.”

Paz leaned against me, it was comforting but the fear in the dream was still lingering slightly. “Of course. Just tell me when you’re ready, Din.”

Once again the fact that he knew me so well was overwhelming. He knew I may not be ready to leave the baby’s side yet. He did not rush me or question my need to just witness the child safe and content. Paz would wait all night as I just watched him sleep if that’s what it took.

That may have been the case if we had not displaced Cara in her own house. I ran my hand over his ear, “I’m ready.”

There was a guilt building in me as the fear had almost worn off. I had disrupted everyone. Cara sat in the living room awkwardly and as more was coming back to me I was pretty sure I was the reason for Paz’s bloody nose.

“Are you feeling okay?” She asked standing as she saw us. 

“Just embarrassed.”

“Don’t be.” She patted my shoulder, “We’re all soldiers. We all know shell shock.”

“Thank you,” She had a way of making grand gestures seem small as well. It seemed strange but her acknowledgement of me as a warrior was enough. Her recognition of my trauma as that of war was huge to me.

She walked back into the room as Paz and I went to the guest room. It was deafeningly silent compared to the earlier commotion. The chaos of the room surprised me as we entered.

A pile of blue armor in the corner. A few closer to the bed. Clothes on the ground abandoned. The bed disheveled. The quilt half thrown to the ground.

Paz still held the towel to his face, it was half red by this point. “I struck you, didn’t I?”

He looked shyly at me. “Drink your water.”

“Answer me.”

Paz sighed. “It wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have touched you.”

Now his voice was clear in those few moments stuck between dream and reality but at the time I couldn’t recognize it. His usually relaxing touch had been seen as a threat. “I… I thought it was him.”

“Cartic?” He asked as he adjusted the pillows and quilt. I felt guilty that he had to know his name. Embarrassed that he knew exactly who I was talking about.

“Yes,” I answered softly. 

“We can talk about it if you want to.” 

I climbed back into the bed not caring Paz was still fussing over the heavy quilt. He rolled his eyes at me but came and laid next to me. Once again we just sat there. I let my head rest on his chest as I’d quickly gotten used to again.

I knew he wouldn’t press me. It was strange the things I knew I could trust him with. How each day it seemed something else could be added to that list. His moving chest comforted me.

“I was trapped. The baby was crying this horrible pained sound and I kept trying to get to him but couldn’t. Every turn there was a wall. You were there, well I heard you at least.”

“And what happened verd’ika.” I liked the pet name. I liked the way it sounded in his timbre voice.

“I just kept running but I wasn’t fast enough. At some point I ended up in the ship bay on Ord Mantell. The merc. He was there, dead but talking to me,” I found myself sickened by the image of the nightmare. “The wound… it spoke in time with his mouth. I ran and I ran right into a trap. Cartic was there.”

Paz pulled me further onto his chest, “You don’t have to say anymore if you don’t want to.”

I wasn’t sure if I did. Not because I was embarrassed but because I didn’t want him to know why I was calling his name as I awoke from the nightmare. I thought it might break his heart. 

But I wanted to. I wanted to work through the terror with him. 

“He said awful things. I screamed for you hoping you were near. He… he said you weren’t coming. That no one would want me but him…” Paz stiffened but kissed my hair regardless. His breathing was less steady than it had been. “... I didn’t believe him though. I just kept screaming for you…. He pushed me to the wall… he… he.” 

“Din, cyar’ika, I’m so sorry,” His voice shook near my ear and I felt tears in my eyes. But I had to finish. I had to.

“It was so painful and I just want you and…. And I didn’t realize when I woke up that it was your hands on me and not his and I’m so sorry I hurt you, Paz.”

I could feel his adam's apple bob from where I was nuzzled into his neck. “Don’t apologize. I was scared when you were calling my name but I should have known better. It was my mistake and I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine-”

“It’s not. I’ll do better I promise. And Din?”

“Hmm?”

He sat up to look me in the eye, “What he said to you is a lie. I want you. I love you and nothing is ever going to change that. I’ve loved you since I was 19, that’s not changing now.”

I ran a hand over his cheek. There were tear trails there. I didn’t know why he loved me but I knew he did. What had I done to get this lucky?

“Paz?”

His large hand covered mine over his cheek, “Yes, cyar’ika?”

My eyes wandered over the beauty of his face. It didn’t seem fair that the entire galaxy didn’t get to witness this. His skin, warm and soft. His plush lips with their reassuring words. His deep eyes that lit when teasing me also cried with me. 

I loved him.

“Paz,” I leaned up to place a soft kiss to those lips. “I’m going to kill him.”

He smiled. “I know you are, verd’ika.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> I am so sorry I'm late on this update!!! I hopefully will still have an update tomorrow, I closed at my job the last few days and I really struggle to write in the mornings. Anyway, this is a fun little chapter as we set up for the upcoming armor finding chapters. 
> 
> Let me know how you feel about the memory at the beginning, there will be more of them in upcoming chapters!
> 
> Thanks  
> Cork

_ Twenty-one years ago. _

_ The bag of my few belongings was finally packed. A few pairs of underclothes. Toiletries. A letter from my brother, Tylo, and his wife wishing me luck. We had said our bittersweet goodbyes earlier this morning. Something was still missing but I knew I had packed up everything. _

_ Maybe all I felt was the lack of my buir where she should have been. She should have been here to send me off to war. I liked to imagine she’d be proud of me.  _

_ I took one deep breath before grabbing the bag from what used to be my bunk in the training barracks. A year after swearing the creed I was finally fully trained, heading into my career as a soldier. It’s what I always wanted but I couldn’t shake the idea that I was missing something.  _

_ The row of empty bunks were my send off party as the rest of the trainees were hard at work. The room was abandoned. Five down and across the aisle, I lingered at his bunk. It was neatly made as always. For some reason I had hoped he’d come to see me off. _

_ Din had been my best friend since we were kids but something had changed. I’d long had a crush on him but now it seemed he might feel the same. I guess I was wrong and the friendly goodbye I got last night would have to hold me over until I returned.  _

_ I’d miss him. _

_ I’d still be on mission when he swore the creed in a few months. I had been furious when I found out, Din had just laughed telling me I’d seen plenty before. But I hadn’t seen yours. _

_ I needed to leave. I was going to be late. _

_ With one last look I turned and walked to the ship bay where I’m sure the shuttle was already waiting. I found I was correct as the ship sat fueling up. A few others from my class stood to the side waiting. They called me, “Vizsla!” _

_ “I’m surprised you’re still alive after how drunk you were last night,” I joked as he clapped his hand to my pauldron. _

_ “Couldn’t leave without some proper fun, huh?” _

_ The two of them talked back and forth about the rowdy night they had at the send off party yesterday. I had spent my night mostly sober with Din, chatting and joking as we always did. _

_ “What about you? Do anything fun last night?” Viv asked with a suggestive tone. _

_ “No, nothing.” _

_ “Oh come on,” I tilted my head, not sure what she meant. “We all saw you sneak off with the beroya’s boy. So tell us. Did that finally happen?” _

_ “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The two of them laughed and I felt the blush under my helmet. I had thought my crush had been discert. _

_ Taka was finally catching his breath, “The tension between the two of you is ridiculous. When the two of you spar is borderline pornagraphic.” _

_ I felt myself blush even deeper, “We're just friends.” _

_ “Sure you are,” He added. _

_ I desperately wanted this conversation to end. _

_ Viv motioned with her helmet to the door, “Speak of the devil.” _

_ I looked where she motioned and there he was. Din stood in the door awkwardly, or at least I could tell he was unsure, I’m sure to anyone else he’d look just as confident as ever. The pure beskar helmet shined and he just recently seemed to fill in the deep red chest plate. He had lost his boyish frame with his growth spurt. I wondered if he still had more to grow, he was still over six inches shorter than I was. _

_ “Paz!” _

_ I swallowed around my nervousness as I walked towards him. Why had he come? “Din?” _

_ His chest rose and fell. “I couldn’t let you leave without saying good bye.” _

_ I smiled under my helmet, “You said goodbye last night.” _

_ “Not how I wanted to.” His voice was low and rasped. _

_ My heart rabbited in my chest. “And how did you want to?” _

_ I watched as Din looked around for a moment. Next thing I knew he had his hand on the back of my neck just under my helmet, I could feel the warmth of his gloved hand on my scalp. I could only follow as he led my helmet to rest to his. My own hand found its way to hold his head to mine. _

_ “Like this,” His voice barely a whisper only I could hear. _

_ My chest ached. How could I leave now? “Din-” _

_ He lowered himself back from his tiptoes, the image was adorable, as he looked into my visor. “I brought this for you.” _

_ Din opened my hand to place the small blade in my palm. It was a simple knife, carved with care but clearly not the practiced hand of the armorer. “Did you make this?” _

_ His eyes flickered down a moment. “Yes.” _

_ “Vor entye, Din. I bring it with me each day.” _

_ “I hope you don’t have to get desperate enough to use it.” _

_ “I’ll miss you.” _

_ His hands rest on my chest plate. “K’oyacyi, ner kar’ta.” _

_ I held his hands in my one free one. “I will, Din’ika, I promise.” _

_ “Vizsla! We have to go!” _

_ How I wish I could ignore them. Instead I pulled Din’s trim frame into my chest, his head rested on my shoulder. “Ret’uryce mhi.” _

_ He pulled away slightly to rest my helmet to his again, “Ret’uryce mhi.” _

_ I let myself absorb the moment of having him flush against me, his helmet pressed to mine. “I’ll come back to you.” _

_ “I know you will.” I couldn’t wait any longer, “Go, Paz.” _

_ Relecuntally I let go of him and turned to walk towards the shuttle. My heart seemed to break, I didn’t want to leave. I turned back from the ship to see him still standing there. Din waved to me and I felt tears sting my eyes. I tucked the dagger into my bag, finally it was fully packed. _

_ I’d found what I was missing. _

The morning sun in my eyes made me burrow further into the warm body next to me. I wanted to fall back under that veil of sleep, I wasn’t ready to be awake yet. Paz’s soft snores shook his chest with each breath, it calmed me feeling him under my cheek. I luckily had fallen back asleep easily last night and had no other nightmares for once.

That blissful sleep still called me, though, and I chased it, just before I fell back asleep I heard a soft coo near me. I finally opened my eyes to find the baby curled up on the center of Paz’s chest. A large dark hand covering nearly his entire form, large eyes blinking open slowly.

I laughed a little and wondered how he had gotten from his crib in Cara’s room to Paz’s chest while everyone slept. The little womp rat. His sleepy eyes looked over to me and his ear twitched up, “Buu!”

“Jate var’tuur, ad’ika.” His large ears perked up as he attempted to move out of Paz’s hold. Shakily he managed to wobble over to place his hands on my head, he let out a few happy coos as he tried to push me. “K’uur, ad, I’m awake. K’uur, we don’t want to wake Paz.”

He couldn’t have cared less as he giggled pulling on my overgrown hair. I struggled to hold back my own laughter as he tried to climb on to my head. “What are you doing you little womp rat?”

“Buu!” He screamed and I winced as Paz shifted next to me. Carefully I maneuvered my way out of the tangle of limbs we had been sleeping in and grabbed the baby.

“Okay, okay, I’m up for real. Let’s get you some food, hmm?” Somehow I managed to pull on my pants while juggling the excited baby. I could not understand how he was so energetic right after waking up. It was truly a mystery. 

It must still be early, Cara wasn’t yet awake either, so I went about making some breakfast as the child watched intently. Luckily Paz brought extra food and I managed to make something edible without stealing any of Cara’s food. 

As the baby and I began to eat he let out a small sad coo looking at the food I was feeding him. “Hey, it’s not that bad.”

His little mouth pouted but as always he ate every bite, “It’s not my fault Paz has spoiled you.”

“Making edible food is not spoiling.” Paz stood leaning against the door frame of the guest room. Half his hair was pulled back and all he wore were his shorts and a t-shirt. Muscle thick arms and thighs on display in the morning light. He was breathtaking and I struggled to find any words.

Instead of answering I watched as he walked over and plucked the child from my lap, “Isn’t that right, ad’ika? Eating more than rations is not being spoiled.”

“Ppaa!” He called out happily reaching for his face.

“Elek, jate var’tuu-” He winced with pain as the baby ran his hands on his nose. He managed to distract the baby from his face with the frog plush as he set him to play on the floor.

“Is it broken?” I asked guiltily. I couldn’t remember how hard I had hit him. All I remembered was throwing my arm back as hard as I could. The pain in my elbow. It had been bleeding for quite a while, I wouldn’t be surprised if I broke it. A ting of guilt shook through me.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Djarin,” I laughed despite myself not knowing how he managed to always do that. “No, just bruised pretty bad. I have to say I forgot how painful a strike to the face is.”

I huffed out a laugh. “Yeah it shocked me too at first. You get used to it after a while.” I realized what I had just said and blushed a little. It was true though, I had gotten hit plenty of times during those months for it to fade into the familiar pain of any other strike.The silence that fell over us was just a hint awkward. “Sorry by the way, for elbowing you.”

“Don’t apologize Din, you’ve given me much worse in sparring practice.” I smiled a little at that as we watched the baby play with his new favorite toy. It was true though, years of sparring had resulted in more than a few injuries from both of us. “Remember when you tore my ACL?”

I sighed, “If you would have just fallen and taken the tap out instead of trying to attack as you fell you would have been fine.”

“And let you win? I don’t think so.”

“If I remember correctly, you had to go to medical and I won anyway.”

He rolled his eyes dramatically. “That’s just a technicality.”

“You’ve always been a sore loser.”

“I am not.”

“Sure you aren’t,” my cheeks ached dully from smiling.

“I think this demands a rematch.”

“A rematch of what? We’ve spar countless times since I was 14.”

His smile was all perfect teeth and I could see the excitement in his eyes at a challenge. “Well maybe I just miss having a decent partner. And we could both use the practice.”

That I did have to agree with. It had been a long time since I had done a real sparring match and Paz had always been my favorite opponent. “Alright but we probably shouldn’t do that in Cara’s living room.”

Paz laughed at that, “Think I agree with you on that. Speaking of Cara, you may want to put on a shirt. As much as I’d love otherwise, I’m guessing you’d like to avoid that conversation.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re neck, cyar’ika,” instinctively, I reached my hand to cover the spot I guessed he must have left marks. He laughed and I could feel the blush on my face. “I ‘ll grab your shirt, unless you want to go back to sleep. I can watch him for you.”

“No, I needed to figure out a plan for the auction. It’s coming up soon.”

He disappeared for a moment through the doorway and returned a moment later, throwing the worn shirt to me. Quickly I pulled it on. “Well then Djarin, what are you thinking?”

The last few days I had been thinking through the problem any chance I got. I still hadn’t come up with anything concrete. “Well it depends if the armor is for sale or not. It isn’t listed but maybe if we're lucky…”

“And if we aren’t?”

I sighed. “If she has it, it’ll be there. I know it. In that case, I steal it.”

“You’ll need back up for that.” He was right. I knew he was right, there was no way I could go into a crowded event and steal armor without some kind of security finding me.

“I know.”

“I can do it.”

“No, Paz you can’t. It’s obvious why you can’t go in armor and I refuse to let you go without, which I know is what you’re suggesting.”

Paz’s chocolate brown eyes were watching me. “It’s probably going to happen anyway. Why not now.”

My heart clenched thinking of him giving up his whole life for me. It wasn’t fair. I lost everything, he didn’t have to. “You don’t know that. Maybe she’ll let you be the beroya.”

“She won’t,” I wanted to argue but I doubted she would either.

“Paz, you deserve to be a Mandalorian, you’re meant to be one. I can’t take that from you.”

“Din-”

“I’ll do it.” Both of us turned to see Cara standing in her doorway. I had no idea how long she had been watching us. Long enough I guessed. “I’ll be your back up.”

“It could go bad.” I warned.

She smiled, “Isn’t that always the case with you.”

I only nodded in response.

“And the baby?” Paz asked. It was a good question. “I don’t like the idea of you two going into a private event without someone on the outside too. I’m guessing security will be tight so who knows if you’ll be able to get any blasters in.”

Cara came to sit with us. “Greef?”

There was still a small part of me that thought of Greef as that man that didn’t care what happened to a child as long as he got paid. I knew that wasn’t the truth anymore but still the fear nagged me. 

“Do you think he would?” I asked even though I meant more ‘can he.’

“When you were…. Well before you came back he’d watch him pretty often. He’s good with him.”

“I don’t trust him,” Paz added.

“You don’t know him,” I responded. “He killed his own men to save me and the child.”

He sighed. “It’s your call, Din.”

“Let’s talk to him, see if he'd be okay with it first.”

We all agreed it could wait a few hours as it seemed only the baby was actually awake this early. The three of us were sluggishly milking the cups of real coffee Cara made for us. I had never had anything other than shitty caf and I was certain this was ruining me.

It was amazing, the bitter taste complex as the three of us watched the baby play. I wished we wouldn’t have to leave again in a few days, this little apartment felt like a home and I knew the baby thought so too. He loved being here. At least he didn’t have to be dragged across the galaxy, it still made me nervous though knowing he had a bounty on his head. 

We were safe for now but I was afraid he’d never get that security of a home. Who knows how long this will last. He deserved so much better than running for his life. The  _ Razor Crest _ was fine as my home but he was just a child.

As Cara and Paz went to get dressed and armored I moved to the floor with the child. How could I let a moment pass where we were safe and happy. I wouldn’t miss anything if I could help it. The baby was delighted as he cooed at me trying to explain whatever the little game he was playing with himself was. 

It didn’t matter I had no clue what he was saying, he’d still wobble over to me to hand me his blanket or ball or frog. My chest felt so tight seeing his eyes light up at the sight of me. It was reassuring knowing he saw how much I cared for him. 

“Mesh’la.” Paz said as he walked toward me leaning down to kiss me as I stretched my neck to reach him. He pulled back soon after and pulled on his helmet. “Bal gar, ad’ika, gar copikla, elek.”

The baby laughed hysterically as Paz grabbed him and tossed him lightly in the air before setting him back down.

I wasn’t sure if this could actually be my life. How could I feel such joy and yet fall back into times of despair? Could I ever just have this? Would the nightmares and episodes fall into my past with the rest of it or would I always be plagued with them? 

I didn’t know any of the answers. I almost wished to ask Paz, to seek more of his comfort. To hear his soothing words and forget in the bubble of his grounding touch. I guess in a way that was an answer in and of itself. 

“You ready, verd’ika?” Paz asked as Cara had asked him the same just a moment before.

“Yes,” I answered as he pulled me up and I grabbed the child in my arms making sure not to leave the frog behind as we followed Cara to the common house. 

Paz’s hand rested lightly on the small of my back, I knew he felt it too. The contentment of the morning, of last night. In a way I felt silly now thinking he may not have loved me back. Of course he did, it seeped out of every thing he did for me, every touch, every word. I swore I could feel it in the air surrounding him. It was intoxicating. 

My son looked up to him as well and cooed loudly, trying to get his attention. The small laugh that rumbled out his modulator warmed me. “Yes, I see you and your frog, little one.”

Cara led the way to the booth Greef always occupied and as she and I sat across from him the baby squealed happily at the familiar face.

“Good morning to you too, kiddo.” Greef’s booming voice seemed to fill the whole room. 

“Kargo, I have a favor to ask you.”

He cocked one eyebrow at my serious tone, “And how can I help.”

I took a breath, “I have something I need to do and I need back up. I need both Cara and… mando,” I felt stupid calling him that. “It’s a dangerous mission and I don’t wish to put the child at risk.”

“I see.”

“I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to watch him while we’re gone. Hopefully it should only be for a few days.”

Greef was quiet for a moment and I found my nerves fray just a little. “I’d be more than happy to watch him, Din.”

I let out a breath, “Thank you.”

“Oh, no reason to thank me. The little creature and I have quite the good time don’t we?” He asked the baby, waving with three fingers mimicking the baby’s own hand. In response he waved back with a happy coo. At least this one part of the plan would be easy. “If you don’t mind me asking, what is this mission?”

“I’ve been tracking down my armor. I believe some of it will be at an exclusive auction.”

“I see.” He looked me over a moment, “If you’re going to try to blend in you’ll need new clothes.”

I looked down at the one set of now tattered clothes I owned. Shit. I should have thought of that. “Right.”

He laughed a deep, heavy sound. “I knew a tailor who owns me. He’ll get you something cheap that looks any but.”

I felt Paz’s hand rest on my shoulder before his gloved hand brushed through the hair falling in my face. “You should cut your hair some too, cyar’ika.”

I directed an angry look to Paz but I knew he was right. If I wanted to convince them, I’d have to look the part. Luckily, I had more than enough practice socializing with these types of people. I had hoped I’d never have to use those skills again. That didn’t matter though. As long as I could blend in I knew how to get what I wanted from them.

Afterall, I had learned to make myself essential to them. I had learned how to listen and gather information. That had been my only weapon for so long and I was ready to use it once again. This time it wouldn’t be for survival but for my future.

I could do this.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Alright. Sorry for the delay but this chapter is looong so hope that makes up for it. Next update will be on Monday (I need the weekend to work on this boy) so be looking out for that. Also sorry in advance for the cliffhanger!
> 
> Thank you  
> Cork
> 
> P.S. For a preview of chapter 20 listen to Pretty things by Big thief and Little Sparrow by Dolly Parton 
> 
> P.P.S. Yes I know my taste in music is absolutely random

The hot air on Nevarro suffocated me as I dodged another attempted hold from Paz. Even with the cloth sun shields, I was sweating and I could feel the sun heat my skin. If I was hot Paz must be scorching, I could use that to my advantage. All I’d have to do is wear him out until I could overpower him.

I’d never be able to go toe to toe with him on strength alone, but my endurance and speed left us on equal footing. At this point anyone could win.

With a well placed sweep of his leg, I came crashing to the ground but wasn't finished yet. Paz leaned to punch at my stomach but before he could I rolled and quickly launched myself back to my feet. I took advantage of his leaning position to kick the back of his knee (one of his few weak spots) and he fell hard onto them. 

I landed a few quick punches to his lower back before he could recover. I must have underestimated how close I was since Paz was able to grab my arm and maneuvered it over his shoulder with a yank. 

Despite the discomfort in my arm I could tell he wasn’t using his full strength. He had dislocated my shoulder more than once in almost the exact position. Guess he wasn’t ready to call it quits yet either. Using my own momentum, I half rolled, half flipped over his arm and out of his hold. 

“You’re going easy on me.” I accused as he stood from the ground back into his low stance.

“You’re not wearing armor,” His breathless voice through the modulator reassured me that I was in fact wearing him out. 

“It won’t be as fun when I win if you didn’t try.”

“Cocky, aren’t we?” I could hear the smile in his voice.

I moved quick on my feet to his back, landing a quick strike to the spot where his neck met his shoulder. He crumbled slightly from the impact and I used it to kick his foot out from under him. Paz quickly rolled onto his back as I took a knee to deliver a fast fury of punches to his kidneys.

Unfortunately, Paz managed to get his legs under me and send me over his head and I landed hard on the duracrete roof. I struggled to catch my breath as it seemed to have been knocked out of me.

Before I could get back to my feet Paz was over me delivering a hard punch just under my ribs knocking the wind out of me yet again. I groaned as I tried to get my legs under me in an attempt to get out of his reach. In response he simply leaned over me pinning my hips in place with his own.

“I...have you...verd’ika.” 

I struggled trying to knock him off or at least get enough room to move. From my awkward position I tried to get a punch into his neck again, but he grabbed my arms and pinned them over my head in one hand. Half heartedly I continued to writhe under him. I didn’t want him to win but I also definitely didn’t want him off me.

The adrenaline of the fight had my heart hammering and my blood boiling. With him covering me with his weight I was thoroughly worked up and had to keep myself from rutting up into him.

“Tap out.” He said over me.

“And let you win, I don’t think so.” 

I could hear his laugh just inches from my face, I wished his helmet was off. I wanted to kiss him horribly. “It seems pretty clear I’ve already won.”

In one last attempt to buck him off me, I pushed my hips as hard as I could off the ground. It had the opposite effect as the friction on my now obviously hard cock made me moan lightly.

Paz took in a quick inhale as he moved one of his thighs up between my legs, the pressure was exquisite and I melted into the touch. He ran one hand down my exposed side and I shivered from the contact. “We both know I’ve won, cyar’ika.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I teased back. I refused to tap out, surprisingly I liked being held under him like this. Even with my arms pinned over me I didn’t panic. I trusted Paz too much.

As If reading my mind, he loosened his grip on my arms so I could easily get out of the hold. “Are you okay, Din?”

“Yes,” to punctuate my point I moved my hips to rut against his thigh.

“Good,” I could hear the smile in his voice as he adjusted the codpiece to the side before grinding against me in response. Even through the layers of thick clothing I could feel the heat from him.

The hand that had been lingering on my exposed waist made its way to teasingly palming the front of my pants. I guess the sparring had turned me on more than I realized as I was already desperate for the contact. 

“Paz-” 

“I got you, cyar’ika,” His own voice breathless as he talked into my ear. 

I probably shouldn’t be shocked that sparring devolved into this. It was usually about a 50/ 50 chance when we were younger that sparring would turn into sex. Even before anything was official between us there was a charged energy during our matches.

It seemed nothing had changed in the last twenty years. At least in this moment it felt so. 

“I was certain you were gonna win,” Paz said softly, still teasing me with nearly featherlight touches. “So smart and fast, you see my moves before I even think about them.”

I pulled my arms a little against his hold enjoying the way his strong hand held my wrist back. “Not fast enough.”

“Not this time, verd’ika.” I imagined the smile that must be on his face as his hand worked its way clumsily under my pantline. The soft leather felt foriegn on my inflamed skin. “I’m sure you’ll get me next time.”

I only hummed in response. Despite the drag of his gloves, I enthusiastically chased the contact. My body was overwhelmed by the intensity of his touch, the adrenaline from sparring, the heat, the ache that had already settled in my muscles. Every nerve seemed to sing in either discomfort or pleasure and the fact that Paz was still fully armored only fed into it.

I wondered how far he wanted to take this, I was pretty much happy with anything. I moved into the gloved touch. The sensation was a little strange but not by any means unpleasant.

“Wish the whole world could see you like this. So fucking beautiful.”

A jolt of fear shot through me, my heart continued to race but now I felt frantic.

_ What do you think your tribe would say seeing you like? _

No. That’s not what he said. It was Paz over me. It was Paz complimenting me. It’s Paz. I know that.

Do I know that?

Of course I do. I opened my eyes to see the evidence for myself. Blue beskar, dark visor, yellow accented pauldron. Paz. It was Paz. I know his armor as well as my own.

I took a deep breath. I relaxed. I was safe here. I could stop if I wanted to. I didn’t want to stop. I liked his touch on me.

“You okay, Din?”

I let out another breath. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“Good.” He used his hand still pinning my arms to remove his glove before undoing my pants the rest of the way. The motion had him leaning more weight on my wrists.

I struggled against it trying to get out of it. I couldn’t this time and the panic set in. I couldn’t get out.

I had to get away.

I used the last of my strength to try to get him off. My arms were free and I pushed on his chest, the body on top me moved easily. “Stop! Get off!”

Paz sat back, hands in front of him. Of course. It was Paz. I wasn’t in danger. “Din? Can you hear me?”

I sighed. “Yeah.” Embarrassed, I ran my hands through my hair, “ Yeah. I know it’s you.”

He relaxed readjusting to sit cross legged, it seemed unnatural with his bulky form. “How do you feel?”

“I’m fine.” I hated this. I hated these conversations, these dissections of my trauma. I had freaked out for no reason and ruined everything. That was all that happened. I would rather not talk about it.

“Are you sure?” I hated that he asked that too.

“I said I was fine.” I snapped back not angry at him but at myself. I wanted it. I wanted him. I was enjoying myself. Why had one phrase and pressure on my wrist set me off?

“Okay. It’s okay.” He was being unbearably patient with me. It’d rather he be as mad as I was. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing. It was my fault, I panicked for no reason.”

“It’s oka-“

“It’s not! I wanted to but I couldn’t. Something so fucking simple and I can’t do it!” I was seething thinking of how pathetic I really was. The anger made tears burn in my eyes. It’d been fine last time, why not this time? “This is never gonna end is it? I love you, I want to fuck you and I can’t. I’m always gonna be this fucked aren’t I? I’ll continue to ruin shit until it’s too much for you. Until... until you’re gone. “

I bite my tongue forcing myself to stop talking. I was spiraling. I knew I was. My mind didn’t work logically, I was too upset with myself. And this explosion only made it worse. Why hadn’t I just shut up? Why hadn’t I just made myself calm down? I could have just gone through with it.

“Din.” Paz’s voice was stern but not angry, “Listen to me. You didn’t ruin anything and I’m not going anywhere. You aren’t fucked up, verd’ika, it’s just going to take time.”

He leaned towards me while staying out of my personal space. His voice captivated me. I let my eyes fall to the ground. “I’m a coward, I’m not a soldier.”

Paz leaned even lower to reach my eye level, “That could not be farther from the truth, Din. You did actually what you needed to, you endured and you survived. You made it home to your son. A coward would never have done that. You are so strong, cyar’ika.”

My out of control mind wouldn’t let me take the compliments. It refused to be soothed by the kind words. “I got captured.”

“Being overpowered does not make you a coward. I know you, Din, I know you never went down without a fight.”

Paz was right about that, I had fought until knocked unconscious, I fought until the smooth beskar of my helmet slipped through my broken fingers. I had fought every man that touched me until I was taught a better way to fight them. I had fought every minute of every day for the last 3 months.

I wasn’t ready to give up.

I took a slow breath and nodded in response.

“And Din, I don’t know if it’s all going to go away but I know you’ll be fighting it. And I’ll be there with you,” he reached out his hands and I grabbed them, “You’ve already improved so much, verd’ika.”

I tried and failed to think of anything that I had accomplished in this time. I didn’t need to ask the question for Paz to answer.

“Just think of a few weeks ago? I know you didn’t completely trust me and that’s fine. Now though I think you do. Remember when you got shot and I had to help? Even as you were nearly dead you were jumping out of my touch, and now just a few nights ago you were comfortable enough to have sex. You are doing amazingly.”

“Paz?”

“What, verd’ika?”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, everything I said is the truth.”

I shook my head, “No, thanks for stopping, for listening to me.”

I think Paz understood that I needed to say this. He reached out to rest his hand on my cheek, the movement was slow and I knew I could back out of it if I wanted to. I didn’t. “Of course, Din. I love you, I’d never hurt you like that.”

I knew it was the truth, “I love you too.”

Paz guided my forehead to rest on his helmet, the gesture felt strange without my own. After a moment or two he pulled me to sit on his lap as he still sat cross legged. The action was playful and childish, I laughed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder.

“So small,” He said quietly in my ear, his voice higher than usual.

“Fuck you,” I called back inbetween laughs.

“It’s not an insult, verd’ika,” I could hear his smug smile.

“Sure it’s not.”

He hummed close to my neck, “Well, not when it’s true.”

I swatted at his covered face on my shoulder, “You’re just huge. I am well over average height.”

“You know people only ever seem to bring up average heights when they’re short.”

“I can’t stand you.” 

His laughter echoed through the modulator by my ear, he pulled me closer so my back was completely covered by his solid chest. “It’s getting late.”

The setting sun cast a cladiscope of pinks and oranges and grays through the cloudy Nevarro sky. “Yeah.”

“We leave tomorrow.” He stated as if I didn’t know.

“I wish I didn’t have to leave him again so soon.”

“I know.” Paz strained his neck to look me in the eye, “Let’s not waste the time we have then, huh?”

I laughed as I stood from his lap and reached my arm down to him, he grabbed it and I pulled him up. “I say we officially give up on the crib and just let him sleep with us tonight.”

Paz pulled me closer to his side as we walked back to the flat, “At this point it’s just a time saver.”

“He’s so small. How doesn’t he always get out and onto the bed?”

“It’s a mystery.” He wrapped both arms around my shoulders, “Baby wins this round.”

I laughed as we entered the apartment. 

It felt like home.

***

The old pipes on the  _ Crest  _ screeched as they adjusted back to room temperature and I wondered if they’d finally give out. That would make this evening even more complicated than it was. Tonight was the night, and I needed as little distraction as possible.

Everything was ready. Plans had been made, goodbyes had been said and clothes had been bought. Now all that was left was for me to shave, find something to do with the mess of my hair and get dressed. Nerves made my hands shake as I grabbed the clippers I had used countless times before.

I needed to cut my hair. I knew that but this time felt different. I hadn’t cut it since I left the house, I think it had been slightly intentional. They had made such a big deal of our appearance, the ‘clothes' we wore, our hair, if we were shaved or not, if we wore makeup or not. 

Partially, definitely, on purpose, I had done only minimal grooming since then. My patchy beard was grown in, something I had specifically not been allowed to have. My hair had begun to curl at the back and fall in my face in the front. I had let myself be disheveled because I didn’t want extra attention but now I needed to look like one of them.

I flipped the clippers on and the low rumble almost soothed me. Before I could overthink it, I ran the blades to the side of my head. Locks of brown hair fell over my shoulders, I continued on the opposite side leaving the hair about an inch long. 

Usually, I’d just shave it all one length and forget about it for months at a time before I repeated the process. It was different now that people actually saw it. With a mix of scissors and the clippers I trimmed the top and front so it was still longer than the rest. I liked that it still fell slightly on my forehead.

After struggling to get the back, I was decently satisfied that it looked okay. I guess years of practice cutting my hair had made a difference. I surprised myself that I didn’t hate it, it was somewhere between groomed and disheveled and I felt I could live with that.

Now my barely there beard looked even more ridiculous. I couldn’t stand to shave all of my facial hair, though. I honestly never thought much about what my facial hair looked like until I was in the house and now I still wanted some just to spite them. I ended up settling on leaving the moustache, it probably looked the best out of all of it.

Before getting dressed I just paused to stare at myself in the mirror, I usually avoided it which made the changes from when I last really looked seem more pronounced. Last time I’d really carefully looked was after the blaster bolt, the difference now was … strange.

How had I not noticed how pale my skin had been then? Now my color was back and my skin looked healthy. I had gained back some weight and muscle since then. My clavicle had started disappearing under the muscle where it had once been hollowed out.

I did as I had that day and turned to see the large scar shooting up my hip. It had faded into an almost whitish pink mark. Once again I was surprised by how large it actually was. It should have killed me. Paz had been smart enough to keep me alive.

I took one last look before taking a deep breath and pulling on the neat, new pants of the suit from the garment bag. They were tailored for me and fit to lay perfectly. Getting them fitted had been horribly uncomfortable and almost set me into an episode but they did look good.

I shrugged the deep maroon shirt on. The thin, almost satin fabric, clung to my arms and chest making me somehow seem more fit than I was at the moment. I watched in the mirror as I buttoned up the collarless shirt, I had never worn formal wear before and it looked foriegn on me. Afterall, our beskar'gam is formal wear for mandalorians.

The jacket fit as well as everything else as I secured it closed with the maroon belt accent, the end of the belt falling to hit at my thigh. I stood straight to look over myself in the mirror. I could believe this man had the money and connections the rest did. I could imagine this man being in an exclusive Mandalorian obsessed community.

I paused.

Satisfied, I turned to leave the tiny room after deciding putting on the dress shoes would be far too difficult in the small space. We didn’t have long before we had to leave and I knew Cara would probably be done changing in the second floor storage by now.

I sat and pulled on the shoes, I had to admit I was nervous about running in them certain my feet would be bloody by the end of the night.

“Din…” I stood and smoothed out the jacket, feeling weird in the clothes. Paz sat at the table seemingly cleaning his blaster. At least it sat on the table ignored as he just stared at me.

“What?”

I saw his eyes rover over me. “You look... amazing,” He breathed out.

“Are you sure? I feel out of place in these clothes.” I moved my shoulders a little as if that’d magically make them feel more natural.

Paz’s laughter filled the space, “Yes, I am very sure. Fuck, it looks so good on you.”

I blushed as he walked over to me. His large hand held at my waist while his other gently tilted my chin up looking over my face and hair. “Does it look bad?”

“Absolutely not.” I was glad he hadn’t yet put on his helmet so I could see the light in his eyes, the smile pulling lightly at his lips as he ran his thumb over the hair I left over my lip. “I think I like this best of all.”

I raised on my toes to close the small space between us and his lips met mine again, I sighed slightly. I felt the smile over my lips as he pulled me closer and my body pressed perfectly to his armor.

The moments passed with our lips pressed to each other calmed me and I let it seep the stress from me. For just a while longer I could let my body lead by instinct. I could let myself seek the attention and love I craved. 

And Paz was more than willing to accommodate as he firmly pressed me against the wall of the _ Crest _ . The extremes of his warmth and the cold of the metal behind me had me leaning into him further. As he loved to do, Paz let his lips linger on my neck kissing and sucking at the sensitive skin. 

I tried unsuccessfully to catch my breath. I knew we shouldn’t get carried away but at the same time everything in me screamed for more. Finally, some of my common sense caught up with me. “Uh, Paz… you’ll leave marks..”

I felt the smile on his lips form on my pulse point, “And?”

I laughed. I honestly didn’t have an argument, but Paz took the hint anyway and moved back to kissing me. His hands pressed firm into my hips and I moaned into his mouth. We had definitely gotten carried away.

I didn’t care. I enjoyed it while I could, the press of our bodies, the frantic hands clinging to any of the other we could. Our lips and tongue trying to take as much of each other as we could. 

“You got to be fucking kinding me.” Cara’s voice had Paz flying off of me and I felt the blush reach to my eyes. “You two are ridiculous.”

Paz calmly walked back to where he was cleaning the blaster, “Hey, this is our home.” He shot a wink to me, “We can do whatever we want.”

Our home.

The  _ Razor Crest  _ was our home. I couldn’t help the stupid smile on my face. Cara just rolled her eyes while a smile played on her own features, before she did a small spin. Her dress was elegant in a deep navy, simple but classic. She wore makeup which was quite the surprise to me but it did help pull attention from her tattoo which was probably the intention. “How does it look?”

“Looks like we’ll pass.” I stated simply before standing next to her. “Think we could pass for a married couple?”

Paz chuckled, “If I knew nothing about either of your preferences, sure.”

I shot him a look but he only laughed as I nervously adjusted my jacket. Paz pulled on his helmet and strapped on his cannon. It was time. We all knew it.

His large gloved hand held the small of my back as he pulled me to his chest. We held each other for a moment before he leaned back and placed the comm for emergencies in my hand. “K’oyacyi, ner kar’ta.”

Firmly I held the back of his neck in my hand, “K’oyacyi.” I stood on my toes again to nuzzle to his now covered forehead.

He pulled away a moment later and grabbed Cara forearm in the tradition greeting. “Ib’tuur jatne tuur ash’ad kyr’amur.”

Cara nodded before the both of us met eyes and walked out the ship towards the large event happening in town. As we weaved through streets and avenues she leaned over. “What did he say to me?”

I smiled. “It means ‘Today’s a good day for someone else to die.’”

“Oh you’re gonna have to teach me that one,” She said as she laughed. We were nearing the entrance and the city had transformed into a beautifully lit neighbor. Gated mansions and halls lined the streets. “And what did he say to you. If you don’t mind me asking.”

I sighed. “‘Stay alive, my heart.’”

“Gross.” I nudged her in response and I was surprised by how well she kept her balance in the heels.

“You asked.”

“Din he really loves you.” It was a statement I already knew.

I found myself sighing once again but this time it was fond. “You know we were together when we were younger.”

I wasn’t sure why I was opening up to her about this part of my past but I needed to tell someone. I had never in my whole life talked about it. I had let Adrala tease me endlessly about it but I had never admitted to it. Even then I had been afraid of what it would mean for him. For us.

“Really?,” She looked back in front of her. “That makes sense.”

“It does?”

“Well, you’re too thoughtful. I had a hard time wrapping my head around why things had changed in only a matter of weeks but now that you say you had a past. It makes sense.”

“Cara?” She looked back at me. “You know I love him too, right?”

She smiled that lively smile of hers, “Yeah I guessed as much.”

“Guess you were right from the beginning. He had been looking out for me.”

Instead of answering she pulled me to her with an arm around my shoulder. I’d never had anyone I truly trusted except for my parents, my buir and Paz. I was more than happy to add a sister to that list. 

The conversation fell into focus as we were finally at the event hall. Just as expected it was bustling with sentients of all types. A short line had formed at the entrance for what I was certain must be a security check. I thanked manda we decided against weapons. If needed I’m sure they’d be some inside.

We cleared the checkpoint easily and were cleared under our fake names for the money we could theoretically spend. Well dressed staff led us to the main hall and I instantly felt a little in awe.

There was an extravagance that somehow even I felt intoxicated by. The large hall was made of a beautiful rounded ceiling seemingly inlaid with gold or copper or some other precise metal. The fair end the wall was entirely windows looking out to green hills and the star lit sky. So many people shuffled from display to display admiring the pieces for sale and obsessing over those that weren’t.

If I wasn’t so disgusted by the scene I’d have been astonished by the display.

The wealth of the inhabitants seemed to suffocate the air around them. Their own self importance fogging all thoughts and emotions as they prodded the stolen artifacts. Somehow it was even worse than the shop had been.

Everywhere I looked there was priceless evidence that this culture used to exist in full. Multiple sets of full armor lined one wall with small descriptions on each about presumed ranks and jobs and colors used to paint them. All I could think of was the presumed names of the great warriors who wore them. Just as I had in that small shop I wondered if they had any living family. Was their clan still looking for their beskar?

I hoped they died a warrior’s death. They deserved it.

I pulled my eyes from the vacant shells of my fallen brethren to the opposite wall which was purely made up of weapons. Blasters and knives and blades all made beautifully by armorers who poured their skill and passion into them only for them to end up mounted on a wall for an auction bid.

After a quick scan, too afraid to look too closely, one blaster caught my eye. The forked edge of my pulse rifle was unmistakable. I nudged Cara who seemed to light heartily be looking around the room in wonder. “Cara?”

“I saw. We’ll bid on it.” I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. It was my weapon, made specifically for me and something deep in me wanted to rip it off the wall and take it out.

Instead I stayed calm as we followed the traffic of the crowd to a large slab of carved stone. It sat on a pedestal looking as if it had been pulled straight from rubble to be displayed here. It was an old carving depicting the fabled neo crusaders in battle with what I recently learned to be Jedi. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around how old this piece of art must be. Could be thousands of years and from the state of the stone that didn’t seem too far off.

As we made our way to an area where people were gathered by a crowded bar, I felt myself getting overwhelmed. Everything around me was either loud and bright or an unnatural obsession with a culture I still hold very close to me. I was exhausted and we’d only just arrived.

Cara’s hand on my shoulder calmed me as she beckoned a waiter with a tray of dark liquor towards us. She grabbed two from the tray and thanked him as she placed one in my hand. 

“I know it’s a lot but we need to stay focused. Just relax a moment we need to belong before we make our move.”

I nodded in response and took a swig of the drink. The burn of what I assumed was whiskey was enjoyable and pulled my focus from the hellish display around me.

“I’m going to put in our name for the rifle. Just stay put a moment.” She clapped her hand to my shoulder before walking to the bidding table. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I knew exactly how to act in this environment.

Instead of seeing those weeks as trauma, I decided for the moment to think of them as training. I knew these people, what they wanted, what they talked about. And most importantly how to get them to do as I wanted. I had managed to survive as their whore, I’d certainly manage as their equal.

I had been so caught up in my own thoughts I hadn’t noticed the footsteps behind me until a hand clasped at my shoulder. Their hold was tight. Possessive.

“You know, Kuiil, you may be the last person I imagined running into here.”

It was only then that the smell of stale cigarettes clouded by expensive cologne invaded my nostrils. The tension in my muscle must have been the only thing keeping me standing.

I didn’t want to believe the truth that was right before my eyes.

He was right before my eyes. 

His hands were on me.

It was him.

Cartic.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CW implied/referenced sexual assault*
> 
> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Omg chapter 20! How is that possible? Thank you guys for continuing to read this and comment it makes my day every time! I also want to thank my husband since he came up with Cartic's name. I had the character planned and had no idea what to name him I texted him and immediately he came back with the perfect first and last name, so thanks baby! Also super excited that you guys finally get to meet Cartic in real life.
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Enjoy?  
> Cork

I could have sworn my blood had turned to ice. This couldn’t be real? Surely this wasn’t real. Just another nightmare, I tried to convince myself. His hand was extended to me, a glass of champagne in it. An offering.

I didn’t take it. I wasn’t stupid, who knew what he could have put in it. 

My throat scratched as I swallowed. I lifted the glass of whiskey to my lips trying not to shake too visibly but I was certain I was failing.

“Come on, you won’t have a drink with an old friend.” His deadly grin pinned me in place. His voice echoed every cruel thing he’d ever called me with each syllable.

I’d have to answer eventually or he’d never leave. He’d simply take my silence as agreeance. I steeled myself.

“I have a drink, thank you,” I wanted it to sound rude instead it sounded apologetic and he smiled wider in response.

“Well then let me join you,” Caric leaned even closer and the smell of his cologne suffocated me. “You don’t wish to be rude, do you?”

I attempted to suppress the shiver that ran down my spine. I knew that tone. He used it often to make a point. It was a warning of what was to come and I realized he still thought he had control over me. I may be frozen and terrified but I wasn’t completely at his mercy anymore.

A small jolt of courage ran through me and I looked him right in his blue eyes, “Actually I do. You can leave now.”

I watched as his telltale signs of fury played over his body. I nearly flinched just from muscle memory. Instead slowly he unclenched his fists.

“Oh don’t be like that, I was hoping you’d introduce me to your new...friend.” The terror set in just as quickly as it left. He was talking of Paz. He knew about Paz. “I’m sure him and I would have a lot to talk about. Since we have such similar interests.”

I both wished Paz was here and glad he wasn’t. He’d have ripped Cartic to shreds already but we couldn’t kill him yet. I needed to stay under the radar tonight. 

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I lied straight through my teeth and looked at Cara’s oblivious form in line.

Cartic clicked his tongue, “Oh now don’t lie to me Kuiil, you know I always find the truth.”

It was then that the hand that had previously been on my shoulder moved to slowly grope down my back. I tensed and felt the anger course through me. I shrugged out of the touch on instinct swatting his arm away. “Fuck you.”

Now I was certain he was going to slap me across the face. I felt as if I reverted back to that man again and for a second I considered begging for his forgiveness just for a lighter beating. Before I had the chance to do anything, he draped his arm around my back, his hand gripped harshly at my hip.

“I’ll let that one slide since you’ve apparently lost all your manners after a few months with that savage,” His voice seemed to drip like pure poison. His grip had only gotten tighter and I knew there would be bruises. “But from now on you’ll show me some respect. If you don’t, I kill everyone you love. That child of yours, and then I’ll kill you too.”

The blood drained from my face and seemed to well deep in my chest. My child. He was threatening my baby and I looked at all the things near me I could use to beat his skull in. Even if it wasn’t a horrible idea in the middle of a crowded event I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Not if there was even a sliver of a chance the child would be harmed.

The kid deserved so much better than this pitiful fool but I was what he had and just as I had months earlier I would do anything to get back to him and keep him safe. I hated that Cartic had this play over me but I couldn’t help but obey.

Just like that he had me completely under his control. What did that take? Two minutes? I felt the hot tear down my cheek before I even processed them forming. Quickly I wiped it away and took a deep breath. I had to stay strong.

“Do you understand?” It was still that toone that screamed for me to run or fight or hide. It was a dangerous sound I knew all too well.

I nodded in response, not trusting my voice as I continued to swallow around the lump in my throat.

“Say it.”

I didn’t want to but it slipped out of my lips anyway. “Yes, Cartic.”

I could see his smug smile in the corner of my eye. “Good. Now tell me, why isn’t your friend here keeping watch over his property? It makes it very tempting for someone else to claim his prize.”

It was impossible for me to think of Paz treating me the way he was suggesting, “It’s not like that.”

“Of course it is you poor naive boy.” He was wrong, Paz loved me. I wasn’t his property or some prize to guard from others. I was his partner, his equal, his cyare. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“He...he loves me,” My voice shook and I didn’t even know why I was rationalizing it to him.

Cartic’s grip tightened even more and I leaned away from it but there was no way out of it. “Can’t you see I love you, Kuiil? I could take such better care of you. You’d never want for anything. I’d even make sure that child of yours is safe.”

Never want for anything but my freedom. My safety. My family. I felt another tear threatening to slip at the twisted comparison of what he did to me as love. He couldn’t truly think he was being honest did he? Obsessed with me? Sure. But love? If he had any ounce of it in his whole life he’d see how absurd that was.

“You know, If I knew you could be this pretty I would have paid twice your value too.”

I turned harshly to try and read his features. That couldn’t be right. “He only paid off my debt.”

“Oh no,” My blood ran cold at his smug smile. “We were in a bidding war, he offered double what I was in cash and they took it.” His hand traced the spot on my neck Paz had been kissing early and I was frozen in place. “And it seems he’s getting his money’s worth already.”

My breathing became shallow and my hand clung tightly to the commlink in my pocket. Maybe I should click it on, let Paz hear what was happening. Surely he’d come right? But if what Cartic was saying is true maybe this is just his way of using me. After all we did move quickly and there really wasn’t anything between us before the brothel.

What if I was still there? What if this was too good to be true because it wasn’t true?

No.

Paz loves me. I know that. Right? “You’re lying.”

“I’d never lie to you,” His grip loosen just a little. “I love you, remember?”

This was just a way to control me, he was trying to confuse me. Make me believe I’d be better off with him or at least ruin some of what I had with Paz. Suddenly that icy fear turned to lava hot ire.

“You don’t love me, you fucking raped me,” I spat out maybe a little to loud in the crowded hall. Cartic satisfied smile melted into an ugly frown.

When he spoke again, it sent another shiver through my being. “I paid for your services, tell me how do I steal something I paid for? Besides we both know you…” He looked me up and down suggestively, “Enjoyed yourself more than once. You may be a liar but your body isn’t.”

I swallowed and it felt like sandpaper as I tried not to think of what he was saying. His hand on me had me spiraling and I couldn’t quite remember how I got here or how much time had passed.

“No. I know what happened, what you did to me and he’d never because he actually loves me.” I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or myself.

The smile was back, “Well then I’m sure you’ve told him everything. Or… maybe you haven’t? But why wouldn’t you if he actually loves you?”

Because he’ll be disgusted, he’ll hate me. He’ll leave.

“Don’t worry darling, you’ll always have me.”

My vision was blurred and I could feel my hands shake as a figure approached us.

“-why don’t you introduce me to your friend?” I couldn’t tell if they were talking to me.

I was thankful when the hand was removed from his crushing grip on me, “Cartic. Nice to meet you.”

“Ally Syna.” No that wasn’t her name. I recognized the voice, Cara. That’s right, Cara. That was the alias she chose. Cara had come back. I felt her elbow nudge me lightly trying to get my attention. I looked at her making sure I was actually seeing her. I was shocked when she let out a forced laugh but looked in my eyes with fear. “I think you may have had too much to drink, Din. Let’s get some fresh air.”

Not Kuiil, Din. My lungs seemed to work a little better and I could take a few shallow breaths. Her hand on my shoulder was featherlight as she went to move me through the crowd. Just as our backs turned his voice penetrated the loud hall.

“See you soon, Din. I hope to meet your friend next time.”

Din. Next time. Friend. I wasn’t sure which part of the sentence terrified me more.

I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what was happening as I followed Cara to the far end of the hall near the windowed wall. She said something to the guard before he led us out of the main room and onto a balcony overlooking the rocky cliff the mansion was positioned on.

The air was clear and crisp this far from the city. A mild breeze cooled my heated face. I felt like I could breathe just a little better here. Slowly, I was starting to come down from it. I had to remind myself I was mostly uninjured and my back up was right here with me.

“Din? Are you okay?” Her voice was quiet and heavy with concern.

My tongue didn’t seem to work so instead I just looked at her. I was alive. I was free. I was not a slave.

“Okay. Just breathe a moment. It’s no rush.”

But it was a rush, we couldn’t hide out here forever soon we’d have to go back to the hall. We’d have to talk to people, get them to give the information I needed. It seemed an impossible task as my body was slowly coming down from the fight or flight response.

This was all going to be a waste wasn’t it? We were going to have to leave empty headed. Cartic will have learned my real name and I will have earned nothing.

“He threatened the baby.” It was all I could think to say. The implications of the threat were far too unsettling to let pass. It seemed the best way to explain how shook up I was.

She leaned closer. “How does he know about him? Who is he?”

“An old regular. He’s been obsessed with me since.” There was so much more to say but I didn’t have the energy for it.

“And the baby? Do we need to call Karga?”

I let myself think over the conversation and what exactly he had said and how much he knew. “No...no he just knows I’m a father. I don’t think he even knows who the child is.”

“Good.” She let out a sigh of relief before holding something out to me. It was a cigarette and I looked at her confused. “It’ll calm your nerves.”

It’d been years since I had one but she was right the methodical motion would steady me. I took it and lit it before breathing in the toxic air. “Where did you get these.”

She smiled just barely. “Stole them. I think these assholes can afford new ones. Call it my small act of rebellion.”

“A true rebel.” I quipped back, surprised I was as calm as I was. There were a few moments where I almost lost it completely but I had pulled out of it. I wondered why it hadn’t set me off as badly as I would have imagined.

We leaned our arms on the railing as we smoked. A few stars could even be seen in the sky. The city's skyline shined dimly in the distance. I could still hear my blood rush through my ears, every nerve was on edge ready for a fight that wouldn’t come. 

“So,” Cara started breaking the fragile serenity that had settled over us. “What do we do next?”

I sighed. “I think we have to continue the mission.”

“We can abort if you aren’t up to it.”

“I know,” she wouldn’t judge me for leaving now and a part of me wanted that so badly. The thought of being held by Paz on our thin bedrolls was tempting but there was too much on the line. If my armor was here then we needed to be here, who knows when we’d get a chance again.

Returning the beskar was more important than my discomfort or fear.

“You know it’s completely your choice.” She reassured me as I silently looked out to the landscape. The shadow of his grip still sent fear through me with each breath but I had to do this. I had to leave the creed on the best terms I could. I had betrayed my tribe too many times already.

“We’re continuing the mission.”

She smiled and I knew despite what she said this was the outcome she was hoping for. I took a long drag from the cigarette in my hand before snubbing out the butt and flicking it over the balcony. We couldn’t waste any more time.

Just as I was about to walk towards the door she held my arm lightly. “I’ll be right by your side the whole time, Din. I promise I won’t let you out of my sight.”

I nodded glad she was with me. I couldn’t imagine what would have happened if I came alone. I doubt he would have bothered with the small talk. That was it. I’m not going to let him win this time. He may have caught me off guard but now I knew he was here. I knew exactly what I was walking into.

I could fight as I was supposed to now. I’d be charming and friendly and he’d have to watch as I talked up each of his friends and colleagues. Cartic would have to watch as I showed him I no longer belonged to him. 

He had the upper hand before but now I did. I rolled my neck and adjusted my clothes unbuttoning the top button. If seeing the marks on me had bothered him I’d make sure he saw them again. I could be afraid later now I had to work.

It was unsettlingly familiar to my days as a slave. In a way this was just another party I was working only this time I wouldn’t be passed around as a favor but take exactly what I wanted from them. I almost felt empowered as we made our way back to the magnifect hall.

Instantly I felt eyes on me but I only straightened my spine as we walked to the wall of armor. My heart beat with the same anxiety and excitement that came just before battle. A fear that settled in your bones but also made you giddy unsure what may happen next.

With practiced ease I worked myself into a conversation about the difference between pure and alloy beskar. It wasn’t hard for me to make a good impression. After all, I may have the most knowledge in the room on the subject. Throw in just a hint of flirting and I had them just where I wanted them. 

I knew Cartic was watching me, I could feel him behind me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking. The desire to show him up, to show him despite what happened earlier I’m fine, was all that was fueling me.

An older man with pale skin listened intently to the small language lesson I was going through after translating a bit of mando’a painted into the armor. He had that spark of admiration in his eye and while there was definitely desire behind it it wasn't purely sexual and it shocked me. I had been comparing this to one of my parties but this was different.

They didn’t know I wasn’t interested. When they knew my interest was merely for money they could go along with it to build the fantasy for themselves but they knew at the end of the night there’d be a transaction. But these men believed I was genuinely interested.

I had all the power here and they wanted to impress me. Another man cut in to ask a question, “So ‘cuyir’ doesn’t actually get used much?”

With my previous sentence I had clearly answered his question but I knew he was only asking to get my attention on him. “Correct. If someone said, ‘Mevaar ti gar?’ how are you, you wouldn’t respond, ‘Ner cuyir jate,’ but just, ‘Ner jate.’”

“Interesting.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” The pale man said. “What do you do for a living?”

“When I was younger I was a bounty hunter, now I run a small but elite group of hunters.” I lied smoothly, glad Paz had drilled me on my fake life.

“Bounty hunters, eh? Is that how you learned so much about Mandalorian culture.”

“Precisely,” I said with a smile that I knew was charming. “I worked very closely with one many years ago and well, here we are.”

“Well you simply have to meet, Solia,” He waved to a woman a small distance away. “Oh here she comes.”

Solia Leraay. The woman hosting the event. The woman who bought my armor.

Her floor length dress made it appear that she was floating as she made her way through the crowd towards us. I took a steady breath and long sip of my drink. 

Now this really mattered.

The pale man greeted her with a kiss to each cheek. “Solia what a lovely event! So many beautiful pieces, just amazing.”

She smiled prettily obviously enjoying the compliments, “Well, I’m glad to hear you’re having a good time.”

“Oh a splendid time. We wanted to introduce you to our new friend…” He trailed off realizing I’d never given my name, I watched the blush form on his face. “Oh stars, how rude! I never asked your name.”

“No worries,” I extended my hand to Solia and decided then it was best that I set the narrative before Cartic could find a way to undermine me. “Din Syna, this is my sister Ally, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I must say I’m very impressed by your collection.”

She shook my hand lightly. “Well thank you it’s nice to meet you as well.”

“We just had to introduce you, he is extremely knowledgeable about culture and even mando’a. I thought he may be able to help with those new pieces of yours.”

Excitement jolted through my veins. Maybe he was referring to my armor. I could only hope to be so lucky. “And how do I know you’re as knowledgeable as they say, Din?”

“Ask me anything?” I prompted ready for the challenge.

She narrowed her eyes at me, “Name of the war droids the ancient Mandalorians used?”

“Basilisk war droids or in mando’a, bes’uliik.” I answered. Easy.

A smile spread on her face, “Musical instrument and weapon?”

“Bes’bev.” My buir had tried to teach it to me once, it had sounded like a dying loth cat. I took another sip of the burning whiskey.

“Batnor, haryc b’aalyc, ra lararyc?”

I laughed a little, her mando’a was surprisingly good. “Ner lararyc, par jii.”

“Jate,” she said with a smile. The two men and even Cara, stared at us a little shocked that we’d suddenly switched to mando’a with little warning. “I think you may be of help to me.”

“It’d be an honor,” I answered, stroking her ego.

“So tell me, what would you make of pure beskar newly minted and unpainted?”

“Interesting,” I withheld the instinct in me to celebrate. She had it, she had my armor. “Well I’d need to see it myself of course.”

“Of course,” She smiled, likely thinking I was merely taking the opportunity to see a rare collectible. “Right this way.”

I hoped darkly that Cartic had seen me able to sneak my way right to the top of a society he coveted. It had barely even been hard. She led us through a few doors and all I could think was, I did it. 

I had fucked done it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy'
> 
> Again thanks for reading as always. Hope you like this chapter I always struggle a little bit with more action based chapters so I'm curious what you think.
> 
> Thanks  
> Cork

I tried to keep the cool, collected exterior I had managed since reentering the bustling party. It was getting harder to maintain as she led us through more shining hallways deeper into the labyrinth of the mansion. I keep close notice on each twist and turn. I used artworks and imperfections in the expensive mineral floor to map out a path.

If my armor was here we’d need the direction to get back to it.

The sound of clicking heels on the floor synced with my anxious heart. We must be in a private part of the large home as it seemed only she knew the path, even the guard she’d brought along trailed behind her. Between Cara and myself we could easily kill them both but that was not the plan. Unfortunately this was a stealth mission.

If possible we wanted to get in and out completely unnoticed. Well I guess except for Cartic, who would certainly remember us. That threw quite the wrench in our plans but as long as the armor was in my possession at the end of the night, nothing else mattered.

After a few moments we went through a locked door she opened with a key to show another hallway of closed number doors. She approached number 18 and went to pull another key out before the door swung open from the other side.

“Hope you don’t mind I broke into your good champagne since all you served was garbage,” I nearly groaned in frustration at Cartic’s voice behind the door. Of course, one step in front of us.

For a moment Cara’s face turned deathly angry before resuming it’s practiced calmness.

“You really are a menace you know that?” She pushed through the door with a smile anyway, motioning for us to follow. The room was small with some seating and a small table, lined with secured display cases of various valuables. It would have been worth more to provide for the tribe for generations. On one wall was a rack of surely expensive wine, champagne and liquor. On the table sat an open bottle and glass, a cigar in an ashtray. “I am trying to make some kind of profit tonight.”

I sickly wondered if all those numbered doors contained rooms this rich and luxurious as well.

“Really? That’s news to me. I thought this was just another chance to show off.”

She laughed and I found the banter disgusting. 

“You are always too observant for your own good, Cartic.” She suddenly seems to remember we were awkwardly in the room as well. “Oh, sorry, Din Syna this is my old friend Cartic Velour.”

I smiled at the small cringe in his face. A last name. What great news. Before I could say anything he spoke, “Yes we’re old friends as well actually.”

I kept my face a pleasant mask but I could tell he was hoping to chip away at it. I had to have the upper hand. “Oh don’t be modest, more than friends I’d say.”

Cartic simply smiled back, but there was anxiety behind it and I realized he may act like nothing he did was wrong but he did not wish for his powerful friends to know. I almost felt that same rush of power when I was torturing that mercenary, how wonderful was it to have these people in my control now. Some deep dark part of me wished to see Cartic beg me not to expose him for what he was.

I wasn’t going to yet though, where would the fun in that be? 

“Really?” Solia asked a spark of excitement at the whisper of juicy gossip.

I let Cartic answer curious how he’d spin this, “A short fling, one may say.”

“Really?” I asked and Cartic turned to me, a look of fury flashing behind his eyes, “It was quite the affair don’t you think?” I turned to Solia, “Not to brag, but he was quite fond of me.”

He kept that neutral smile on his face but I could see the anger beneath it. I watched satisfied as a red blush overtook his pale, pink toned skin turning him beet red. Solia seemed to pick up the tension of the room as she moved to grab additional glasses.

“Well then, let's have a drink to celebrate mutual friends and new beginnings,” Her voice was a practiced friendliness.

We each took a glass as she poured the bubbling gold liquid for each of us. Cartic had regained his composure and as we held up our glasses he met my line of sight, “K’oyacyi!”

A shiver ran through my spine, it was usually for the word to be used as a cheers but the look in his eyes made it seem like a threat, a challenge. As if he said, ‘Stay alive. If you can.’

“K’oyacyi!” We all said in response and drank our first sip of the smooth alcohol. We were all quiet as we enjoyed the blossoming layers of taste of our tongues. Excluding the floral wine I had at Cara’s it may have been the best liquor I’ve ever had. 

“And how actually did you two meet?” Cartic asked with a smug smile. I knew he wasn’t being polite; he simply wanted more information on me. In a way, we were playing the same game.

“Ah, yes,” She moved to a case as she talked, “Din here is quite the mandalorian expert.”

You don’t say?” Cartic asked, head tilted towards me mockingly.

“Yes, he’s going to look at that armor I told you about, remember? The half painted lower body set.”

“Of course,” He muttered out, watching me and I hoped he had not figured out the reason for my interest in the armor.

“Here it is,” She walked over, setting piece by piece on the small table for our judgement. Both silver hip plates, the mismatched thigh pieces and the one shin and knee guard. The shopkeeper hadn’t lied, she had the rest except my helmet and right pauldron. “Look at this.”

She handed me the newly minted thigh piece and turned it so I could see the under side. I recognized the symbol immediately; it was purely unique to the Alor. Most armourers had some kind of signature on their work and I knew her’s well. It was a mix between the Vizsla signet surrounded by a crown of horns, calling back her own clan's history with the Shadow Collective.

“Looks like the armourer’s signature I’d guess.”

“Yes, but what do you make of it?” She asked. 

I knew I’d have to be careful with how much information I gave. I didn’t want to put the tribe or the Alor in danger. “Well the horns remind me of Shadow collective helmets but it could just be a threatening design or maybe thorns? And I mean of course this is the signet of Clan Vizsla or Death Watch.”

She sat on the couch, “That’s what I thought as well, but this looks almost brand new. It’s been generations since Death Watch was eradicated.”

“Yeah it’s certainly strange.” I picked up my other thigh piece. The older one I knew had the same symbol on it, “And this is all one set?”

“Yes, very strange right? Why have some pieces painted and others not?”

Because the tribe had to move before I could hire an artist.

“Yes, very strange.” I set them carefully back on the table. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. Sorry I can’t be of more help.”

She sighed and leaned back into the plush furniture. “Well, at least now I know I'm not missing something obvious.”

I could feel Cartic’s suspicious glare on me as we finished our drinks. Cara had been silently observing the room and I hoped she’d been as attentive as we needed to pull this off. Before we left the room I clicked the com in my pocket on and off three times quickly. The signal we agreed on to help Paz locate us and the location of the armor.

She locked the armor back in a glass case, “Well, we don’t want to miss the party do we? Bidding will be starting soon.”

The four of us left the room and were once again led back the way we came to the glistening hall. I had at least a basic idea of where to go and I just hoped Paz was close enough to track our heat signature in case we got lost later.

For the next hour my whole body seemed to be alight as we waited for the perfect opportunity. The crowd thinned as groups moved in and out of the large bidding halls. Now was our time to act and I nudged Cara, she looked at me and I nodded sternly, she did the same. 

We moved toward the door we used earlier for the balcony, the guard had left most likely working in one of the halls and we slipped into the corridor easily. We moved quickly through the halls.

It was a slightly different path than Solia had led us down and it took us a moment to find anything familiar. Satisfied, we were far enough away from anyone who’d over hear, I pulled out the com. “Paz you copy?”

“Copy,” His voice came over the small speaker. It calmed me immediately.

“We’re on the move, do you have eyes on us?”

“I got you. You need help to get back to that room?”

“No we're on it, I’ll call if we need back up.”

“Copy that. Good luck.”

I let out a sigh of relief knowing he had our backs. The cold empty halls made me uneasy. And who knew how long we’d be able to go undiscovered. My hands itched for a blaster or at least a vibroblade as we continued through the mansion. We turned a corner and I recognized it

, we were close to the first locked door.

Briskly, we watched down the large corridor. “Stop right there!”

I froze immediately and turned to see the well dressed guard with a small blaster aimed at us. Fuck.

“What are you doing here?” He asked harshly. I had no answer.

Luckily, Cara was quicker on her feet. She walked to him with a swing in her hips banking on the chance he wouldn’t instantly shoot a party guest. “See me and my friend were simply looking for some… privacy.” she turned to giggle at me as she moved closer to him and I understood the part I needed to play. “Seems we got lost,” She was close to him now and he relaxed the blaster slightly, “Do you think you can help?”

Before he had a chance to answer Cara swept her leg from behind him and he crashed hard on his back. I ran forward kicking the weapon from his shocked grasp. With a hard kick to the side of the head from Cara he fell unconscious. I picked up the weapon and handed it to her as I checked his pockets finding a ring of keys.

“We better hurry before he wakes up or someone finds him.”

She nodded in response before taking off her pumps, holding them by the heel in one hand and the blaster in the other as we ran down the halls as quietly as we could. 

My voice was low and frantic as I called Paz. “We had to take out a guard. Be ready.”

“Copy that.” He answered quickly and finally we were at the door. I had a weird feeling of being closed in on as I fiddled with the keys trying a few before finally finding the write one. The door yielded and opened as Cara and I quickly moved in.

We ran down to room 18 as I went back through the process of finding the right key. It was nerve wracking as I knew we were bottlenecked in this little hallway. We needed to get the armor and get out of this wing as quickly as possible.

I breathed in relief as the door opened. One step closer. I moved to the case knowing I didn’t have a key for it and pulled out the small lock pick set I had in my pocket. Cara stood in the doorway keeping watch as I began the delicate routine.

“Three hostile coming your way. Less than 5 minutes from you.” The com coming to life made me jump. Cara looked back at me concerned. I could probably get the lock done in that time but it’d be close.

“Fuck this,” I said standing to full height as I shrugged off the jacket and wrapped it around my elbow before sending in slamming through the glass. As I moved the larger shards out of the way I noticed a low humming and I knew somewhere an alarm was blaring. 

I pulled the jacket back on, setting the two hip plates in concealed pockets made for just this purpose. I slid the pants down to my knees to secure the thigh armor before redoing the pants and moved the lower leg to fix the shins and knee piece in place. All finished you couldn’t even tell there was extra bulk. We should have paid the tailor more. 

I smoothed the jacket hoping I didn’t look disheveled as I grabbed the few pulse rounds that had sat neatly next to where the armor had been. I shoved them in my pocket before running to Cara. “Let’s go.”

She followed behind me as we made our way back to the main halls. “Paz, we’re out, best escape?”

“You got about ten on you now, best bet is to get as quickly to the event and blend into the crowd. I’m on my way, get out during the distraction.”

“Copy that.” We made our way back as fast as we could listening for any commotion and changing course accordingly. Suddenly something came to mind, “Wait what distraction?”

I got no response.

“Paz!?”

Still no response as we rounded a corner and a blaster bolt rang out, I dropped to the ground narrowly missing it as Cara took out the lone guard. With no time to waste I sprung to my feet as sprinted to the hall. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d be able to get out of this alive.

We crashed through the door not even thinking of the attention we’d bring to ourselves, it didn’t matter anyway since as soon as we entered the glass wall shattered sending sharp glass fragments on the guests. People began to scatter and I recognized the distant click of heavy blaster cannon fire.

I looked up to see the blue armor spraying fire on the frantic crowd. Goddamnit Paz. It was stupid to make himself a target like these but we couldn’t waste the oppurtunity he gave us. The wave of people ebbed and flowed, pushing at each other despite the fact Paz had only killed the armed guards, most of his fire went straight over their heads.

More guards flooded in from the doors at the back of the hall, now behind where Paz had landed. A bolt richetted off his pauldron and he turned to return fire. It was then I noticed a guest aim a blaster to his back with a shaking arm. I knew Paz’s back armor was much sparser than the front, even with an untrained eye this man might seriously injure him.

A well placed injury may make it impossible for him to escape. I couldn’t just stand by and watch.

In one smooth motion I used the other weapons on the wall to climb up grabbing my rifle and launching myself off the wall onto a table. I regained my footing, loading and fired the weapon in no time whatsoever. The man was a pile of dust in less than a minute. 

From my position I took out a few more guards until I loaded the last shell I had in the weapon I went to take aim and as I skimmed the crowd my scope fell on Cartic who instead of fleeing like the rest of the crowd just looked straight into the weapon. My finger twitched over the trigger but I found I couldn’t kill him, not like this. 

All night he’d been teasing that he knew more than he was saying. As much as I hated it he had more connections in this world and he may be my last chance to find the rest of my armor after this. I started to lower the weapon and I could see the proud grin on his face. Cara was grabbing at my sleeve.

“Go!” I could hear Paz scream over the blaster fire and I did just that. With the weapon still in my hand Cara and I ran to the exit and shoved our way into the depth of the crowd. As the door was in sight I looked back to see Paz ignite his jetpack and take flight out the broken window.

Good. He’d make it out. Finally we breached the entrance and people continued to run in random directions and it was the perfect cover for Cara and I as we ran as fast as we could to the crest. I could hear blaster fire from behind us and I wondered who was firing at who but didn’t look back. 

Full blown chaos had broken out on the small neighborhood and police speeders zoomed pass sirens blaring. We got pulled into a crowd and were forced to jump over a fence as it was the only way through. I recognized the alley we were in and realized we were only a block or two from the  _ Crest. _

“Are you at the ship?” I yelled into the com.

“Landing now.”

“Be there in a minute.” I grabbed Cara’s hand and pulled her through the crowd sideways. We were fighting the current and just to get people to move out of our way I fired the last round right into the sky. People scattered and we sprinted onto the street and into the port. 

The ramp was open and the engine already glowed orange as we entered and before the ramp was even closed behind us we were lifted from the ground. Moments later we were out of the atmosphere and preparing for lightspeed. 

Cara and I tried to catch our breath as I collapsed on to the built in bench letting the rifle rest on my lap. It was close there for a moment but we did it.

We made it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW sexual assault **
> 
> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> So this is a looooong chapter lol. like over 6k so. I hope you enjoy and thanks everyone for your comments and kudos and over all support for this story. I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested in this and now its 70K words and that largely thank to you!
> 
> So again thank you!  
> Cork

_Three months ago._

_I checked the address I had been given again; not sure I was at the right place. The number over the door was correct but it just looked like a rundown apartment building to me. I’m not sure what I expected, it’s not like I’ve ever been to a whorehouse before._

_Would there be a sign? Should there be a sign? Why was I even here? Because some drunk old man said there were rumors about something to do with a Mandalorian and this brothel?_

_It was a pretty vague lead but after a month searching, I was getting desperate. I’d found the Razor Crest in a junkyard a few weeks ago but still no sign of the beroya. It didn’t make sense. He loved that piece of junk. He would never go off world without it._

_Then again what do I know. Clearly, he’s not the man I used to know, working with the empire still infuriated me despite the fact he made it right by saving the foundling. Regardless, our vode had died protecting them which would have been unnecessary if he had any morals to speak of in the first place._

_When the man had first told me the lead I had thought, no he wouldn’t, but now I’m not so sure. Din Djarin wasn’t that young soldier anymore. No matter how much I wished he was. I wasn’t even sure why I’d started this crusade to find him in the first place._

_I couldn’t stall any longer standing outside the building. It seemed a good enough lead as any. I’d searched med bays and inns and damn near every cantina in Ord Mantell City. Might as well check the whore houses too._

_The old metal door creaked, and I moved it open on its rusty hinges. It led me into what I assumed would be called a lobby. A guard stood close to the door and nodded as I walked in. Another was stationed at a door near the back of the room that I guessed went to some sleazy back rooms. What could barely be called a bar was being tended by a twilek woman in lingerie._

_The scene made me uncomfortable as mostly men looked over the people working here with predatory eyes. I considered turning on my heels and leaving instantly. I rarely backed down from anything but just the smell of the place made my stomach turn. A disgusting cocktail of cigarette smoke, cheap liquor, sweat and sex._

_I swallowed heavily trying not to think of it as I awkwardly approached the bouncer. “Mando, what do you want?”_

_“What?” I asked confused and embarrassed by the uncertainty I rarely heard in my voice._

_The man nearly my height rolled his eyes. “Preference? Male or female?”_

_“Umm.”_

_He narrowed his eyes at me, “If you’re here to collect a bounty you’re gonna have to leave. We’re strict when it comes to the discretion of our clients.”_

_“No. No I’m not a hunter. I’m just looking for someone.”_

_“Like I said, we're a discreet establishment.”_

_I found his insistence of anything somewhat legitimate about this place comical. “Wouldn’t be a client. At least I don’t think so. I’m looking for another mando. Silver armor. Just under 6 foot.”_

_He was typing away on a data pad. “You’re the only mando I’ve seen here in the last decade.”_

_I sighed. “You sure?”_

_“Positive.” He answered not looking up and took a sip of a drink._

_Another dead end I guessed. Despite my growing discomfort, I found myself scanning the room. Something about this place had my instincts alive. Something about it felt... right. Not right, but on track._

_“You’re gonna have to leave if you don’t buy-“_

_The distinct sound of a slap pulled my attention from the bouncer. A man with short wavy hair dressed in only a robe and some very small shorts leaned from his stool at the bar._

_“You need to learn to watch that mouth of yours.” A well-dressed man shaking his hand said. He stood close to the stool basically on top of the man, ignoring his pained position._

_The working man didn’t say anything, but blood was trickling through his fingers. I looked at the bouncer expecting him to do something but instead he just looked back at the data pad. I clenched my fist as I looked back to the bleeding man._

_He spit some blood onto the filthy floor and more dripped out as he caught his breath. I couldn’t help but notice how thin he was. He looked sick, nearly starving. He spit again as blood still trailed down his face but this time some splattered on to the man's pants._

_Without saying a word, the ‘client’ grabbed the man by the throat holding him at an awkward angle with his back arched over the bar._

_Realizing no one was going to do anything I crossed the room in three strides and pulled the piece of shit off him. Throwing the man to fall on his ass in a heap on the floor._

_“What the fuck!”_

_I ignored him as the other man tried to catch his breath pulling his robe over his shoulder where it slid off. “Are you okay?”_

_His eyes were wide from shock but nodded yes._

_“Can you get me a rag?” I called the bartender and she eventually listened, throwing a stained rag at me. It’d have to do. I moved to hold it to his face, but he flinched away. I held it out to him. “Here. Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”_

_He still didn’t say a word as he grabbed the rag and dabbed at his bloody lip. He had these deep brown eyes that I couldn’t look away from. They were expressive, captivating me in their sorrow. The sight of this man beaten, and starving made my blood boil._

_“Can I see?” I asked keeping my voice calm and ignored the conversation behind me as the angry client yelled at the bouncers._

_He pulled the rag away and tilted his face so I could see the side he’d been struck on. His lip was split and still oozed some blood lazily. A red mark was forming and rising on his cheek. It didn’t look too bad but what concerned me was the healing bruise under his eye covered by an off shade of makeup. A cut mostly healed on his other eyebrow._

_It was obvious the man was routinely beaten, and it was then I knew none of these people were here by choice. I guess I should have assumed as much but I would have rather not considered that possibility._

_“Just a split lip. Can I see your neck?” I tried to sound friendly, but I doubted anything about me came off that way. I towered over him and glared down through the dark visor. Even my low voice came distorted through the modular._

_He stretched his neck anyway, showing me. It seemed fine. The bone in his neck hadn’t broken so his vocal cords should be undamaged, and it didn’t seem like he had him long enough to cause bruises. I wondered why he refused to talk but didn’t ask._

_“Looks okay.” I wasn’t sure what to say. What to do. I didn’t want to leave him or for that matter any of these people here, but I didn’t know what other choice I had. “Are you sure you’re okay?”_

_He nodded again. Pulling the robe tighter around him avoiding meeting my visor with his eyes._

_“Okay mando. You need to leave.” The bouncer placed his hand heavily on my shoulder. “Now.”_

_I grabbed his hand, twisting it so it was behind his back painful. “Aren’t you supposed to be protecting them! Why aren’t you doing you’re fucking job?”_

_The man hissed in pain and the second bouncer stood a safe distance back clearly not concerned about his coworker’s safety._

_“Ahh. Ah. He paid.” He winced as I tug harder. “Ow. Fuck. It’s not our business after they pay.”_

_I wanted to snap the man's arm like twig but let go of him roughly instead. The man held his arm to himself stretching his shoulder out. “Go!”_

_I rolled my eyes behind the visor. The client looked smugly at me as if he was somehow in the right here. That was the last straw for me, and my body felt red hot with anger just begging to pounce on the man._

_I feigned calmness as I passed him to walk out but before doing so, I sent my boot out using all my strength to stomp on the side of his lower leg. Forcing the middle of the bones to the floor despite the resistance. With a loud crack and scream he went down, leg bent in a completely wrong place. Just a hint of jagged white jutted from his ripped skin and muscle._

_The bouncers went immediately to him on the ground. I pulled some credits from a pocket and threw it on the ground by the three frantic men._

_“There. Now I’ve paid.” I turned and left slamming the weak door behind me. At least the man wouldn’t have to deal with that asshole for the rest of the night._

_It didn’t seem like enough but at least it was something. The night had fallen heavily, and the street was dark except for lights flicking through windows and flooding from doors. The exchange had exhausted me, and the thought was making my way back to the shipyard felt far too tasking._

_I decided instead to stay in the first shitty inn I saw. It looked nearly as run down as the brothel both inside and out. However, the man working was friendly as he led me to my room and brought food for me._

_I tried to relax as I ate the mediocre food with only my helmet removed. I found I wasn’t as hungry as I had previously thought. The events of the evening kept running through my mind as I tried desperately to think of some other solution._

_I didn’t find any, but I couldn’t get past it either. I set the food aside pulling off my armor piece by piece setting them on the bed. I’d clean them tonight to get out of my own head._

_Before I did though, I leaned against the wall by the window pulling the tattered curtain back to see the street below. The inn was only just across the street from the brothel and I stared at the backlit curtains and groups of people going in and out._

_I thought of that man again. I wondered if he was still okay. If that mark on his cheek had turned purple. If he’d even been given time to ice it. I hoped he wouldn’t get in trouble for my outburst._

_There was something about him I couldn’t quite figure out. Why hadn’t he spoken? Why had he listened to me at all? He seemed like he wanted my help but why?_

_He was probably just scared. That had to be it. Terrified by the attack and my violent interference. I remembered how he’d frantically covered up his shoulder. There was something there on his skin. A cut maybe? A bruise?_

_No, it was a tattoo. Crisp black writing. I tried to focus on it. It looked new that I remember. Still dark black, no fading or wavy lines. What had it said?_

_I couldn’t remember. Something in Mando’a but I could remember the words._

_Mando’a._

_It was in Mando’a. Why wasn’t it in basic?_

_My chest rose and fell quickly. There was only one explanation. No. That can’t be it. Mando’a wasn’t completely unknown. Other people knew it._

_Something had to exclude the possibility I couldn’t even bring myself to think of._

_I started with his hair. Brown. Wavy. Kind of long. That fit but many people have brown hair._

_His height. I thought back. He was shorter than me, probably close to 6 feet. Okay so not disqualifying but also not rare._

_His eyes. Dark brown. Expressive. It’d been years since I had seen his eyes but for some reason the image that came to mind was the teary-eyed boy in the red tunic I comforted when I was young. He had the same shade. That same sadness in them. My heartbeat too fast in my chest._

_And lastly his voice. He hadn’t talked. Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe he was mute. No, the well-dressed man was mad because he had apparently mouth off to him. That left one explanation._

_I didn’t talk because I would have recognized his voice._

_Din. Fuck it was Din._

_Something deep in me unwilling to accept it argued that maybe the man was just too frightened to speak. That could be true, but I couldn’t ignore that instinct I felt._

_Or that in a brothel where there’d been rumors of a Mandalorian that a man would have a Mando’a tattoo, fits Dins description and not be him. That seemed much more unlikely._

_But surely, he couldn’t be Din, right? He couldn’t be the man that provides for his tribe so fiercely. The man who’d risked everything for a child. The man that made me a knife and fought with me and held me through my nightmares and who always gave a levelheaded opinion. The man I made love to. The man I wanted to marry._

_I couldn’t pull my eyes from the window. I must have stood there for over an hour. I could go back but I doubt I’d be let in tonight. I’d go tomorrow during the day and I’d get him to talk. It was the only way I could be sure._

_I felt like I was on watch duty, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so why not watch. I considered using the thermal tracking in my helmet to see if he was safe, but I was too cowardly, afraid of what I’d see._

_Maybe I should just go for it, kill everyone there. The bouncers, the owners, the clients and just let all the workers go. I doubt that would work. A bounty in each of their heads and being Ord Mantell, probably Black Sun as well._

_No. That’d be too dangerous. I had to wait this out._

_The night past that way, watching shadows pass behind windows and counting the people going in and out of the door. Except the man whose leg I broke no one ever left injured and I didn’t see any workers leave the building at all._

_I wondered if they were ever allowed to leave. Had he been trapped in that building for weeks? How long had the Crest been abandoned? How long did it take me to search the city? Was he there that whole time?_

_I didn’t want to think about it. He’d be safe soon. I’d get him out somehow. I told myself that about a million times before finally the sun rose. The bouncers left and if my count was correct only two clients were in the house._

_A few more painful hours pasted with no change and I knew now was my time. In record speed I armored, paid for the room and was out the door._

_I didn’t hesitate this time and swing the door opened easily. A new bouncer stood by the door and the room was nearly abandoned, only one ‘couple’ sat at a table. The man was not there._

_“Hey! No, you’re the mando from last night, aren’t you?” I looked at the bouncer who was beginning to shoo me from the room. “You’re banned. You need to leave.”_

_I threw a sizable bag of credits at him. “I need to see the man from last night. What’s his name?”_

_He looked through the bag and relaxed back where he was standing. That was easy at least. “Which one?”_

_“Brown hair and eyes. Tattoo on his shoulder. A ‘client’ attacked him last night.”_

_The man was counting the money and I tried to keep my temper under control. “Yeah, yeah, sounds like Kuiil, he’s always pissing someone off.”_

_I didn’t recognize the name, but I doubt he would have used his real name. “Well then can I see him?”_

_He whistled to the other bouncer and the man moved to us lazily. Both men were significantly smaller than last night and guessed there wasn’t as much action during the day. “Kuiil’s not with anyone, is he?”_

_“Nah the last guy left hours ago.”_

_My body tensed up and I tried to remember the faces of each person that left round that time. I didn’t want to think about what was actually happening here if the man was Din._

_“Well can you get him?”_

_“Yeah. Yeah.” He walked away into the back door and the tension in my muscles made me feel like jumping out of my skin. I had been waiting for hours at this point and I just needed to know already._

_“Go sit over there,” He said putting to a table with mix matched chairs against a wall. “You’re stressing me out.”_

_I wanted to argue but I couldn’t find the energy, so I just sat where I was told. I was terrified of what would happen next. What if I was wrong? What if I was right?_

_I wasn’t sure which would be worse._

_I turned when I heard the door open to see the man saying something to the bouncer, but I couldn’t hear. Eventually the bouncer pushing him roughly towards the table and he shot a glare at the man who was supposed to be guarding him._

_For some reason as he approached, I felt the need to stand and motioned for him to sit before doing the same again. We sat a moment in silence. He had on more makeup but the deep red almost purple mark on his face still shone under it. “Are you feeling better?”_

_He laughed a little, but it looked like tears were in his eyes. I swallowed not sure what to say. I needed him to say something._

_I wanted to just come out and ask him, but I felt like that would shut everything down instantly. He seemed so far out of my grasp, it was unsettling to look at a man I knew so well and have no words to comfort him._

_“I was hoping you could help me. I’m looking for someone and I think we both know these bouncers aren’t the brightest.”_

_He just looked at me straight on but didn’t show any indication of even hearing me. He looked at the curtained window, the light of the sun could just barely be seen._

_“Do you want some food?”_

_He shook his head no. I sighed._

_“When did you last eat?”_

_He shrugged. I was getting nowhere._

_“That man didn’t come back did he?”_

_He looked at me this time before shaking his head._

_“Does that happen a lot?”_

_Another shrug._

_I sighed heavily._

_“That tattoo on your shoulder.” His eyes looked frantic. “What does it say?”_

_His eyebrows were pulled together, those eyes almost scared. I wanted to tell him I’d never hurt him._

_“It’s Mando’a of course but I didn’t see it long enough to read it.”_

_His chest rose and fell too quickly to be natural, I was frightening him, but I needed to know._

_“I only want to help. I think my friend’s in trouble.”_

_He snorted as a single tear fell from his eye down his discolored cheek. “You can’t help him. Best to forget about him.”_

_The pain that ran through each vein from my chest was excruciating. I lowered my voice. “Din.”_

_He stood. “My name’s Kuiil.”_

_I stopped myself from reaching out to grab his wrist. “Please just sit with me. I’ll get you food, whatever you want.”_

_Those deep brown eyes looked me over considering my offer and I though he might leave. Finally, he sat back in the chair, “Buy me a drink instead.”_

_I wasted no time calling the bartender over, Din ordered something strong and dark and I got nothing. “I can get you out of here. Please just let me help.”_

_He took a long drink. “I have a debt Paz, it’s not that simple.”_

_“What is it? I’ll pay it.”_

_“With what money? The tribe’s?”_

_“You earned almost all of that money; some can be spared to help you.”_

_“It’s not worth it.”_

_“You’re dying here, Din, I think that’s worth it.”_

_“That’s not your choice to make.” He finished the drink in one long swig before standing. “Now, I have a debt to work off. Don’t come back unless you intend to pay for the time you’re wasting.”_

_“Din...” There was so much I wanted to say. So many things I’d never said to him. Ner verd’ika. Ner cyar’ika._

_“Just leave. You’re just putting me in more danger being here. Tell them I’m dead or I left the creed or both. I don’t care. Just never come back here. Please, Paz just forget I exist.” He turned walking back to the door. “That’s what I do.”_

_I felt tears gather at the bottom of my helmet. Din. The only man I ever loved. He didn’t deserve this. He was a warrior. A Mandalorian. Hell, he was a fucking person. I refused to forget him. I refused to pretend he’s dead._

_No. Din Djarin would live again even if I had to resurrect him myself._

The familiar hum of hyper speed was enough to finally relax me. Somehow, despite all odds we’d survived. And not only that but I had more armor and even my rifle. My hands ran over it absently enjoying the well-worn surface and the small divots from hard fought battles. I knew where each one was.

It kept my mind off everything that happened. Just like with the Alor, I don’t think it hit me yet. Of course, I’d been terrified at the moment. The way his hand had groped down my back, the doubt he tried to plant in my mind, the crushing grip on my hip, it seemed surreal. I had to remind myself it had in fact not been a nightmare. 

For some reason he still thought he had a claim to me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around wanting that kind of control over someone. Wasn’t it enough? Weren’t months of beating and raping me enough? Why did he still want more? How could someone be so possessive of something they could never own?

It baffled me and terrified me at the same time. I had hoped the nightmarish version of him that haunted me was simply fear but it seemed Cartic was just as horrible as I could imagine. And worse of all, I may have to make some compromise just to return my beskar.

I pushed the idea of my future failures from my mind as my legs finally felt strong enough to stand. Carefully, I pulled each piece from their hiding places and inspected them. It’d be nearly impossible for them to get damaged in such a short time but still, looking them over, holding them in my hands was calming as I placed them on the bench.

Just as I finished, I heard the clank of Paz’s boots on the ladder as he climbed down to the main level. Cara had already changed and wiped the makeup from her face, she paid us no attention as I turned to look at him.

That amazing blue armor under the ship lighting was incredible. He was all strength and warrior and manda’kar. Someone I should not have the privilege of witnessing. All at once, everything Cartic said to me came crashing over me.

I wasn’t sure my legs could hold my weight as I nearly ran to him, lifting off my feet to wrap my arms around his neck. Those hands, those amazing, calming, gentle hands pressed into my back.

“Cyar’ika? What’s wrong?” The fear in his voice was evident and I heard the soft noise of his helmet removing. “Are you hurt?”

“He was there, Paz. He was there.”

Through the armor I could feel his chest tense and shift before he asked the question he already knew the answer to. “Who, verd’ika?”

I couldn’t make myself say it yet and instead held him closer, Paz did the same nearly crushing me into his chest. “Cartic. Cartic was there.”

With out a word he set my feet firmly on the ground and looked over me, those large hands covering my shoulders. “Did he hurt you? Are you okay?”

“Just a bruise. I’m okay,” I felt almost like I was being interrogated.

“He touched you?”

I felt the blush in my cheeks afraid he was disgusted by the fact Cartic’s hands had been on me. “Just grabbed my hip. I…I couldn’t get out of it.”

Before I could explain anymore, Paz pulled me back to his chest, cradling the back of my head in his hand. I relaxed into it, glad that uncertainty hadn’t been real. I didn’t understand why I still doubted from time to time. He had said otherwise over and over again and yet each time I’d get afraid he’d be mad at me for what Cartic had done.

“Why isn’t he dead?” Paz’s voice was lethal, and I tensed against him.

But before I could answer Cara did. “We needed to keep our cover. That was the mission.”

“Your mission was to keep him safe,” Paz was nearly yelling now. “It seems you did a piss poor job of it.”

“I got us out! I got us the armor! All you did was make us blow our cover!”

“I kept you from getting killed! Neither of you- “

“Stop it!” I pushed back off his chest. “Fucking stop it!”

Both of them were perfectly quiet as they stared at me. Paz tried to approach me with his hands out probably assuming I was having an episode not even considering how what they were saying affected me.

“I’m not a fucking child!” I spat out at both before turning to Paz, “Cara did what I needed her to, we got the armor and my rifle! Her mission was to be _my_ backup, not my babysitter.”

He just watched me; his eyes blown wide as if I was a feral animal. I didn’t care. I moved closer to him.

“You wanna know why Cartic’s not dead?”

There was a spark of anger behind his gaze.

“Because I didn’t kill him.” I watched him bite his lower lip, “I had him in my scope and I didn’t fire!”

“Why not?” He managed through tightly clenched teeth. It was almost fascinating seeing the anger play on his face. Sure, I knew how his shoulders tensioned and voiced dropped but I hadn’t seen the expression on his face since we were children.

I was just as furious. Sucking in my lips and leaving nail marks in my palms. Part of me warned against getting too angry but I pushed it aside.

“Because it was my call! He’s our only hope to find the rest of my armor after your stunt mowing down the whole event!” I turned away from him, shaking out my arms. “You don’t think there’s cameras? You don’t think they know exactly who I am already? I had to kill to save your ass and they know that. Our choices are Cartic or starting over!”

I was satisfied when he looked away, clearly knowing I was right. Paz’s voice was low as he spoke to the ground, “You should have killed him anyway.”

“You don’t think I wanted to? I…” I trailed off. My voice going weak as the tears were hot in my eyes.

When he looked back to me his eyes were soft. A concerned pull of his brow, “Din.”

I shrugged out of his touch before climbing the ladder to the cockpit. I couldn’t stand there anymore; I couldn’t explain this to him. Paz acted with emotion and passion first, I could recognize when leaving an enemy alive was useful. All Paz saw was how they wronged him.

I busied myself inputting unnecessary calculations the auto pilot had already done, anything to keep my mind of this night. It had been a disaster. Everything that could have went wrong did and now when all I wanted was to relax and I had ruined that as well.

I wanted the peace that fell over me when he held me to his chest in his sleep, but I couldn’t get over what he said. He had acted like I couldn’t defend myself and went straight to blaming Cara. It hadn’t been fair, and I couldn’t just let it slip by.

Still I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to talk about what I’d just done but I didn’t want to be alone either. My thoughts were too shuffled up to make sense of anything. Once again, I’d let Cartic get under my skin and even worse I’d turned that anger on Paz.

I tried to remember how Paz said I was improving but that seemed like the opposite now. I couldn’t forget what Cartic had said, if I knew he loved me why hadn’t I told him everything? Couldn’t I just be happy for a little while? Why couldn’t I just have the bliss of ignorance?

I let out a shaking breath, because it was dishonest. Everything Cartic had said was true. There was a time I had truly…liked him. There was a time I believed he’d help me, I used to be happy to see him. Before he got violent, he’d been nice. I thought I could trust him, but it was all just a lie.

And what he’d said about me…enjoying it hadn’t been untrue either. I hadn’t wanted it. I hadn’t but my body seemed to react anyway. I had never understood why, and I couldn’t now either. Just the thought made my skin burn red in shame. I certainly couldn’t tell Paz that. What would he think?

Despite my fear of Paz’s opinion of me, he was all I wanted. Even mapping out these frantic, toxic thoughts felt easier when I could just lay my eyes on him. I should apologize. I hated thinking of him fuming mad at me for what I’d said.

I was about to build the courage to talk to him when I heard two knocks on the door frame. I turned to see Paz seeming small in the doorway with a glass of water. “Um, I just wanted to bring you some water,” He walked to me and grabbed it from his gloved hand. “I’ll…I’ll just go now.”

I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was until then and took a long drink before clearing my throat. “You can stay, if you want?”

He nodded before sitting in the third chair. Neither of us talked but I was just happy to know he wasn’t still mad.

“Din. I’m so sorry.”

I turned the chair to look at him.

“I should have trusted your vison. I just… fuck I want you to be safe and I hate the thought of that asshole being alive.” He took a deep breath trying to calm himself. “But you’re right. I wasn’t thinking, we may need him.”

“Paz.”

“I know. I get too protective. But the thought of him getting to you, bruising you, and I couldn’t help you, it tortures me.”

I leaned forward to get his attention. “No, Paz, I was about to come apologize to you.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

I sighed. “Well, I’m sorry I freaked out anyway.”

“I deserved it. I was being a dick.”

I laughed a little, feeling the tension drain from me just slightly. “Can we stop fighting now?”

“Of course, cyar’ika.” We both knew there was still more to talk about but for tonight it could wait. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I took a deep breath and long sip of water. “He came out of nowhere and I just froze. I didn’t know what to do. At first, I tried to get him to leave, pushed his hand off me, told him to fuck off, but that just made it worse.”

“I should have been there,” There was still anger in him, but I could tell it wasn’t directed at me.

“No. That would have been even worse,” Paz raised his eyebrows at me in question. “He… he kept asking about you. Saying you’d have so much in common and shouldn’t you be watching over your property. All this shit.”

He bit his lower lip again, fist clenched tight. “I would have fucking killed him.”

I smiled a little. “I know. He was just trying to get under my skin.”

“You said something about a bruise, how’d that happen?” He sounded more concerned than angry now and I was a little relieved.

I looked down at my hands, “Well, after shrugging him off he was pretty pissed and grabbed my hip hard.” I looked up remembering all his threats, “He said he was going to kill the child and me.”

“Din, look at me.” He was leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, those dark eyes serious and open. “I will not let that happen. I will die before I let that happen. Whatever happens I will do everything in my power to keep him and you safe.”

I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t even begin to vocalize the massive emotions that swelled through. The security, the love. It was too much for me to express. Stuck not knowing what to say or do I just held the intense eye contact he started and let myself relax under his reassurance.

Eventually, he leaned back in the chair, “Can I see the bruise?”

I swallowed, a little nervous but walked towards him anyway. I hadn’t actually seen it yet and I almost wondered if there’d be one. I’d look pretty stupid if there wasn’t. I pulled the shirt up to my waist and I could hear Paz let out a small breath, but I still didn’t want to look.

His thumb ran lightly over my hip bone and I finally got the courage to look. There was a large red mark, part of it had already started turning purple. I hadn’t noticed how bad it was. I remembered his grip being tight, but this looked like I’d taken a strong blow.

Paz still looked over the area and I wondered what he must be thinking. Finger marks clearly spread from the many area; it was clear evidence of Cartic’s control of me. I looked away, not wanting to see the phantom hand on my skin.

He must be disgusted. This reminder of everything that was done to me. How many days would his mark be on me? Weeks at least.

I was expecting him to push me away but instead he leaned closer and I could feel him leave a small kiss to the burning bruised skin before pulling me to hug around my waist. My arms wrapped around him with out even thinking about it holding his head to my chest.

He pulled back to look up at me, “Din, none of what he did changes that I love you.”

My tongue didn’t seem to work, somehow, he knew exactly where my mind had gone to in those few moments. Suddenly the stress of this whole event took over me and I just almost let myself fall into his hold. Without a second thought he pulled me onto him, draping my legs over the arm of the chair, my face in that spot his neck met his chest.

Paz said nothing as he let me cry quietly into him, he calmly rubbed a hand up and down my back soothingly. Cartic had threatened my whole family, said he’d kill everyone I loved, told me to my face he’d kill my child. And I had to just let him live. He put his hands on me and whispered more lies into my head and I couldn’t kill him yet.

That was what made all of this so horrible. I let him live, he saw me let him live. All I could think about for weeks were the different ways I could kill him. I ‘d wake from nightmares and calm myself with gory details of bashing in his head or torturing him or stabbing him over and over intentional missing any lethal injuries. I imagined watching him bleed out as he begged me to let him live. And then I had him in my scope, I could have ended it all and I didn’t.

Cartic still controlled me and that was what destroyed me the most.

I just hoped it wouldn’t be for long.

Paz held me close to him, protective and solid, and I let myself believe one day soon this would be over.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Hey everyone we are getting close to an ending and I'm panicking a little lol. Sorry I missed monday's update but I had to take a day where I didn't write at all (the first time I've done that since starting this) so I could come back to this fresh. I'm really excited for the next few chapters and I hope you like them too!
> 
> Thank you  
> Cork
> 
> P.S. I work 8 days in a row starting tomorrow so If updates are late this week that's why!

We had spent the morning packing up the few possession we owned. Despite Paz and I having almost nothing but bare minimum clothes and weapons I still found we had a few bags of belongings. With one last check I made sure I had not left any of the baby’s prized toys or blankets. I had already checked more than once, and I was decently certain that I was just stalling at this point.

I knew we had to, but I didn’t want to leave Nevarro yet. Paz and I had almost made claim to Cara guest room, but she refused to take credits for all the nights we stayed there. I had needed the rest being here gave me. We spent most days in the common house, Paz taking over some of the bouncer duties as payment for Greef babysitting since he also refused any payment.

The week passed easily that way and I could see how happy the child was here. It wasn’t exactly kid appropriate, but I think after everything he’d been through it didn’t really matter all that much. In a weird way he had become entertainment to the guild hunters as they waved and gave him food, laughing and talking to him. He always had a way of capturing everyone’s attention anywhere he went.

I sighed. But now we had to leave, we were putting the whole town in danger staying here this long. With the bounties still on our heads, a long with probably a few new ones, we couldn’t stay in any one place for long. Sooner or later someone would come for us, the safest thing for everyone was to stay on the move.

I never used to care about the constant traveling but now it just seemed taxing. I’d spent my whole life bouncing from one place to another and I was starting to think I finally wanted to settle. At least for a little while.

“I think we have everything, verd’ika.”

I looked back to see Paz in the doorway of the room. I had already cleaned it, the worn bed made neatly, the little chair sat to the side, the curtains pulled shut. “I know, just needed to check one last time.”

He walked over to me using my shoulder as an arm rest and I shrugged him off jokingly. “Cara’s gonna walk with us to the ship, Karga tried to give us more jobs again.”

I rolled my eyes; he’d be trying all day. As much as I appreciated the work, we needed to lay low for a while. Even hunting could make us a target. “And the baby?”

Paz wrapped his arm around my waist as I still stared at the room, “Cara has him. He’s saying goodbye to all his new friends.”

I laughed thinking of the hardened hunters wishing farewell to the baby. “Well, I guess-“ I noticed a small shine on the floor where a beam of light had slipped through the curtain. Under the bed I reached for it and felt the smooth metal. I recognized it immediately, the Mythosaur pendant. I let it drop from my hand holding it by the leather strap to show Paz, “See, I knew we were missing something.”

I slipped it into my pocket, and it seemed to almost have a weight to it. I couldn’t keep my mind off it as we met with Cara and made our way back to the _Razor Crest_. I had to remind myself that this was the right thing to do. I knew I couldn’t put Cara and Greef in danger any longer.

The ship sat out in the open just outside the city walls, at this point there was barely even reason to secure it, everyone here knew us or at least knew not to mess with Karga. After the battle I’d started here I thought I’d be run out of town. I think the only reason I wasn’t was because of the baby.

“Well, we’ll be here when you need us,” Cara said resting her hands on her hips.

I pulled her into a one-armed hug since I was holding the baby, “Thank you again, Cara, for everything. We’ll contact soon.”

She pulled me a little closer a moment before leaning back and tapping her finger to the baby’s impossibility small noise. He let out something between a giggled and a coo. “And you be good, you little womp rat.”

He sunk his head into my neck laughing, once again glad he was the center of attention. Cara held her hand out to Paz, but instead he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. It took her a moment to recover from the surprise before placing her hands awkwardly on his back. “Vor entye, vod. Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah of course.” She responded as they separated, and I realized now was the time we actually had to leave. “You better get going.”

I sighed. “We’ll talk soon.”

She wore that side smile, “Talk soon.”

Our steps echoed on the metal ramp and I wondered where we’d end up this time. I didn’t like leaving this little home of mine behind. After the past few weeks, it had been the perfect distraction to keep my mind off all that had happened. Part of me was terrified to be trapped on the ship again. I just hoped this’d be over soon.

***

After almost a whole week in hyperspace I was starting to go crazy. Everything felt tight and I would kill just to stretch my legs. I had even started joining in Paz’s small workout routine just for something to else to do during the day. It had been more than a little embarrassing, but I could already tell I was getting stronger.

We still had no leads on my armor and no destination whatsoever to speak of. We were simply wandering aimlessly, and it just felt like a waste of time. There’s only so much you can do to fill the time and my mind had started to wander.

My nightmares had seemed to get worse every night. New images haunted my dreams, thoughts of Cartic following me my whole life. I’d watched myself spare his life over and over again and all I wanted was to get on with my life. But instead we were trapped here on the ship.

I had started fantasizing about how amazing it would be to breath unrecycled air or get fresh food again. We had run out of our stores a few days ago and I’d never admit to it but now the ration bars and field rations I used to live on left me unsatisfied. The baby had just about thrown a fit every time he had to eat now.

So, we decided something had to be done and tomorrow we were finally going to land. Do a small supply run and hopefully sleep somewhere other than the Crest for a night. I was embarrassingly excited to get off the ship for a little which had led me to the small storage room across from the cockpit.

I knew somewhere in this mess of junk was a strap I could use to fasten my rifle to. I had maybe gotten a little fixated on this want to carry it again. Of course, it was a great weapon but more than that it felt like an extension of me, a connection to that past that I could reasonably indulge. With nothing else to do I became obsessed with finding a way to carry my rifle once again.

I didn’t even have a clue what all was up here. Some parts, fabric, random other things. I set the baby down on a blanket with some of his toys as I went to search. With Paz in the cockpit I couldn’t trust him alone down there. He didn’t seem to mind as he held the silver ball to his mouth.

After searching through about half of the crates and finding nothing I looked over to check on the child only to find the cyan blanket abandoned. For a split second my heart skipped, and I listened carefully. No sounds of a struggle, no crying, only the tousling of the washing machine and the hum of the engine. The fear instantly set in until I reminded myself, he had to be in this room or the cockpit, he was fine, just deciding to play his new favorite game.

The past week or so he’d been doing this, I’d turned my back on him and he’d hide waiting excitedly for me to find him. It gave me a heart attack every time, but I guessed it was a good skill for him to learn. A few minutes could be life or death in a serious situation and if he’s first instinct was to hide, well then, I couldn’t be too mad at him.

I let myself calm down a moment. “Alright, here I come,” I announced into the seemingly empty room keeping my voice from getting shaky.

Listening intently, I made my way back into the mess of crates and boxes. I could hear the rumble of the washer below us, the hum of the engine, and some soft movement from deeper in the room. He had gotten rather good at this game and I found myself smiling as I silently moved towards the movement. “Where are you hiding, ad’ika?”

I heard a small coo towards the back of the room and turned sideways to sneak into the narrow passage between the boxes. It took some carefully maneuvering to stay quiet in the tight space, but I managed decently well. Finally, I could see just the tip of a green ear peeking out from behind a crate but just as leaned down to grab him, he ran out of my reach behind the box and towards the front of the room.

“You little womp rat,” I called out realizing he’d somehow tricked me as I now had to move slowly to catch up to him again. I could hear his quiet little laugh as I lost sight of him again and found myself laughing along with the ridiculousness of him trapping me.

Once I’d awkwardly made my way back to the blanket at the doorway, I realized it had been moved slightly from before. He must have disturbed it on his way to cockpit and I hurried after him. At least Paz would keep him from crashing the ship, however he would also probably help him cheat just to see me get more and more worked up.

I kept my eyes low looking for any movement at his height. The cockpit unfortunately had plenty of hiding place for him and he’d mastered crawling into seemingly impossibility small spaces. There, one of the small compartment doors close to the floor moved and in one quick motion I opened it and scoped him up.

“Ah I got you,” I was overwhelmed by the joyous laugh that erupted from him as I tossed him lightly in the air. “See you can’t hide from me, ad’ika, even Paz couldn’t help you cheat this time.”

I was still laughing as I held him back to my chest and he collapsed his head onto my neck. My heart swelled at the happy little noises he was making. It was only then that I looked to Paz and noticed he was wearing his helmet. I was about to ask why when I noticed the small blue hologram of a fully armored Mandalorian on the communicator.

“Osik, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” I said as I began to leave suddenly remembering what I was wearing. All I had not currently being washed was my last clean pair of shorts and the sweater Paz bought me.

“Wait, Din,” Paz called, and I turned back to look at him and he motioned me towards him with a tilt of his head. It was then I took a longer look at the person and I knew I recognized the armor, but I couldn’t exactly figure out where from. I lingered a moment before deciding to stand to Paz’s side. He placed a calming hand on the small of my back. “Tylo, you remember Beroya Djarin, right?”

Of course, Tylo, Paz’s older brother. I’d rarely spoke to him on the account that he was nearly six years older than me when we were growing up and as an adult, he took the position of the Archivist. Anytime I saw him he seemed to have his face in a data pad, he always seemed too focused to interrupt.

“Of course. It’s good to see you’re well.” He answered and I silently thanked Paz for his introduction.

“You as well. I was relieved when Paz told me you and your family were safe.”

“Yes, we were very lucky.” I tensed a little knowing his family had only been put in danger because of my actions. I was going to apologize but he spoke before I could. “And is that your ad?”

I looked down at him in my arms, attempting once again to climb up to my shoulder. I realized I must have been moving around to keep him from falling, it had become such second nature to me I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it. “Yes, he is.”

“Well hi there little one.” He said with a wave and the baby cooed happily back, “Oh gods you are just the cutest, aren’t you?”

He laughed as the baby cooed back to him happy to have everyone’s attention once again. I felt the tension in me grow as I knew I had interrupted their conversation. Paz would never admit it, but it was clear there was a reason Tylo called and I had made the conversation awkward.

“I better get him some food before he throws a fit,” I said excusing myself, but Paz still looked at me in a way that said I didn’t have to. I didn’t mind though; I understand the need for him to have this conversation. “Ret’uryce mhi.”

“Elek, ret’uryce mhi.”

Paz ran his hand over my back and even with the helmet on I knew he appreciated the gesture. It truly didn’t seem like anything to me anyway, if what was said was important, I knew he’d tell me. As I walked away, he grabbed my hand and I squeezed it back in reassurance.

I closed the door behind us as I sent the child down, “We’re gonna leave Paz alone for a little okay?”

He tilted his head as he looked up at me.

I sighed. “Do you want to hide again?”

Excitedly he grabbed at my leg and I wondered how he seemed to understand some things and not others. He certainly understood we were playing his favorite game again.

“Alright, alright, go hide.” I closed my eyes and placed my hand over them, I laughed as I could hear the little pitter patter of his steps back to the storage room.

It was then that I noticed I could also hear the conversation on the other side of the wall I was leaning against.

“…knew you were travelling with him, but I didn’t know… What happened?”

My heart hammered away in my chest and I knew I shouldn’t violate his privacy, but I needed to know what he’d say.

“Well, its not my story to tell, but I can say it was against his will and… it only got worse for him after that.”

“How’s he holding up?”

“I mean as good as can be expected. He’s strong, he’s working through it.”

“And you?”

“I can’t say it’s been easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He was nearly dead when I found him, and it was so hard to watch. I made some stupid mistakes but seeing him heal and become himself again has been the best thing to happen to me.”

“The Alor said she had spoken to you already. What did she say?”

“A bunch of osik, basically, he needs to return his beskar to the forge, no room for question as usual.”

“What did you expect, vod?”

“Some reason for one. He’s spent his whole life providing for the tribe and now when he needs them the most, they throw him to the side. It’s ridiculous.”

“Well you certainly know how to carry a torch, Paz.”

“It’s different this time.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I just want you happy.”

“I am happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Tylo, I love him, he loves me. How can I not be happy?”

“Does that mean you’re going to finally fulfill that promise you made buir when you were 16?”

“15. But yes, I hope so.”

“Have you thought about what that means for you? In the tribe I mean.”

“Yes, and my mind was made up long away.”

“Then I wish you all the luck. And Paz, no matter what happens you’ll always be ner vod’ika.”

“Vor entye, Tylo.”

“Now, about Ryla. She’s about to…”

“Buu!” I looked down to see the baby staring up at me with his little forehead even more wrinkled than usual.

“I’m sorry, ad’ika, go hide. I’ll come this time, promise.”

He looked at me a little suspiciously before turning and going back to the room. I made sure not to listen this time as I waited maybe a little too short of a time before following him. “Here I come!”

My mind tried to work through everything I’d heard, it wasn’t necessarily anything Paz hadn’t said to me, but it was different hearing him say it to a third party. And his brother no less. I knew they had always been close; Paz wouldn’t lie to him. I tried to figure out how I felt as I search behind boxes and crates.

Tylo hadn’t been surprised by anything Paz said, in fact he seemed to already know about Paz’s feeling for me which seemed to make me a little uneasy. Did they talk about me often? When was the last time they talked about me? And Tylo hadn’t question Paz’s decision to leave, which seemed strange to me.

The Vizsla’s are fiercely loyal, shouldn’t he have been shocked Paz would leave the tribe behind on such an impulsive decision? Shouldn’t he have been mad Paz would trade their position in the tribe to be with someone like me?

Hearing Paz say so many kind things about me had me a little giddy, but I just seemed to have more questions. Ones I couldn’t ask unless I wanted to out myself. I tried to push the uncertainty from my mind as I attempted to focus on the game. I didn’t want to let him down again.

With everything storming my thoughts I found it hard to remain the stealth I was usually so skilled at, instead I found myself knocking into crates. After each noise I could hear the small sound of footsteps and I again wondered how he got so damn good at this game.

I took a deep breathe and let myself focus solely on making as little noise as possible. It helped slightly and I was able to keep my mind off the conversation I overheard, as I continued to move and listen. Apparently, I wasn’t as focused as I thought as I jumped feeling small hands grab my ankle.

He was incredibly proud of himself at winning the little game and I couldn’t help but play along. Making a bit of a fool of myself as I dramatically fell to the ground, “Ah you got me.”

My little display only had him laughing harder as he climbed over me excitedly. I tried not to think of if I’d ever cleaned this floor as I laid back on it. His little hands slapped on my chest truly enjoying his victory.

“How’d you become such a good hunter, ad’ika?” I asked.

“Buu!”

I laughed back at his expression, now using my face to hold himself up, “Yeah, you got me.”

It was easy to let everything else in my life fall to the side. It was easy to think of nothing else but sharing in the baby’s happiness as he grabbed and slapped lightly at my face. His pure laugh melted everything negative away for a moment. Nothing else really mattered as long as I could keep this little being living and happy. If I could do that everything else would just fall into place.

“Paa!” I stretched my neck back to see Paz standing in the door, wonderfully not in his helmet.

“And what happened here?”

“Oh,” I let out as the baby stepped in my neck before running towards Paz who leaned over to pick him up. I started sitting from the cold floor. “More hiding. He won this time.”

Paz laughed. “Did you best your buir, little one?”

The baby ran his hands over Paz’s face as I stood and wiped whatever dirt and dust had been transferred from the floor. A rare weighted silence fell between us and I wasn’t sure how to break it.

“Did you find the belt?” He asked. It was clear that there was more he needed to say.

“No. Didn’t get to do much looking though.”

He hummed in response.

“So, what did Tylo want?”

“Oh, nothing really, just checking in,” He was looking down at the child in his arms.

I gave him a look, “We both know we don’t just call to talk when the covert hasn’t been established.”

“It’s nothing.”

“What is it?”

He sighed. “He wanted to ask me if I would like to come to Ryla’s swearing.”

I tried to remember what age his niece was, but I couldn’t, “Isn’t she too young?”

“Turned 18 last month, going to swear the Creed as soon as they return to the covert.”

How was that possible? I remember when she was born, one of the few non foundling children in the tribe. “Osik, we’re old.”

Paz laughed a little. “Yeah, well, I said I couldn’t go anyway.”

“Why not?” I looked at him confused. I knew how much he adored that girl and I could just imagine how proud he was of her and his brother.

“Things aren’t really in a great place and I’m not sure if I’m even welcome at the covert.”

“You mean if I’m welcome.”

“Din,” He started stepping closer to me. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Then we’ll go together.”

“Din.”

“She said I’d remain a friend of the tribe. I doubt they’d not let me in, if I can’t go to the actually ceremony that’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

To be honest the thought of going back to the covert again terrified me but I knew Paz would regret it if he missed this and I didn’t want to keep him from his family. “I’m sure it’ll be… awkward, but yes, I’m sure.”

I watched as his whole face lit up, he would have never admitted it, but he obviously wanted to go. I found myself smiling along with him as well. He held me to his chest tightly, “Thank you, Din.”

“Yeah, yeah, you better tell Tylo we’re coming.” 

With the baby still in his arms he left back towards the cockpit. I wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but I found myself kind of excited to return. I’d at least have some good news, most of my armor was found. Not to mention this may be my last chance to contribute to the tribe in some way.

And seeing Paz with his family would certainly be worth any discomfort I’d feel. He deserved it after how much he’d sacrificed for me. I could do a few more days in hyperspace for that. He’d given up so much for me, done so much for me, I’d never be able to repay him, but this seemed like a decent start.

I opened a crate and there on the top was the belt.

The covert frightened me but this time I knew I could do it, after all we were just wasting time anyway.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Thank you all so much for your patience with me. I certainly underestimated how exhausted I'd be after working 8 days straight. I know this is super late but I'd literally get home and have no energy to do anything so I'm very sorry but I really like this chapter and I hope you do too! I should be back to normal schedule this week! (Mon, Wed, Fri)
> 
> Let me know what you think  
> Cork

I woke from another nightmare gasping. Sweat stuck to my skin. I still wasn’t completely sure it was a dream. My hand wrapped around the hilt of the knife I kept under my pillow; it was calming as I reminded myself where I was. The dim light over the doorways of the ship cast a yellowish glow through the cabin. I felt the drumming of Paz’s heart against my back, his arms held me tight to his chest.

I let myself take a few deep breaths that way. It had just been a dream. I hated these dreams. Foggy images of helmets, fights, and skin still played in my mind. I tried to calm myself listening to the small breaths by my ear. I was safe.

Regardless of Paz’s presence, the fear held tighter. It didn’t help that the ship was silent, I always struggled to sleep without the lulling noise of the engine. We were currently somewhere in the Oosalon wilderness. I didn’t care that we were in the middle of nowhere, a landed ship was never fully safe.

I snuck my way out from under Paz’s arm and he stirred as I stood as quietly as I could. My back cracked as I stood with the blade still in my hand. I’d barely noticed it as I stretched, I wondered how many more years I could get away with sleeping on just a tiny sleep roll. If the stiffness in me now was any indication, not much longer.

The metal floor was frigid from the cold air of the outside world as I moved to the sleep compartment. Before opening the little door, I pulled the knife behind my back making sure not to frighten him if he was awake. With the quick press of the button the door opened, and the small bundle laid undisturbed.

He was completely wrapped in blankets just as Paz had tucked him in when we put him to bed. Finally, I found my breath come back to me naturally. I had nothing to be afraid of, he was safe, Paz was safe, I was safe. That’s all I needed.

I would do anything to keep it that way. I would do anything to keep my family safe and together.

I wasn’t sure when I’d finally come to terms with what had inevitable happened. Maybe it was just now. I remembered last night putting the baby to sleep, Paz getting him an extra blanket as the cabin was already getting colder. The two of us laying down on our little ‘bed,’ the way he held me like he always did. How our hands wondered, and we laughed and joked and made love. How we’d not even bothered to throw on more than shorts despite it being so cold. Maybe it was how I woke from my nightmare with him still holding me.

Maybe it had been showing Cara his face. Maybe it had been his love for my child. Maybe it had been the red line of dried blood on my thigh. Maybe it had always been this way.

My thoughts came easy through the tired fog and I was glad I didn’t have the energy to argue with them. I looked over to the sleep rolls, Paz was on his back. In the low light I could make out the crown of dreads on his pillow, that small curve where his strong chest met his toned abdomen. His chest rose and fell with his shallow snores.

I closed the little door, I didn’t want to wake the baby, but I couldn’t quite get myself to come back to Paz’s warmth either. The nightmare still lingered, and the exposure of a grounded ship had my tensions high. Instead I sat on the cold floor and leaned back against the wall in such a way that I could see both potential entries.

It was a spot I knew well. I had slept here often before getting dehelmed when it was just the child and me. I could keep him safe from anything here. The icy metal actually grounded me and as I leaned my head back on the wall, I held the knife to rest on my knees. Already I could feel the sleep creep back over me.

I had no idea how long I drifted in and out of the ocean of dreamless sleep. There’s a certain sleep that only finds you when you know you may wake to a battle. A warrior’s sleep. A soldier’s sleep. A Mandalorian’s sleep.

“Are you trying to freeze to death sleeping like that?” I had the knife up as soon as he spoke. Paz smiled down at me from where he was standing a safe distance from my reach. I lowered my knife and he stepped a little closer holding my cloak in his hand and a blanket around his shoulders, “You okay?”

I let my head lean back on the wall, “Just get nervous when were not in hyperspace.”

“I know, verd’ika. Can I join you?”

“Of course,” I answered without thinking.

“Move up.” I cocked an eyebrow at him which earned me a little laugh. “Come on, scoot.”

I laughed myself and moved forward having no idea what he was doing until he sat behind me stretching his legs out and pulled me back to sit between his opened legs. I let myself lean back against him and he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders to cover me as well, before using my cloak to cover our legs. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I was surrounded by his blanket warmed skin. 

He leaned forward a little to nuzzle his face in that spot where my neck met my shoulder, his deep inhale made the small hairs on my neck stand up. Paz left a small kiss there before leaning back against the wall and draping and arm over my chest. His other hand rested on the handle of a blaster I had noticed he had until then.

I thought I might cry; he must have known I’d want the safety of a weapon. He must have seen me asleep with a knife in my hand and thought well I better bring my own to join him. The thoughtfulness of it, the unquestioning commitment to my anxieties was soothing. Instead of question or shaming me he simple accepted I may need help. If I sat guard at the child’s bed, Paz wanted to sit guard with me.

“Get some rest, cyar’ika,” His voice was already sleepy and thick.

“Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum,” I was surprised that mine was as well.

His arm tightened around me, “Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum.”

This time when sleep came, it was heavy and restful. I could share the burden of our security. I could simply sleep.

****

The trek through the Oosalon hills was agonizing, I wasn’t quite as cold this time, but I wasn’t sure if that was really any consolation. Since we knew we’d be here for a few days at least, we knew the _Razor Crest_ needed to stay hidden. So, with it tucked into a tree lined clearing we left for the near day long hike to the small village.

Even the small road into the town was snow covered and my legs ached from the constant resistance of it. My boots had soaked through within the first hour and I was getting certain my feet would be frozen by the time we got to the covert. Despite all this discomfort at least the baby was asleep bundled up in the birikad against my chest.

“You warm enough?” Paz asked and I hated the way his voice sounded through the modulator. I had the thick sweater on and the hood of the cloak up over my head, my gloved hands pulled it over to cover the baby and myself.

“Sweating, actually,” I responded through my labored breath. Fuck, I was out of shape.

Paz laughed, crackling through the speaker. “Yeah same. Think we only got like another hour though.”

“Wonderful.” I quipped back. The hour couldn’t have possibly passed slower and of course the baby had started to stir, probably from the awkward movements I was making through the deep snow. But finally, on the horizon, we saw the streams of smoking chimneys mix into the mountain landscape.

Despite leaving in the morning, the sun had nearly set, and the bright light blinded me as it glistened off the snow that covered every surface. I never liked snow, it made everything so much more difficult. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could stand to live in it year around.

As we finally got to the border of the village, the snow was packed firmly muddy and mushy from dirty boots and trash from the small homes. I don’t think I realized how poor the little settlement was last time we were here. The cramped houses were barely holding themselves up and I couldn’t imagine they’d be much relief from the biting cold wind. People sat around small fires in the street, adults and children alike huddled and freezing.

It was just another reminder of what the Empire did to this galaxy. Come to a small nearly lifeless planet, make the desperate residents mine it dry before abandoning them to die here. I wondered how many families had been plucked from there homes to work those mines with no way back.

I hoped against hope that maybe the covert would help in some way but, how could they? Their numbers were even fewer, and they had only just rebuilt. And to add to all that they didn’t even have a Beroya yet.

Guilty, I tried not to think of it as we moved our way further into the village where the homes at least looked stable. Finally, we were back at the old gate into the caves. We moved through it unceremoniously, after all it wasn’t either of ours home.

Knowing the covert sat deep in these tunnels made me feel like a trespasser, I wasn’t supposed to be here. The others may be mad I’m here. Would I even be allowed to go to the swearing? Would Tylo let me?

I looked to Paz who seemed to fill the space easily as he always did. He always had that air to him that he belonged, even when he didn’t. The only time I’d seen him look other wise was at the brothel. How his shoulders had been hunched and defeated as I left him at that shitty table.

I shook the memory from my mind. Paz hadn’t said anything about what Tylo’s response had been to us coming, to me tagging along. I wondered if it was because Tylo didn’t want me there. Vizsla’s were passionate, quick to ignite. Yes, Tylo had been fine with us being together when I’d overheard the call but me attending his ad’s swearing would be something else completely.

It’d probably be better if I simply didn’t ask to attend. It would be weird, but I doubt it’d be anymore awkward then being the only naked face in the crowd. I hated being an outsider in this community that was once all I had. And just to make it worse, I still held the beliefs so fiercely that in a way I felt like an outsider in my own thoughts as well.

I spoke the language, I carried the weapons, I thought like I warrior. I wish I could let it go from myself, but that seemed impossible. The Mandalorian culture had been my easiest security my whole life. It had given me a community and a purpose but now I had neither of those.

No. That wasn’t entirely true. I had the baby, my hand rested protectively over the warm body pressed to me. He gave me purpose; one I didn’t think I’d ever have. Of course, like all Mandalorians I valued the importance of children, but I never expected to have one of my own. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be a very good father. I’m still not sure if I am but I’m doing everything I can and that seems like a decent start.

Paz thinks I’m a great buir, he says it often. The first few times he said it he sounded shocked and I wondered if I should have been offended, but I would have been surprised too. Paz’s nature with the child had been no surprise to me though. He liked to play this faceless character of strength and power, but in reality, he’s only ever been kind.

I took a calming breath; I wasn’t as alone as I often thought I was. I may never be a Mandalorian again, but I have a lot more than I thought I’d ever have. We were almost there, and I feigned confidence as we approached. There was no use in them seeing me upset.

Paz rested his hand on the small of my back. “We can leave if you want to.”

I sighed. I couldn’t do that to him even if I were truly that uncomfortable. “I’m okay.”

“You sure?” I just wished I could hear the complexity of his voice instead of the flat sound through the helmet.

I leaned a little against his side. “Positive, just nervous.”

“Me too.” He straightened a little but left that heavy hand on my back.

I found it strange that it had never bothered me when he had done it. Many clients used to use the same gesture to show their claim or to lead me where they wished or simply to touch me. I used to jump out of it each time, having to will myself each time to relax even though every previous experience warned we otherwise.

Yet, when Paz started doing it, I found myself leaning into the touch. Now it calmed me more than almost anything else. I let myself relax into it now, regardless of what happened these next few days I knew he’d be by my side.

“Olarom, vode!” The voice calling out from the dark of the tunnel made me jump. It was maybe a little louder than it needed to be, and it echoed through the space. I knew immediately it was Adrala, she must be one of only a few soldiers if she was on guard again. I tried not to think about how many sacrificed themselves for me. “Alor’ad Vizsla…B-Djarin, glad you’re both safe.”

As we finally got close enough for me to see in the unlit corridor, I realized there was another Mandalorian with her as well. I couldn’t remember his name, but I remembered him as one of the young solider recruits and I couldn’t understand why they’d have two watch outs on one entrance when their numbers had decreased so much.

“Su cuy’gar. Vor entye, Verd.” Paz voice sounded just as confident and commanding as always.

“I’ve came to show you your living space by direction of the Alor.” She explained and my heart raced at the thought. She had specifically set aside space for Paz and made a point to see that he saw it. Her intentions were clear, Paz needed to remain with the tribe.

Paz didn’t skip a beat, “I am sure we can stay with my brother.”

Adrala shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Those are my orders, Alor’ad.”

“Well there will need to be room for my Cyare and his ad.” I could hear the challenge in his voice, the anger that teased to erupt under his professional demeanor.

Now my heart really hammered in my chest and I looked over to the stern helmet which did not leave eyesight with the Mandalorian’s in front of him. Announcing me as his Cyare could have serious consequences for him and for a moment I wished he wouldn’t have, but the thought fled quickly leaving only pride in its place.

Before, any relationship between us could be written off as rumors but now he was saying to the whole tribe that he respected me despite what happened to me. Despite the fact I am Dar’manda. It didn’t matter to him. I let it not matter to me for a moment as well.

Adrala bobbed her head a moment, uncertain, until she turned and led the way through the unfamiliar covert. “W-we may need to find another place for you. The compartment only has one bed.”

“No, that’s fine,” I could hear the smirk in Paz’s voice, and I had to hide my own smile as she stiffened slightly.

“Oh, we will need a crib though. If you have one.” I spoke for the first time and I think I saw her jump at the sound of my unfiltered voice.

“Yes, of course.” She answered as she guided us further into the settlement. They had gotten quite a lot done since we were last here. There were more than one common room completely with a training gym for public use. It was smaller than the one on Nevarro, but it seemed like more than enough.

Once again, I could feel the eyes of every person on us as we passed. I couldn’t blame them. We were quite the spectacle, the baby’s green ears peeking out from his blanket cover, Paz with his hand on my waist and me, dehelmed and a reminder of what was lost. I couldn’t help my mind from wondering what they must be thinking.

Probably something about me being a traitor, a coward, bad luck for the tribe, I couldn’t imagine any of it being good. No one said anything but I knew they would be as soon as we were out of earshot. Paz looked entirely unbothered and I tried to follow his lead, but I doubted I held myself with the same self-confidence he did.

After a few very long minutes Adrala stopped in front of a modest door. “These are your quarters, Tylo’s next door. I’ll bring the crib shortly.”

“Thank you, Adrala.” Paz answered as he reached for the door.

I wasn’t sure what possessed me to speak but I needed to. “C-can you see if the Alor will meet with me?”

I could practically feel the rapid turn of Paz’s head towards me, it had been something I’d been thinking about for the last few days, but I had yet to mention it to him.

“O-Of course.” She answered.

“Vor entye,” I said before realizing I probably shouldn’t speak mando’a and my ears felt hot. I half expected her to scold me.

Instead she reached out and gently place her hands to my arms. “I’m really glad you’re here, Din.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice and before I could say anything else, she walked back down the corridor into the heart of the covert. I let out a sigh, trying to calm myself but it didn’t help.

The door opened, showing the small compartment. A small table was on one wall next to what may be able to pass as a kitchen. On the other side was a desk with a small chair and some storage built into the stone wall. Two doors were on the back wall, one to the bedroom and one to the fresher.

It was small, modest, but then again everything about our culture was. There was no use to waste resources on something as trivial as comfort. This would do the job perfectly, especially if it was made with one person in mind.

Seeing what was supposed to be only Paz’s home made me a little uncomfortable and it wasn’t just from the bare furnishing and blank walls. In the tribe’s mind, I had been written out of this story. This space was just another place I didn’t belong.

At least Paz looked a tiny bit unsure of himself as well as he set down the bag he’d been carrying and unstrapped the large weapon from his back. I lingered in the doorway watching as he stretched out his back and looked around the small space.

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. The baby was restless, but I seemed a little too frozen in place to do anything about it for a moment. Paz was certainly inspecting the storage by the desk despite everything being empty. Eventually the baby’s little aggravated sounds of being strapped to me pulled his attention.

Of course, instead of asking what was wrong he simply helped. He pulled his helmet off and worked silently to get the baby out and placed him on the floor before taking the small bag I was carrying and placed in next to his.

“This doesn’t change anything, Din.”

“She’d not going to keep letting you blow off your duty, Paz.”

With gentle hands he pulled the cloak off my shoulders and shook off the snow that had collected on it before hanging it on a hook by the door. “She’ll let me finish this with you.”

“And after that? After I return my armor?”

“I’ll do what I can for the tribe and for you,” Paz grabbed my hand and led me to sit in one of the hard chairs. He kneeled in front of me, so he was eye level with me, “But to be honest, Din, you come first for me.”

I felt that urge in me again to fight him, to feel guilty that Paz would consider putting me in front of the whole tribe, but I recognized that those thoughts weren’t fair. I could not make up Paz’s mind for him, if that was how he felt it was his choice and not mine. I had to come to terms with that. I also had to come to terms with the fact that it was calming to know he felt that way.

“I’m sorry, this space its…”

“I know, verd’ika, but this isn’t my home. Not without you. I’d much rather sleep on the floor of the _Crest_ for the rest of my life then sleep in that bed alone.”

I grabbed his hands, a little overwhelmed with the happiness surging through me. It wasn’t a lot but with my recent realization of just how much he meant to me, it felt like we were on the same page. I didn’t want to be without him, and he didn’t want to be without me.

I took a deep breath, “So your Cyare?”

“I’m sorry,” He dropped his head a moment. “I didn’t mean to make that decision for you I just got terrified they were going to separate us and…and I panicked.”

I found a laugh past my lips and both of us seemed equally shocked by the noise. “I’m more than happy to be your Cyare, don’t apologize.”

Paz raised his hand back up to meet my eyes and I felt my affection for him swell as he sent me a shining smile. Gods he was so beautiful. “And I’m ecstatic to be yours.”

I knew I was smiling back at him as he grabbed me around the waist as he stood pulling me off my feet. It was childish and silly, and I was giggling like a fool as he placed me back on the ground. A little screech pulled more laughter from me as the child wobbled as fast as he could to us and reached his little arms to Paz to lift him too.

In one movement he bent down and tossed him lightly in the air much to his delight. I just watched the display for a moment until Paz seemed a little exhausted and held the child to his chest who immediately started climbing his armor.

I sighed. I knew what needed to be said but I also knew it’d break the moment. I was nervous but I had to do this for Paz, he’d done so much for me the past few months. “We should probably go say hello to your family, huh?”

Luckily, I was reward with another amazing smile. “I’d love that.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Hey everyone, this chapter took me quite a while but I wasn't happy with it and had to keep tweaking it but I think it turned out really great! I know I keep saying I think I'm almost finished but they everything now needs to be so polished that it's taking longer than I first thought. Any way we're definitely going to be over 100k when all is said and done.
> 
> Hope you like it!  
> Cork
> 
> PS the random song of this chapter is 'Waterloo' by Abba. It is literally too perfect, I mean love song about a battle, HECK YES!
> 
> PS hope to update Monday

_“Paz, eat your food.” My buir’s voice pulled me from the thoughts that had been clouding my mind since sparring practice earlier. “What’s wrong? I usually can’t get you to stop eating.”_

_“Nothing,” I deflected as I started eating._

_“I heard he got his ass kicked in sparring today,” Tylo added._

_“Shut up!” I yelled back._

_“Tylo watch your language. Paz it’s okay to lose from time to time no reason to be upset.”_

_I wasn’t upset about losing, I lost fair and square, I just couldn’t stop think about that boy that beat me. When the instructor paired me with him, I thought for certain he was being cruel to the boy, he was two years younger than me and much smaller. I was sure I was going to win easily._

_However, I had vastly misjudged him. He was fast and stronger than he looked, not to mention extremely smart. He seemed to know my next move before I did and very soon after we started, I was on the ground with him pinning me._

_He’d won 3-0, I’d never lost all three rounds. He was incredible. I wanted to be that good, that smart, that fast. I don’t think I ever could be, but I wanted to try and if that led to more time with the boy then so be it._

_“Who beat you, Paz?” Her voice pulled my attention back to the current conversation which had apparently continued without my knowledge._

_I suddenly realized I hadn’t asked his name, I should have. He had reached down the last match and helped me to my feet. ‘You’re a good sparring partner.’ He had said and it may have seemed taunting if his voice hadn’t been so genuine._

_“The Beroya’s son. I don’t know his name.” I answered absently._

_She raised an eyebrow at me for a moment. “Din is his name. He’s much smaller than you.”_

Din, _I made sure to remember that name. “I know but he’s fast. Outsmarted me easily.”_

_“Is that why you’re so quiet? Trying to think of ways to outsmart him?”_

_I let myself think about that but that wasn’t what had my mind racing. I didn’t think I could outsmart him, but I didn’t care. Why didn’t I care? I usually hated losing. “No… I don’t care that he beat me.”_

_She set her utensils down, a small smirk on her lips, “Why not?”_

_“Because he’s too good. But he was nice when he won, he didn’t rub it in or brag. He told me I was a good partner and helped me up. I want to fight him again because I think he can help me improve and I… I had fun.”_

_I didn’t know why, I never had fun when I lost but I had. I had enjoyed trying and failing to see his next move. I had liked when I’d gotten the upper hand for a moment and watching the clever way he maneuvered himself out of my strength. It was amazing and I couldn’t get the thought of his hand on my arm out of my head. The kind even sound of his voice. How stupid I must have looked not knowing what to say._

_She laughed and I was surprised because I felt so thoroughly confused. What could possibly be so funny? “What?”_

_She contained herself for a moment. “Do you have a crush on him?”_

_I felt heat in my cheeks. Tylo had had a few girlfriends recently, but I had never really been that interested in anything but training. A few of my classmates had been caught kissing and such but I never quite got it. I thought back to the boy, to Din, I had looked for him at lunch to see his face. How I couldn’t focus on my own hunger as I looked over his dark features. How I hoped to get a better look at his eyes, but I hadn’t. I grew even warmer realizing that she was right._

_“Ohh, Paz has a crush,” Tylo teased in a high-pitched voice and I punched him hard in the arm, but he just kept laughing._

_“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about Paz,” Buir reassured, ignoring Tylo._

_“He’s the best in our class,” I answered, feeling like I needed to explain. He was also the youngest, just pulled up to our level but that didn’t seem to matter._

_“I’m surprised,” She spoke taking a sip of the water. “You’re usually so competitive.”_

_That was one of the ways he was better than me, he won with grace. I always got too excited and mean even when I don’t intend too. Din could have bragged, taking me down like that but he hadn’t. He ignored the other students congratulating him and helped me instead._

_“I’m fine being second to him.” I blurted out and was immediately embarrassed._

_Tylo’s laugh was silenced by a look from our buir, but I knew he’d be teasing me later. “You really like this boy?”_

_I did. I had seen him around the covert plenty of time with his buir and had never really taken much note of him. He was quiet and reserved, I always felt he was carefully watching though. I felt bad now that I had never approached him, even at lunch earlier he sat with some other kids, but he didn’t seem to talk at all._

_I wanted to hear him talk all day. I wanted to hear him laugh, had I ever seen him laugh? I was going to make him laugh. And I was going to be his friend. I was going to be more than that to him. I was going to… I was going to…_

_“I’m going to marry him one day.”_

_This time I was certain the rush of blood could be seen even through my dark skin. Tylo coughed a little and just stared at me._

_Buir looked at me for a minute with a weird expression on her face, “Well you better start with asking him his name, ad’ika.”_

I tried to fix my hair in the mirror to no avail. The snow had made it wet only to dry again with a weird kink in the waves that I couldn’t get to smooth down. I’d even tried wetting it again and still no luck. I was getting stupidly frustrated over something so small.

I shook it out with my hands and sighed angerly before catching Paz’s reflection over my shoulder in the small mirror. “What?”

He smiled wider than the little grin that had previously been on his face. He was still in all his armor but had left the helmet off as the child, and to a lesser degree, me cleaned up. “Nothing, cyar’ika, you look fine.”

“I can’t get this piece to stay down,” I said resuming my compulsive fussing.

“Your hair looks fine and you look great as always.”

His reassurances didn’t stop me, “I’m being weird, aren’t I?”

Paz shifted the baby in his arms, “No but I can tell you’re nervous.”

“I just want to make a good first impression.”

“They already know you, Din.”

“It’s different now.”

“It isn’t.”

He was wrong, it was. For one, they would actually be seeing my face, seeing the real me, and no matter what they would be judging me based on that. Tylo knew Paz’s feeling for me, and I needed to live up to the person Paz saw me as especially if they thought he would leave the tribe to be with me.

How could I live up to that? What about me could they see as worthy enough to leave everything behind? I had failed as a Mandalorian and now I’d be taking down Paz with me.

Before I could spiral any further, Paz moved closer behind me leaning to rest his chin on my shoulder. I tried to relax into him, but I still felt tense. “Did I ever tell you how nervous I was meeting Cara?”

“You didn’t know she was family,” I responded as I tried not to look over my face in the mirror.

“I know she was something to you,” He laughed close to my ear. “I was actually jealous at first. She knew your name and had your child, I made assumptions.”

I relaxed enough to laugh as well.

“And then as soon as I saw the two of you together, I knew you thought of her as a sister and I was even more scared. I have to admit I’ve been trying to impress her enough to think I’m worthy of you.”

I let my eyes meet his in the reflection, “She likes you, and you’ve always been more than worthy.”

“And you deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. We’re both happy together, so we deserve that. They’ll understand that.”

It sounded simpler than it was in his rich voice. “Mandalorians hold grudges.”

“Tylo doesn’t and neither does Mar. They know when I make up my mind, I make up my mind.” I knew that was true at least, I guessed I might as well trust him, “And for the record I like how your hair never seems to sit right, it’s cute.”

I glared into the reflection, but he only held me tighter and kissed my cheek which unfortunately had me smiling like an idiot back at myself.

“Are you ready?”

This was something I needed to do for him, “Ready.”

In minutes we had whatever the baby would need, and Paz’s helmet was on as we stood in front of the twin door next to Paz’s compartment. The baby looked up at me with uncertain eyes as if he could sense my uneasy, he probably could. I smiled down at him hoping to calm him.

The door whipped open quickly, “Ba’vodu!”

I could barely process what was happening before the teenager leaped and wrapped her arms around Paz’s neck. She was dressed in training armor without a helmet, her long almost caramel brown dark hair fell in tight unruly curls around her shoulders.

“Ryla,” Paz whirled her around once before setting her feet on the ground, not that she was short. In fact, she was probably taller than I was. He left his hands on her shoulders, “Let me get a look at you. Shouldn’t you have stopped growing by now?”

She laughed softly, “I doubt I’ve grown in three months, Paz.”

“Lies, you’re certainly taller.”

I felt a little awkward watching the display, I tried to not to feel like an outsider. It was harder than I expected. Instead I let myself focus on how truly happy Paz seemed. I could see it so clearly in his body language.

The baby made a small coo from my arms and that was when Ryla looked over to us. I didn’t mind that she hadn’t paid us any attention, she was happy to have her family home and it must have been weird for her that I was here as well.

I’d had honestly expected her to go back to their conversation, instead she reached out an arm to me and I clasped it in return. Her light brown eyes seemed to bore into me, and I found myself nervous of what she’d do next.

“It’s very nice to officially meet you, Beroya Djarin. You were a great provider for the tribe.”

It hadn’t been what I expected, and it took me a moment to recover. “I was just doing me job. And let me congratulate you on swearing the Creed.”

She laughed a little, “Thank you but I haven’t quite yet.”

Her smile beamed in a way that reminded me so much of Paz’s when he was young. All teeth and crooked lips. I found myself in slight admiration for this girl, she never knew when her people had dignity. She had growth as a Mandalorian through sewers and the galaxy’s hate for us and yet she seemed lighthearted, joyful. There was a strength in finding the good in a bad situation, I had never possessed that strength. I always held a grudge.

“Ryla, are you going to invite them in or not?” I recognized Tylo’s modulated voice from inside the home as we were shown in.

Unlike Paz’s empty rooms, this was a home. Some beautiful carved knifes were mounted on one wall over a desk and they looked quite old. Instead of the closed cabinet storage in Paz’s they had apparently taken the doors off to display what appeared to be paper bound books as well as a few data pads. On the end of one shelf was a small stuffed jai’galaar toy.

Hung near the modest kitchen were a few skillfully done Plyat bird drawings and one beautiful painting of one on a real canvas. Some one had also painted the Clan Vizsla symbol over the head where the table was. There living space was much larger and seemed more like a traditional karyai. Instead of two doors on the back wall, there were three.

“Vod! Me’vaar ti gar?”

“Naas.” Paz embraced him happily clapping his hand on his back. I had forgotten how much smaller than Paz Tylo was. He was not much shorter, but he was rather thin. Instead of Paz’s bulk he was trimly built but compared to Paz he looked much smaller.

With out missing a beat, Tylo clapped his hand softly on my shoulder, “Su cuy’gar, Din.”

“Su cuy’” I answered still feeling a little strange about the whole situation.

“And I remember you little one,” He said addressing the child in my arms who looked up at his helmed face confused. For a second, he looked between Tylo and Paz before looking up to me with a quiet coo. Tylo laughed. “I know, we look the same, don’t we?”

“Sorry, I don’t think he knows what to do with two helmets looking at him.”

Tylo huffed out another laugh, “No worry. All the children are confused at his age.”

“Is that Paz I hear?” Mar, I knew from the look of her armor alone. She was younger than Tylo, closer to Paz’s age and we use to at least be friendly when we were kids. She was the best marksman I’d ever met and a fierce fighter. I had always admired her skill.

“Mar, Me’vaar ti gar?” Paz asked embracing her as well.

“Jate. Glad you are safe and home at last.” She answered and I felt myself tense wondering if that was intentional or not. “And Din, it’s good to see you.”

“You as well, Mar.”

With introductions out of the way we just stood there a moment not sure what came next. I couldn’t help but let my mind stroll over the thought that everyone would be much more comfortable if I hadn’t come. I should have insisted that only Paz went. I could have stayed with the baby in the _Crest._

“Ppaa!” The baby screamed out breaking the silence apparently finally realizing which of the three Mandalorians were Paz. He reached out his little arms up to him and Paz took him from my arms easily.

“Elek, ad’ika, it’s me.” I was relieved when Paz stayed nearly pressed to my side as the baby happy grabbed at his helmet. The routine of it was calming for me, seeing Paz play with the child reminded me that he wanted me here by his side. I was not as much of an outsider as I felt.

“Well should we sit?” Tylo offered as we moved to the small seating area. I tried to focus politely on the conversation, which was currently on the topic of Tribe politics, but I found myself struggling to find anything to contribute. After so many years spent travelling the covert, I barely knew many of the inner working of the covert, not to mention I felt it would seem rude if I did bring anything up just because of my status.

I had started to zone out, instead focusing on the child who had made his way off Paz’s lap onto mine. Currently he was incredibly interested in the frayed edge of my cloak. I enjoyed watching the confusion and excitement on his face over something so mundane.

“A few people have asked to be Beroya, but no one has officially started training yet. I don’t know what she’s thinking,” Mar said almost uninterested and it pulled me back to the conversation. I could feel Paz tense next to me and I wondered if Mar knew Paz intend to ask as well.

“Well I’m sure she has a reason for it,” Tylo added.

“Of course, but how long can we go with no income, it seems irresponsible.”

While they were clearly not talking about me specifically, it felt again like I was eavesdropping on a conversation I shouldn’t be. Paz’s voiced sound tense when he spoke, “I doubt she is putting anyone at risk.”

I was a little relieved to hear Paz was uncomfortable as well. I thought maybe I should say something, but nothing came to mind so instead I just listened uselessly.

“Most people who have asked though are older, it’d make more sense to train someone younger.”

“I don’t think it really matters,” Paz answered.

“Well it would seem unwise to train someone just to need to train someone else in a few years.”

“Maybe I should ask,” Ryla added and I felt a shiver run down my spine.

“You don’t want that job,” I found myself saying and immediately regretted it as everyone looked towards me. I swallowed, trying to get my bearings.

“Why not?” She asked and she looked at me with her big young eyes and I didn’t know what to say. I thought about how happy this young woman was and I couldn’t help imagining her in a place like Ord Mantell. The galaxy drained anything good from people.

I realized I’d have to explain, “It’s a rough job and the galaxy’s a rough place.”

“I’m a good fighter and tracker, I think I’d be good at it,” she argued, and that confidence reminded me so much of Paz. The comparison only made me more terrified to have her out in the galaxy.

I didn’t doubt her though, I’d only known her for a few short minutes, but I could tell she was a fighter. Smart too, I was certain she could be a successful Beroya, it just simply wasn’t a life I would wish on anyone. Especially someone so young and full of life.

“I think you would too, but it’s not that simple. Travelling all the time, working yourself as hard as you can. The only people you interact with are the lowest of society and through all of it, even if you try your hardest you can lose everything so easily. And before you know it you’re old and have nothing at all.” I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, and I hated the attention. I hadn’t meant to say so much. I hadn’t meant to get so personal and I’m sure they did not care to hear about it. Paz’s comforting hand rubbed gently on my back, “Well… let’s just say it’s a lonely life.”

I felt guilty for the weighted silence that overtook the room and I wished desperately I had just kept my mouth shut. A few moments passed as it seemed I wasn’t the only one at a loss for words.

“You know,” Every head turned to look at Ryla who sat on the hard floor. “I don’t think you’ve lost everything.”

“Ryla!” Tylo scolded but I wasn’t offended by her honest words. It actually was kind of calming, it should have seemed rude, but it didn’t.

I imagined her seeing me in her home, her uncle comforting me, my child in my lap. It had been something I’d been coming to terms with myself the past few weeks. This idea that I had lost one thing did not mean I had nothing. The Mandalorians had been a huge part of my past and my identity but at the end of the day I was more than that.

My whole life I had a tendency of putting myself into neat little labels, orphan, Mandalorian, Beroya, father, slave, but I was more than any of those. And yet I was all of them at once. I lost being a Mandalorian, but I had not lost myself.

All the horrible and wonderful things that had ever happened to me brought me right to this place and if they hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here. My life was my own and I had grown and changed through the years but that didn’t change who I was. For some reason, this teenager’s view of my life had made me come to terms with that fact.

“You’re right. I haven’t.” Once again everyone looked to me and I realized I had interrupted something Tylo was saying to Ryla. I didn’t apologize though, instead, I looked over to Paz’s visor, “I have a lot in fact.”

I could feel something shift slightly in Paz and as always, I wanted to see his face. Grabbing the back of my neck, he lowered his helmet to touch my forehead and the metal was cold against my skin. The gesture was weighted in front of his family, a Keldabe kiss was something strictly Mandalorian, it was yet another way of showing he did not care what happened to me.

We pulled back to find Ryla with a huge grin on her face that made me immediately suspicion. Tylo was leaning in the chair with his arms crossed knowingly over his chest while Mar seemed to be looking anywhere else than us. I found I didn’t really care. We were happy.

Tylo leaned forward, slapping his hands to his thighs, “Well, what do you say we eat? Ryla will you help me?”

She followed him to the kitchen without a word leaving Paz and I across from Mar. I couldn’t tell if she was upset about what I had caused or the fact that I was here. For a second, I didn’t care too much, Paz had his arm around me and the distinct smell of Mandalorian food had overtaken the room.

“Din…” She started before trailing off and I looked up to see her looking less confident than usual. I had known Mar for many years, but she had always been a bit of an outsider, taken in when she was 16 she moved through training quickly to swear the Creed only a year late. Regardless of this, she was never fully brought into a clan, Tylo was the only person I ever saw her actually open up to.

I always felt a little guilty for not trying to be there for her. I didn’t have any obligation to, but I always felt like we were kindred spirits in a way. I could have imagined myself in a similar situation if I had not been taken in so young. We used to spend hours on the range shooting quietly next to each other.

It seemed I somehow had many more connections to the people in the tribe than I ever would have imagined. I always rationalized that I wasn’t around much or didn’t know the day to day but that was a lie, I knew them all.

“I apologize, I did not mean to bring up bad memories. It was insensitive of me.”

The unexpected apology relaxed me. Maybe I wasn’t the villain in the tribe’s mind that I had made myself out to be. “I know, Mar.”

“I know your helmet was removed without your will.”

I lowered my head, “It was.”

“It was wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. I always admired your efforts as the Beroya and as a solider.”

Paz pulled me closer to him and I found myself straightening out. From Mar, that was an incredible compliment and for the first time since being in the covert I felt truly welcomed. I knew we all upheld our values, but someone just recognizing this shouldn’t have happened felt like a weight lifted from me.

“Vor entye.”

She nodded in response just as Tylo and Ryla approached the table with a large tray of different meats and dips and bread as well as a container of wine and I just then realized how hungry I was. The stress of today seemed to keep my mind on only one thing at a time and food had fallen to the side lines.

However, now I was so focused I didn’t immediately notice Paz remove his helmet, and then suddenly I froze. I hadn’t thought about this, about what came next. Paz had had his helmet on when Tylo called which means as far as I knew they did not know Paz had broken that tradition. A sudden spark of fear went through me, this was dangerous for him.

I, at least, was not the only person alarmed as the three of them barely moved as they watched him. I should leave now, that would be the best course of action. Maybe they could excuse him for exposing himself to me since I was outside of the tribe. I could just let them have a family moment. Maybe I was meant to excuse myself?

Before I could make my move, all eyes snapped to Mar as the hiss of hydraulics sounded as she slid her own helmet off her head. With soft eyes she looked to Tylo and he grabbed her hand before slipping his off to rest on the floor next to hers.

I wasn’t sure what had just happened but suddenly all five of use were bare faced and staring at each other awkwardly. I knew this would have probably been the norm if only Paz came but having me in the room felt unignorable.

Paz seemed to lean even closer to me and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how to act after such a thing happened.

“Would you like some wine?” Tylo eventually asked in my direction and I uselessly nodded as he poured me a glass. I wasn’t sure if I should truly look at him. Paz and him seemed more like polar opposites than brothers from just appearances. Tylo’s skin was lighter than mine with shortly cropped dark blonde hair.

It was almost funny watching them together though, so many of their movements and facial expressions seemed mirrored and there was simply no denying they were brothers. Paz took his own glass of wine before feeding some food to the baby as everyone but me seemed to relax into the meal.

They all moved so naturally together, joking and passing food and drink, it looked almost choreographed. A dance they had perfected over years of life, the stage may have changed from time to time, but the dance was the same.

“Would you like some?” Paz asked holding some food up to me with his hand still draped around me.

“Yes,” I took it from him and let myself be introduced into the dance as well.

Of course, the food was spectacular, must be a Vizsla trait, and I took a sip of the wine as Paz poured some more for himself.

“Can I have some?” Ryla asked a glint in her eye.

“I’m not sure.”

“Please Ma,” She begged to Mar.

“We are celebrating,” Tylo added.

Mar took a deep breath, “Fine. One glass, you have to be up early tomorrow, and I will not be bringing my daughter to swear the Creed hungover.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Triumphally she held up her glass to Paz who filled it much more than a glass of wine should be and winked at her. She laughed in response before taking a sip.

“Speaking of celebrating,” Tylo started looking to Paz and I. “When’s the Celebration?”

Paz’s mischievous grin immediately fell.

“Sorry? What?”

Tylo’s own smile dropped, and I could see the blood rush to his face as he looked to Paz, “Oh, shit sorry. Thought you asked already.”

“Nope,” Paz exaggerated with a pop. “Thanks for that, Tylo.”

I seemed to just then catch up to what we were talking about and I turned sharply to look at Paz straight on. “Ask what?”

He looked over to me, a hint of that cocky grin back, “Oh nothing.”

“Oh yeah, of course. Take your time,” I joked back, knowing exactly what he was referring to. My chest swelled thinking about him talking to Tylo about asking me to do the Riduurok for real, the fact that Tylo assumed he already had. Most of all, I found myself grinning ear to ear from the fact that no one had questioned it.

Even I didn’t question it, that made sense. The Riduurok seemed like where we were heading after all and now, his family knew as well. No wonder they hadn’t questioned removing their helmets, they already assumed I was only one step away from family. Just as Paz had said, they truly didn’t care.

Tylo laughed as Paz swatted me teasingly, “I swear, Paz only ever gets shy when it comes to you.”

“I am not shy,” Paz argued back in a way that seemed like this was an argument they’d had many times.

“Of course not.”

“Don’t tease him, Tylo,” Mar added in with a smirk on her face. Her skin was just a shade lighter than Paz’s and her black hair was shaved almost to the scalp. “He has many years of habit to break after pining for nearly 25 years.”

Tylo’s laugh was full bodied as he looked to his wife who still had the same grin on her face. “Yeah, yeah very funny,” Paz deflected but I could tell he was embarrassed as he took a large drink of his wine.

I just smiled up at him, honestly not that surprised it had been that long. “Well, in his defense, it’s been about as long for me too.”

Paz looked satisfied as he looked down at me, a soft smile on his face and I considered kissing him but decided against it.

“Isn’t that worse though?” Ryla asked. “Why not just be together if you both wanted to be?”

I knew all the logical reasons why we hadn’t been together that whole time but instead of voicing them I simply laughed and looked to Paz, “You know, it really is.”

The beautiful smile graced his lips fully and he tapped his glass to mine, “No regrets.”

“No regrets,” I answered as we both took a long drink. It would be easy to get stuck on the ‘lost years’ but they didn’t matter. We were together now, and it was right. Paz and I had been so young when we were first involved and so much happened between us that I don’t think it would have ended up like it is now.

“Love isn’t that simple Ryla,” Mar explained. “Somethings just take time.”

It was worth it, I almost said but decided against it. I was relieved when the tension had all finally seeped away and conversation become light as we continued to eat and drink. Talk moved to the Swearing Ceremony tomorrow and Ryla’s excitement to finally be considered an adult.

She was the only one to swear the Creed this year and it was a glaring reminder of what we’d lost and also what we still had. With the wine in my veins I let myself dwell on being grateful that our culture was still hanging on despite everything that had happened to us. Tomorrow there would be another Mandalorian and that was something to celebrate.

So, we did. In true Mandalorian fashion more and more food was brought out and we ate well into the night. Ryla had successfully debated why she deserved a second glass and between the five of use the decently sized stockpile of wine had been exhausted.

However, by that point my face had become sore from smiling and my eyes had grown quite heavy. Paz seemed to be on the same page as he drank far more than I had and seemed to sway lightly next to me.

Eventually, the topic of how late it had gotten was brought up and we had made our way to say goodbyes by the door. Naturally, that had turned into another half hour of talking. No one was complaining.

The baby was asleep in my arms as we said our last goodbyes until tomorrow. They each hugged me in turn carefully not to wake the baby in my arms in the process. Finally, we were out the door and into the bare compartment that belonged to Paz.

It somehow seemed even colder than it had earlier, however, now a small wooden crib sat in the main room with a note attached.

_Alor can meet at 1000_

_-Adrala_

I found myself nervous as I set the child to sleep, Paz already hobbling to the bedroom leaving armor wherever he dropped it. I had been surprised by the welcome feeling I had tonight, but I had to remind myself once again that it was a passing feeling. I still didn’t belong here.

I was still dar’manda.

“Verd’ika? Come hold me,” Paz’s voice was too loud as he called from the bedroom and nearly woke the baby, but I smiled.

“K’uur, you’re gonna wake the baby.” I responded quietly.

“I’m drunk, Din.”

I laughed as I tried to move the pieces of armor from the floor, stacking them neatly on the table, “I know, cyar’ika.”

“Then come to bed.”

I flicked the lights off as I left the small living space into the bedroom, Paz laid in the small bed in only his shorts. His under armor had apparently been removed with just as little care and was thrown all over the room.

“I was cleaning up your mess.” I teased as pulled off my own clothes. It was so natural for us to sleep this way now that I found myself uncomfortable if I even tried to sleep in pants instead of just my shorts.

“Leave my mess, let’s go to sleep,” His voice was slurred, and his eyes had already closed. Still he held up the blanket to let me in. I crawled in next to him but reached up to untie the small strap of leather his hair was still tied up in. I combed my fingers through the dreads, knowing he’d get a migraine if he slept with his hair up. “Sleep.”

I laughed at the little whine as I settled into him. I wasn’t just welcome here. I belonged here.

****


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode!
> 
> Here we are friends with a date for season 2!!! Just a heads up this will definitely be finished before than so be ready. It'd be even sooner but honestly I'm really loving these little covert chapters and I hope you are too! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Also I don't think I can do more than one or two chapters a week because were within probably last 10 and they're very important and most likely loooong so heads up on that!
> 
> Thanks as always for reading my nonsense  
> Cork

“Djarin, su cuy’gar.”

Despite the use of my last name it felt far too informal for an Alor meeting but then I guess she wasn’t my Alor anymore. “Su cuy’gar.”

“Sit.” She motioned to the small table and I kneeled in front of it as I always did. She placed her tools away and sat in front of me. “You asked to see me.”

“Yes.” It wasn’t a question, but I felt the need to explain anyway. I placed the bag of credits on the table with a telling jingle. “I have credits for the tribe.”

She looked at the bag before meeting my eyes with her visor. “You are not the tribe’s provider. I cannot take this.”

I wasn’t surprised to hear the words, but the sharp sting of pain still coursed through my chest. “No but you don’t have anyone else right now and I’m betting you need money. Reestablishing a covert is expensive.”

“That is none of your concern.”

I tried to relax my clenched jaw but found that I couldn’t quite do it. This was becoming more and more a reminder of what I had lost. Of course, the finances of tribe had never been directly my problem, but they had always been something I had to think of. For decades I had been the only provider of the tribe. I knew how much the tribe must be bleeding now.

“Maybe not, but regardless you still need help.”

She stood to examine whatever she had been working on it the forge. “By your own admittance, you are no longer tribe.”

I felt tears sting in my eyes for a moment. I had said it plenty of times but hearing it from her strong even voice made it far too real. For some reason I thought of Paz. Of his outburst last time I’d seen the Alor. Of his insistence that I was still a Mandalorian. Of how much I wanted to feel his calm presence and his warm hands on my skin.

“Paz is tribe. He helped me with the bounties. Surely you can take it then.” I wasn’t sure why I was even arguing with her. At the end of the day she’d make up her mind no matter my arguments.

“So that’s his plan.” She sounded smug and I felt my heart sink at the idea that I had betrayed something Paz had meant to keep from her.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I could hear the lie in my voice, and I cursed it.

“Sure, you don’t.” I could almost see a vague smile play on her unknown features. “I’m guessing Alor’ad Vizsla plans on asking to be Beroya after some training from you.” She paused. “And I’m sure he’ll also be asking to perform the riduurok with you as well.”

The last part took me a little off guard and I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks. I wondered how everyone seemed to know Paz’s intentions except for me. I mean it wasn’t exactly a secret that the two of us were together in one way or another, but marriage was a whole other place for her to go to.

I was in no way opposed to the idea, but the thought of the Riduurok was what concerned me. Marriage seemed like a natural step for us, but a Riduurok seemed like something I couldn’t take part in anymore and I much preferred not to think of that loss.

“I know nothing about a riduurok.” I answered honestly.

She huffed a laugh. “I’m sure Paz Vizsla has been thinking about it. Would you refuse?”

It seemed too bittersweet. I fantasized about Paz as my husband, sure, but truthfully performing the Riduurok with him seemed impossible. At least in the traditional way it was supposed to be done. If none of this had happened, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it however it had. As the Alor just stated I was no longer tribe. I had no right to make claim to a Mandalorian.

Still, I would, if he asked.

“No. I wouldn’t refuse.” The words slipped past my lips without my consent. They were true but I hadn’t necessarily intended to share that information with the Alor.

“And what does he plan if I refuse?”

My throat felt tight. “Refuse what?”

“His request to be Beroya.”

I didn’t know what would be worse, her refusing to let Paz be the Beroya or her refusing to let Paz ask me for the riduurok. It seemed either way Paz would lose.

I sighed. “I don’t know.”

“You do.”

I did know. He’d said as much multiple times, Paz would leave the creed. Paz would take all he had worked for his whole life and quite literally set it on fire. I felt haunted by the image of his strong blue beskar melting away in the forge.

“If Paz thinks there’s no other way...he’ll leave.”

“And that upsets you.” Again, it wasn’t question. She always had a way of asking questions without actually asking them.

“He was born in tribe. I don’t want him to lose everything’s he’s even known.” The thought of Paz dressed in another other than armor or his under suit was incomprehensible. My mind strained to even imagine it.

“Then you see why he’s upset with my decision to have you leave.”

I wasn’t sure how this conversation had ended up here. “I’ve known many other things.”

“And you’ve lost them as well.” Her voice was matter of fact and the words didn’t sound cruel. She was simply stating fact. Regardless, it hurt to hear.

“I’ve survived.”

“Yes, you have.” She turned from her work when she said it. “And what decision would you make? If you were in my position, if it wasn’t you?”

“I’d make the same decision.” I knew the creed when I swore it and I knew the risks. A code needs to be upheld or it means nothing.

“Are you so certain?”

A rush of guilt washed through me and I wasn’t sure why, but it was quickly followed by rage. Just because I lost my right to claim the Creed as my own didn’t mean I lost my respect for it. Even though I technically broke the Creed didn’t mean I wanted to, it didn’t mean I couldn’t interrupt it in an unbiased way.

“Why are asking me this anyway?” I questioned with more than a touch of annoyance in my voice.

Seemingly understanding my anger, she laid down the tools to focus on me fully before finally returning to sit in front of me. “To be honest with you, Din, I have never had to make someone leave who didn’t want to. I have always trusted your judgement. I merely think you’re harder on yourself than others.”

She sat still as a statue as I tried to find a response. There was a certain fear in me of saying the wrong thing, it wasn’t necessarily unusual during Alor meetings, but it was certainly unsettling. I didn’t think I was being harder on myself than necessary, “I broke the Creed. It’s as simple as that.”

“Yes, however, from your own admittance it was removed against your will. Do you think if someone else was in your position you would feel as strongly?”

“I believe I would.” I have always held the Creed to the highest standards, it is law, and unfortunately it cannot be bent to our will simply because life has been unfair to us. Once again, I’m reminded how truly unforgiving the galaxy is.

She tilted her head breaking the illusion of being more of a monument than an actual person. “I know you are not telling me the full story, Djarin.”

At least that she was correct about. I had only mention that I’d been stripped of my armor and beaten, I had not mentioned being sold, the house, any of it. Honestly, I didn’t feel I needed to retell that part of my tragedy to her. I trusted her, of course, but the Alor didn’t need to know about my abuse, it was irrelevant to me being dehelmed.

“You do not need to tell me why it took you so long to return, but I know whatever happened had to have been horrible and I’m sorry it happened to you.”

I nodded, mostly in shock, as response. She was always caring for the tribe, but she was rarely one to give personal condolences. In fact, I believe the only time I’ve seen her do it was for fallen soldiers.

She stood again from the spot across from me returning to the forge, “You are welcome at the ceremony tonight if you wish to come.”

“Thank you.”

“And thank you,” she added as she continued her work, “For the credits.”

I gave one last nod before standing and leaving the room behind. I took a deep breathe happy that she had accepted the credits. I knew they were struggling even if she refused to mention it and I just couldn’t stand the idea of the tribe going without because of me.

As the morning had started to seep into afternoon, the hall and common rooms became populated with more and more people. Because of the swearing tonight, only the most essential of jobs had to be done leaving most people with a day of relaxation. There was an intoxicating excitement in the air and even the stares couldn’t fully pull it from me.

The Covert felt full of life, children raced through the bellowing halls kicking a meshgeroya ball between them, people sparred playfully, families sat by fires simply enjoying each other. Laughter and excited conversation echoed through the open spaces, and the joy in me at the strength of the community was crippling.

A Swearing was an incredibly important tradition and especially after so much hardship it was easy to see the joy in people. When I had Sweared I had done so with about fifteen others, but today there would only be one. It had been that way for awhile now, there had even been a few years we had no one at all join the Creed.

I hated that our numbers had gotten so low but that was a grief for another day, today was a day of celebration and even if I would be an outsider looking in I could still be happy for the tribe and Ryla and Paz.

Paz will be especially happy to hear I am permitted to attend; we weren’t sure if I would and I know he’d have felt guilty leaving me in the cold living compartments by myself. I found myself just a little giddy as I walked from the common rooms to the living compartments.

I had assumed this entire trip would be full of anxiety and guilt, and while I did feel some of that I did also find myself a hint relaxed. Last night had been… fun. I had truly enjoyed spending time with Paz’s family even if there was a tiny feeling of missing out.

They were nothing but kind and accepting but still I couldn’t help thinking about how it would have been different if I had remained in the tribe. At the very least I wouldn’t have felt so much like I needed to prove myself, I wouldn’t have felt guilty about Paz’s feelings for me. I couldn’t quite get past the knowledge that I would possibly be the reason Paz left them and his whole community behind.

It didn’t seem fair to him. To any of them.

This was something I couldn’t quite get a hold of; it was getting easier to remind myself that Paz wanted this, but the feeling still lingered. I was starting to feel that I may never be able to be happy without these toxic thoughts plaguing me.

I was so lost in my own mind that as I turned a corner, I nearly ran right into someone, “Excuse me, sorry.”

As I always seemed to, I recognized his armor, but my mind refused to supply me with a name. His visor was frozen on my face, his stance stiff. He didn’t speak. I turned to continue down the hall, but instead I felt a hand on my shoulder before being forced back against the wall. The stone was cold on my back and I tried to focus on it seeping though my clothes. It seemed like a decent enough way to keep myself calm. His forearm was pressed roughly to my chest and his helmet was only inches from me.

“You don’t belong here.” His voice was even and while being demanding it did not seem necessarily angry.

I took a deep breath trying to slow the beating of my heart, but the fear made it quite the challenge. “I-I’ve been invited by the Alor. I’m D- “

“I fucking know who are.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came to mind. This wasn’t a misunderstanding; he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Coward,” I could tell he was looking over my face from behind his visor and I tried to look neutral, but I doubted it was convincing. “You get half of killed only to leave us with no provider at all. Are you determine to kill every single one of us?”

Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say, instead I tried to focus of stopping the stinging in my eyes, holding down the panic that was rising in me like the tide.

“And then you have the balls to show your face around here, hut’uun.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re an embarrassment to the Creed, nothing but a weak coward. You shouldn’t have come here, dar’manda.”

In a split second, the fear in me snapped into fury. I swept my legs under his knees and pushed him back from his chest so he wouldn’t bring me down with him. He fell harshly with a thunk that sounded down the hallway from his armor hitting the stone floor. Not wasting a moment of his shock, I pinned him with my knee on his chest.

“You don’t fucking know me,” He struggled beneath me trying to swat at me, but I pinned the arm he hadn’t fallen on to the ground. “I maybe dar’manda but I have never been a hut’uun.”

I felt him try to buck me off, but I held my ground, it was a good pin and I knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of it.

“And as for the Creed,” With my one free hand I grabbed the bottom of his helmet roughly using it to pull his head off the floor. I could feel him tense under his armor and a small gasp rasped out from his covered face. I left my hand gripping the cool metal for a moment as he realized there was nothing he could do; he was completely at my discretion. “You only need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

After another moment of holding him in suspense, I released my grasp on the helmet, at the same time I let go of his arm and pushed myself to my feet. I could hear the small noise of metal hitting the floor but didn’t look back as I moved even quicker through the corridors.

I tried to even my breathing as I neared Paz’s living space. I didn’t need to worry him with this little encounter but if I wanted to be at all convincing, I needed to calm down. Despite getting the upper hand on him I could feel the episode threatening to break to the surface.

The unimposing door stood in front of me and I took a few deep breaths before entering, but I was surprised to find an even empty space looking back at me. I could tell immediately that Paz was not here. There wasn’t that distinct buzz that seemed to fill the air when he was around, neither was there the little noises I came to know as the baby’s presence.

A small note sat on the cheap table next to the basic first aid kit Paz had dug out of the baby’s bag this morning in desperate need of pain meds.

_Verd’ika_

_Helping Ryla, I have the baby_

_Come over when you get back_

_Love_

_Paz_

I smiled at the neat handwriting for no reason whatsoever. Not really knowing why, I carefully folded it up and slipped it into the tipped over bag on the table. Even though we knew we’d be here for a little while, it still relaxed me that Paz had refused to unpack anything. Instead, we were living out of bags set on any available surface.

Somehow it made the space seem fuller of life, but it was distinctly different than the Vizsla’s. There was evidence that people occupied the space, but no one lived here, it was clearly not our home. I wasn’t sure if this was a conscious decision of Paz’s to soothe me or not, but it did either way.

It was a mess honestly, clothes thrown around randomly, the baby’s blankets half falling out of his crib, a few dishes in the sink. It would probably be better for everyone’s sanity if I straightened up, but I’d much rather see Paz and my son.

Once again, I stood at the identical door and I knocked firmly on it.

“Who is it?” Ryla’s voice sounded far away.

“Din,” I yelled back into the door.

“It’s open!”

It felt strange barging into their home, but I tried not to think of my awkwardness as I stepped inside. Luckily, the sight in front of me calmed me immediately. Laying on his stomach on the floor, my son scribbled happily on a piece of paper. Next to him Ryla sat on the floor with Paz behind her, a focused look on his face and a comb held in his mouth.

“Su cuy’ cyar’ika,” His voice was mumbled with his jaw clenched in that way.

The smile that broke on my face was completely against my will as I fully realized Paz was braiding her hair into careful rows. It was more than just simple braids though, instead they alternated between thick sections and incredibly small sections. Metal cuffs held the bottom of the finished ones in place and a few small metal rings were clipped into the braids.

“That looks great,” I commented as I sat in one of the chairs across from them.

“Thank you,” Ryla said with a beaming smile.

“Oh yeah, you’ve done so much work,” Paz stated using some product to help smooth the hair, or at least that was what I assumed it was for.

“I had no idea you could do that,” I was a little in awe of this secret talent of his.

He took the comb from his mouth and used it before resting it on his thigh, “Yeah well my buir had no clue how to do my hair and while she did her best, I knew I’ve had to find some way to fix my hair as soon as I could.”

I did remember, probably when I first arrived, Paz wearing his hair in a simpler but similar style. I wondered now if the messiness of it had not been from his activity and helmet but from his inexperienced fingers practicing the small movements.

“Well you’re very skilled at it, cyare.”

Paz paused for just a moment to smile at me with those open eyes of his. This was why I loved him. Kind and gentle and talented. Passionate yet patient. Strong but soft. I imagined how little Ryla must have had to beg for this favor, Paz would do anything for his people, his family. I couldn’t be more grateful that my son and I were included in that elite group.

“Um, not to break up this heated staring contest but we don’t have much time,” Ryla interrupted.

Paz rolled his eyes dramatically before continuing. It seemed only then that the baby’s attention was pulled away from his drawing to notice I was there as he looked up and let out a little squeal. “Hi ad’ika, you have fun with Paz and Ryla?”

The only response I got was him shakily raising himself to his feet before walking over to me with the paper still in his hand. With a look of pure pride, he swung the paper towards me clumsily and I grabbed it from his small hand before he fell and ripped it. I went to hand it back to him, but he tried to push it back to me crinkling the paper slightly.

I looked down at the drawing he seemed to want me to have. The page was covered with random different colored scribbles, “What a beautiful drawing, ad’ika.”

He seemed happy with my praise, waddling back to his spot to draw randomly on a new piece of paper Ryla set in front of him. “You’re quite the artist, aren’t you little one?” Her voice was soft as she spoke to him and he cooed quietly in response.

“The two of them have been drawing for hours now,” Paz added motioning to the small table with many more similar children’s drawings in a neat stack, but next to it was one detailed drawing of the baby, sitting with his ears down in concentration. Even in just pencil, the dimension was amazing, and the shading made him look truly alive.

“Did you draw this?”

Ryla looked down, “It’s just something I do when I’m bored.”

“It’s incredible.”

“You can have it,” Ryla answered. “He’s your son after all.”

“Vor entye,” I thanked as I regrettably folded it to slip in my pocket.

“Did the meeting go okay?” Paz asked and I realized I had been so caught up in the moment that I had forgotten to tell him.

“Good, actually, I can come to the Swearing and she didn’t refuse the credits, so no complaints.”

I could see the tension leave Paz slightly, “That’s great news.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, not quite as enthusiastic as he was. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, I did, but after the confrontation just minutes ago I wasn’t so sure this would end well. Even with the joy around me I couldn’t quite shake the primal fear I had felt, the insults he’d thrown.

It wasn’t exactly things I didn’t think myself and that seemed to make it worse. I had started to be able to at the very least recognize the hateful lies my mind seemed more than capable of suppling me, but hearing it spoken out loud by another was a whole other thing. I knew it was unwise, although I still let myself believe it was how everyone must view me. Afterall, the only people I had interacted were Paz’s family, the Alor and Adrala. Every single one of them had a reason to be kind to me even if they didn’t want to.

Truly, that didn’t matter though. Regardless of whether or not they were being honest didn’t change the fact that most regular tribe member probably shared believe with that man. To them, I was aloft and quiet until I made them risk their lives for the protection of my child. I understood why they did not see that sacrifice as worthwhile.

Paz, suggesting he knew I wasn’t telling him something, raised his eyebrow at me but didn’t ask anything. Just to calm him I smiled reassuringly at him.

I let my eyes wonder to the child hoping watching him would mask the conflict in me from Paz. I hadn’t yet decided if I should tell him or not. I wanted to, but I was wary of his reaction. I didn’t want anymore attention brought to me and I couldn’t envision a scenario that didn’t include Paz making a fuss of it. I knew he’d be well intended, though he had a way of getting carried away, and I hated to admit it, but the fight about sparing Cartic was still fresh on my mind.

“Already, hand me the last clasp,” Ryla perked up as she gave him the metal cuff ad Paz fastened it to the end of the last braid. “All finished, you’re free to go.”

He leaned back cracking his knuckles and stretching his neck. Ryla was off the floor instantly, as she whisked away to check it in the mirror. “Paz! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Paz smiled; however, I could tell he was not only exhausted, but sore as well. He carried himself a certain way that reminded me of how he moved the day after a hard workout. “Now just cause they’re done doesn’t mean you can ignore them. You have to moisturize them daily and wrap your hair when you sleep, or your hair could break even worse.”

I gave him a suspicious look. While he always used oils and creams on his hair I had never once seen him sleep with them covered. In response to my unspoken question he shrugged his shoulders as I withheld a laugh.

“I’ll take care them, I promise,” She answered still looking at herself in the mirror.

“And when you need them redone just com me.”

“Oh,” Ryla turned to look at us from across the space. Her smile had vanished, and her voice seemed strained. “You aren’t staying?”

The somber question filled me with guilt, and I wished so badly that Paz wouldn’t say what I knew he would.

“I’m sorry, ad’ika, I can’t.” He looked over to me, eyebrows pulled together in sorrow, “We need to finish collecting Din’s armor.”

The answer, while simply honest, sent more pain through me. There was no denying it, I was the reason for the pain evident of each of their faces. I could try to rationalize with Paz’s love for me and his family’s kindness, but that couldn’t change the fact that I had set all of this in motion all those months ago simply by taking a job from some imp.

Even worse, I knew it was the best decision I’d ever made. The child would have certainly been dead now if I hadn’t and truthfully, that was all I needed. I despised myself for causing all this fighting and death, but I couldn’t regret it. I regretted none of it. I’d just have to live with that grief.

“I understand,” Ryla said straightening herself but I knew she was in more pain than she was letting on. A horrible silence fell over us. It felt unnatural in this usually lively home and it was just another guilt to add to my ever-growing pile. “Bu-but you will stay eventually, right?”

Paz looked to me, but I couldn’t stand to hold his gaze. We both knew Paz didn’t really have any solid plans to settle into the covert again. The best-case scenario was for him to be the Beroya and spend most of his time on the _Crest_.

“Ryla…”

I was surprised by the sudden glare of a warrior that reflected off her eyes. “You don’t have to keep treating me like a child! I know you and ner buire aren’t telling me something and in case you forgot as off tonight I am an official tribe member!”

She had such a presence to her that for a moment I could have sworn she even dwarfed Paz. “I’m not going to break your parents trust.”

“Well I’m guessing the news is about you, so I think that overrides them. I have a right to know. I’m aliit too.”

Once again, I wondered if I should have left, this felt far too personal of a matter for me to witness. Instead, I watched lamely as Paz took a long inhale before audible releasing it.

“I don’t think the Alor will allow me to both be in the tribe and be with Din,” I hated that my name had to be spoken during this. I hated that I was the reason for this. This was much worse than overhearing Paz and Tylo discuss this same matter. “If that’s the case…I’ll be return my armor to the forge.”

Ryla just stared straight at him her broad nose flaring lightly with each breath. I found my own breath wouldn’t come. “But why can’t you both stay even if Din isn’t in tribe anymore? I mean if you get married, I’m sure she can’t refuse?”

The confidence in Paz’s eyes shocked me a little, “That wouldn’t be the right thing to do.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The Alor has made up her mind regarding Din and I disagree.”

“But he…I mean…” She trailed off but it was clear what she was saying. All she saw was that I very clearly broke the Creed, but Paz saw it completely different.

“It’s not that simple.”

“How is it not?”

Paz was about to say something, but I couldn’t let him, I couldn’t just keep letting him beat around the bush for all of our comfort. The Alor didn’t deserve an explanation. The tribe didn’t deserve an explanation, but Paz’s family did.

“Because he’s not telling you the whole story,” Both heads turned harshly to look at me.

“Din…verd’ika, you don’t have to.”

“I do,” I took a deep breath before turning to meet that intense stare of Ryla’s. “I was dehelmed by a group of mercs in a trap. I tried to fight them off, but they got the upper hand and yanked it off me before I could even figure out what was happening. They sold me as a slave to a brothel on Ord Mantell, I was forced to work there against my will. I was there for over a month before Paz found me and helped free me.”

She didn’t say anything, neither did.

“Paz believes since it was done against my will, there should be a way back in for me. Of course, the Alor disagrees.” Again no one said anything, and my heart was hammering in my ears. “That’s what he doesn’t want to a part of.”

I decided to finally shut up as what I’d just exposed to a tribe set in. I trusted Paz’s family but there was a possibility of everyone knowing about what happening.

Suddenly, Ryla redirected her stare to me as she took a step closer, “Everyone calls you a coward, says it took you so long to return because you were too cowardly to show your mistake,” She whipped her head to Paz before focusing on me once again. “They need to know you couldn’t come back.”

A kind of sorrowful smile played on my lips, “That wouldn’t change anything, and nonetheless, I’d rather them not know.”

“But…that’s not the truth,” Once again I found myself genuinely liking Ryla, she reminded me so much of Paz when he was younger. Curious and passionate.

“No, but that doesn’t matter.”

“It should,” She responded.

“Ryla,” Paz finally added in, “We didn’t mean to upset you, but this is why I may not ever be staying. However, I’ll always be your ba’vodu and you can call me anytime and I’ll come. Promise.”

“I think I get it,” She took a moment to look between the two of us, likely working something out for herself. “And Din?”

“Yes?”

“You aren’t a coward.” Her voice was fierce and calm all at once and I couldn’t help but believe this young woman’s opinion of me. That man was wrong.

All of them are wrong.

I’ve never been a hut’uun.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode
> 
> Yikes this took long. I had almost finished this chapter and then lost all of it and had to restart and it was devastating friends. So I had to take a small break and during that time I actually made my own working bes'bev! if you wanna check it out I posted a photo on my tumblr bigbootbitch I'd love to connect with you guys on there too if you'd like.
> 
> Okay anyway enjoy  
> Cork
> 
> P.S. I plan on this being complete before the season two premire

The rest of the day passed in an excited blur. We were shooed from their home by Mar who was arguable stressed behind the breaking point. The few hours we had before the Swearing were spent with Paz and the baby napping as I tried to keep my anxiety at bay.

I spent most of the time straightening up the small living spaces just to give my hands something to do. I had no idea how interacting with the entire covert would go especially after the encounter with the man in the hall earlier. At this point I would have much preferred everyone being hostile towards me than at least I would know what to expect.

Instead as we sat in the main common room, waiting, I couldn’t help trying to decipher each person’s opinions of me. A few were easy, clearly shooting the looks from behind their visors and others acting as if I was invisible. The rest didn’t make their observations of me known but I know they were observing, nonetheless.

“Try to ignore it, cyar’ika,” Paz’s voice was quiet next to my ear and while I knew he was attempting to calm me it only put me more on edge. If it was obvious enough for Paz to comment than it was more than just my paranoia.

“Easier said than done,” I answered just as softly. The room was crowded, and I would much rather them not know that they were having an effect on me.

In a completely natural movement, Paz wrapped one arm around me pulling me closer to him and rested his other hand on my thigh nearly encompassing me in him. “Well we could at least give them something to talk about. There’s so little entertainment in the Covert.”

I tried to quiet the laugh that passed my lips at his flirting, but regardless, it did relax me. For a moment it crossed my mind how strange it was that such a public touch like this could be calming to me now. Just a few months ago it would have sent me into a full flight or fight response, but with Paz’s body surrounding made me feel incredibly safe.

“I have a feeling they’ll have plenty to talk about when we leave.”

“I’ll make sure of it,” I could hear the smile in his voice. The low whisper sent an excited shiver through me and I just hoped the lights were low enough for my blush not to be so visible. I didn’t care much though; I was enjoying this little spell he seemed to put me under. I could almost believe it was just us in the world or that we were tucked away safely on the _Crest._

“You always need to be the center of attention, don’t you,” I teased back just to hear the sweet laugh from under his helmet. I wished I could taste it.

“Says the most dramatic person I know.”

I found myself laughing loudly and it was only then that the little bubble around us seemed to burst and I noticed more than a few people looking at us. It’s not that we were necessarily doing anything any other couple wouldn’t be but there was an extra level of scandalous just from the fact I didn’t have a helmet.

Not to mention the fact my presence here was up for debate. I assumed some saw it as insulting while others were simply embarrassed to see expressions that would usually be so intimate play out right in front of them. I know in the past I would have been embarrassed seeing a couple in the covert flirt and touch each other while seeing one of their faces.

Now it seemed laughable. So much so, I hadn’t even thought of it until I noticed a few people’s looks. After everything that had happened to me, the idea of tribe members seeing me blush and laugh up at Paz’s visor didn’t concern me. Paz had declared me as his Cyare, this would be normal for anyone else so why not for Paz.

I clearly knew the answer, but I decided to ignore it as I just leaned into the solid body besides me.

“Paz,” The two of us looked up to see Tylo, body tense, in front of us. “We need you.”

Paz looked to me and I nodded. Before standing he squeezed my shoulder, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Go, I’ll be fine.” He nodded then followed Tylo out of the room. I had no idea what was happening, but it seemed serious enough that I would never have been able to tell him to stay. As much as I instantly missed his presence, I tried the best I could to look natural.

The little scene just brought more attention to me and without Paz calming me I felt a spike of anxiety, I had to remind myself I had been invited here by the Alor, I was allowed to be here as much as anyone else. Well, maybe not anyone else.

I spent a second searching for where the child had gone off to play with some of the other children towards an open area in the middle of the large room. I let out a sigh of relief seeing him run after the older kids on shaking legs laughing at whatever game they were playing. He had such few opportunities to socialize with other children, I’d give him any chance I could to just be a kid.

It was easy for me to zone out and forget where I am watching him. There was very little in the world that could bring me down when he was so clearly happy. The last time I saw him look this honestly joyful was playing with Wintra on Sorgan. As if knowing I was watching him, he looked over to me raising a small hand and I waved back before he rejoined the game.

Despite the scene, I felt a jolt of guilt shoot through me. He couldn’t have Sorgan because of me and now he couldn’t have this community either. Would he always be destined to just drift through the galaxy? It didn’t seem fair to him.

“Hi,” I looked to my right to see a boy about ten standing next to me holding a play blaster.

“Hi there,” I answered trying to sound friendly.

“Why aren’t you wearing a helmet? My buir says all adults have to wear them.”

I could feel a few eyes on me, and I wondered absently if any of them were his buir. “Um… well someone removed it from me.”

“But,” He looked confused, “Why didn’t you stop them?”

“I tried but…” I could have sworn the room had be louder a moment ago. Was everyone listening? “Well, I was overpowered.”

“Oh.”

My heart fluttered and this time I did hate the fact that they could see me blush. I had been trying extremely hard to not be ashamed of what had happened, but I didn’t truly think it’d ever go away. I was a Mandalorian we were supposed to plan for any possibility, and I had let my guard down just once, but that was all it took.

“Why are you- “

“Thay!” He was cut off by a woman’s voice from across the room. She had been one of the few shooting me looks when I’d first arrived. In just a few short strides she grabbed the boy by the hand and led him away. “Go play with the other kids.”

“But buir,” He whined back.

“Go. Now.” With heavy steps he stomped over to the rest of the children. I could feel the heat in my face as she stared down at me. “Stay away from my son.”

“I…I didn’t…” I wasn’t sure what to say.

Before I could get anything coherent out, she turned and returned to where she had currently been standing, mumbling something under her breath as she went.

I seriously considered grabbing the baby and leaving then and there. Why shouldn’t I? I clearly wasn’t wanted here, treated like I was somehow dangerous. As if their child could catch something simply from talking to me. I couldn’t decide if I was more embarrassed or angry. I was seething that was for sure.

Gods, I didn’t want to fucking be here. What was the point anyway? This was a mistake; I shouldn’t have come back here. I shouldn’t have acted like I still had some claim to this place or this culture.

I didn’t.

I found myself tapping my foot fiercely trying to vent some the red-hot ire in me. This wasn’t fair. Who cares what happened to me, I was told I could come, I was with Paz, I was invited by the Vizsla’s to attend the Swearing. I hated this petty exclusion that was so common with Mandalorians. So many carried this belief that a helmet and some armor made them better than anyone without them. As if they were somehow more moral simply for having a code.

I hated even more that I had once shared that belief. That I may be acting just like them if the roles were reversed. The Creed did not automatically make you just.

“Din’ika? You okay?” I let a sigh out at Paz’s voice. This was why I was here. Regardless of how I felt about how some Mandalorians acted, Paz wasn’t one of them. He was actually good. Caring and loyal and fierce. He deserved to enjoy this moment for his family.

“Just anxious,” I answered, deciding the whole truth would only upset him. I’d tell him later. “Everything okay?”

He settled into the spot a little, resting his elbows on his knees. It was a common position when he was stressed. “Ryla just had some nerves.”

“Is she okay?” I asked a little unsettled by his anxiousness.

“She’s good now. Just normal nervousness.”

I hummed in response but didn’t ask any further questions. I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t telling me something either, however this was neither the time nor place to press him. I couldn’t manage to even be upset about it, after all, I was doing the same thing and I’m sure he knew as well.

Before my anxiety ran out of control, a soft song started being played on a besbev and we all knew it was time. I made my way through the crowd to scope the child up before following the rest of the people into the small forge. Paz waited by the door for me, resting his hand on the small of my back as we followed the flow of people.

Seeing the whole covert able to fit into the forge was more than a little depressing. I hovered toward the door feeling like a border was stopping me from fulling entering.

“Go ahead, I’m gonna stay back.”

“You sure, verd’ika?” He was leaning slightly over me in an almost protective manner and I felt my heart swell a little thinking of how much I loved him. “You can come up with the family if you want?”

I knew that was probably true, I doubted any of the Vizsla’s would mind but I knew I’d just pull focus from what was important today. “No, thanks though.”

“Alright,” He seemed to consider something for a moment before leaning the rest of the way down to set his helmet to my forehead.

Without thinking, I took a deep breath as my eyes closed. With him still pressed against me, I mumbled into our little space, “Wish I could kiss you for real.”

“Me too, cyare,” I could hear the smile in his voice so clearly, I swear I could see it. “Wave me over if you need me.”

“I will.”

I let out the sigh as he pulled away straightening to his full height before running his fingers over the baby’s ear, “Be good little one.”

The baby cooed up at him and I could tell he didn’t want to leave us as he reluctantly turned and made his way through the people to stand beside Tylo and Mar. As was tradition, the buire stood in a space just to the left of the forge as the Swearing of your children was in a way just as much your accomplishment as it was theirs.

Now that only one person usually swore at a time, as much Clan as they wished could stand in the honored position. The three armored figures that stood there now looked as lethal as they should washed in the orange and blue glow of the low burning forge.

As everyone settled into the small space as best they could, the besbev played out ancient songs of war and family. Another musician sat beside them beating out a rhythm on a medium sized drum. The song was familiar, but I’d been a long time since I’d heard it played with instruments it took me a moment to recognized it.

A few vague memories of my buir playing the besbev swam in my mind, he used to hum it quietly to me when I’d wake from nightmares or working on the _Crest._ I barely remembered the words until the drummer sang out in a strong voice. It was one of the few songs that wasn’t purely a war cry as the tone was soft and flowing over the beating drum.

I was surprised when the Child perked up in my arms, ears up and alert. Only then did I make the true connection in my mind. It was also the song Paz often sang the child as he put him to bed, and it struck as odd that my son and I could share such a similar memory.

My chest seemed to clench tight watching Paz stand proudly with his family as the singer’s soft voice sang out the same song he sung to my son. To our son? It was feeling more and more that way with each passing day and the idea of the baby recognizing the song seemed to be just another nail in the coffin.

I swallowed around the lump forming in my throat. For some reason, the idea of Paz reciting the adoption vow in front of this same forge implanted itself in my mind. It was a horrible bittersweet thought that would never come true. Not in front of the tribe at least.

As I was lost in my thoughts the Alor had stepped in front of the forge. As always, she stood in such a manner that made her the most intimidating person in the room. There was a natural leadership that was unquestionable as soon as she stepped into a room.

We all fell silent to listen, “Ryla be Aliit Vizsla. K’olar.”

Despite knowing it wasn’t, the command sounded harsh. Ryla did as she was told and walked to the Alor standing directly in front of the forge. She held her helmet under her arm, she was no longer in training armor but in pale Vizsla blue. A few pieces looked old and I wondered if some had been past down for generations.

“Elek, Alor.” She bowed her head lightly, before standing proud and serious at the head of the forge.

The room had fallen silent as all eyes were on the two women in front of us. “Ryla, have you come her today on your own accord?”

She nodded again, “Elek, Alor.”

“Ryla Vizsla, will you recite the Resol’nare for the tribe?”

“Ba’jur, Besk’gam, Ara’nov, Aliit, Mando’a bal Mand’alore. An vencuyan mhi.” Unlike when I had said the words all those years ago, Ryla’s voice did not shake. She spoke with true conviction. She’d been waiting for this her whole life.

“Ryla be Aliit Vizsla, do you swear to live your life as the Resol’nare dictates?”

“Elek, Alor.” As she said the words, I caught the small movement out of the corner of my eye as Mar grabbed Tylo’s hand in hers.

“This is the way.” The Alor responded.

Just before pulling her helmet on, I caught a glimpse of Ryla’s smile. Now fully armored she turned to face the tribe. And spoke with a commanding confidence. “This is the way.”

“This is the way,” The chorus of voices called back to her, acknowledging once and for all that she was tribe. She was no longer a child or a trainee. Ryla Vizsla was a Mandalorian.

I had stopped myself from saying it back to her as well. It wouldn’t have been right for me to do. The whole point of the gesture was for the tribe to recognize her as one of their own. I was not one of their own.

The Alor grabbed her arm in a traditional sign of comradery and just like that it ended. However, very few people left. Instead, friends and family and really any tribe member moved forward to offer their congratulations.

Even from the back of the room I could feel the pride radiating off Tylo and Mar. A few gifts were exchanged which Tylo had somehow ended up holding as Ryla excitedly showed her finished armor off to her friends.

There was a visceral joy in Paz that I rarely saw in public. I’d become completely accustomed to his relaxed stance and free laugh in the private of the Crest or Cara’s apartment, but he had always played his part in the covert.

The stoic, lethal warrior was nowhere to be found today he was just playful Paz. As he should be. I watched from the other side of the room as he pulled Ryla into another enthusiastic hug. I couldn’t hear it from here, but I knew she was laughing from the way her head tilted back to the ceiling.

“Din Djarin smiling, that’s a rare sight.”

Whatever expression had previously been on my face I dropped it immediately. Putting my practiced indifference to work. I turned to tell the modulated voice to fuck off but instead I was met with Adrala’s helmet gazing back at me.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean it like that.”

If it had been anyone else, I still would have told them to fuck off, but I knew Adrala. I knew she was genuine, so I turned back to watch the joyous figures near the forge. “I know you didn’t.”

“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Paz this happy.”

I felt a bitter smile back on my face, “Yeah. He adores that girl.”

“I meant in general,” She huffed out a small laugh and I looked at her surprised. “The only thing I can compare it with is when you told him he could eat with us when we like 14.”

“That is not true.” I responded in that flat tone I always seemed to use with her.

“Oh yes, it is.” I could hear the teasing smile in her voice, “I’ll never forget how he smiled at you. Of course, you were oblivious, but Paz Vizsla has been in love with you his whole life.”

“Again, you’re exaggerating.”

“I certainly am not.”

“Sure, you aren’t.” A beat passed between and I was a little shocked by how natural it felt to talk to her. For so long I had written off any friendship I had had with her since we were kids, but she had been my only other friend. The three of us had spent quite a bit of time together in those few years before Paz Swore. “Sorry for being ready to kill you a moment ago. I’ve just been… on edge.”

Adrala took a breath in slowly, “Yeah… I saw what happened earlier.”

I felt my face rush hot for a moment, as if sensing my discomfort, the baby shifted looking up at me with those huge eyes. With out much difficultly I smiled down at him in reassurance. “Yeah well, not too uncommon for me today.”

As if a little scared to touch me, her hand hovered over my shoulder a moment before awkwardly patting my back. Touch had never been our way but I apricated the thought. “How are you? Like really?”

“I mean…” As I trailed off, I looked around the small room that was slowly feeling more and more suffocating by the minute. “I’m surviving.”

“That’s a pretty low bar to pass.”

I laughed slightly at that, “Yeah, seems good enough for now.” Paz’s visor landed on me, he cocked his head in question, so I smiled back to him. “And what about you? How’s…” I truly hated I couldn’t remember her name, “your riduur.”

I could hear a soft exhale from under her helmet before she grabbed her wrist in what must be a tick of hers. “Tega didn’t make it off Nevarro.”

For some reason, instinctually I held the child in my arms just a hint tighter. I could feel myself opening and closing my mouth a few times, but no words came. How could they? What could I possible say that would make it okay? There was nothing to say. “Adrala…I’m- “

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Her voice was fierce and unwavering. It was easy to forget the deadly warrior that lived under her friendliness, but you couldn’t now. “Tega would hate you for apologizing. It was for the Foundling.”

I wanted so desperately to argue with her, to apologize over and over but it wouldn’t do any of us good. Instead I said the only thing I could think of, “I am so grateful my child is safe. I’ll add Tega to my remembrance.”

Adrala raised her head, meeting my eyes with her visor before giving me a shaky nod. “Thank you.”

“And I am sorry for your loss. That you don’t have the person you love with you.” None if it seemed like enough, her Riduur, who I had never bothered to even learn her name, had died protecting my son.

“We… we were going to take a Foundling. She’d wanted to for years; I wasn’t so sure. I only agreed a few months before then. She’d been so…excited.” Her voice was small, an unnatural state for her to be in. I couldn’t imagine the grief she must be feeling, not only for what she lost but for what had almost been. In an almost unconscious movement, she reached a finger out to the baby in my arms who clutched on to the gloved hand happily.

“Would you like to hold him?” It wasn’t something I usually offered people, to be honest, I wasn’t sure why I had in the first place.

“Oh…I don’t…”

“It’s okay, here,” Carefully I handed the child to her, before he could drop anything in the movement, I grabbed the blanket he’d been holding so it wouldn’t fall onto the dirty floor. I did not want to think of how bedtime would go if the blanket needed to be cleaned.

As was the usually for the child, he settled happily in her arms, cooing softly and reaching for any of her armor he could reach. “Oh, hi there, little one.”

He looked to me before opening his small mouth in a little call to me. “Yeah I see, ad’ika.”

“I bet your buir spoils you, doesn’t he?”

“Not nearly as bad as Paz.”

I smiled along as she laughed. “That seems about right.”

The crowd had begun to thin and clans left to eat and celebrate elsewhere through out the covert as the baby soaked up the attention of Adrala and I. It seemed easier and easier to breath as each person slowly retreated into the covert. Somehow an almost sleepy atmosphere had fallen over the few people still left in forge.

Maybe it was the low light of flames or the heat radiating from them or maybe it was just the mental exhaustion this day had taken from me, but regardless I couldn’t help thinking of falling asleep in Paz’s arms.

Just at that moment, the last person giving their congratulations left. With just Adrala and I being the only other people in the forge, we watched the Vizsla’s chat a moment between themselves.

Seeming almost giddy, Paz quickly made his way over to us once again resting his large hand on my back. With it came the calming presence and I felt myself fully relax.

“How are you?” He asked quiet and concerned.

I smiled up at him, “I’m fine, cyar’ika.”

He relaxed back into his natural demeanor, nodding to Adrala as if he just noticed she was there. Before either of them could speak, the Vizsla’s had meandered their way over to us.

“Congratulations, Adrala. I know you’ll be a great addition to the Tribe.”

“Thank you, Din,” She paused a moment looking to the baby. “Thank you for coming. I’m glad you and your ad were here.”

I didn’t truly understand why it mattered to her, but I nodded back to her in respect. I couldn’t tell if everyone was tired or if I had simply built the tension with my presence. Saving everyone from having to awkwardly break the silence, the child yawned deeply and reached his arms up to me.

With a small chuckle Adrala, happily handed him to me. Immediately, he snuggled closely to my chest. I wondered if he could feel the way my heart must be beating against the tightness in me.

“Well we better get him to bed.” Paz added and I could have nearly cried from the relief at the thought of privacy.

Tylo moved forward to look at the toddler in the arms. “That does seem wise.”

With that small dismissal, there was once again a round of embraces from everyone. Despite my relief that Paz’s family accepted me, I still found the contact a bit uncomfortable. At least, Mar seemed uncertain about the contact as well.

Yet as she pulled away her visor moved from the child to my eyes, “He’s a great kid, and you’re a good buir. I wish the three of you well.”

As I once again, nodded back, I wondered if this small confession from her was what had made her uncomfortable. Mar had always a person of few words, so I knew each one held weight. I couldn’t help dwelling on ‘three.’

After a few more excited goodbyes and congratulations, we turned to leave the small warm room only to notice Adrala standing just outside the door. I was about to ask what was wrong until she spoke.

“Paz, vor entye.”

He looked down to her, “Bic naas.”

“Nayc. Bic ni mirjahaal,” Her words surprised me as she grabbed Paz’s arm to punctuate her point. Paz nodded to her seemingly giving up the argument. She released him but turned to me with almost as much intensity. “And Din, I’m happy you’re here and despite what happened earlier, I’m not the only one.”

She did as she always did and left before I could say anything at all, leaving the two of us unsure what to do next. Both of us just stood there, questions dying on our tongues. What had he done for her? Why had she been so serious? It must have been important.

It seemed like minutes passed when finally, Paz took a breath and starting walking down the hall. I followed alongside him as we moved quickly through the twisting corridors. For some reason I became increasingly anxious that something bad would happen when we returned to the compartment.

Adrala had exposed I wasn’t being honest about something and my first instinct was still that of terror. Logically, I believed Paz wouldn’t be unreasonable angry, yet still fear coursed through my veins. The trek back to the living compartment felt all the longer because of it. I thought maybe I should say something but the child in my arms was already drifting to sleep, so instead I just stayed silent.

When the door finally opened, I didn’t know if I should be more relieved or anxious. Instinctively, I let out a sigh just as the baby yawned and snuggled closer into me. This wasn’t our home but for now we were at least away from prying eyes.

I was glad that Paz instantly started removing his armor methodically. I couldn’t stand to look at his visor any longer, at least then I could better predict his emotions. Not to mention, all evening I’d been thinking of how beautifully the joy from today must have played on his face.

A little surprisingly the baby seemed just as happy since as soon as he placed his helmet on the small table, he perked up and reached towards him. “Ppaa!”

“Yes ad’ika,” I couldn’t keep my eyes off the smile that he beamed at the child and then I knew my panic had be unnecessary. Paz was not vindictive and controlling, he’d only ever tried to make me comfortable enough to talk to him. “It’s me.”

Hearing his voice without the helmet must have finally convinced the baby that this previously masked figure was in fact Paz as he squirmed in my arms trying to get to him.

“Let him get the armor off you little womp rat.” I spoke to him as I kept him wrangled in my arms.

“Nayc, it can wait,” he stopped the movements and reached his own arms to the child. “Come here little one.”

With no say in the matter whatsoever I let the baby practically leap from my arms to his. I could visibly observe the tension melting off Paz and I couldn’t help the observation having the same effect on me.

Something about the stress and uncertainty of today seemed to result in something falling into place for me, yet I wasn’t quite sure what any of this led to. How could I think of anything when Paz and the baby were babbling nonsense to each other?

With the baby, now apparently wide awake, climbing up his mostly unfastened chest piece Paz struggled to finish taking it off when it shifted under the baby’s grasp.

“Here,” I placed the baby’s blanket in his crib before approaching them. “Let me help, di’kut.”

“Wow, rude.” Paz joked looking down at me as I pulled the armor off his chest and armor. After placing it on the table, I continued to work on the rest of his armor only to see watching me with a glint in his eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He smiled. “No reason.”

“Sure, there isn’t.”

As I started working on his utility belt he said, “Thinking about that night at Cara’s.”

“Which one?” I asked playing dumb at the clearly mirrored actions from that night.

“The first time,” He answered as if the question wasn’t teasing. “Do you remember what you said that night?”

I felt myself blush slightly. I’d like to imagine I didn’t know what he was referring to, but I knew he was reference when I accidentally called him riduur. “Yes, and I try not to think of it.”

I placed the belt to the side and was about to finish what he’d started on his pauldron, but before I could he pulled me closer to his chest just as he had that night.

“I don’t mean to embarrass you, verd’ika,” He paused a moment and I could feel the deep breath he took. “But I think about it a lot. The way you said you my name, what you called me. And I know you said it in the moment and…” Paz leaned back a little to look me in the eyes, “Is that what you want? I know everything happened kinda fast and I don’t want to push you into anything you aren’t sure of. I just need to make sure were on the same page.”

I found my eyes falling on the baby, he had relaxed into Paz’s chest, one of his ears folded under him in a way that couldn’t be all that comfortable. He had been so excited to see Paz’s face again. To see the man that sang to him at night and whose cooking he loved.

“That is what I want.”

I could feel the short breath pushed from Paz’s lungs as he bent his neck to get a better look at my face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, Paz, of course that’s what I want.”

Without missing a beat, he leaned in enough to finally kiss me. This was what fell into place. This was the future I had ahead of me. If today had shown me one thing, it’s that the Mandalorians are not as just as I always liked to believe. There was a lot to like about the Creed, but the truth was it isn’t perfect.

And if Paz wanted to leave it was not out of guilt for what happened to me but because he didn’t agree with what it stood for any longer. He wanted this future too, he wanted to be with me, with my son.

There was a brutal cruelty that some Mandalorians possessed, Paz wasn’t part of that group. And he didn’t want to be.

It was soothing, not only my thoughts but his soft lips on mine, his arm holding me against him stiffly as to not disturb the baby in his other arm. After a moment that seemed far too short, the baby let out an annoyed little coo and I found myself laughing against his lips.

“Okay, ad’ika, I know you’re tired.” I responded pulling back just enough to grab him from his arms. “Go lay down, Paz, I know you’re exhausted.”

He seemed to be conflicted a moment before leaning down to press a small kiss to the baby’s wrinkled forehead. “Jate ca, ad’ika.”

“I’ll be in soon,” I called after him as he made his way into the small bedroom. I quickly got the kid ready for bed as he started to snooze lightly in my arms as I finished turning off lights and settling him into the blankets placing his stuffed frog next to him. I ran my hand over his ear before resting my hand gently on his chest. “Jate ca, ad. Sorry you didn’t get your song tonight.”

With him already asleep in his crib, I flipped the last light off and heading to bed.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su'cuy Vode!
> 
> This took a loooong time. I hate writing smut so I hope y'all at least enjoy it lol. Also My husband, sister and I started a mando podcast called Briikasak and you can find it on Stitcher. I would so appreciate you checking it out if you could. We have a lot of fun making it and hope you'll find at least some fun in listening to it. Anyway thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> Cork

I am going to do it today, _I tell myself just as I have the past week or so. Din and I had been home from war for weeks now and our relationship had only improved. This wasn’t just a fling or comfort. I love him. He loves me or I hope so. No, he does. I know he does. We haven’t said it but we both know it._

_We have spent more than a year of hiding our relationship for fear of demotion, but now that we were home and getting assigned to other jobs he was no longer under my command. We could be together now. There was nothing holding us back._

_I had been afraid when we returned, we’d fall back into our close friendship free from the horrors of war but that was not the case. We have spent just as much time together, actually more since Din’s buir has been gone on a few long hunts. He was still gone, and I know Din misses him but since neither of us have gotten our own compartments, it was a privacy we were certainly enjoying._

_As I approach that section of the covert, I anxiously, or maybe excitedly, run my hand over the carved stone I’d been carrying in my pocket. Since I had finished carving the stone into a tiny model of a knife and stringing it on a piece of leather for him to wear around his neck, I’d been carrying it with me every day._

_I want to see how the almost pearlescent stone would look against his golden skin. And even more I want to finally see his face again, I had certainly not appreciated what his smile looked like when we were children. And I was fucking sick of haar’chak blindfolds._

_I’d ask today. He’d say yes. His buir will return and we’ll say the Riduurok. He’ll wear my necklace and I’ll finally see the look in his eyes when he makes those sweet little noises._

_I was unbearably happy as I knock lightly on the door. It was hard to keep myself from banging on the door excitedly. I let myself completely believe Din, ner verd’ika, will say yes. He’ll want to marry me. I know he would._

_Time passes slowly, or maybe I was just anxious, yet still there was no answer. Maybe he was still sleeping. That seems unlikely, Din rarely overslept, and it was already well into the mid-morning._

_A barely controlled solider instinct has me convinced for a second that he was dead. With my heart racing, I must remind myself that we were home, that there were no enemies here. That if something had happened, I would have known about it._

_I take a deep breath before turning to leave. Surely, he was just busy. I tried not to be too disappointed with my bad luck, but I was. Even though I’d seen him last evening, I miss him._

_Just as I turn the corner, I nearly run right into him. Din looks stiff, nervous, as he had just before battle._

_“Hey,” Only then did he look up to meet my visor. “What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing,” He moves pass me to his home._

_I follow after him anyway. “You’re lying. You can tell me, Din’ika.”_

_I hear the soft sigh under his mask before he opens the door motioning me to follow him. I shuffle in after him, but I was surprised he didn’t settle nearly at all. Instead, he paces nervously around the space._

_“Din. What’s going on?”_

_“Buir still hasn’t contacted the covert,” His rough voice sounds far too soft as he grabs a bag from storage. “They need me to look for him.”_

_I wasn’t sure what he was saying but I found the tiny decorative knife burning a hole in my pocket. “They’re sending you?”_

_He has started packing under armor and toiletries into the bag and I want desperately to stop him. “Who else do they have?”_

_“Anyone!” I nearly yell. “Fuck, I’ll do it. You’re too close to this.”_

_“You’ve never trained in hunting,” He responds as if that was in anyway the point._

_“He’s your buir, Din.”_

_He froze his packing a moment until he turns to meet my visor once again. “That’s why I have to go, Paz.”_

_With little thought, I walked towards him and let my hand rest on the back of his neck, just under his helmet. “I’m worried for you.”_

_“I can handle myself.”_

_I wish he would understand that wasn’t the point. Din was an extremely skilled warrior, but he tended to ignore his own safety. I had saved his ass multiple times after he returned to help fallen soldiers. I love him but I doubt he would take his own interests to heart._

_“I know you can, but I still worry.”_

_He leans into my touch, stretching his neck and I meet him in the middle pressing my helmet to his. “I’ll be safe, Paz.”_

_I want to fight. I want to beg to go with him. I want to go for him. And I horribly want to tell him how I actually feel. “Din…”_

_He rests his hands on my chest but avoids meeting my eyes. There’s so much I need to say. So much he needs to know. I consider just for a second asking him anyway. Begging him to marry me and giving him the pathetically small gift I have for him, but I don’t._

_It’ll only make it harder for him. He needs this time to focus on his buir, on his family, I can’t burden him with the enormous feelings that lay bursting in my chest. So instead I just place both hands on his jaw just under the helmet. I can feel the prickling hair of his patchy beard._

_“Just…” I place my helmet to his, the small clank ringing in my audials, “Come home safe, Din”_

_Din, the man I love, nods before he grabs his bag and leaves me in the hollow tomb of the Covert._

I wasn’t sure what I recognized first, that it was early morning or the warmth of Paz’s back against my stomach. He currently slept on his front as one of my arms and legs were rested on top of his large figure.

With little control, I found myself rolling my hips against his warmth in that soft glow of waking. In those few moments, the world seemed calm and peaceful and the steady rise and fall of his strong torso only built on that idea.

As consciousness seemed to seep into the edges of my mind, I became aware that the child was not with us. For a moment I panicked before straining my neck to see his crib from the other room.

A small lump of blankets and stuffed toys snoozed peacefully, and I couldn’t help but relax even further into Paz’s firm form. In my sleep drunk haze, I ran hands up toned sides and full shoulders, not quite believing that someone so perfect could be interested in me. Not just interested in me, with me.

On mornings like these I found it hard to associate this existence with the rest of my life. It all seems too bittersweet eclipsed by the multitudes of trauma I had suffered. How it is possible for me to have episodes and constant self-doubt and yet also have this form of content happiness?

In a bizarre backwards way, being dehelmed may have been one of the best things to ever happen to me. It landed me here didn’t it? For the first time in so long I had a tether to rely on when I felt the uncertainty take over.

I let the melancholy thoughts drift away as Paz shifted into me in his sleep. It was such a sleep soft movement I smiled as I pulled him just a little closer to me, placing a lingering, or maybe lazy, kiss to his shoulder.

He shifted at that leaning his weight into me as he stretched his arms in front of him before settling back into the thin mattress. “W’ time is it?”

I laughed a little at the slurred question. “Early.”

Paz groaned as he buried his face into the pillow. “Then why are we awake?”

My hearted swelled with affection at the in between consciousness I could hear in his tone. I had only ever heard it recently and every time I made sure to recognize it for the gift it was.

“Don’t know,” I answered moving up slightly to be able to reach the juncture of his neck with my lips. “The baby’s asleep in his bed.”

He shifted his hips back against me and I had to swallow a moan already straining in the thin shorts. “And why are you telling me that?”

“We so rarely get the bed to ourselves.” I said low and sweetly close to his ear. It had the desired affect if the smirk on his face was any indication.

“And what are you suggesting?”

I let him tease me just to see that look on his face and the way he sucked his full lips into his mouth only to let them pop quietly.

“Umm,” I hummed as I kissed at his strong neck before sucking lightly. The little moan that escaped him vibrating against my lips. “I wanna try again, I have a good feeling about today.”

“I-I didn’t bring anything.” I didn’t stop the teasing at the tender skin of his neck. “Didn’t bring anything. We’re not kids. I’m not using blaster oil.”

I laughed against his neck. “I brought some, cyare.”

Finally, he was able to capture my lips with his. Still just waking it was unbearably soft. Far too gentle and patient for a decorated warrior like Paz and yet that’s exactly how he always was.

We only parted when Paz pulled me on top of him. “Then by all means, verd’ika, whatever you want.”

I left one small lingering kiss to his lips before sitting up and stretching my back, with my knees bracketing his hips. Paz’s hands followed my movements, calloused palms running softly up my exposed skin. Even with my eyes closed as I cracked my neck, I could feel his deep eyes on me.

As I opened them, I was of course right. Those dark eyes were tender with sleepy affection as his thumb rubbed gently at the tip of the scar on my hip. Paz did that often. Laying a sweet touch or kiss to the scar he helped heal. The scar that should have killed me.

Those weeks, and the fear I had in me, seemed far away now. My distrust of Paz and everyone for that matter had eased some. I wasn’t as paralyzed by the nightmares as I use to be. I had hope now.

Paz saved me from that too. With patience and reassurance, he nursed not just my body but my mind back from the edge of death. It was still a work in progress of course, but the hard work it’d take seemed worth it now.

Paz was worth it. Our little family was worth it.

I was worth it.

Without thinking I found myself tracing the scars on his chest as well. Small lines healed shiny from a well-placed knife. Waved lighter skin where he got a large burn to his arm. Some with the clear signs of stitching.

My fingers traced the warm skin of a scar at the very bottom of his neck. I had stitched that one myself with shaking hands after stray shrapnel tore through the thin skin.

“You were shaking so badly when you did that one, I thought I was gonna have to do myself in a mirror.”

I looked to meet those warm chocolate eyes boring into me. “You were bleeding from the neck. I thought you were gonna die on the battlefield.”

Paz’s lips stretched over those white teeth. “It only nicked me, verd’ika.”

He was right. It hadn’t been a serious injury, but I had been so afraid I’d lose him anyway. “Still terrified me.”

“I know the feeling,” he said quietly, the smile wavering on his face as he stroked that violent mark on my hip. “There were a few times I thought for sure you were dead. Your skin was cold to the touch from the blood loss, but I just... kept going.”

“You saved my life.”

“You’ve saved mine plenty of times.”

“Really Paz, thank you.” I needed him to know how important it was to me. How clever he was to succeed at such a difficult task.

“Yeah well, it’s what we do. Save each other, I mean.”

“I guess it is.” I answered thinking of all the times we were the only lifeline either of us had. I remember nights at war and Paz’s nightmares and sparring matches and even when he came to comfort me the day I was taken in. I leaned into the tender touch on my bare abdomen.

“Mesh’la,” He let out in a small sigh as if the word just fell from his mouth against his will.

“Nothing compared to you.”

Paz’s eyes snapped up to me with a true look of betrayal in his eyes. “You’re wrong, verd’ika, and I’m sure the whole covert thinks so as well. All of them are jealous you let me see you like this”

“Jealous of you?” I huffed out a laugh. “As if you aren’t the most desired person in this whole covert. Strong and smart and… and mandokar.”

I loved seeing the smile erupt over his features at the compliments, before pulling me down for a heated kiss. I couldn’t think of anything but his hot lips and steady hands on my back pulling me as close to him as possible. 

“We’ll never agree on this, cyare,” Paz said, deep voice shaking through labored breath.

I couldn’t focus on anything except his amazingly full lips, “Guess not.”

Luckily, I didn’t have to as he once again pressed his lips to mine. The practiced kiss fell quickly into a frantic grab for each other. What was once peaceful and lethargic had turned unbearably passionate and I couldn’t help moaning into his mouth. I could feel the twitch of a smile as a response.

I found myself arching into the warm hands working slowly down my back. I hated how much I loved that they covered nearly my whole back. I couldn’t stand how much I liked how much bigger he was than me. I was by no means small but still he lifted me and moved me around like it was nothing.

Maybe it was simply that it made me feel safe. Maybe it was purely Mandalorian culture that instilled in me the importance of strength. That’s what had always attracted me to him. Even the first time we sparred I could see that about him. I had been able to win, but he kept fighting all three rounds. I loved that will to fight.

“We should probably close the door,” He said against my lips.

It seemed like far too much work, so instead I resumed the kiss humming in agreeance against his lips. The kiss only broke when I found myself having to yawn. It was still so early and despite my focus on Paz I couldn’t suppress the reaction.

A soft laugh escaped his lips and I once again sat up to stretch. One hand cupped my face so gently it almost burned. “You sure you don’t want more rest?”

Probably the last thing on my mind right now was rest. My heart hammered in my chest, my breath came short and heavy and all I could think of was getting those thin shorts off him as quickly as I could.

Without answering him, I guided his hand to my lips just to suck softly at his fingertips.

“Fuck,” his voice was low and airy as I meet his gaze with his thumb pressed to my tongue. “Din...”

With the soft moan of my name I suddenly couldn’t focus on anything except my own stupidly tight shorts. I knew this was a weakness of his and I watched as his eyes rolled back for just a moment before I let him pull his hand away from me with a pop.

“The door.”

I smiled leaning down to hover just over his lips. “Thought you were tired?”

He reached his neck up to meet me, but I pulled back from him. “Not so tired anymore, you brat.”

I laughed, kissing his lips quickly before pushing myself off him to close the door. I looked into the small room just to ensure the baby was in fact sleeping. I could hear his quiet snores and closed the door, satisfied he was deeply asleep.

“We’re not going to accidentally scar him for life, are we?”

“No,” I laughed as I dug through my bag finding the small bottle of lube I packed. “He’s sound asleep.”

“Good.” Paz had his hands locked behind his head and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had intentionally posed that way to show off. His large arms looked even more defined, his firm body an expanse of deep skin. His legs just barely spread, and I could see the obvious out lined of his cock through the black shorts. He smiled up at me, noticing my eyes on him. He let his legs fall even wider as he licked his lips and grabbed himself with his eyes fixed on me. “What are you looking at, verd’ika?”

The display was impossible to look away from, practically pornographic, but I blushed anyway just from being called out. He was too good at this and I had the strange urge to one up him. Instead of answering, I threw the small bottle at him. He caught it easily with his other hand still behind his head.

Just to watch his eyes roll over me, I ran my hands slowly down my chest pausing when I reached my pant line. I could see Paz’s chest rise and fall with his fevered breath; I teased a little playing patiently with the top of my shorts. Slowly I lowered them and not being confided felt amazing as I kicked them to the side. I smirked as he stared at me naked in front of him with lidded eyes.

“What are you looking at, Paz?” I mirrored his tease back at him.

He moaned softly, “The most beautiful thing I’ve fucking seen.”

I groaned wrinkling my face in fake disgust. “You’re embarrassing.”

“Are you going to come over here or just keeping insulting and torturing me?” He asked with a smile.

I laughed as I crawled into the bed next to him. “You started it.”

“Sure,” He was barely listening as he ran his hands down my back slowly. They settled on my lower back puling me closer to him making me arch into his side. “We could just do the usual if you don’t want to try again.”

The joking tone was replaced by patient understanding. We had fallen into a kind of routine in the last few weeks and as much as I was conflicted about falling into a routine it had inevitable helped. It hadn’t been since the last time we tried any kind of insertion that we had to stop. It hadn’t triggered a full episode, but it still hadn’t been a pleasant experience.

Regardless I still wanted to try again. When we were younger it had been our regular and to be honestly, I missed it. When I first brought it up, Paz had been worried that I was simply trying to satisfy him, but I hadn’t, I wanted to get back to that place so bad. He had even offered to bottom if I just wanted to have sex but neither of us felt that fit.

“I want to Paz,” I said firmly looking into his attentive eyes.

“You’ll tell me if you get uncomfortable?”

“I will.”

“Good,” He hummed before pressing his lips softly to mine. Paz always kissed with such an inferno of passion it seemed to always melt the doubts in me. My mouth opened happily as he slid his tongue against mine. As we both clung to each other in our frenzy, our teeth bashed awkwardly a moment and I could feel the smile on his lips as he slid his lips to my neck.

I couldn’t catch my breath as his lips left sweet marks on my neck, my body moved from instinct and rutted against his thick thigh. The rumbling of his moan against my throat was intoxicating.

“Paz…” I breathed out as I always seemed to.

I could feel his smile on my skin, “I have you, cyare.”

The soft words ricocheted in my brain; they were enough to pull another moan from me. He did that often, always reassuring, always attentive, always so fucking gentle. He had always enjoyed this process, this slow build up, the way I fell apart under his touch.

Well, we both agreed on that.

I hadn’t appreciated it when I was younger, I wanted to get to that destination as quickly as possible then. But now this was my lifeline. While he always seemed to find a new way to sweetly tear me apart at the seams, I knew what to expect. After the house, surprise was simply too much to handle for me… as of now at least.

Paz knew that too. He’d always ask first; we’d talk about what we’d do before we did it. I could relax that way; I could enjoy it that way.

I enjoyed it now. His lips teasing at my clavicle as his large hand moved slowly down my back. It was a slow movement as to not worry me, as to give me an out. I didn’t want an out and I leaned into the touch. 

Finally, his lips moved to kiss me as he grabbed my ass firmly, massaging the muscle there. “How do you feel, cyar’ika?”

“G-good,” I answered breathless from the crushing kiss.

“Are you ready? Or do you need more time?”

I thought about it a moment. I was relaxed. Safe. “No. I’m ready.”

“Tell me if you need a break,” He reassured again. Guiding me to lay comfortably on my back.

I could hear the click of the bottle as I just stared at the ceiling for a moment. Every nerve felt on fire, every muscle wanted to move. It was impossible for me to sit still. Yet at the same time I didn’t think I could feel more relaxed. There was nothing in that moment that could pull me from this feeling.

Everything just felt…right. This was right. We were meant to be here. So many years and so much pain had brought us here. Where we were supposed to be.

My eyes that had fallen shut opened slowly when I felt Paz’s warm hand on my hip, on the scar once again. “How do you feel, Din?”

He was leaning over me slightly, his locs falling over his shoulder, those warm eyes trained on me so patiently. With my hand on the back of his neck I pulled him in to a kiss I hoped could express the hurricane of emotions raging me. I certainly couldn’t voice them.

“I’m great,” I said smiling up at him from the bed. “I’m happy.”

The twin smile on his face spread slowly with so much softness, I felt that storm in me surge in me anew. “So am I, verd’ika. Ready?”

I nodded yes as his hands started to explore again.

“Words, Din.”

“Ready.”

He hummed in agreeance and I was about to tease him about his lack of words until his warm touch was replaced by a cold slick sensation instead. For just a moment I jumped a little from pure surprise. “Sorry. You okay?”

I found myself laughing at the mistake. “Yeah I’m good just caught me off guard.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have bought the cheapest lube you could find. You know maybe the warming stuff.” He joked and he laid a few kisses to my neck and paused for a moment taking a deep inhale in the juncture of my neck and jaw.

“I’m not trying to waste our limited resources on lube.” I teased back feeling a little dazed from his touch.

A few moments passed as Paz made sure I was calm and relaxed and safe again. I appreciated it, I did, but I was getting impatient. I was arching into every fleeting touch and soft slide of lips on my heated skin. At this point I was so hard it was nearly painful, and I was desperate for any kind of contact.

“Paz... “ My breathless plea was barely above a whisper. “Please.”

“Patience, cyare.”

“Now you’re just fucking with me,” I tried to accuse but it sounded pitiful in my lust clouded voice.

“Thought that was what we did?” He asked jokingly with a small chuckle.

I groaned in response, but he seemed to have gotten the message, as he laid a featherlight touch up my cock and I swear my brain shorted out for a moment. All relief and pleasure and want. I need more.

“Okay, cyar’ika, I hear you.” I hadn’t realized I said anything. It didn’t matter though as he gently placed his slick fingers to my hole. I immediately leaned into the touch already too far gone to think too hard about anything.

With just the slightest pressure, Paz easy slipped one thick finger inside. I had enough sense to recognize it didn’t hurt and my body quickly adjusted, relaxed easily under his attention.

“Okay?”

“G-good,” I choked out, grinding down on him slightly just wanting some kind of movement.

Paz deep laugh rang out beautiful, “Eager. Careful, don’t wanna rush it.”

Despite that, he moved, slowly fucking me and the sensation was so familiar and yet so foreign, and I couldn’t get enough of it. My cock once again neglected, leaked precome onto my stomach. I wanted more. I wanted everything. There was a light at the end of this fucking tunnel, and I wanted to be there now. I wanted to be able to take him like I used too.

I didn’t want to be afraid or anxious. I just want to be able to share this with Paz, amazing, beautiful Paz who was leaving marks on any section of skin he could reach with his mouth.

As he added a second finger, there was a small moment of aching, a stretching, but it turned back into searing pleasure almost instantly. I found myself so blissed out I doubted I could even form words, yet I needed to say something. Needed to tell him how much he meant to me.

“Paz-“

“I know, Din,” I was happy he at least sound winded himself. “I got you, verd’ika. You’re doing so good.”

I moaned in response, knowing he didn’t expect me to answer.

“I’m so fucking proud of you. So strong and beautiful.” He took in a sharp inhale as he gently stroked his free hand down my side. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

I couldn’t seem to lay still, squirming and grinding down on the calloused fingers inside me. With one such unvoluntary movement I felt them brush that bundle of nerves in me and the sensation was so overpowering my mind truly did short out. Turning my vision white and moving that fire in me to settle heavy in my abdomen.

“Osik,” I only then noticed he stopped moving. “Sorry, Din, you okay?”

It took my mind a moment to catch up as I remember our conversation about trying this. I had asked him to avoid it, afraid the overestimation would process as pain as it had on Ord Mantell.

“Din?” His question was frantic as I tried desperately to find any words. I could feel him about to pull out.

“No, I’m good.” I paused to take a shaking breath. “Good, good, I’m very good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” Still not seeming to be in full control of my hormone drunk body, I leaned back down trying to fuck myself on his hand.

“Fuck, Din’ika,” Paz let out breathless as he resumed the motioning this time teasing lightly to the spot until I was certain I wouldn’t last must longer.

“Paz.. close…”

I could hear him groan by my ear and a moment later his hand was off my skin as I heard the shuffling of clothing. A second later, I opened my eyes to see he had managed to pull his shorts most of the way off. With out thinking I reached down, wrapping my hand around his cock.

It was, of course, proportionate to the rest of his broad form. The low breathe he inhaled was one of the sweetest noises I’d ever heard. I tried to focus through my clouded mind to watch the way he closed his eyes and let his jaw fall open. It was horribly beautiful, and I could have sworn I could have come just watching him like that.

“Ah… Din…” He said my name like a prayer, and I couldn’t stop the movement of my hips.

“I want you Paz, all of you.”

His eyes opened; pupils blown wide to look me in the eye. I could tell he was struggling to focus as I continued working him. “Soon, cyare… I promise soon. Not today though, you push…yourself too hard.”

I knew he was right, but found I was still a little disappointed.

“Don’t give me that pout,” He teased, seemingly remembering what he was doing a moment before and grabbed my hand as he shifted slightly so he could wrap his hand nearly around both of us.

I was barely aware of the moan that fell from my lips, as he picked up the pace keeping in time with the fingers inside me and I felt like every muscles in my body was flexed and high strung. The press of his stupidly huge cock against mine and the calloused hands and finger were sending me over the edge quick.

“Paz-“

His breath shuddered out in short grasp as he fucked into his own hand. I could tell he was close simply from the fact he didn’t say anything but groan long and deep. He only ever stopped talking when he was almost there.

With a sudden hard press of fingers inside of me, all at once it seemed all the heat in me welled low in my stomach before my vison whited out, all senses boiled down to extreme pleasure. To relief.

As I came down from the spasms, I realized Paz continued working me through it, just a moment after wards I could see the telltale signs of his own orgasm. Clenched jaw, goosebumps, the tells I knew so well.

I moved his hand aside replacing it with my own, only seconds later he was coming in my hand. Just as he had I made sure to work him through until finally he relaxed back in the bed. Looking as exhausted as I felt.

Deciding to ignore the mess for a second, I laid back myself staring at the stone ceiling. The only noise our hollowed breathing.

“I don’t want to move…ever.” He huffed out.

“We should probably clean up.”

Paz just groaned. “I want to sleep.”

I laughed. “You’ll regret that.”

He turned to smile at me. “I know.”

I wasn’t sure why he was looking at me like that, but I just stared back. His eyes were so full of life, so trusting and I couldn’t look away. Something about him was so open I couldn’t keep what I’d been thinking for hours now from him.

“I can’t stay here, Paz.”

That joyous look faded slightly but the deep open eyes remained. “I know, cyar’ika. How about we leave tomorrow morning? Say goodbye today and get some rest and supplies before leaving?”

Again, that storm in me raged. He didn’t question why or push for anything I was not willing to give. Just more simple acknowledgement and I found myself smiling, “I can do one more day.”

Despite our sweat soaked skin, he pulled me close to his side. “Thank you, Din.”

Neither of us said anything of importance as we cleaned up and settled into bed for just a few more moments of sweet sleep and peace.

As I had all morning, I found myself almost frantically moving across the compartment packing bags and checking hidden places for anything I could have missed. It was quickly approaching afternoon and in the corner of my eye I could see Paz armor up readying himself to say goodbye to his family.

Again, it felt like something I should feel guilty about. I didn’t though and that in and of itself was unusual. Maybe I was still a little clouded from this morning, but I couldn’t find the energy to be upset about it.

Maybe I was just ready to leave the covert behind, to fade into an unpleasant memory for a few weeks.

Paz had settled close to the door, situating the last of his armor when a small sound rang out in the space. The soft tone only stopped when he pressed a button on his bracer. Everything else seemed so… casual that when the blue cone flickered in the low light of the living compartment, I felt a choked gasp escape my lips.

“I hope this message finds you well, Din Djarin,” The small holographic image made a point of slowly forming each syllable of my name. “You may be surprised I know your real name but what can I say. I know quite a lot about you.”

“Din- “

“Like for example, that your child is wanted by many rich and powerful people all of which work for Moff Gideon.”

I couldn’t tell if my heart had stopped or if it beat so fast I couldn’t feel it.

“Which brings me to the point of this call.” My lip shook and I tried to bite it back into submission. Cartic leaned forward to pull something out. I knew what it was before he showed it, my helmet. “See I have something you want and well you have something I want. So, I would like to propose a trade.”

“Hut’uun,” Paz huffed out, seemingly realizing what was happening.

“You come to me, alone, to give me some… company, and in return you get your helmet and pauldron. I’m sure we’ll be able to work out some kind of arrangement, don’t you? And of course, I’ll have to ensure my safety, so if you refuse or bring your ‘friend’ with you, I’ll give the Moff and anyone else who wants it all the information on your child, including how I found this line to contact you.”

Once again everything seemed frozen and I thought I may vomit. Vaguely I was aware of Paz’s arm supporting me.

“Since I know you’re smarter than you look, you have twenty-four hours to respond, otherwise, I’ll release the info. I look forward to hearing from you soon, Din.” Infuriatingly he winked to the camera before finally the image faded away.

“Hey, Din? Verd’ika? It’s Paz.”

I blinked away the tears that had formed in my eyes to see him bent down to meet my eyes. Before the message came through, he had his helmet on, how had I not noticed him taking it off? How much time had passed?

It wasn’t his hand gripping me but my hand clenching tightly at his arm. I was holding onto him for dear life and even though I knew I was probably bruising him I couldn’t seem to let go. “Paz, what am I going to do?”

“Oh, ner cyare,” He pulled me into his arms, and I seemed to melt against the unyielding beskar wall that was his chest. “We’ll do what Mandalorians do, we’ll fight. We’ll face him together and kill the son of a bitch once and for all.”

“No!” I screamed. “Paz, the baby! I can’t risk his safety; he needs to be safe!”

“K’uur. We’ll keep him safe.”

I imagined tie fighters and imps and glory hungry bounty hunters after us. “I’ll go, it’s best for the baby.”

Paz moved back holding my shoulders in a steel grip. “What’s best for the baby is to have his buir alive and well.”

“Not if it means he’s…dead.” I tried to keep the shaking out of my voice as I spoke my deepest fear.

“Neither of you are dying,” I was surprised to see the tears fall from his eyes. “Not when I can help it. It’s safer together, Din’ika, we’re safest as a family.”

“He found the _Crest_ Paz.”

“Then we’ll get a new ship.”

“Paz…”

“Please, Din,” He pulled me once again to his chest, cradling my head in his large hands. “I need you, cyar’ika. He needs you. I can’t lose you again. Please, let’s just leave tomorrow as we planned and figure out a response after we rest.”

“I don’t know if I can.” I couldn’t watch Paz look at me like that, I couldn’t stand the tear trails on his face. “It’d put all of us in danger.”

He kneeled in front of me, holding both of my hands in his. “Din, listen to me. If you are in danger all of us are in danger. Mhi aliit. We are a unit and we can’t let you carry the whole burden. You’ve carried so much for so long. Let me help you out of this. Let me fight by your side as your equal.”

I found my own eyes stinging as well. “He’s not going to make this easy.”

“I don’t care, cyare. It doesn’t have to be easy, it’s what’s right. We can do this Din’ika, we’re soldiers, we’re hunters. We can win.”

“Mhi solus.” I whispered in the tense space. I reminded myself that we could in fact do this, I had Paz’s support. Maybe I didn’t have to send myself to slaughter.

“Mhi solus,” He affirmed placing a kiss to the center of each of my palms. “Now, let’s think of our way out of this.”

It was late.

The hours had pasted cruelly as my mind analyzed every single detail of the call, the threat, the plan, the risks.

I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. That was clear. There was too much on the line, too much fear in me. Too much guilt. This was all my fault. There should have been another way out of this. There had to be.

The stone ceiling of the bedroom filled me with anxiety. Every inch of this place cold and harsh and foreign. I couldn’t stand another second staring at it.

Paz shifted in his sleep as I sat on the edge of the thin mattress. “Y’okay?”

“Fine. Just nervous.”

“Me too,” he sat up a little further to push some hair from my eyes. “You want me to stay up with you, verd’ika?”

The warm touch was soothing for a moment before it too became icy from guilt. “No. At least one of us should get some rest. I’m gonna check on the baby.”

“Okay,” he answered settling back into the blankets. “Wake me if you need me.”

“I will,” I answered but it didn’t feel honest. “Ni kar’tay gar darasuum, cyare.”

He hummed in his sleep. “Love you too, din’ika.”

I hovered a moment to watch his breathes even back into the telltale signs of sleep. I hated that he felt this need to risk his life to help me. It was a burden he shouldn’t have to shoulder. The child was my responsible and I had been the one to put him in danger. Not Paz. Of course, I knew he loved the kid, but this was not his fight. It shouldn’t have to be.

I left out a soft sigh and I left the small room to stand anxiously over the child’s crib. He was innocently sleeping away, not a clue how much danger I’d put him in. I was supposed to protect him, instead I had put him back in the line of fire.

If just hadn’t gotten that stupid tattoo none of this would have happened. Cartic would have never found out I even had child let alone that he had one of the largest bounties in the galaxy on his head.

None of this was fair. Tomorrow Paz and I would leave and there was a distinct possibility neither of us would return and even if we did it’d be likely that even more hunters would be after us. I tried not to think about that worst-case scenario, we both die and the baby’s hunted even worse.

Who would care for him? Protect him the way he deserves? Cara? Tylo? Other Mandos? Every single one of them would have to change their whole lives just because I had been careless.

And how would the baby react? He’d be heartbroken. He’d be alone and scared. The thought that often haunted me came back to the forefront of my mind. His small head cocked; his mouth opened as he screamed for me. The cruel way I did nothing to help him.

I rested my hand on his chest, calmed from the small movements just knowing he’s alive. If I only could have found his people, his family. Someone in the galaxy had to have loved him. I imagined parents somewhere whispering a name for him. Whispering prayers of safety and happiness.

That had been the reason I’d never given him a name. Because he simply had one already, I just didn’t know it. I had never been able to assign a set of sounds to call him by when whoever named him must have poured so much love and hope into it. A name was powerful, and I could not erase it.

Yet still, he was my son. I had said the gai bal manda despite not knowing his name. Somehow, I still knew his name as my child. When I’d taken that vow, whispered quietly on the Crest I had also prayed for his safety and happiness.

I had failed him.

“Ni ceta, ad’ika.” He shifted softly but did not awake. I watched as he settled with a little smile on his face. I watch the little expression that result in response to my voice.

I had no reference of how long I stood there watching him sleep. If only I could make sure no more danger would come to him. If only I could insure someone experienced would take care of him.

If only I could go alone.

The small plead stopped my trailing thoughts. After all, what was stopping me? I looked back into the darkened bedroom and could see Paz sleeping deeply. If I survived, he’d hate me. Probably never forgive me.

I wouldn’t blame him.

But I looked to the child, safe for the moment tucked away with his frog in his arm. If I didn’t survive, he’d still have Paz. Someone he loved and who could protect him and would show him kindness and insure he was happy.

And there would be no risk of added danger. We were still under the radar so a few hunters here and there would be no problem for Paz.

I hovered another moment, terrified of the thought, of what could happen if I went alone. I took a deep breath. It was nothing compared to the horror of what could go wrong going through with the half assed plan Paz and I had come up with.

I had made up my mind.

My feet moved quietly throughout the compartment as I tried not to think about the betrayal I was committing. I threw what I could in a bag. Some clothes, all my weapons I could, and I pulled on my clothes as silent as possible.

My hood was pulled over my head, my bag on my back. I leaned against the doorframe and listened to the soft snores escaping those perfect lips. This would probably be the last time I saw him like this.

Asleep and beautiful and willing to trust me but I was stomping out that trust now. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair or smell the sweet soap that lingered in his skin or see those breathtaking eyes one last time, but I didn’t. I couldn’t risk him waking so instead I just turned away.

I found myself once again at the side of the crib. I knew I had to do this, but it still didn’t feel right. I prayed desperately that he wouldn’t think I abandoned him again. I prayed that if I died, he’d know I only ever tried to keep him safe. I prayed that he’d grow up knowing I had loved him.

I ran one finger down his large ear, I had nothing to say except a simple goodbye, “Ret’urcymi.” May we meet again.

Just as I stood at the door I stopped. There was one more thing I had to do.

I took the note Paz left me yesterday and the drawing from Ryla I placed them in my pocket. On the back of the note Adrala left me, I scribbled out a message I hoped would soften the blow.

I left it on the table and didn’t look back as I walked out the door.

_Ner kar’ta_

_Ni ceta_

_K’oyacyi_

_Din’ika_


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' Vode!
> 
> So... heres this. We're like 5 chapters away from the end and I've been working so hard on this. Sorry if this editing is kind of garbage on this one, couldn't focus. 
> 
> Thanks  
> Cork
> 
> Again please check out my goofy mando podcast Briikasak: A Mandalorian Podcast. Its on spotify and most podcast apps. I'm really excited ofr the episode coming out this week were I talk about my predictions for season 2!

_16 years ago_

_The corpse was propped up awkwardly against the alley wall. Blood stained the slushy snow. I tried to look for some sign that the fading boot prints I’d been following made an escape. I could see a struggle had taken place through my HUD and two set of prints leaving. Neither were the crisp design of Mandalorian boots._

_I clicked off the tracking feature and simply faced what was laid bare out in front me. Just a bloody lifeless form covered with a sheen of ice and frost that made it shine uneasily in the morning sun._

_Leaning forward I tried to examine the features underneath the broken bones and swollen blue tissue. I wanted to have an excuse to deny who it was. Surely, he had to have escaped somehow. Surely this wasn’t him, just some other unlucky man._

_Using the tip of my boot I carefully moved its arm where it had been pinned under him. When I saw what was clutched in his hand, I had to will the sick that rose in me not to vomit._

_A bloody painted bes’bev._

_My buir’s bes’bev._

_Ner buir._

_I wanted to run but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t look away. His face was so beaten in, his leg broken, two of his fingers were missing. Armor was gone along with his top under suit, only his pants and shirt remain. Even his boots were taken._

_I had seen countless bodies blown to pieces and smoking from blaster bolts, but this seemed far more violent somehow. There’s an acceptance of destruction in a war zone. You might loss a limb to a spare explosion or break a bone in a struggle but that was the price of war._

_This was different._

_This was intentional. Someone had personally done this. Someone held him still as they cut fingers from his hand. Some one’s fist had felt the crack of his nose and eye socket. Someone had struck him over and over until he laid dead and faceless under their fist._

_I couldn’t help but wonder who could have down this. An enemy of his? A rival hunter? A gang whose member he turned in? A person simply wanting his armor and an outlet for their cruelty?_

_Any of those scenarios were equally likely. Even a veteran such as him couldn’t run from his death forever._

_Staring over the bent body of the man that saved me from that bunker, who’d play music to stop my nightmares, who trained me and taught and made me the man I am today I found myself less depressed than I was fearful. He always knew this would be his destiny. He had told me often, making an effort to say goodbye each time he left for a job._

_A surge of rage ran up my spine. This wasn’t fair. Not to him and not to me. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to see me return from war. I wondered if his last minutes were filled with concern for my life. And why should I have to lose someone else?_

_There was a moment where I thought maybe time itself froze in the frigid air. For a moment I realized this was my only future. I was looking at my own fate, at my own body._

_Maybe it wouldn’t come quite like this but one day I would die violently. A beroya’s life was often short and joyless. A bounty hunter can stumble onto his death a thousand times over. One day I too would be laying in an alley stripped and broken. Would it be this year? The next? Decades from now?_

_Would anyway be looking over me?_

_My heart lurched as I had a sort of vison. Paz looking down at my corpse, trying to see my own features through my beaten face. I swear I could imagine him crying as he would when he lost a private. I could imagine his anger and pain. It was the same I felt now._

_I couldn’t let him feel that way. I had to put myself on the line to do this job well and this was a simple risk of being a hunter. I would inevitably be hunted in return. I would not die in war or of illness, I would be killed in some sleazy alley on some random planet._

_I couldn’t let Paz come looking from me. I couldn’t let him go through this._

_I had to end whatever was between us._

_I had to leave him._

_It was the only way to save him from more pain._

The baby was crying. The bed was cold.

I turned over anyway to see the empty space next to me. Din must already be up. He always wakes to the baby’s cries before I do.

I stretched my back and wondered what must be wrong. I’m not sure if I’d ever heard him cry like that, it certainly wasn’t his hungry cry. Maybe he fell trying to climb out of his crib. That happened once.

“You need some help, cyare?”

No answer.

I had a sinking feeling something was wrong. “Din? Is everything okay?”

“Ppaa!”

I was already pulling on my pants, but the pained cry made me decide not to bother with the shirt.

Something was certainly wrong. Din wasn’t here. I checked the time as I scoped up the crying baby. Where would he go this early?

“K’uur, k’uur. I got you, ad’ika.”

Why wouldn’t he wake me to let me know about the baby? I looked around the room and immediately my heart dropped. His bag was gone. There was a paper on the table.

I could guess what it said before looking at it.

It felt too familiar. Far too close to my worst nightmare. Far too close to how it felt all those years ago. He had left again too afraid to commit. Too afraid to be vulnerable or weak.

I already feeling like screaming as I picked up the short note.

Ner kar’ta

Ni ceta

K’oyacyi

Din’ika

That was it then.

That was what he was leaving me with. Another fucking apology. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t an explanation. We were supposed to be a team. A family. Aliit.

It felt just like before. Just as painful as it had been then. At least he bothered to leave a note this time.

My anger and anguish battled for my attention, leaving me frozen as collateral damage in their war.

I was only pulled from it when the baby in my arms clung tighter to my chest, burying his little tear soaked face into me.

This wasn’t the same.

This was entirely different. I scanned the note again, he didn’t say goodbye, he didn’t say anything about the child. He had called me “Ner kar’ta” What he called me when I left for war.

I looked to the side noticing the comm left out carefully for the first time.

To anyone who did know did the way I did wouldn’t have known what he was trying to tell me. But I did. He was coming back. He planned on surviving this.

I grabbed the familiar link in my hand. Without thinking I clicked it on and off three times and waited for a response. It was our signal to let the other know we were safe.

As I listened carefully the only sound was the hiccupping of the quietly weeping baby. I waited. I stared at the small device in my hand. It was my lifeline. It was all I had left, a thin string stretched across the galaxy.

I tugged on that string again, sending my modest message across space.

This time he tugged back. Three short clicks of static.

For a just a second, I laughed overcome with relief. He was alive he was okay. For now, at least.

“Din? Din are you there?”

Nothing.

“Please Din I just need to know you’re safe. I can help, please let me help you, verd’ika.” I begged into the com link listening for any sign of a response but again, nothing.

“I love you Din, that’s all that matters. I’ll do anything I can to help. Just don’t leave me like this. Please, cyare, pleas-“

“Buu!”

All at once the baby yelled out louder than I ever heard him and the small metal cylinder slide from my hand to crash against the far wall. It fell unceremoniously to clank on the floor.

With my hand empty and the baby’s sobs desperate and deafening near my ear my mind had one singular thought.

What am I doing?

I was only making things worse. Worse for Din, worse for myself. And most importantly, worse for the baby who’s renewed sobs shook his small form.

As I tried helplessly to soothe and bounced him in my arms, I reassured him. I apologized over and over. Hushed and promised and sang to him. Anything to minimize the hurt he must be feeling.

It seemed somehow, he knew Din was there one the other side of the link just like I did. I should have never let my emotions get away from me like that, not in front of him. Not in front of a child who could seem to sense and feel ever thought and intention.

He must be so overwhelmed.

Din must be too. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to yell and cuss and tell him how much this hurt but instead I just felt hopeless and guilty.

I should have noticed. Should have listened. I told him I’d be there for him but when he told me what he needed to go I broke down. I was scared and selfish and refused to help in what he thought was the only way. Maybe if I would have listened, he wouldn’t be in such danger.

“Paa?” The slurred syllable usual brought be unbridled joy but this one broke my heart over again. Those huge teary eyes looked up at me, fighting sleep again after the emotional morning he had, and it was clear there was a question there.

“I’ll be here, ad’ika.” I placed a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll keep you and your buir safe just like I promised you.”

I hoped it wasn’t a complete lie. Nonetheless, he seemed to relax some, letting his eyes drift close and as I watched him I found I had a question to ask as well.

What do I do now?

I tried to think but there was too much clouding my thoughts and I found myself pacing the small space. The living unit that was set aside to be my home had never seemed emptier.

Just like I’d found Din’s compartment all those years ago.

Actually, this was somehow worse. I was safe in my knowledge then that Din had choose to leave and that I could be angry and spiteful. I let myself reorganized those otherworldly emotions into hate for him. Into criticism and antagonism. At least then I still saw him. At least then I was in his life.

But this, this certainly that not only was he going to be hurt but that he actively chose it to protect an innocent, to protect me, was crushing in an entirely new way.

And I realized I couldn’t just stand around any longer.

I had to do something.

Being careful not to wake the baby, I grabbed his blanket and frog wrapped him with his toy on his chest while still holding him close to me. The poor thing deserved some comfort today.

Next, I grabbed the link off the floor looking over it to make sure it wasn’t broken. Everything looked okay to me at least. A deep dread eclipsed me looking at the little piece of tech. I wanted to try to talk again, to see if maybe this time I’d get to hear his voice.

There was a helplessness I hadn’t encountered since I was a child. An uncertainty of confidence, of myself. Not knowing how to express everything within me. I had worked hard to identify and vocalize my emotions as I’d grown older. Din had helped with that. Tylo too.

But now with this commlink in my hand that barrier seemed to have returned. A physical object to represent my paralysis under the rip tide of pain and doubt that had swallowed me since I woke.

That was the problem though, I couldn’t shut down now. Too much relayed on me. Too much was on the line. So instead I did what I’d done as a child when everything became too much.

I went to Tylo.

I was knocking on his door a second later, holding the link in my closed fist as I knocked. The door swung open.

“Paz what the hell are you doing?” He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the house, glancing quickly down each stretch of the hall. It was only from his alarm that I realized then I forgot to put on armor or even get dressed for that matter. I stood in the doorway of his home barefoot and shirtless. “What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t.” I answered honestly.

He closed the door behind us looking me over as he removed his helmet and grasping my upper arm. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“Din...” I trailed off.

“What about Din?”

“He’s gone. Left.” The words seemed to burn on my tongue like acid, corrosive and degrading.

I could see Tylo swallow. “Without the baby? Why would he do that?”

“It isn’t safe for the baby,” I couldn’t seem to articulate my thoughts into any kind of useful answer.

“Paz,” his voice was firm as he looked up into my eyes, “Focus. Where did Din go?”

“I- Tylo I don’t know.” I felt the tears sting, “We got a call, a threat. Oh, maker he could already be with that monster, that shabuir. Tylo, I need to get to him. I can’t let that man hurt him again, I can’t see him like that again.”

He said something as he guided me to sit but I couldn’t stop my thoughts. I couldn’t see anything but a bloody nose, a scared look in empty brown eyes, a malnourished form, yellowed bruises. Tylo placed a glass of water in my hand and I drank it greedy for anything to distract me.

“I’ll help anyway I can, Paz, but need to say calm enough to explain this to me. Can you do that?” He paused and I nodded. “Okay, good, now who is this man?”

I opened and closed my mouth uselessly. I was going to say something about Din’s privacy or story, but I couldn’t get myself to say it.

“Please, Paz. I want to help but you need to be honest.”

He was right. “His name is Cartic Velour. Don’t know much about him. All I could find is that he’s from a wealthy family.”

“And why did he threaten Din?”

I took a deep breath trying to focus on the warmth of the sleeping child in my arms. “He wasn’t just dehelmed. Din was sold to a brothel. Forced to work as a slave there for almost two months.”

“W-worked how?”

“You know how, Tylo.” He nodded his head in a terribly small movement. “This man was his… client… became obsessed with him. Nearly killed him a few times. Osik, Tylo he’s going to kill him.”

“Hey, focus, we’ll find him. Tell me about this call.”

I struggled to keep a clear mind as I told him. I told him everything. How I broke down. The plan we made. The empty bed this morning. The note, the link, all of it.

“Let me see the link,” I set it in his out reached hand and followed as he stood and took it to his desk examining it under a bright light. I just looked over his shoulder awkwardly, unable to help but unable to walk away either. “Pretty typical structure. Not that modified. Just one network connection.”

“Well what does that mean.” I had always been terrible at anything technical except for my armor circuitry.

“It means splicing it won’t be helpful. Its not connected to anything else like the ship or armor.”

“Fuck.” My anxiety was raising again and my feet began moving throughout the room without my knowledge. “What now then? Maybe he’s still on world. The _Crest_ is about a day of walking away. He couldn’t have gotten there on foot yet.”

“Doubtful,” He answered off handed as he reassembled the small com. The nonchalant manner in which he was talking put me even more on edge even though I knew that’s just how he was when he was focused.

“You don’t know that.”

Tylo turned to look at me. “Paz, he left without telling you for a reason, because he didn’t want you to follow him. Din probably had a plan to get off world before you discovered he was gone.”

He was right and I hated it. This wasn’t like the first time I tracked him down, this time he was actively trying to keep me away. He knew I was looking for him and he didn’t want me to find him yet. Din and the _Crest_ were probably far from Oosalon by now.

“The ship,” Suddenly something occurred to me. “You said the com wasn’t connected to the ship, what if I had something that was would that help? My gauntlet’s connected to coms and basic functions of the _Razor Crest.”_

“Yes, that might work. Go grab it and fuck, Paz get dressed while you’re at it. You’re no use to anyone in the state you’re in.”

If I weren’t nearly out the door already, I probably would have argued with him.

Soon after getting somewhere with splicing the _Crest_ , which I would definitely feel guilty about for weeks, we had formed somewhat of a plan. We found the sector of space Din was in and after Tylo dug up some more info on Cartic we found his father’s family had owned some property on a now mostly abandoned planet in the area. It was a good enough of a lead for me.

Now all I needed was permission from the Alor to take a ship to get him. Tylo’s family didn’t own a ship themselves and I had almost no credits to find transport, so this was my only hope. I’d be a long shot. Ships were usually only used from emergencies, I wondered if Din would be considered ‘important’ enough for such a request.

Tylo was attempting to keep up beside as we wound through the halls. “Do you have any idea what you’re going to say?”

“I’m gonna say whatever will get me a ship,” I honestly answered.

“Well don’t say that,” He muttered to himself as we approached the main common rooms. Everyone looked up from whatever they were doing to gawked as I passed. The baby had woken up a little while ago and seeming to realize his buir still wasn’t here he had settled into almost constant rhythm of screams to hiccups to quiet sobs. He was currently in quiet sobs, his little head tucked against the beskar.

With each black visor following me I found myself more and more infuriated. I tried to pay them no attention, I wanted them all to see me as a wall of anger and beskar. An animal coiled to attack. Intimidation seemed the best tactic to get what I needed.

It was usually my best weapon anyway.

I decided to play up the perfect warrior I often presented myself as. And on that note, I barged past the threshold of the Forge with out hesitation and planted myself directing in front of the Alor.

“I need to talk to you.”

She looked up to me for just a moment before looking back to the Mandalorian, Cerar, in front of her continuing the conversation.

“It’s important,” I spat out through gritted teeth.

“And so is this,” She answered in that classic even tone she was known for.

“Djarin left early this morning and he’s in danger. I need a ship.”

“Yes, I’ve heard.”

My spine straightened. “How?”

She sighed as if I was being ridiculous, as if Din’s safety was a burden. Cerar stood to the side but didn’t leave, I wasn’t surprised as almost the whole tribe was hovering nearby to see the display.

“How did you know Din left?” I asked again.

In her normal way of making you feel insignificant, she stood to look at something in the Forge. “I am informed of any imperative events that happened at the end of each shift.”

“And no one thought to tell me?” I had thought I was furious before but now my ire easiest eclipsed it. “I have declared him as my Cyare, you didn’t think I’d be concerned he was leaving in the middle of the night without his son!”

“He can’t be a Cyare if he isn’t tribe,” A voice from behind me called out. I was quick to turn and face the man who had said it. I took a few steps to stand directly in front of him. He was much smaller than me. I knew him. And old war friend of mine, Taka.

“Kaysh ner Cyare.” I made sure to announce the words clearly, making sure he’d understand my point.

He huffed out a laugh.

“It was only reported to me a few hours ago.” The Alor’s interruption was the only thing keeping me from striking him.

“Then why wasn’t I told then?” I asked still staring down the rest of the Tribe.

“You’re right. I should have acted quicker.”

I sighed, I hated that I’d needed to rely on them for a ship, for Din’s safety, but I did. “Then I ask you, will you please act now. He is not safe where he is going. I just need a ship to get him back safely.”

“We should be saving the little resources we have for the tribe’s members, not wasting fuel and a ship on an outsider.”

“He is not an outsider.” I said through tightly clenched teeth.

“Your right he’s dar’manda which is worse.” He paused for a moment too look around the forge before meeting my sight again. “I heard you two share a bed, so tell me Vizsla, have you been sleeping with your helmet on all these months?”

For a split second I was shocked silent until angry quickly overtook me. “I don’t see how that’s your business.”

“It’s all of our business. Everyone knows you’ve been fucking him pretty much as soon as he swore the creed and I suspect you’re dar’manda too. I don’t see why we should support you or your aruetiise whore.”

“Enough.”

I barely registered that the Alor had spoken before I used my one free hand to pull him forward by his chest plate only to push him to the ground making sure his feet couldn’t catch him. He fell hard with a grunt and reached to his boot to grab his knife. I didn’t give him the chance.

With a hard kick to the wrist it skidded across the floor harmonizing with the sound of my boot to beskar as I held him down by his chest plate.

I knew every single eye in the room was on me and I was ready to make my point.

“I don’t know how you know about that,” I sent a quick glance towards Ryla, but she shook her head furiously. I don’t see how else anyone could know if she hadn’t been the source. “But mark my words, if I ever hear any of you call him that again I will kill you. He was not a whore he was a slave. He was raped over and over for other people’s greed every fucking day and he fucking survived! Don’t you dare diminish that to somehow being a cowardly act!”

The room was so quiet I could hear the tiny screech of the unyielding metal under my foot. “And as for not being ‘tribe’ enough,” I turned to look at the armorer who stood perfectly still watching. “I guess that doesn’t apply to the credits he gave to the tribe just a few days ago.”

At least at that a few helmets turned from me to examine our leader as if they would be able to somehow see if I were lying.

“Din has served this tribe well his entire life. He deserves your help now.”

I stepped back letting the man I’d been holding under my foot to stand and walk over to the side. I was shocked he didn’t argue with me further. In fact, no one in the entire room made a noise.

“And that’s why he didn’t return for months?” The Alor eventually asked in a meek tone I’d never heard. I realized what I’d done. No one had known. He was only trying to insult Din but had tumbled into the truth by accident.

My stomach turned at the thought of telling Din’s secret to the tribe. I just nodded once in response.

“I promise we did not know, Alor’ad,” said Taka who just a moment ago was trying to expose me.

I let my stiff glare meet him before turning back to the Alor. “I do not have time for this conversation. Can I have a ship or not?”

She took a second to look around the room to see if anyway would argue further. She was met with a pregnant silence. “Tylo, bring Paz to the ship you and family used.”

Again, I just nodded, not wanted to say anything more. They didn’t deserve a thanks after everything they did.

“Paz,” There was an uncertainty in her voice that made me pause, not to mention the fact I’d never heard her call me by just my first name. “Ret’urcye mhi.”

I knew there was a question there. It wasn’t just well wishes or a simply goodbye, it was her honestly asking if she’d see me again.

“I’ll be back for my son.” I answered and Tylo jogged to catch up with me as I left the forge unceremoniously. “How far away is this ship.”

“Not far. You’ll be off planet in less than an hour.”

I looked down at the child in my arms, he’d stopped crying for a moment, but his face was flushed and splotchy. All swollen eyes and running nose. I was not looking forward to saying goodbye to him.

I was glad Tylo was right, in only 20 mins we were standing in the snowy Oosalon afternoon, a small gunner ship in front of us.

“It’s loaded on fuel and food for about a week. I’ve loaded the coordinates of the lead on the nav system already.”

“Tylo...”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.” He wasn’t looking towards me just staring at the ship intently.

“Vor en-“

Finally, he looked over to me clasping his hand on my shoulder as he always did. “No need to thank me, vod’ika.”

“I’ll find a way to repay you one day.”

“Just get yourself home safely. Din too.”

“I will.”

“You should get going.” He pushed and I knew I was stalling myself.

I looked down at the blanket wrapped bundle in my arms. I was terrified that leaving would erode the little trust he held to in this cold galaxy. He couldn’t understand that Din had left to protect him, and he couldn’t understand that I was leaving to protect both of them. All he’d know was more loneliness.

I couldn’t help but think of when Din had told me how he’d found him. Discarded in a pile of cargo, sealed away from the world. How haunted Din had been thinking of how long he’d been like that. I didn’t want him to feel that abandonment again.

But I couldn’t delay any longer.

Despite being in an open area I removed my helmet handing it to Tylo without even looking at him. I ran my finger down a long ear to get his attention.

“Ad’ika. Ner ad. I know you’re scared and I’m so sorry, but I have to go.” As if he understood me his lips opened and closed in a silent plea. “But I’m coming back for you. Ni bal gar buir. Gar aliit. I’ll make sure he’s safe for you little one.”

I felt tears sting harshly in the back of my eyes, but I couldn’t let them spill yet. I had to be a grounding force for him for just a little longer.

“So, I need you to be good for ba’vode Tylo and Mar, okay?”

“Paa!”

“Ni kry’tayl gar sa’ad.” The vow had flown from my lips without my consent, but I did not regret it. I had intended to say it when Din and I swore the riduurok, but it needed to be said. “Bal ni kar’taylir gar darasuum.”

His large eyes seemed to flood with tears that didn’t quite spill. I held him, my son, close to my chest and as I pulled away, I left a mournful kiss to his forehead.

As I handed him to Tylo, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was ripping my own heart out and leaving it behind.

“Paa!” He reached those little arms to me and I couldn’t stop the tears this time as I seized slightly under the income tide.

“Ret’urcye mhi, ad’ika.”

He continued to cry out for me but there was nothing I could do. So instead I did what I needed to. I pulled on my helmet and walked onto the small ship.  
  
---


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su'cuy vode
> 
> Again sorry for the long update times. Again I work in retail and currently overnights and 50 hour weeks so...yeah. Anyway enjoy your angst I hope next chapter won't take so long. Also if you havent and are interested in checking out my Mando podcast its called Briikasak: A Mandalorian Podcast and can be found on pretty much any podcast app.
> 
> Thank all of you for your continued support!!!  
> Cork

_As was always the way in any bored community, gossip traveled fast. I usually ignored any of the rumors that spread but this time the news piqued my interest. All throughout the covert a murmured sounded through the modulators of helmets, the Beroya’s son had returned._

_Din was back._

_I found myself feeling like a giddy schoolboy again. I tried to hide it putting on the mask of fierce Alor’ad I should be. But how could I not move with a joyous purpose through the maze of the newly founded covert. In a few moments I may finally feel his touch again, hear those distorted moans through his helmet, find myself laughing at the witty deadpan teasing I knew him for. I may finally have a chance to ask him to be ner riduur._

_At the very least I’d tell him how I truly felt._

_A few people shuffled through the covert going about their days as I contained the urge to run to the forge. Afterall, that had to be where he was. I couldn’t wait for him to come find me; I’d wait outside the forge myself._

_For a moment I stood outside the doorway basked in the orange and blue glow of the fire. I was willing myself not to bounce on my heels. Not only was I excited but I was also anxious. There was still so much unknown, was his buir okay? Was he? What had happened in the first place? In the last few weeks?_

_As I started pacing the small space, I peeked my head into the forge but only saw the Armorer working silently at the forge. Din wasn’t there. For a moment, my heart sunk, and I looked throughout the small hall used as a common room._

_I approached someone reading a data pad, “Excuse me, has the Beroya’s son been to the forge?”_

_His dark visor moved to meet mine, before sighing and placing the pad in his lap. “Just the Beroya now I believe.”_

_“What do you mean?” I asked through the lump in my throat._

_“Beroya’s dead. I think Din’s taking over. Poor kid seemed pretty torn up.”_

_“Vor’e,” I answered quickly before turning and leaving the room._

_This wasn’t good. None of this was good. I knew how Din could be when he was upset. If someone who barely knew him knew he was upset, he must be a mess. I had no idea where I was going but I aimlessly moved through the corridors hoping to eventually stumble upon him._

_The space was different, but it felt just as it had when I’d left for war those years ago. Now it was me running through corridors to make it to him before leaving. There was no ship bay this time just a dank sewer leading to the outside world._

_I turned a corner and nearly at the entrance I could see a silver helmet, his shoulder weighted down with a bag._

_“Din!” I didn’t think before calling out to him getting a few looks shot at me from the people wasting time in the larger hallway._

_I could see the form in front of me stop but he didn’t not turn to face me. My heart seemed to sink even lower, the vague instinct that something was wrong had solidified. Something was certainly wrong._

_“Din what’s going on?” I asked as my chest worked to catch my breath. At least this time he turned to face me, but he still looked… stiff._

_“I have to find some jobs.” He answered. His voice sounded lifeless._

_“So, what I heard about your Buir is true?” I asked in a hushed tone. Din confirmed my fear with one minute nod. “I’m so sorry, cyar’ika, are-“_

_“Please don’t call me that.” I wasn’t sure I’ve ever heard him so unsure of himself._

_“But... I ... it doesn’t matter,” I said more to myself. “Are you okay?”_

_He adjusted the bag on his shoulder. He seemed antsy. “I’m fine.”_

_“If you need anything, I’m here for you. I was a mess when my buir died. I thought I was fine for a long-“_

_“I said I’m fine.” He snapped back, and unfamiliar anger coating his voice._

_I was shocked into silence not knowing what was happening. I could understand he was emotional, but this seemed like more than that._

_“I’m just worried about you.” I eventually managed lamely._

_“Well don’t be.”_

_Not sure what I was supposed to do in this situation I huffed out a laugh. “I always worry about you verd’ika.”_

_Din let out a deep sigh, it almost sounded pained. “We’re not at war anymore, I need to move on from this.”_

_My throat felt dry. “M-move on from what?”_

_“From this. From us. From this little fling we’ve been having.” At least he had the decency to look down in shame. I couldn’t understand why he was saying this, every shift in his body language and tone was at odds with the words leaving his mouth._

_“A fling,” another humorless laughed fell from the lips despite the tears I could feel forming angerly in my eyes. “That’s what you think of this?”_

_“That’s all its ever been.” I could see his visor met mine. “War’s boring and lonely, but I don’t need that distraction anymore.”_

_“Distraction?”_

_“Don’t be naive Paz, that’s all this was.”_

_I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t think. My hand resting on the small form of a necklace in my pocket. The engagement gift I had worked on almost all year. All I could think of was his breathy laugh through his modulator, the feeling of the soft hair where his helmet met his neck, the beautiful way his body arched and moved towards me in the night. “Y-you’re lying.”_

_Once again, he shrugged the bag back on his shoulder. “I’m not.”_

_“Please, Din just talk to me. What happened? Something had to have happened.”_

_“Nothing happened.”_

_I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to grab his arm. He shrugged out of my hold. The movement sent icy angry down my spine. “It was more to you than a distraction. If it was meaningless sex you didn’t have to comfort my nightmares or stay in my bed or do the things you did for me. I love you, Din’ika and I think you love me too.”_

_“I-I’m sorry,” His voice sounded rasp with emotion. Maybe I was projecting but I swear I could hear tears in that voice. “I don’t love you. I’m sorry if I lead you on.”_

_Maybe his tears weren’t real but mine were. I wasn’t sure if I was more angry or heartbroken. I felt as if the walls and ceiling of the sewers crashed over me, as if I had no room to even expand my lungs for a breath. “I never thought you would be such a coward, Djarin.”_

_The smaller form of the man turned away from me slightly. I could see the shaky breaths through his armor. “Ret’urcye m-“_

_I didn’t let him finish. I turned and marched my way back to the covert._

_Maybe the world really did crash down around me._

I let the burn of the booze chase away the pain I felt inside me for just a small moment. I had only just finished the nerve wrecking call with Cartic that resulted in my destination and I wasn’t certain what to think about it. So instead, I imagined the liquor cleaning away that guilt and fear leaving only a faint sting all through my body. I hoped soon I’d been drunk enough to forget for just a little while.

The Crest was cold and hollow, every room every surface seemed to be haunted by another bittersweet memory. Everywhere I went was the suffocating lack of life. Paz’s bedroll and pillow folded neatly out of the way. The sleeping compartment closed off to the hull. The empty seats in the cockpit.

There was nothing here except me. The loneliness had never really bothered me before but as I sat in the cockpit drinking away the pain, I thought it near impossible for me to rest.

I toyed with the commlink, feeling over the ridged surface of the cool metal. Hearing Paz’s pleas had been hard enough but that cry from the child had left me sobbing for hours. Being faced with the agony I caused him felt like my whole form had fractured.

And even worse, whatever had happened the link was left on, so I bore witness to Paz’s desperate apologies and singing all in a horrid harmony with my sons cries for me. I hadn’t planned on drinking, but it had been inevitable after that.

Now I’d drank nearly half the hidden bottle, but it did little to numb me. As I set the bottle on the control panel, I noticed the small red light was lit on the commlink. Someone was talking into it.

I had turned the volume all the way off after earlier. It wasn’t the signal Paz sent earlier. It was just lit up holding steady. Maybe it was broken. I should probably check but dreads icy tendrils froze me for a moment.

What would I hear if I turned it up?

But what if it was important? What if something was wrong with the child? I grabbed it and turn the volume up.

“- off a call with Tylo. Don’t worry, he’s safe. Of course, Tylo offered to watch him as I looked for you. He’s good with the kid but still he couldn’t get the poor thing to sleep. I doubt he would have even called if I hadn’t asked to say good night to the little one.” He let out a shaky breath. “I miss him. Worried for him. Worried for you too.”

There was a desperation in his voice I couldn’t quite associate with him. How could my Paz sound so scared? So lonely?

Because I did this to him that’s how.

“I know if you are listening to this it is probably hurting more than helping but I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Din’ika. And- and you don’t need to feel like you have to answer, you don’t. I just... I just can stop thinking about you.”

The small confession made my heart sink so quickly I felt lightheaded. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to turn it off or answer. Frozen in indecision I keep listening.

I was surprised when what must have been a chuckle came through the speaker, or maybe it was a sob?

“You know what I keep thinking of?” He paused before sighing when he got no answer. “It was a few nights after leaving Coruscant, we were almost to Nevarro and we had just enough extra water to run one real shower. You kept denying it, but I knew you were desperate for it so after my insisting all day that it was yours you finally took it. I was cooking as you were in the fresher and then next thing I know you screamed.

“Every horrible thing that could have happened ran through my mind and without thinking I ran into the room. But instead of finding you injured or whatever, you were standing there naked. A mix between ridiculous and attractive as you’d evidently been in the middle of shaving. And in your arms the child, enthusiastic to drench himself and his clothes in the water.”

This time I was certain it was a laugh, but it somehow sounded like tears were still flowing from his eyes. “I felt horrible for walking in on you and I kept apologizing but when I went to leave you said, ‘I don’t see why both you seem to be trying to give me a heart attack but can you take him?’ It didn’t mean anything, but it was so... you. You somehow managed to calm me down while also cracking a joke. And… I just knew then, you’d be okay. After everything you’d been through you still had your dry sense of humor.”

I wiped some fresh tears from my face. I loathed this. I should just answer, just tell him I’m listening but I can’t. I don’t trust myself not to tell him where I’m going. I’d only put him in danger. I’d only hurt him again.

“Anyway, we had to fashion your shirt for the child to wear as his clothes were drying. It was still the only one you had at the time, so I offered you one of mine.” Again, there was another small laugh. This one bittersweet and short, almost just a huff of air. “I had loved seeing you in the large shirt, my shirt. I bet it’s still tucked away somewhere on the Crest. You should look for it Din and know I’m thinking of you. That I love you. That nothing will change that. You and the child will always be my family.”

My heartbeat felt labored in my chest, but I was frozen still in the horrible calm of his voice.

“I know you probably feel trapped and helpless and alone, but you aren’t. I know you have a plan but if your plan fails, I’ll still find you verd’ika. I don’t know how long it’ll take but I will never stop looking for you, please remember that. I found you once, right?”

He let out a deep sigh that I knew came with a brushing of his hair from his face. “Fuck, I’m so scared for you Din.”

It was quiet. Barely audible but in the stillness of the ship it seemed to echo.

I could never forgive myself for this pain I had caused. The trust I had betrayed. The bad memories I’d brought selfishly to the surface.

Maybe he was right. Maybe this was a rash decision. Maybe I should just call him and work all this out. My thumb hovered over the button. It’d be so easy. It may even feel like coming home.

No. I couldn’t come home. Not until my son was safe.

Instead, I shut the volume you off again. It felt like another betrayal but as much as his voice was a comfort, I needed the clarity of silence. It was horrible and painful and that’s exactly why I needed it.

I couldn’t get Paz involved.

I sat there for a while. Taking a few swigs of the liquor as I watched the blurring lines of stars in hyper speed. I found myself shivering, something especially strange since the temperature was always the same when the engine was on. But then again, I knew the body response was not from the temperature at all.

I looked back to the com. Still the light was lit. I couldn’t stand to sit in the frigid cockpit looking at the small red light a minute longer. Taking Paz’s advice, I deceived to search for this apparent shirt of his left in the _Crest_. It seemed even after all of the shit I’d put him through he still couldn’t let me suffer.

I took another deep sip from the bottle. 

As I stood to descend the ladder, I was surprise to find myself drunker than I thought I was. With the door open to the bottom level I found everything seemed to shift and sway lightly. For a moment I was almost angry. I drank to lessen the pain and yet all it left me with was dizziness and an uncertainty in my core. Maybe that always how I felt drinking alone.

It was a harsh comparison to the soft warmth of sharing wine with Cara or the Vizslas. Somehow even my drunkenness was corrupted by my loneliness. I wondered if I’d ever have another night like those ones.

As I stepped down to the main level the emptiness struck me again. How had I never noticed how much I was missing? How was it only a year ago that night like this would have been welcome? I had been content on my own. The solitude had become so familiar I had rarely even questioned it.

Now I was in agony. I missed them. My family. I was exhausted but I knew I couldn’t rest. How could I without imagining the baby’s weight on my chest and Paz’s warmth to my side? How could I sleep without the small snores and shifting blankets I’d become accustomed too?

I tortured myself thinking that the baby might be struggling to sleep for the same reason. Paz too for that matter. I checked the com to see he was still talking to it. I put it back in my pocket. I wondered if he planned to sleep at all our just talk into the com until he passed out.

A deep part of myself I hated hoped I wouldn’t need to face them again. Maybe I’d die. Maybe I’d just never be able to leave. It was a coward’s thought but then again, I wasn’t sure I wasn’t a coward after all.

I hurt them, both of them.

I could tell myself over and over again it was to keep them out of harm’s way but if I was being honest, it probably had more to do with my own fear than theirs. It was easier to put myself at risk than let them put themselves at risk with me.

It was the same logic I had used all those years ago when I left Paz the first time. When I thought of how he’d react finding me dead. I was being a selfish coward making sure he couldn’t make the decision he may have wanted.

And yet he was still trying to comfort me, sending me on this little task to keep my mind occupied. I almost wished he wouldn’t. All of this would be easier if he simply hated me, but the truth was, I don’t think that was ever the case. Even during those long years of antagonism and arguments, I think he still loved me.

At least I always had.

I let out a deep sigh. Even the air felt stiff and uncomfortable. My motions were untrained and sloppy as I tried to get my intoxicated body to do what I wanted. Why was the pain still so clear when everything else felt so foggy?

With another burning sip I started my search. First checking the fresher, where we often washed clothes. Nothing. Next, I checked the small compartment in the tiny room. A few towels, some soap, no shirt. Still I took the moment to examine the small bottle of shampoo Paz used. I thought idly that he’d miss it, he was particular about his hair there was no doubt he’d miss this bottle.

Before returning it to its spot of the shelf I indulged just for a moment and let myself get lost in the familiar smell of charcoal and coconut. I closed the door trying not to think too hard about what I’d lost.

Once again, the emptiness was unsettling. The tidy floors and open space were not what I had become used to. Usually, this time of the night would be spent cleaning up whatever the baby had used as toys that day or mopping up splashed water from his bath. Paz and I would be cleaning until we finally collapsed for the night.

It was almost funny that I missed the chaos of a night with a baby. However instead it just sent even more waves of grief through me. I wish I could see him now, watch as he slept.

I tried desperately to ignore those thoughts as I looked through the storage over the small bench that had once served as my bed. As I pulled down the seat, I couldn’t help but linger on the dark stain covering a good portion of the thin fabric. Paz and I had spent hours trying to scrub out the blood stain, but it had been a waste.

We had joked about me forever being a part of the _Crest_. It seemed morbid to think of now.

The cabinets were neat and well stocked. Nothing looked out of place or forgotten. A small cache of emergency supplies. The first aid kit full of all the best medicine. It had of course been Paz thoughtfulness that organized and stocked the supplies. The supplies had that distinct neatness of military discipline that I had never possessed.

I closed the compartments and sat back for a moment on the cold metal floor. There was nothing in any of the compartments. I wondered if Paz even believed the shirt was here.

Seeing the organized supplies only further fueled my fear that this little mission was pointless, Paz was too neat to leave his shirt in a random place. Nonetheless I continued, leaving the only place unsearched the sleep compartment.

Had anything changed? I had started believing Paz telling me just how much I’d been healing but now looking at the closed sleep compartment I felt just as helpless as I had when I first left the brothel.

I wanted to be home.

And yet I was home. This was my home, but it was just a shell without the child, without Paz. I finally bit the bolt and opened the empty sleep compartment. Surprisingly, it wasn’t quite as empty as I thought. Sitting in the middle of the cot was a black bundle of clothing.

A choked sigh passed my lips as I reached in to grab the discarded shirt. I wondered why he had just thrown it in the bed, but I didn’t care to analyze it as I held it to my chest. I took a deep breath, too desperate to be embarrassed by how much it pulled me together. The calming cocktail of his smell washed over me. Tea tree and mint from his scalp oil. The rough of scent of his charcoal soap. Just a hint of sweat.

I felt weak. I sunk down, sitting with my back to the wall of the hull. I didn’t think I could do this. I didn’t want to do this. I was terrified of what I’d be walking into once I got to this small planet Cartic was sending me to.

Maybe this was doing the opposite of comforting me. Having a physical part of him with me felt just a little like torture. I should be settling down for the night against his warm body. I should be sharing a few lazy kisses between us. Paz should be lightly teasing me about my overgrown hair. We should be making plans to retwist his dreads in the next few days.

It was a stupid thought, but I hated not knowing who he’d get to fix his hair. It was something we had shared happily in the last few months and now I may never get to do those mundane tasks with him.

Idly I wondered if the shirt had been in the compartment to calm the child or keep him warm on the cool ship. The baby always liked that, to be cuddled and nested into as many blankets and clothing as possible.

Paz knew those little habits of the child; Paz knew how to soothe him to sleep and what his favorite foods were. Paz would be a good father to him. I huffed a little thinking of my son being a Vizsla. A mixed swell of pride and fear raced through me at the thought.

At least with a well-established clan like the Vizsla’s the baby would always have someone to look out for him. I often speculated how old he’d be when I die. Would he still be a toddler when Paz or I die of old age? Would Paz taking him in eventually force Ryla into parenthood as well?

I didn’t have any answers to these horrible questions. I was small and drifting in those thoughts. I knew I’d never get the answer and it felt like a void inside me sinking me down further.

In a strange moment of desperation and loneliness, I pulled off my shirt and slipped on Paz’s. I let myself pull my knees to my chest sitting once again in the spot at the end of the child’s bed. I wished I were drunker. I wished I could forget how lonely I was in a drunken haze.

I couldn’t stand the quiet of the hull any longer. Once again, I pulled out the commlink seeing the light was still lit. I knew it would only make the pain worse, but I needed to hear his voice. It could be the last time I ever did.

With a deep breath, I clicked it on and the soft baritone of his voice both lulled and maimed me. I inhaled his scent and let myself imagine for just a moment that he was here with me.

*******

I found the air surprisingly cool.

As I stepped into the tall grass more than a few stalks still swayed in the artificial breeze of the landing engines. What had once clearly been a farm was now a wild field. The plants swayed in the breeze pulling my sight to the large residence that towered over the field.

It was old, unkempt, and unnatural. It seemed so... artificial amid the overgrowth. The abandoned nature of the planet had started to overtake the constructed buildings and roads. If I had been here under any other circumstances, I probably would have found it quite beautiful.

Now it was just haunting. It reminded me horribly of the empty _Razor Crest_.

Regardless I waged through the sea of waist high grass and weeds barring witness to my march to... whatever waited me inside. My death maybe. Or worse.

Or just maybe my freedom.

It wasn’t worth thinking about though. I had a job to do and as it had been for almost a year it was to keep my son safe. I wouldn’t fail at that.

Just as I was wondering if anyone was even aware, I was here, two guards in street clothes appeared from the main doors of the house. I guess that answered my question. They just watched as I approached, blasters held casually.

That was until I was within about twenty feet of the estate when blasters were pointed towards me.

“Hands on your head.” One commanded and I obeyed, knowing the best way to get an advantage was to appear that I was going along with it. “Now walk towards me slowly.”

With my hands on my head I did as he said making sure to take deep calming breaths to subdue some of the terror that was already rising in me. I didn’t like the idea of being helpless in a situation I already knew was high risk. But I had chosen to put myself in this position.

I felt my heart skip as one of the guards grabbed my arm and lead me inside. Every single instinct screamed at me to fight but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Cartic held too much power over me.

Every movement, every second, I had to concentrate on obeying what I was told. It was honestly more difficult than I expected. It had been the one thing in the brothel that had gotten me in the most trouble but by the end of my time there I had become accustomed to it. Now it felt like starting all over again.

No, it wasn’t starting again, it was ending it. This was the end of this chapter of my life, I just needed to make them believe it wasn’t.

I needed to make Cartic believe he had won.

I hoped he hadn’t won.

It wouldn’t be hard to appear hopeless and afraid, however it would be hard not to let those emotions overtake my common sense. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help thinking of what Paz had said to me last night just before he fell asleep still speaking into the link.

That I was a survivor and stronger than I knew.

I hope I wouldn’t be letting him down once again.

As we entered the rundown mansion one guard motioned to the wall next to the door. “Hands on the wall, legs spread.”

He holstered the pistol he was holding but I could still feel the rifle pointed at me by his colleague. He kicked the inside of my boot and I took another step further into the stance. It felt far too vulnerable, far too familiar, but I forced myself to stand still anyway.

He patted me down for weapons starting at my wrist and as his hand checked my chest and back, I wondered if he could feel my hammering heartbeat, I wondered if they knew why I was here. Were they loyal servants or hired guns?

Knowing where their loyalties lied could be the difference between life or death.

I could feel my heighten senses hum through my form from the adrenaline. It didn’t help my anxiety that the guard’s hands seem to linger on my thighs as he checked for weapons. Then again, I could just be paranoid.

“I think he’s good.” Muttered the guard with the rifle.

“Don’t be so uptight,” he answered before eventually backing away but not without sliding his hand from my thigh over my ass. “It’s what he’s here for anyway.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the other responded it a way that made me certain he knew exactly why I was here.

I found myself clenching my fists where they rested on the wall over my head. I hated how familiar this felt. How my body no longer reacted by instinct to the unwanted touch. I hated the way they talked as if I was just an object. As if I wasn’t standing right in front of them. I wanted to say all of that to their faces, but I bit my tongue.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself.” The touchy one laughed as he used one hand to turn me around. He was holding a pair of binders much like the ones I used, and I could feel the ice in my veins. “Give me your hands, sweetheart.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t do as he said instead holding my hands to my chest. He just stared at me waiting with the open binders. I barely even felt like I possessed my body at this point. I could feel myself dissociating more and more.

I couldn’t do it. Why was this the thing that got me? This fear was supposed to have been trained out of me. A beroya had to accept the fact that they often ended up in their own binders. I had practiced often how to fight in and remove them. But being bound here with all the other danger present was simply too much. It felt too much like being led to slaughter.

“You just checked for weapons, are those necessary?” I asked in a voice much weaker than I was used to.

The touchy one smirked a little while the one with the rifle frowned. “Boss’ orders.”

I still hesitated. It reminded me of nevarro. It reminded me of the brothel. Of aching muscle and never healing bruises.

This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here like this. I thought for the child, for Paz, I could keep it together but already I was gripping for my sanity. My heart hammered and my breath was swallow and weak.

“We’re just gonna have to force them on if you don’t give me your hands.”

It was said in such a matter of fact way, I had a moment of clarity and placed my wrist in front of me to be cuffed. It went against every impulse, but I knew an episode was hovering over my being and being maneuvered in cuffs would certainly be the last straw.

He hummed as the heavy plastisteel locked into place. I was so focused on noticing the weight change on my arms and how I could use it to my advantage that I barely noticed being lead away from the door.

When the hired gun that had previously been holding the rifle grabbed my arm to turn a corner, I jumped from surprise but forced myself to settle down. It wasn’t that hard after he instantly took his hand away deciding to instead point which way we were going.

I found the small kindness paired with his earlier defense of me strange. Unlike the other man he didn’t seem to be enjoying this or giggling as if it was a school yard joke, so why was he here? How did this man end up in Cartic’s circle?

I risked a quick glance in my peripherals and noticed he was watching me as well. I could feel each of our unasked questions in the uncomfortable air.

“We’re almost there.” He said and it seemed more to be a reminder to himself than anything else.

Regardless I tensed, struggling to swallow around the uncomfortable lump in my throat. With my hands held in the cuffs in front of me I was forced to watch as they began to shake. I heard a deep sigh and looked to see the man lick his lip before asking in a hushed tone, “If you’re so scared why are you doing this?”

My feet stopped and I half expected him to pull me along down the dusty hall but instead he just waited patiently for an answer. I wasn’t sure if I should give one.

“You don’t seem to happy about this yourself,” I quipped back.

“Not necessarily, but I do what I have to do.”

A wave of clarity crashed over me. I had certainly done questionable things for the Tribe, but I would do anything for my son. I sighed, “How old’s your kid?”

He studied my face a moment but we both knew how we ended up here. He started walking again and I followed.

“Ones 6, the others 10. Two girls.” I could hear the mixture of pride and longing in his voice. The plight of a father. “Yours?”

I sighed noticing the stiff movement of my pocket where the drawing of him was. I decided to go the easier route to explain his age. “Young toddler, probably just under 1. I adopted him so... can’t know for sure.”

The man nodded in understanding. With the mystery of our presence in this corpse of a house solved we spent the rest of the trek in silence and it wasn’t long before we stopped in front of a set of worn wooden doors.

I knew what was waiting for me just beyond those doors. Or maybe I didn’t? The only thing I could be sure of was the fear surging through my body with each pounding of my heart. What if this was a mistake? What if he simply planned to kill me and still send hunters after the child? Or what if he wanted me alive simply so I could be ‘his?’

Would I even have an opportunity to fight before he... or would he just get right to the point?

It was real now.

The guard looked over to me again waiting for my reassurance or response? It seemed there was more to say. It seemed to me that I could not simply be here. There should have been a chase or a fight or... something. A vague threat and gram was not how I imagined this happening.

I had hoped desperately it wouldn’t happen but Cartic found the one way to get me right where he wanted me without even lifting a finger. I despised that he read me so easily and I couldn’t help but think of Paz and Cara joking that my every thought played on my face. It seemed Cartic proved that theory right.

With a swallow around the lump in my throat I nodded to the guard who quickly knocked on the door before opening it with a loud creak.

He stepped inside.

I hesitated.

A figure stood in front of a window. Wisps of smoke clouding and fading as they snaked towards the ceiling. The room was large. Well-kept unlike nearly every other part of the rundown mansion.

The furniture was new and clearly expensive. A small seating area was just behind to figure I wished to ignore for just a little longer. A refresher was off to the side of the space, but my quick observation ended when I noticed the small enclave with a large bed.

I couldn’t catch my breath

I couldn’t step in further.

I was frozen. Trapped. Helpless. I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t terrified. That I was ready for this. That I prepared for this and I had been trained over and over on worse case scenarios.

How did I think I was prepared for this? How had I ended up here? I had laid in that bed with Paz to my side and I made this choice. I had left. I had listened to his pleas. Fuck, I had even recorded a message for him if I died. But none of it helped. Every nerve was on fire. Every muscle contracted. Every thought polluted by my own terror and adrenaline.

“You and the rest of the staff are dismissed for the night.” Cartic’s voice bounced in my ears.

“But... sir, isn’t that dangerous?” The guard asked in a shaky voice.

It was only then that Cartic turned to face us. I held my eyes up, forcing myself to hide the hurricane of emotion in me. His icy blue eyes looked me over landing a moment on my bound hands to smirk before finally meeting my eyes.

I hoped they did not betray me.

“Why would it be dangerous? Just two old friends catching up, isn’t that right Din?”

I only kept eye contact refusing to agree and too uncertain in my voice to argue.

Cartic only smiled. He snuffed out the cigarette in an ashtray on the small table by the seating area. Cartic’s stare landed on the hired gun, it was one I knew well, fuming at disobedience. “I said you were dismissed. And I better not see any other staff in the building until the morning.”

I could feel the man’s eyes on me but didn’t look. Finally, he got some sense and left the room.

Cartic motioned to the seat across from him as he poured a drink.

My legs felt weak, but I marched further into my fate nonetheless.  
  
---


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su cuy' vode
> 
> Well... were really almost there now. This chapter took a lot for me to get it right so I really hope you like it! Please please let me know what you think, I can't tell you how much it means to me to see your comments
> 
> Thank you all  
> Cork

The mansion creaked and shifted beyond the ringing in my ears as the few people occupying it left for the night. In only a few minutes, I’d be completely alone with Cartic. With whatever he had planned for me. With my nightmares. This felt like a nightmare. Distant and cold. I could barely remember how I’d gotten here.

“Come here,” His voice broke my fog. I stared emptily at the afternoon sun, the warm orange light flooding the lavish room. How long would it be until another living being was in this house? “Din. Come here.”

I needed to do what he said. For my son’s safety. For my half assed plan. For my safety.

For just a second longer I looked at the closed door. I forced another shaky breath into my lungs before walking over to the seating area. The bed loomed, an observer to whatever Cartic intended.

A reminder of what I really was.

Cartic was looking at me with hungry eyes. I clenched my fists feeling the dull pain of the short nails digging into my palms. I didn’t think I could do this. I didn’t think I could have a normal conversation with him. I didn’t think I could stand to occupy the same space as him, breath the same air.

He beckoned me closer. I was within his grasp, he leaned on the arm of a lavish chair. There was a grin contorting his fair features, “Let me get a look at you.”

I couldn’t move under his scrutiny. It was too familiar, yet the person I felt myself regressing too was foreign. I wasn’t him anymore, not like I had been. His stare sent goosebumps over my being. I swore I could already feel his traitorous hands on me.

“At least it seems that brute is taking care of you. You look good,” He reached down and grabbed another cigarette and balanced it in his lips. He stared at me waiting. A tense moment passed, and I couldn’t figure out why he was just looking at me until he held a lighter out in the palm of his hand. I ground my teeth feeling the anger swell from my chest to my fingertips, still I grabbed the small lighter and lit the cigarette awkwardly with my wrists bound. Cartic smiled smugly as he leaned back. “You seem healthy, I’m glad. I was worried about you I always heard Vizsla’s were cruelly violent and short tempered.”

All the heat from the anger dissipated as the icy fear replaced it. He shouldn’t know who Paz was. He couldn’t know. The child would be safer if he were in the care of someone anonymous. How did he know? 

Cartic laughed. “Ah, so I am right? I assumed so. Everyone knows Death Watch didn’t completely die off.”

Again, the fury swelled, this time accompanied by sinking guilt. With out saying a word I managed to confirm his suspicions. I couldn’t seem to find anything to say. Already, he had burrowed his way into my mind, working to confuse and disarm me.

“Oh darling, don’t be so surprised you show your every thought right on your face.” He gestured to a desk in front of the window, “Probably didn’t matter when you were still wearing that thing.”

I only then noticed the desk let alone the two pieces of my armor he had used to bait me here. The soft light gleamed on the clean, silver beskar. My throat was tight seeing it there staring at the scene. I wanted horribly to simply slip it on, to end this and pretend none of this had ever happened. How amazing would it be to play that character again, to be the stoic, strong Beroya again.

Not the shattered man I am now.

He took a long drag of the cigarette into his lungs, the scent of the smoke was a horrible reminder of all the time I’d spent with him. “Don’t worry I won’t hurt him without reason.”

I looked from the helmet back to him. I wasn’t sure who he was talking about, but I didn’t believe him anyway, Cartic was selfish, jealous and greedy. If he thought something was taken from him, he’d do anything to fix that perceived misjustice.

“That is unless you want him dead. It wouldn’t be too difficult even without you telling me his name. Did you know some people have spent years tracing Mandalorian family lines? I heard Pre Vizsla even had a sister, a former Nite Owl who had two sons, one adopted.”

This line of conversation was making me sick. I couldn’t perceive why anyone would study another culture’s family lines and politics. It disgusted me to think of, especially since this information was being used to track down the living. It disgusted me because his information was correct.

“I’d assume from his height and body structure, his is the adopted one, doesn’t have that slim Vizsla figure.”

My throat felt nearly closed.

“So? Would you like me to kill him?” He smirked as he said it. Cartic already knew the answer.

“No. No, I-I don’t want him dead.” My voice was so shaky it was barely audible.

Caritc’s grin grew, “Good to hear your voice. Alright, I’ll leave your boy alone.”

“Why am I here?” Finally finding my voice, I wanted my questions answered. I wanted to get whatever this was over with.

“Well, why are you?”

I held back the urge to roll my eyes. “You said if I came and had a ‘conversation’ with you, you’d give me my armor.”

Having finished the cigarette, Cartic sat in the chair he’d been leaning on and left the butt in the ash tray. “So eager to get to business, huh?”

“What can I say,” I answered as I sat across from him, acutely aware of the binders on my wrist, of the uncomfortable pull on my shoulders. “I’m not a big fan of small talk.”

“What a pity,” He still wore that infuriating grin. “You make quite good company.”

“Do you keep all your ‘company’ in binders?” I asked holding my wrist up.

Cartic’s laugh sounded more like a scream. “Only the company that could kill me.”

“I thought this was just old friends catching up. Nothing dangerous here, right?”

He leaned forward with elbows on his knees, “I am no fool, Din, and neither are you so how about we drop the matter.”

I placed my hands back in my lap. I knew he wouldn’t relent anyway. However, I also knew he felt like he had won this one. I could tell from the way he relaxed back into the chair.

“So? What is this conversation you wish to have?” I tried to inject as much venom as I could into the question. I knew what he wanted, and it wasn’t a conversation.

“Surely you don’t think I brought you here under false pretenses?”

“No, you brought me here under threat to my child.”

He frowned, looking into my eyes for longer than needed. Regardless I held his stare determined not to give him any ground where the child was concerned. Cartic’s cobalt eyes were pinning me in place. They attempted to rip into my soul to pull me apart with just a look. I held myself together.

He sighed.

“Yes, that was quite unpleasant, but I know how stubborn you can be.” Two glasses of dark liquid were poured from a decanter, one was handed to me. Cartic took a long sip. I did not. “I have a proposal for you, Din.”

“And what kind of proposal is that?” I asked unsure where he was going with this. Anything my mind could conjure was horrifying.

“Go ahead. You can drink it.”

“I’d rather not.”

Cartic clicked his tongue, “Now don’t be rude. I know you enjoy whiskey, and this is a very expensive bottle I bought specifically with you in mind.”

I looked down at the expensive glass of expensive liquor held between my bound hands. The sight was ridiculous. As I glanced up, Cartic took another hearty drink watching me over the lip of the glass. How could he always tell what I was thinking?

I held it to my lips, I took a deep breath aware of any poison warning signs, there weren’t any. With both hands I emptied half the glass in a manner that cruelly reminded me of the child sipping from cups clumsily with both hands. The thought burnt far worse than the smooth whiskey.

He smiled, clearly happy I had obeyed his order.

“So? This proposal?” I was finished with his games and tests, and I’d only just arrived.

“Yes, of course. No small talk, right?” He finished his drink and set it on the thick wooden table. “It’s a business proposal, one for which I could use your… expertise.”

I swallowed, “What kind of business.”

“A brothel,” He smiled, evaluating my reaction. I tried to keep the disgust out of my face. I doubted I was successful. “Higher class than that shitty whorehouse I found you in, of course.”

“I’m not interested.” My heart hammered fiercely in my chest.

“Now wait a moment, Din, you haven’t heard the whole pitch.”

I grit my teeth biting back the many insults my tongue wished desperately to let free. “I don’t need to. I value my freedom too highly.”

“You misunderstand. I want you to be my business partner, not a working boy.”

I felt tears sting in my eyes. I held them back.

“I would find the right location, bring in the right clientele and you would provide me with the highest quality product for them.”

“Product?”

“Yes. You’d operate as security and a liaison between them and me.”

“Security for who? The ‘clients’?”

“Both. As I said, I want the best product for the best clients so no bruises or cuts or exposed ribs. No one will be starving and beaten like you were.”

“And will you own or rent this… product?”

“A little of both.”

“And why would I do this?”

“It’s a dangerous galaxy out there. You want your boy safe. You want to be there for him? The poor kid shouldn’t have to grow up without a father. And I’ll pay you well. You will only be required for a few weeks to find and hire staff after that I’ll only require you to be there on the busiest days.”

“And what about you? Why hire me? Surely there are better people for this job?”

“There are,” He took another drink, eyeing me over the rim of the glass. “But our product will be able to connect with you. You’ll care about them.”

“And that’s all?”

“Well, I would expect some time with you. So, you can show me your gratitude of course. Let’s say one weekend a month. You come here. We spend the weekend together.” 

“I thought I wouldn’t be a ‘working boy’?”

“You won’t. Only me.”

“Only you?”

“Only me. No one will even need to know, and I’ll let you go about your life away from me however you please as long as I see no…proof of it.”

“And if I refuse?”

“Well, I’ll be extremely disappointed but that’s all. You leave and I’ll stay away, but I will also not actively work to stop any danger from finding you.”

“How do I know you can even guarantee my safety?”

“I have quite a few connections, darling. Including New Republic. I can get you, the child and even the Vizsla new chain codes. Official chain codes. I can and have been monitoring Empire remnants interest and can warn of any alarming threats.”

I finished the drink. I didn’t want to think of what he was offering, of what it required of me. The information didn’t seem to fully absorb. How could it?

“So, what do you say?” In a fluid motion he outstretched his pale hand towards me.

I couldn’t do it, right? I’d be involved. I’d be there. I’d see the people who worked there, the people who came there. I’d be a part of it. An image of Paz grabbing a bouncer, yelling at him over not protecting me, who he assumed was a stranger, came to mind. Paz snapping the leg of a john. Paz throwing credits on the ground angry.

What would he say?

I know what he’d say. He’d tell me we should fight instead of compromising our morals. Paz is a romantic though, his views were strict and idealistic. I admired that about him, in a way it was the reason he stood up for me to the Tribe, to the Alor herself. Paz was ready to leave everything behind because of their denial of me. The perceived perversion of their morals.

If I did this, he’d leave me behind too. I knew that.

But I could make sure he was safe, and more importantly, the child would be safe. That’s what mattered to me. That’s all that matter to me.

I’d do anything to keep him safe.

Cartic knew that. That’s the whole reason he was asking this because he knew I’d consider it. He wanted to see how far he could push that principle. He wanted to see what he could make me do, how much I would truly sacrifice for the child.

I hated that I was considering it, but I was. How could I not? It’d solve so many problems for us. It’d destroy me. I knew that, but I’d probably be killed anyway, and he was right, I wanted to be there for him.

But the thought I had been ignoring couldn’t be kept from my mind any longer. The people I’d be working with. The people Cartic called ‘product’. I couldn’t help thinking of those young men in that small brothel, of the woman who taught me to hide bruises and cuts with makeup.

I thought of that man who told me the hard truth in an Ord Mantell cantina kitchen. Of how I never learned his name. Of how I found his body only a few days later, bruises on his neck abandoned in a back room. I thought of how the bouncers told me to get back to work minutes after.

I’d seen a lot of the galaxy, I’d always known the brothels and whorehouse existed, but I hadn’t thought that much of it. Now I seemed to see it all around me. It existed everywhere, on nearly every planet and culture.

This would always exist.

Maybe I could help the few people under my protection? Maybe I could make this galaxy just a little bit easier for them? Would it even matter? It might.

“This is a limited time offer, Din.”

I looked up. Cartic was staring at me patiently, hand still outstretched. I could still kill him. I would still kill him, but it needed to be at the best time for our survival.

I swallowed.

Threw back my drink.

I shook his hand.

My bound wrist made it uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to the nausea rising in me. He’d forced me into this place. I was agreeing to more than just this job and I knew that he knew that. Those few months of happiness were far behind me know.

“I’m so glad to be working with you.”

“And I’d get my armor?” I asked realizing he hadn’t specifically mentioned it.

“Of course,” He smiled wider, something sly and cunning. “I have something much better now.”

I suppressed the shiver that threatened to run down my spine. The tension of the day was making me antsy. “Then I guess our business is concluded for now?”

“Surely you don’t wish to rush off so quickly?” Cartic stood settling on the arm of the absurdly expensive chair I was sitting in. I looked forward helplessly clenching my fist as he brushed some of my hair from my brow. It was a crude imitation of a gentleness he didn’t possess. “We haven’t sealed our day. I need to make sure I’m getting what I want as well.”

My heart pounded painfully in my chest. I tried to force my lungs to take in calming breaths, but shaky gasps were all I could manage. I needed to pull myself together. I had just moments ago agreed to this.

The lights seemed to flash as his hand left a scorching trail down my face before grabbing my jaw and turning my head sharply to meet his gaze. “Don’t worry, darling, were business partners now,” Cartic loosened his harsh grasp to instead awkwardly stroke the overgrown facial hair under his hand. “Everything you need to…prepare… is in the fresher.”

I was stunned, having no idea how to respond to any of this. To be honest, he had never offered this _kindness_ to me before. Yet his rough grip ached slightly. Just as suddenly as he grasped me, he let go. Cartic stood and walked over to the desk, looking at my helmet curiously.

“Go ahead. And don’t take too long.”

I swallowed dryly but stood anyway and wandered towards the door of the fresher. I was a little disturbed by this whole situation, but I knew taking advantage of this opportunity would be the wise choice. Only then did I realize my hands were still bound.

The light flickered slightly again. The blood still rushed in my ears.

“I-I won’t be able to reach with my hands bound.” I stated into the quiet room.

He turned, grinning at me over his shoulder. “That certainly would be difficult.”

“I already agreed,” I reminded him. “You know I won’t risk the child. If you truly want to be business partners, you’ll have at least let me out of binders at some point.”

He was quiet for a moment and I wondered if I had made a mistake if I had overstepped some line in the sand. My anxiety was rising again, how could it get any higher? This was all head games and Cartic always seemed to be three steps in front me. Finally, he sighed and walked across the large room to me.

I stood with my back nearly to the wall by the ‘fresher as Cartic moved into my personal space. He made sure to look into my eye and I struggled to keep the contact. “Listen to me carefully. If you try anything, anything at all, you will pay a fair price for your disobedience.”

He grabbed my wrists jerking them quickly and awkwardly until they rested in front of my chin.

“Do you understand?”

I knew from the look in his eyes the answer he wanted, “Yes Cartic.”

He smiled. I frowned around the shame I felt deep in my gut. Cartic rotated the binders so he could key in the code to release them, my ears were poised to hear the pattern of tones in hope of learning the combination.

However, after only the second tone, the lights once again flickered over and over until finally they flashed off. There was no sound as I held my breath wondering what had happened. Cartic just studied my confused face until eventually he rolled his eyes. “Fucking rats, been chewing the wires for weeks now.”

It wasn’t yet dark out, but the light seemed so natural in comparison as it spilled through the glass. It washed over me as I was reminded of the galaxy I knew still exist outside of this room. This was not a nightmare. My home. My family were real, permeant. This, this was only a momentary struggle that would ultimately end. I’d be home again.

In that light I remembered the morning Nevarro sun splashing over dark skin, I remembered a small weight huddled under my chin and an overwhelming warmth in my chest.

I’d see them again. I knew it. They would not need to see those holovids I recorded.

As Cartic resumed working on the binders I felt a strength, a hope, I hadn’t since leaving that small compartment.

A loud noise cracked in my ears.

Orange and red filled the field outside of the window.

The rickety building rocked with the force of an explosion.

Our eyes met again, confusion reflected like a mirror.

This was my moment.

This was my chance.

My bound arms swung with as much force as I could muster, knuckles making contact with his chin, but the unusual momentum had me momentarily losing my balance. Cartic was quicker on his feet than I assumed, and he used that moment to push me forward onto the ground.

I was ready to push myself up when the first kick hit just under my ribs. On instinct I collapsed further only to receive a few more furied blows to my abdomen. “How dare you?! What did I say!”

His voice was fading into the background, but I knew how to survive a beating. I curled around the blows, I tried to force air in my lungs. One landed near my ear and I struggled to keep consciousness for a second. Finally, he took a deep breath, I couldn’t hear anything over the horrible ringing in my ears.

“Fucking whore, I told you what would happen if you brought anyone!”

I couldn’t understand what he meant until suddenly the distinct click of blaster fire could be heard. I had no clue who it was or why, but Cartic was threatening my son and that snapped my mind back into clarity.

He moved toward the desk and seating area and in a quick motion I grabbed his ankle and pulled as hard as I could. With a satisfying smack he fell, head hitting a hard stone table by one of the chairs.

Cartic didn’t attempt to get back up, not immediately. He didn’t know how to take a beating, only how give them. Groans escaped his lips as he tried to find his bearings.

Crawling on my knees, exhausted from the blows and dizzy from the kick in the head I didn’t trust myself to stand, I moved closer to his body. Cartic still seemed to be barely moving and a small pool of blood was forming near his head. I had the horrible thought that he might die from something as painless as a head injury. The hut’uun better say alive long enough for me to kill him properly.

He barely noticed as I hooped my bound arms around his neck, leveraging my body behind him, I used the hard metal binders to cut off his breathing. That got his attention. As if resurrected he flailed and elbowed and fought against me, it was a pathetic attempt, still I loosen my grip giving him a moment to breathe.

My mouth was both dry and sticky as blood seemed to flood my mouth and throat. “Take them off now. Get them off or I’ll kill you right here.”

He gave no answer, instead gasping desperately. The blaster fire had seized. Whatever was happening here I had no time for Cartic to catch his breath.

I pulled the binders even tighter effectively cutting off his airway, I knew exactly the right spot on his throat, I knew how long it usually took for someone to pass out. He was already growing weaker in my arms though, struggling less and less instead grabbing and clawing at the chunky metal closing his airway.

“Undo them now!” I yelled not thinking to stay hidden from whoever seemed to be breaching the building.

Finally, with clumsy frantic movements Cartic got a hold of the control and after one failed attempt, they released me with a satisfying ding. As they fell to the floor, he struggled against his bruising neck to pull in any oxygen.

Already he had given up any fight he previously possessed. Clearly, he’d never been in a real fight, not with someone as experienced as I was. He just laid on the ground, eyes wide and red around the edges from burst blood vessels. Suddenly I wasn’t sure what to do next.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, the sound of creaking wood echoed up the hall. Something was coming and they were getting closer.

I snapped into action. As quickly as I could I checked the window by the desk, no ledge to climb down from only a two-story fall. Not a great option without armor and what was most likely a few broken ribs. I looked back. Cartic was still on the floor.

I grabbed the old wooden chair, placed it in the center of the room. With a horrible complaint from my stomach, I managed to drag him up onto the chair. I made sure he couldn’t reach the controls as I bound his arms behind the back to the chair.

“Are there any weapons here?”

He didn’t answer but looked up through the veil on blood dripping over his eyes from the split in his scalp.

I couldn’t waste time getting an answer from him. I heard the small noise of boots on the creaky stairs over the renewed ringing in my ears. Frantically I ripped drawers open one by one, not bothering to close them. A locked compartment in the desk was my last hope, I struggled against the lock, but it was old and finally it bent under my assault. I pulled the door from the hinges.

A small blaster sat on a shelf.

The footsteps were close.

It’d have to do.

I pointed the blaster to Cartic who’d been suspiciously quiet since he released me, maybe I’d managed to bruise his vocal cords, that’d be helpful. “Don’t make a noise.”

Again, no acknowledgement of even hearing me other than that bloody stare. It didn’t matter anyway. I placed my back to the wall just on the side of the door hoping whoever was here was alone, I only picked up one set of footsteps and it took them awhile to sweep the house, so I doubted it was a team. If that was the case, I might have a chance.

I checked the dusty weapon, I just prayed it wouldn’t jam.

The knob turned just barely, testing for a lock. Adrenaline surged as the knob clicked and the door swung open hitting the wall on the other side of the entry. I didn’t let my self think as I fired a bolt into the intruder.

It didn’t hit, I thought it hit?

I fired again. They moved closer blaster pointed in my direction but hesitated. Before I could fire again, they dropped their blaster to the floor, grabbed mine instead. My arm was twisted, my blaster fell as well, I threw a punch, my knuckles burned at the unmoving mass.

My wrists were bound again. No, not bound, held, pushed against my chest. Pinned, disarmed. I couldn’t see through the fear and excitement and pain. The grip was not painful but everything else was.

A voice carried through the fog, but it was distant, a dream maybe? A memory?

_Din? Din’ika? Are you injured?_

I knew the voice, deep and sweet. I’d heard it most my life, in training, in barracks, in sewers, in my damn bed. I gave up that voice.

_Come on, come back to be Cyare. Its Paz, I’m right here for you. I came to help. Verd’ika?_

I left Paz behind. I left in the middle of the night. I left without goodbye.

_“Din? Can you hear me? You’re just having an episode. Can you nod that you hear me?”_

I heard the voice, but it couldn’t be real, I must have a concussion. I couldn’t help but listen to the ghost in my mind. My head bobbed up and down.

_Good. Good. Did- did he touch you?_

_A-as if I’d be the first time._

My line of vision blurred, blue and red, the orange of the sun. The new voice sounded rough and raw, but I recognized the terror it sent through me all the same. It was the reason I had come here. It spoke the truth with the cadence of an insult. I burned with shame.

There was a whole galaxy outside this room. Outside this moment. Was there? Or was all of that just a sweet dream as well? Another ghost?

_Shut up._

_He agreed to it, I didn’t even need to beg._

_Tion’liser ni susulor, cyar’ika?_

Yes. I could hear the voice. The short syllables flowed through my memory. I loved hearing them in that beautiful voice. The words safe and welcoming.

_Gar atin’la. Gar cuyan. K’olar, Din._

_Kaysh chaavla._

_Ne’johaa!_

_Bal kaysh nibral._

It sounded wrong on his foreigner’s tongue. It made me sick, violating me once again. Taking my own past, my own culture from me.

_Nar’sheb!_

The harsh voice laughed. Suddenly Paz wasn’t in front of me. Why was Paz even here? I wanted him here, but he shouldn’t be here. There was a pause and Cartic choked, Paz’s hands tightening around his throat.

I seemed to be reunited with my senses. I could see again. I could hear and feel and think, and I felt suffocated under the sudden weight of my surroundings and emotions. All the stimulus my mind had blocked exploded over me.

Somehow Paz was here, he had come for me. He shouldn’t have.

Cartic’s throat clicked audibly as he struggled against Paz’s crushing hold. He would kill him. It wouldn’t even be hard from him.

“Paz! Stop!” The voice that left me didn’t feel quite like mine.

Paz turned to face me dropping his hands and moving to kneel in front of me on the floor. When had I gotten on the floor?

“Din? Din are you with me?”

I nodded but my eyes were still focused on Cartic. He had started to catch his breath and smirked at me from where he sat bloody in the chair. He still believed he had the upper ground somehow.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, no just bruised.”

Paz let out a relieved sigh. “He didn’t touch you? I just need to make sure you’re safe. I don’t bl-“

“No. I’m fine. He didn’t get the chance.” Finally, I looked into the dark visor and I knew he was searching for the truth in my eyes.

Eventually he stood and reached out his arm to me. I clasped my hand to his forearm and let him pull me to my feet. My head spun a moment but I kept my balance.

Paz’s hand lingered on my arm in a question. A touch that was so unsure it shouldn’t belong to Paz. He was confident if nothing else. I couldn’t help worrying over what he may be thinking in that moment.

I wanted to ask, there was so much I wanted to know, but as there always seemed to be there were more pressing matters at hand.

Cartic was watching us with calculated eyes, not watching, studying. Still that smirk sat on his face. He was bound and beaten yet he managed to find pleasure in my mental break. He had tried to prolong it, spitting insults in Mando’a just to further my confusion. Cartic enjoyed nothing more than sowing chaos and pain.

Paz had asked me something, but I hadn’t noticed, instead I stepped past him, ire and spite fueling me as I approached the chair. He looked up at me. Opened his mouth to speak. I didn’t let him. I threw a punch hard into his chin. I watched as it rattled him, the pain registered on his face, eyes unfocused, smirk gone.

“Tell me what you know of the child.”

This time when he looked up at me there was fear hidden behind his cold eyes. “He’s wanted. Bounties only growing. Unknown species. And… you’d do anything for it.”

The answer didn’t sit right in me. “What else? You said you’d contact Gideon, how?”

Cartic laugh hysterically, red hair coated in blood fell over his eyes. “There’s no contact.”

“What do you mean?” My teeth were clenched tight, I had no time for these games.

“I lied,” His smirk reappeared and somehow, he managed to lounge while bound in the chair. “It was a bluff. I have no contact.”

I couldn’t help the instinct to strike him, another hard hit to his jaw that left my knuckles aching. “You’re lying.”

“I-I’m not.” He managed out between laughs and I horribly realized he must be right. Once again, he manipulated me, he’d fooled me again. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand that I came here for no fucking reason. I wouldn’t play anymore games.

I let the anger overtake me as I beat him as hard as I could. His stomach, his ribs, his face, it didn’t matter I needed him to feel a fraction of the pain he caused me. I needed him to regret making me come here.

“Din…” Paz’s hand on my shoulder pulled out of it and I stood back to look at him. Cartic had no information and no use to me.

I licked my dry lips and was surprised to taste blood. It didn’t alarm me though instead it almost calmed me. For the first time in months, I realized I didn’t feel like I was in danger. Despite all his talking and laughing, Cartic’s head was starting to lull. I could see the bruises forming on his neck, a straight purple line from the binders and the red branches of Paz’s fingers. Some blood, both dried and flowing covered nearly half his face from the blow to his head earlier.

The grin came over me without realizing it. He was defeated. Still alive but beaten and bound and completely in my control. I took a knee in front of the chair almost excepting him to try and kick me away, but he just sat there holding my eyeshot.

Still, I just stared, thinking what to do next. Paz stood patiently just to my right; he’d follow my led. He knew what this meant to me.

I could see his large boot just to my side, I could imagine he was still scared for me even with Cartic like this. The streaming light of the setting sun gleamed off the small hilt of a knife tucked into his boot.

I didn’t need to think anymore.

There was no noise as I unsheathed the ordinary blade from its spot. In one smooth motion I jabbed it just below Cartic’s ribs deep into his abdomen. I didn’t even need to break the eye contact for the whole movement, and I watched as the panic and pain flashed fiercely in his eyes.

After a pained scream, his quick gasps of air were the only noise besides Paz shifting his weight next to me.

I know exactly where I wounded him. It would not be fatal. At the worst I may have hit his stomach or intestines, but more likely it would have just cut straight through the painful wall of muscle there.

His eyes rolled back just barely, and I was afraid he might pass out. I snapped in front of his face. “Hey! Hey! Stay awake.”

Cartic’s sickly blue eyes crossed before finally focusing on my face with a groan.

“It’s painful isn’t it?”

“Please,” he choked out and I had to contain a smile at the rasp in his throat.

I leaned closer, hand still on the modest knife stuck in his belly. I added just a little more pressure and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Maybe you should beg for it?” Without looking I could feel Paz tense next to me, but I ignored him. “Isn’t that what you used to say to me?”

“I’m sorry, please,” he begged as a few tears moved sluggishly through the mess of blood on his cheek. I guess he finally realized he no longer had the upper hand. His life was in my control.

I loosened the grip on the knife but did nothing else to stop the pain. “Would you have helped if I begged? Did you ever help when I begged?”

“Din...” I could hear the mix of concern and fear in Paz’s voice.

“K’uur!” I hushed him and he shifted but said nothing.

“Please,” Cartic begged again.

“Answer me!” I demanded tightening the grip and tilting it upwards just slightly.

He cried out at the movement. “No! No, I wouldn’t have.”

“That’s what I thought.” With another quick movement I pulled the knife out letting the blood quickly soak his shirt. I was surprised I didn’t feel as satisfied as I thought I would. He was crying out begging me to stop but still it did little to seal that hole in me.

With his arms still bound behind him, Cartic struggled to get a look at the wound. The pained noises of an animal dying passed his lips. I could imagine the discomfort of the heavily flowing blood.

“You should end this, verd’ika,” Paz urged in a hushed tone. Sweet and understanding but just a hint worried. I knew he wasn’t judging me, rather making sure I wasn’t reopening my own freshly healed wounds.

Cartic’s head snapped up from examining his abdomen to meet my gaze with his frantic eyes. “No, no don’t kill me. Please Kuiil I’ll do anything.” He paused for a moment to take a shaking breath, “I don’t want to die. There’s... there’s... Bacta in the ‘fresher please-“

I leaned back on my heels having zoned out the string of pleas escaping him. Instead, I heard Paz huff out a breath of disbelief as I stared at the knife in my hand.

The whole galaxy seemed to narrow down on that moment. It was a modest knife and I found it strange that Paz would even keep a knife on him that did not have a vibroblade. Then again it was tucked into the boot on his non dominant side, probably a last-ditch defense he rarely used.

I was vaguely aware of a conversation happening between the other two men in the room, but I was mesmerized but the slow drip, drip of blood from the tip of the knife. A small stain of gore discolored the leg of my pants. The knife looked almost familiar, but I couldn’t figure out from where.

“-hey, Din.” Paz got my attention and I looked up from my spot kneeling on the floor. Even leaned forward to catch my eye he towered over me. The area around his fuel hose was not only damp but also a deep red from the blood running down his arm. He must have been injured earlier. “What do you want to do?”

I looked back at Cartic, the pathetic dying sounds coming from him. It was ridiculous, yes it was painful, but he’d be more likely to die from septic in the coming days than bleeding out here and now.

He looked up to sheepishly meet my stare.

“Get the bacta.”

“Din? You can’t be serious?” Paz grunted out through clenched teeth.

I looked up to meet the cold gaze of his visor. “Paz. Please.”

He hovered a moment before sighing to moving to the small ‘fresher.

“Thank you, thank you. I promise you’ll never see me again. I won’t tell anyone about the child or-“

Cartic continued to ramble on but I wasn’t listening instead I just stared at him.

It felt strange that I was here. I had fought so hard for so long, most of that fight against my own tainted thoughts. And now a main reason for that poison was here in front of me broken and raw. Unlike before this did feel satisfying.

I had pushed him passed his limit. He was crying and thanking me. I had been his victim and now in this small moment of time I was his savior. He was at my mercy.

The asshole used to make me thank him. He used to think it was funny. I wondered if he truly was so delusional that he believed he actually loved me. I would have thought such a thing was impossible but when it came to Cartic there was nothing I could rule out.

He was crying now. Relieved and thankful. Cartic was crying.

I liked the sight of it.

I was pulled from the thought by the gentle weight of Paz’s left hand on my shoulder as he handed me the injection of bacta. It was some of the best money could buy. It would heal Cartic in a matter of minutes.

I doubt there’d even be a scar.

He had to have known this as I grabbed the syringe. His light, tired eyes follow my movements as I pulled off the lid with my teeth spitting it to the ground. I flicked the small bubble in the vial out before pushing the plunger just enough to make sure it was ready.

Cartic was silent for what felt like the first time in his entire existence. Paz still stood just over my shoulder watching me intently.

I turned to look up at Paz. He tilted his head in question. Before he could react, I grabbed his wrist steady as I inserted the needle and pushed down the plunger until the syringe was empty.

“Ahh.”

“No!”

I pulled out the needle and set it on the floor as I held Paz’s hand in both of mine for a moment. He squeezed back in response.

“You lied! You fucking whore!”

I ignore him a moment longer enjoying the worn leather of Paz’s glove. The warmth of his hand trickled through the fabric. Ner cyare.

Before I could get too caught up in the moment, I turned back to Cartic. I stretched up on my knees to rest my hands on the arms of the chair.

“Oh, you poor naive boy,” I mirrored the words he had said to me at the auction back to him. “Why would I ever show you mercy when you never showed me any.”

“I’ll make sure you see that child of yours die before your eyes for this. I should have known better than to belief the word of whore.”

I leaned forward even more so my face was right in front of his, so he could see my eyes. “You know what you’re right about that.”

I could feel the anger rolling off Paz. He was furious and I doubt he’d be able to hold off his temper much longer.

I didn’t blame him.

With my face just inches from his I watched as I rammed the knife up into his chest again. Once again, he gasped and as I pulled it out quickly, I knew I had hit my target as he struggled to catch his breath. He’d drown on his own blood in minutes. To make sure to finish the job I aimed again puncturing his other lung but making sure to avoid his heart.

I snapped again in front of his face. “Look at me. Hey! Listen to me!”

His eyes flashed with a moment of clarity as thick gore started to spill passed his lips with a few weak coughs.

“Good that’s right.” I grabbed his chin making sure he’d see me as he died. “You’re right Cartic, that’s exactly what I am. I’m not a Mandalorian or bounty hunter or a warrior. I’m a whore. You were not killed by a legendary warrior. No, you were killed by the man you raped. Just a whore getting even. No one will even care you died. I’m doing the galaxy a favor.”

His eyes were going foggy as I knew death was quickly closing in on him. In a last-ditch effort for his body to rid itself of the blood logging down his lungs he coughed violently, and his blood splattered on my face.

I didn’t bother to clean it off, I knew I was already covered in his blood anyway after the last two quick stabs sent it flying over me and the slippery knife slashed my own palms.

My lips were right near his ear now. “You should be glad I don’t have the stomach to do to you what you did to me. I promise you it’s much worse than this.” His breaths were coming slow and uneven. It wouldn’t be long now. I leaned back and his eyes were clear as a few tears dropped down his cheeks. “I have so much more than you’ll ever have. And you will still be here. A rapist killed by a whore. Seems a fitting end for you Cartic.”

A small whimpering noise spilled from his lips as I stood and looked towards Paz. He was still here. After everything, he was still here by my side. I owed him so much for all he’s done for me. I knew it was a debt I’d never pay off, but I simply wanted to try every day to make it up to him. To be there for him as he has for me. If he’d let me.

There was an air of finality that I didn’t quite know how to deal with. It seems as if nothing was holding me back for the first time in my life I could just be.

It was hard to process so instead I made my hands busy cleaning the blood from the knife with my cloak.

“Here-“ I was about to hand it back to him when I finally realized why it was familiar. I pulled it back so I could look at it more careful. On the hilt of the crude knife were two Mando’a characters, ‘P.V.’ “You carry this on you? After all these years?”

“Brings me luck.” Was his simple answer. I had forged that knife from decades ago, a goodbye gift, something to remember me by at war. I never expected him make it a permanent piece of his armor.

“Well,” There was a lot left to say as I held out the knife to him. Nothing was written in stone but there’d at least be time for an explanation, an apology, maybe even a future. “Then I better return to you.”

Paz took the offered knifed and tucked it into his boot silently.

No, nothing was certain but for now I could breathe knowing one more threat was eliminated. Forever.  
  
---


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su Cuy' vode
> 
> Hope you like this chapter! There will be two more and then an epilogue that will mostly not be as long as the normal chapters. I do plan on posting the epilogue on the same day as the last chapter.
> 
> As always thank you so much for reading!!  
> Cork

As I sat down heavily on the bench folded out from the hull of the Crest I wondered if I was living some kind of loop. Once again, I sat bloody in this very spot and watched as Paz ascended the ladder to prepare for takeoff.

I should have done it, but my body was sore, my hands stung violently and as I looked down at them, I noticed fresh blood covered them as well as the drying trails. I had lost my composure killing with a passion and I paid the price for my mistake. Sliced palms.

The engines roared to life around me as I leaned my head against the cool metal of the ship.

This planet would soon be behind me.

Cartic was behind me.

I smiled. Laughed even.

The sinking in my stomach at the shift of gravity was freedom. I could have sworn I could float for just a moment there. There was still so much lurking around the next corner but for a few minutes I did something I rarely did. I basked in my victory.

It probably wasn’t the right choice, but I did what I needed to. I took out a threat and kept my family safe at the same time. I hadn’t even needed Paz’s back up. Well maybe I did, I thought again with a shiver about how I was ready to agree to his deal. What I was willing to do. What I was about to do when Paz’s arrival offered me the distraction I needed to fight.

I looked towards the ladder leading to the cockpit. The high from victory was quickly fading as I felt the ship smoothly lurch into hyperspace.

Paz hadn’t said much since he arrived. I didn’t blame him for being upset, in fact I doubted whatever was blooming between us would continue the way it had. I done something unforgivable leaving him like that.

There would be a confrontation. I could feel it in the air. No longer did the past haunt the Crest but the future.

With a deep breath I let myself enjoy the memory of that last morning with him. Of him waking, voice rasp and groggy with sleep. Of his patience with me. Of the way he held me to his chest as we drifted back to sleep in our afterglow.

I’d hold on to the moment, a moment I was happy, for the rest of my life. There had been more than a few in those surreal months. I could survive in them. It’d be horrible and painful, but I’ve endured worse recently.

I knew that was a lie.

This would be pure agony.

The loneliness would kill me now, I’d buckled under the weight of what had been in my grasp. Suffocating under the strain of ‘almost’ and ‘maybes’. ‘What ifs’ and ‘should Is’. But I did what I believed was right.

I could survive knowing he was safe.

As if I summoned him from my own thoughts, Paz slid more than climbed down the ladder. He shifted his weight to his left. He had remained full armed except for his helmet.

He looked up at me, but neither of us spoke. Instead, we just stared into each other’s gaze from across the hull. An understanding took place between us. Just a few more minutes, just a few more breaths before the spell would be broken. Before we’d have to face the truth.

It didn’t last nearly as long as I wish it would have.

Paz broke away first. His eyes moved suddenly to work on removing his gauntlets. It took him a moment to maneuver his way of the broken one. I almost jumped up to help before remembering I was covered in blood. Paz examined the tear in his shirts and the skin under.

“H-how” It sounded like I had glass in my throat. “How’s your arm?”

“Healed.”

“Good.”

He undid the hose and set the jet pack down before walking closer to me.

“Paz...can we-“

“You’re bleeding.” He cut me off pulling my hand under the light.

“It’s nothing. Just a blade slip.”

Paz gently rotated my wrist to get a better look. “Looks deep.”

“I’m fine but we need to-“

“I can fix it.” I sighed as he moved behind me and grabbed some medical supplies from the cabinet.

I wanted this over with. I couldn’t care less about my slit hand. I needed to know what happened next.

“Paz-“

“You need bacta or at least stitches. Easy place to get an -“

“- I really think this can wait-“

“- infection. gonna hurt while it heals too. Opening and reopen-“

“- I didn’t want to bring you into this but-“

“- ing. Bactas probably better than-“

“Paz! Stop just listen please!”

“No, Din, no!” The amber flecks in his eyes shone as they burrowed into me. “I can’t have this conversation right now! Everything’s all mixed up and wrong and... and I’m happy for you that it’s over but I can’t figure out that mess yet. I can’t.” Thick tears were threatening to fall from his eyes. “So please Din. I can do this. Let me do this. And then we’ll talk.”

The dam nearly broke in my own eyes as I stared deep into his. There were so many things I wanted to do but instead, I nodded.

“Good,” Paz brought in a shaky breath before wetting a clothe in water. “So, bacta or stitches?”

I had to swallow down the sorrow before it released me from its grasp on my throat. “St-stitches.”

He nodded as he stood to finish collecting the needed supplies. A stuttering breath passed my lips. I tried desperately to hide the tears, the pain that radiated through my core. I had put all of this on him. I said over and over that I was trying to keep him out of my problems but instead I added to them by trying to keep him at arm’s length.

I denied him the chance of mutual understanding. I denied him the choice to choose what he wanted, what helping me should intel for him.

And now I forced him to decide if he could accept the way I treated him, if he could forget the disgusting way I misled him. Since he first appeared in that whorehouse, I tried to keep it hidden from him, _he’d won’t be able to look at you, he won’t want you, he won’t think you worthy enough_ , but now what was truly pushing him away was me.

My own fear.

He knew what I had been and what had happened to me and he had risked everything to stop it. Paz had wanted to be with me in whatever way I wanted him to.

I guess that had been the problem. I had no clue what I wanted at the time.

I did now.

Paz pulled up a stool before taking off his gloves and rolling up his sleeves. Neither of us spoke as he gently held my hand and used the wet clothe to clean away the dried blood. His brows were furrowed, his hair was pulled back in a neat tie. The new growth completely covering the usually crisp parts on his scalp. The hair coming in a mix of his usual black and just a hint of gray.

He had some in his beard too, just a little, I liked it though. The contrast to his skin and hair was beautiful, a testament to his survival.

It hurt to think I may not get to rub my hands through his hair again.

“You got yourself pretty bad.” Paz didn’t look at me as he spoke instead setting down the towel to ready the needled thread and tweezers. “I’m gonna have to do a few. You should take these.”

He looked up at me then holding a few mild pain killers on his open palm. “Shouldn’t waste them.”

“It’s not waste when you’re in pain.”

“It’s my own fault.”

“Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help.”

I wondered vaguely if we were even talking about pain killers anymore. Regardless I took them with my uninjured hand and swallowed them dry.

Paz nodded swiping away the blood that flowed lazily out before cleaning the skin with an antiseptic that burned fiercely.

“You wanna wait for the pain meds to fully kick in?” Paz asked. He was holding my hand in his so softly, so carefully, like I might flee or lash out as a terrified animal would.

“No. Let’s get this over with.”

Again, his response was a nod. Placing a small flashlight in his mouth to see better, Paz held me steady and grabbed the needle. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t need it. This was routine first aid, I knew what to expect and how much pain would be involved. More than pain was the discomfortable pull on the skin as the thread weaves through me.

It didn’t take long though. Paz’s practice movements and familiarity with a suture kit meant in a few minutes there were 8 neat knots down the wound.

His gently touch was torture. There seemed to be so much emotion in each pass of his skin on mine, in the way he applied the antibiotic cream and the wrapping of cloth around my hand.

All tied off and stitched, Paz lingered, holding my hand in his larger grasp. Both his hands cradled it and I wished horribly I knew what he was thinking. His brows were creased, and a deep frown had made a home on his face.

In an attempt to comfort him, I used my other hand to rest on the back of his but instead it seemed to pull him from his trance. His hands fell through my hold like water.

“Paz...” He cleared his throat. Moving in the small space to clean up. “I-I didn’t mean to hurt you... but... but I had to go. I had to face him I- I-“ I trailed off. Nothing I could say would make this right. No words of comfort could soothe the old wound I opened.

As I looked up, I realized Paz had stopped his cleaning and stood across from me frozen in place. I watched his neck bob as he swallowed. “I know, Din.”

“Right...” it was all I could think of to say. Nothing was resolved. All the questions still hung between us and it was tense and awkward in a way I’d never experienced with Paz.

“How about you clean yourself up and then we’ll talk.” He offered and for a moment I almost questioned why before remembering I was still covered in blood splatter.

I found myself impatient. I wanted him to tell me. Just rip the bandage off already. I deserved it after all, the pain that would come, the heart break that was waiting for me. I don’t blame him for any of it. To be honest I probably should have just ended things like I had the last time but that wasn’t the solution either.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t lie to myself this time. I couldn’t pretend I don’t love him or that I’m not sure of my feelings or that it was just a fling. I made up my mind this time. I loved Paz, fuck I loved him so much, if he’d let me, I’d be with him.

I want to be with him.

I didn’t say anything as I stood and moved into the small fresher. Closing the door behind me. The walls in the small space felt too close and I tried to take a few deep breaths before prying my eyes from the sink to see my reflection in the old, battered mirror.

As I looked up a small gasp passed my lips. I looked horrifying. Lines of blood splatter covered my face, soaked strands of my hair stuck to my forehead. It seemed as if I was covered in gore. In my hair, on my neck, on my chest, it was everywhere.

For some reason I started to shake looking at this nightmare version of myself. The whites of my eyes were bloodshot and tired. My skin looked pale. I was a ghost of myself.

I turned from the mirror to awkwardly peel off my clothes. They were filthy, either dry and stiff or still soaked and heavy from blood. It alarmed me that I hadn’t noticed the discomfort of it until just now. Of course, I was used to violence and bloodied clothes but it’s different when they dry to you skin, when I’m not wiping it with a clothe from beskar.

I tried not to think of it as I filled the sink with cold water and set the shirt and clock, what had gotten the worse of the splatter, to soak and placed the pants in the small washing unit.

Still avoiding my reflection, I turned on the Sonics. Despite the comfort a water shower would bring I couldn’t stand to wait that long to speak to Paz. I wanted this filth off and this conversation over with.

After I finished, finally clean but twice as stressed, I looked into the sink to find the water dyed red. I sighed before draining the water and refilling it with more. I knew if I washed them now, they’d stain a hint of red forever and the thought sickened me. Guess it’d be the long way then.

I checked another glance in the mirror. It looked... better this time, still a mess but better. I hadn’t been able to see the bruise forming on my cheek or the spilt lip before, but they were certainly there.

I sighed pulling on my shorts and my sweater before attempting and failing to get my hair to sit right after the assault from Sonics. It was a helpless effort and I quickly abandoned it. With one last deep breath I opened the door.

I had no idea what I was going to say but I knew it would be the truth and Paz would have to make the decision for himself. I wouldn’t take that choice from him again.

As I looked into the hull, I noticed it empty. The medical supplies had been cleaned up and restored. It looked just as it always did as I grabbed the ladder and ascended to the second level.

The rough rungs aggravated my bare feet and as I pulled myself to the second level, I noticed a soft voice. I couldn’t make out any words or who it was, but I hesitated before opening the door.

The mechanism clicked and Paz jumped as I got a look into the room. I recognized the voice immediately.

It was mine.

It was the message I left in case I had died.

“-wardly in the face of my own feelings. But most of all... I’m sorry I never got to say this to you in person. You deserve that. A real apology. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that either.”

He wasn’t supposed to be seeing this.

“I-I,” The blue image of myself took a deep breathe. That ghost of me truly looked beyond the grave. My eyes sunk and unfocused, hair unruly and drowning in a black shirt at least two sizes too big for me. I cursed myself for not remembering to change out of Paz’s shirt before recording this. “I owe you an explanation. For now, and... and for before.”

No, no, Paz couldn’t hear it this way. I stepped forward clicking off the message. Paz looked at me and I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“It seemed like I was.”

“I hoped you wouldn’t see it,” I rephrased.

“Can I? See it I mean?” He asked timidly and I didn’t want to answer him. “Please, Din? Can I see what you wanted to tell me?”

I knew I could say no, I knew he wouldn’t pry, but I found it hard to deny him this simple request. I gave myself one long breath before clicking the message back to life. I stepped back staring blankly at the blue light that washed over the cockpit.

“That first time I left, when I went to find my buir, well I found him. And- and it shifted something in me. He was abandoned in a snowy alley dead, mutilated, and stripped of all his armor. It was so horrible Paz, there was nothing left of him, I could only identify the body from his bes’bev, he was still clinging to it. You know much he loved that thing.

“It was... disturbing. And all I could think of was, that was me. That was my future. And I couldn’t have someone find me like that. I couldn’t let you find me like that. Paz it wasn’t fair, but I thought... I thought it’d only hurt you in the end of you loved me. I believed it’d be better for both of us if I died alone. So, I broke your heart instead. It was stupid and selfish and childish, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that.”

I chanced a glance to Paz who stood right in front of the communicator, his head turned in contemplation. He was studying ever word of the message and I imagined how this would have happen if I had in fact died.

“I thought you’d move on. I thought you’d find someone else and be happy and you’d have the life I couldn’t give you. But you didn’t. And, honestly, neither did I. I missed you like crazy and seeing you each time in the covert was so painful all I wanted was for you to hold me again. All I wanted was to explain myself, but I was too much of coward for that. And even now, like the coward I am, I could only explain after I’ve died. I’m sorry for that too.”

The ghost of myself looked down in an attempt to stop the tears clearly threatening to overtake him, I felt them now as well. He took a few shaky breaths that dangerously toed the line into sobs before looking back up.

“There’s not much I regret from my life but pushing you away like that was one of my biggest mistakes. And now, I had you and I pushed you away again. But the child...I needed to know he was safe. I needed to know I did everything I could. I couldn’t spend every day looking over my shoulder for my inevitable failure. If my death meant any more safety for him it was worth it.

“I know you’ll keep him safe Paz. I know you’ll be a good buir to him.”

The blue silhouette looked at something in his hand before looking up with renewed strength. Paz stared back at him absorbing each word.

“I need to talk to him now.”

It was stated confidently as he took a deep breath and wiped tears from his face, rolling his neck as if to prepare for a fight.

“Ad’ika, I, I don’t know if you remember me, it’s okay if you don’t, I was your buir for a time. I found you alone and while I was supposed to turn you in...I couldn’t. You looked up at me with those big eyes full of curiosity and innocence and I knew then I needed to protect you.

“And that’s why I left, to protect you. A... bad person was trying to use you to hurt me, but I refused to let that happened. I want to tell you now that while I may only be a small piece of your memory, you were the best part of my life. Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum ad’ika. I love you. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me.”

I had to look away as the blue image of myself smiled through the tears that hadn’t fallen on his cheeks. I could just barely see Paz turn to glance at me before the message got his attention once again.

“You are so special kid. Don’t be afraid. Please know that I loved you will all my being. Ret’urcye mhi ner ad.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat as I watched the distorted image of myself let out a few shaking sobs before recomposing himself.

“Paz, having the two of you in my life these last months gave me more happiness than I’ve ever known. I wish we would have had longer. Thank you. I’m sure my last thought was of the two of you sleeping soundly in bed at my side. I love you and I know someday we’ll meet again. Goodbye, for now, Riduur.”

The end of the message hung thickly in the air. Neither of use moved for a long moment just watching the empty space the message had been projected in.

This wasn’t how I wanted to do this.

It felt wrong. Manipulative. I thought I was dying at the time so I left nothing on the table, but now I would have soothed him into it more. I wouldn’t have been so blunt. Maybe I would have been able to get through it without sobbing to myself pathetically.

“I didn’t mean for you-“

Paz turned to face me in one smooth motion, his body leading before his head in only a way someone used to a helmet could move. “Did you mean all that?”

I swallowed. “Yes. Of course, I did.”

It was hard to say but it was the truth. I guessed the truth always was hard to get out.

He took another step toward me but said nothing else.

“I wanted to say it in person. I didn’t want you to hear it like that” I tried to explain but it fell flat.

His hands reached out to me, I hated that I flinched. They fell back to his sides. “Can I hold you, verd’ika?”

I did not deserve the endearment. I nodded, nonetheless. After all I might be the last chance I get.

Paz surrounded me almost instantly, wrapping his warm arms around me and pulling me onto his cold chest plate. I was stretched to wrap my arms around his thick neck, I let my hand wrap in his hair. He was hunched forward, my back bent awkwardly to keep us as close together as possible.

“I wish you would have told me all that.”

I hated how he said it, I hated how small his voice was. I wish I had as well that made it even worse.

“Me too. Me too, Paz. I’m such a coward. I was so scared, I’m so sorry, Paz.” I said the words into the soft fabric covering his neck. I couldn’t stand to look at him as I said it.

Paz peeled me off him, setting my feet flat on the ground once again. He held my shoulders in his hands and leaned down, his forehead nearly touched mine as we made eye contact. It made me feel small in a way only Paz could. With anyone else it would have made me feel weak, but not with Paz. All I found in his grasp and under his gentle scrutiny was safety.

“You listen to me, Djarin, you are not a coward. I never should have called you that. I didn’t mean it. I was confused and angry but still I know you better than that. I never thought you were a coward,” He took a deep breathe. “I said those things on Nevarro because I wanted to hurt you. I wish I would have known how much you were hurting yourself. I’m sorry for that.”

The confession from him should have made me angry but it didn’t. Instead, I surprised both of us by huffing out a humorless laugh, it brought with it more tears. Someone deep in me found it almost comically that the two of us could do such damage to the other simply by not communicating clearly. “It seems neither of us are very good with emotions, huh?”

Paz smiled a little stroking his hands up and down my upper arms. “Well, I want to be better. I want to try, together.”

I wasn’t sure if I could comprehend what was being offered to me. Paz couldn’t seriously be suggesting what I thought he was. I had done him so much harm. “You-you still want to be with me?”

Paz hands moved to cup my jaw, thumbs working to wipe tears from my cheeks. “Of course. I-I just need you to be a little more honest with me. I know it’s not easy, but I worry for you and I can help you better if you don’t hide it from me. And I, I need to stop bottling everything up, I think we both do. We have a lot to work on but it’s worth it for you. Is that what you want?”

At that moment it was so clear Paz was still that kid that told me jokes over lunch and who stole extra uj’alayi to give me and who’d welcome me into his bed in the barracks when I had nightmares. But he was also the man who led me to the battlefield, who cried for his lost vode, who faced an enemy with a strength and strategy I could never quite wrap my head around.

And now he was all of those things and more. Paz had pulled me from the rubble of war and the rubble of mind alike.

“I want to be with you Paz, any and every way I can.”

He smiled that beautiful smile, white teeth and dark lips and a happiness in his eyes I’ve known since childhood. Again, he envelopes me in his arms, large hands spread to cling to my back lifting me nearly off the ground.

“I love you, Din, we have so much ahead of us now.” He rambled in that manner and the sweet words and hopes cleansed me.

I felt giddy and light. I would get to keep my family. My family would be safe, and I would work to keep them happy. I’d be happy with that.

Paz moved his hands to my thighs as he hoisted me up. My legs encircled his waist as if it was second nature. In the cockpit, now lit with the streaming lights of hyperspeed, I felt secure. Paz held me to him as if I was light as air and for all I knew I might have been in that moment. Neither of us seemed to be able to get close enough to the other and I scrambled to pull myself even closer against him cursing the thick beskar chest plate between us.

He seemed to notice my frustration and chuckled as he shifted his hold on me to work on the clasp of the armor. I tried not to focus too hard on the fact he was practically balancing my whole weight on one arm as I helped him. We both simply let it fall to the ground with and echoing thud.

I laughed carelessly as he leaned forward, still holding me to quickly remove his thigh armor before settling into the pilot’s chair. It was better like this, no armor between us, just two people who found unprecedented comfort in the other. We weren’t bracketed by a set of rigid rules, we just were. We both existed in our little bubble of time in what had become our home exploring each other’s body’s as if we hadn’t already had them committed to memory.

Paz’s hands trace my chest to work his way under the sweater he bought me to gently massage at the tense muscle on my back. He was looking up at me, deep brown eyes endless in some mix of admiration and worry.

I raised an eyebrow at him, knowing he wanted to ask me something.

I was surprised when what passed his lips wasn’t a question, “You listened to the com.”

“I should have responded,” I could feel the frown grow on my face. “I’m sorry.”

He looked up at me with sad eyes, “You were wearing my shirt in the message.”

“Yeah, I should’ve changed.”

“Why didn’t you?”

I thought about his question for a moment. I had told myself I had been too drunk to change but that wasn’t the truth, I had sobered up well before then. I’d worn it for the same reason I had slipped it on in the first place. “It gave me enough strength to get through that message. Having a piece of you on me, I mean. I- I could imagine I wasn’t as alone as I felt. Does that make any sense?”

“Yeah, it makes perfect sense,” A barely noticeable smile formed on Paz’s lips. “You could say it’s the same reason I kept that knife on me all those years. I hadn’t known what had caused you to leave but having that little blade made me feel safe. I used to look at it from time to time just to remind myself that there was a version of you that loved me.”

I let my eyes drift close as I swallowed. My old self told me to ignore how it felt, to push it to the side, but I needed to stop that now. I needed to come face to face with what I’d done. I opened my eyes to see him looking into my gaze, he looked open and raw. “Every version of me loved you. Some were just not brave enough to face what that meant.”

Paz pained expression faded into a fond grin and gently he pulled my forehead to rest on his. “I know that now, Din’ika. Vor’e.”

Instead of arguing, as was my instinct, I simply let myself quietly accept his thanks. I let myself lean into his embrace, I recognized just how sacred it was to be here. That I had someone who was patient and loving and willing to grow with me. I had a lot of work to do, and I knew it’d be painful, but I wanted to be better. I would do better.

I was relaxed but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fully calm the anxious voice in my mind until we arrived on Oosalon. Until I knew my son was safe.

***

The large bag full of my armor weight heavy on my shoulder as the ramp of the razor crest lowered with a hydraulic hiss. Almost immediately I was assaulted by the frigid wind of Oosalon, even this sheltered landing platform was little help against the harsh elements, but I tried my hardest not to shy away from it.

More than anything, I wanted to sink into the warmth or my sweater and possibly Paz but instead I held my head high knowing the reputation I had to uphold. This morning Paz had told me about what he let slip in the Forge. He had apologized over and over, and while it did fill me with a hint of fear, I couldn’t be upset with him.

Regardless, the covert now knew what had happened and I needed to show that what had been done to me made me no less weak. The prospect was terrifying. Being weak was equivalent to being a coward. I reminded myself I was neither of those things, but I wasn’t fully convinced.

Paz was always quick to reassure with sweet words and soft touches but at the end of the day the hard work was left for me. I had to work every day to remind myself that what was done to me did not define me. That was more than true today as well.

It seemed Paz was at least familiar with where we had landed as he strode ahead looking over his shoulder to insure I was following. There was a small arch in the stone of the mountain and when I was lead inside, I knew instantly it was connected to the mines the tribe had made their home.

With a steady hand on my shoulder, Paz stepped further in.

“Vod, su cuy’gar.” It was Tylo and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Su cuy’”

I looked around hoping to see my child but found him absent. “Is he okay?”

“Yes vod,” I was glad I did not have to explain myself. “He was fussy. Ryla’s been walking with him. Come. He missed you.”

The words had me giddy with equal doses of excitement and nervousness. He may have missed me, but would he forgive me? Did I deserve it? Not fully but he deserved to know I love him, maybe that would be enough.

“Has your... business... been taken care of?” Tylo asked the question delicately.

“Yes.” I answered shortly. “Our business has finally been concluded.”

Paz’s hand came to rest on my back as Tylo nodded. “I am happy to hear that.”

He sounded sincere but guilt still lingered in the back of my mind. Just because Tylo understood did not mean he didn’t hold a grudge. I wanted to say something to him but found nothing came to mind.

My thoughts were fully accompanied by my child. My heart hammered as we moved further into the complicated mix of corridors. Every turn of a corner, I scanned all I could see in the low light hoping to see that small, wrinkled face and big ears from down the hall.

In only a few more moments my wish finally came true.

‘Baao,” The not quite a word came from my left and I turned to see him wobbling towards us arms already held up.

I squeezed past Tylo who was in the way as I stepped closer towards him. Finally, close enough I fell on my knees, scooping him up into my arms.

“Ad’ika,” it was all I could seem to say for a moment, happy just to hold his small body to my chest. His tiny, clawed hands grasp at my chest, my neck and ending in my face. “I’m so sorry ad’ika. I had to go, I’m so sorry.”

“Buu! Buu!”

“I’m here, ad’ika, your buir’s not going anywhere.” I only then felt the hot tears that were streaming down my face. He was safe. I had him in my arms, and we were both safe. He knew I didn’t abandon him.

The child was so excited to see me, feeling every surface of my face smiling and calling to me, he didn’t even know to be mad. It was a trust and forgiveness I would always have to earn. A love that I wasn’t sure I deserved but that I wanted to live up to.

I held him out just a second, needing to see with my own eyes that he was unharmed. I trusted Tylo but I just needed to confirm it. “Paa!”

Paz kneeled down beside me, stroking a gloved hand over the kid’s forehead and ears. The baby seemed torn between being held by me or him. Eventually Paz settled his hand on his back as he leaned into my chest. Paz leaned down close to his face, “I promised I’d bring your buir back safe, ad’ika.”

The baby chirped happily, and my heart swelled. We were safe. All of us were safe. It was behind us. There was only one thing left to do.

Slowly I stood and turned to Tylo. “Vor entye. I’ll never be able to repay this debt.”

“Naas. I’m glad you’re all safe.”

I nodded. Overwhelmed by my gratitude. “Can you bring me to the Forge?”

“Of course, this way.”

Tylo stepped further into the mines with Ryla at his side. I had been so preoccupied I hadn’t even noticed her joining us. Paz grabbed the bag of armor I had dropped; it was awkward with his jetpack and blaster on, but he managed it easily. I would have protested but I couldn’t seem to take either if my hands off the toddler that was clinging to me.

In only a few short minutes we were in the areas of the covert I recognized. Most people showed us no mind but a few nodded in greeting to the Vizslas. When the light of the Forge flooded into the common room we entered, Tylo and Ryla told us to come by to grab the baby’s things when we were ready.

I thanked them again, which they promptly waved off as they left. And then it was just the three of us standing outside the Forge, the Mythosuar skull watched over our heads.

“Are you ready for this?” Paz asked. His hand still hovered on my waist neither of us able to stray to far from each other or the child.

“It’s the right thing to do.”

“That didn’t answer my question, verd’ika.”

I sighed. “I mean, it seems less daunting now.” I looked down at the child for him to stare back at me with those big eyes. They were open and trusting, he smiled that little open mouth smile of his and I knew if it was for him, I’d do anything. “I haven’t lost everything.”

Paz pulled me a little closer, the cold beskar seeped through my thick layers. “No, you haven’t. And I’ll stay with you regardless.”

I nodded and steeled myself before stepping inside. Paz followed me into the small room, the Alor stood over the forge watching us enter intently.

“Djarin, alor’ad, I’m glad to see you are alive.”

“Vod entye Alor.” I answered as I kneeled in front of the forge, a position I’d taken many times before. Even though the covert was in a new place and our numbers had thinned once again, the forge still felt the same. The beating, burning heart of the tribe.

I could barely focus on anything but the warmth filling the room. I was vaguely aware of Paz sitting next to me, carefully setting my armor within reach.

The child stirred in my arms and I set him between the two of us, the Alor was no stranger to children in her space. She would have failed as a leader if she had. However, the child did not stray far instead amusing himself by placing curious hands to Paz’s thigh enjoying the clinking noise of his claws on beskar.

She moved swiftly to sit cross legged at the table in front us, placing her hands on her knees. It was clear she was waiting for my next move yet for a moment I had no idea what to do or say.

In my uncertainty I looked to Paz who had lifted the child into his lap, letting the small hands play with the leather of his gloves. He looked over to me as well. Strangely I felt nearly peaceful, despite my future being unknown, I was more excited than I was scared.

My life would be vastly different after this conversation, my armor would be melted down, my title would be officially stripped but I’d never stop being a Mandalorian. Not entirely. I may have shown my face, but I still follow the resol’nare. I will educate my child, I will pass on my language, I will defend myself and family, I will respond to the mand’alor’s call. All that leaves is-

I look to the bag set next to me. I’d gone through so much just to get it back. I’d fought tooth and nail to be able to return it to the tribe because it’s the right thing to do.

I moved the heavy bag closer, the weight of it is almost comforting. “I have come to return my beskar’gam.”

The Alor tilted her head in question but did not speak.

I continued, pulling the chest piece and helmet from the bag. I set them gently on the table unable to help the way my hands lingered on the familiar metal.

“Since I don’t have any clan in the tribe, I ask that the beskar be used for the foundlings or anyone else in need.”

Carefully the armorer ran her hand over the nearly new chest plate. It was a motion I wasn’t sure I’d seen from her.

“And-and I know you don’t have anyone trained so I’m willing to mentor a new beroya until they are ready. I won’t require any payment for this except fuel and food everything else can go to the tribe. I can also get them established in the bounty hunter’s guild.”

She sat silent and still as she looked up to me. Before she had the chance to answer, Paz spoke up instead.

“I would like to volunteer to be the beroya, I have hunted with Djarin before and I wish to serve the tribe.” He ended his sentence with a bow of his head. I’d known this was his plan for some time, but I didn’t expect him to ask right away as he had.

Once again, my eyes moved to look at him as if I could perceive his thoughts from his imposing helmet. His head stayed bowed respectfully regardless of the child chewing on his fingers and giggling happily up at him. I knew the situation was serious, yet I couldn’t help feeling calm. Everything had fell into place in a way, I was not worried for what this decision would mean for him. I knew now it was his choice to make. I knew he wanted to do this.

My attention was pulled back to the Alor as she demanded our focus again even though she had not moved or spoken. “Thank you for your offer, Alor’ad, but we already have a beroya.”

My heart sunk slightly wondering who had been forced into this job because of my failure. I had no time to contemplate further or ask any questions as she lifted my helmet off the table. The pure beskar reflected the flames as her thickly gloved hands held the helm as she studied it.

I swallowed. Wondering if this were how it would happen if she would simply take in and drop it in the forge. It was what I knew would happen, but this seemed far too sudden. Instead, to my surprise, she held it out to me.

“I would like Beroya Djarin to retake his place in the tribe.”

The bellowing flames were the only noise as her words slowed worked their way into my mind. What did she mean? She couldn’t possibly…?

I saw Paz turn to me in my peripheral vision and I turned to meet his gaze. His head cocked to the side in question. At least he was just as confused as I was.

“I-I don’t understand.” My voice sounded forced.

“After Vizsla confronted the tribe and ultimately left for you, a debate broke out and the tribe decided a vote would be in order.”

“A vote on what?” Paz asked.

“Whether or not Djarin should be allowed back into the tribe.” Her gaze turned to me, “It was decided you could be allowed back in. After reswearing the Creed, you can retake your position, but we do ask that you take a mentor to ensure our safety in the future.” 

Suddenly all the calm I had felt earlier, all the excitement of a new life, had turned on its head leaving more uncertainty in its wake. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I had made peace with this loss, now with a choice in front of me I found myself almost angry.

Once again, she held the helmet out to me, I still didn’t take it.

“With Vizsla as a witness, you can swear the Creed now.” Her voice was joyful, and I realized she didn’t even consider the possibility that I may not want to swear the Creed again.

“I need to consider this.” I answered curtly, feeling suddenly like I may suffocate. Sensing my unease Paz’s hand closed on my shoulder.

“We need a moment.” Paz answered as well.

“Yes. Of course,” Her voice was normal, but her movements were stiff. Again, I could tell she was confused. “Take your time.”

Needing no further dismissal, I stood and left the room not bothering to repack the armor or even take it with me. My heart was hammering, and I could feel the tension in my jaw as the frustration gradually built in me.

Of course, following my lead, Paz caught up to me, walking by me silently as I made my way to the compartment that had been assigned to Paz. He made quick work of the panel and I stepped inside instantly craving the privacy from prying eyes. The metal door slide shut, and I let out a deep breath.

Paz didn’t hesitate in setting the child down before pulling off his helmet and holding my arms steady to look into my eyes. “Din’ika, what are you going to do?”

Those beautiful deep brown eyes looked at me with such trust and admiration, all the former anger fell away only to leave deep confusion. Confusion and betrayal. Why? Why had I suffered and been mistreated only for them to offer back what they’d taken from me?”

But they were my people. The tribe had been my home for so long. They saved me. I’d have died as a child if they hadn’t rescued me. I owed them, didn’t I?

“I-I don’t know.”

Paz pushed some hair from my brow. “Whatever you choose, Din, I’m with you.”

I nodded. It seemed like all I could do faced with a choice I’d never even considered. I could go back to being the beroya, I could work for the tribe and I could have a family. It was more than I could have ever wanted, but it seemed…tainted now. Or I could face down a new future, I could find a new way, I could carve out a small section of the galaxy for myself and family.

I stared over to the child sitting happily on the ground playing with the gear shift from the _Crest_.

Everything that had happened since my helmet had been removed surged through my mind. All the loss and love and uncertainty. All the fear and happiness. The family I had found and the enemies I had made.

There was too much to consider.

I simply didn’t know what to do.  
  
---


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Su'cuy vode!
> 
> Well. Here we are. The last update. So this is the last chapter and then an epilogue as well as a quick authors note. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. You do not know how much this has meant to me.
> 
> Ret'urcye mhi  
> Cork

The anxiety still swelled through me and I needed to release just a portion of it if I wanted to think about this clearly. I needed to move. I needed to walk or run or fight or something.

Instead, I paced in the limited open space in the small living compartment.

Biting my nails, I tried to make some sense of my swirling thoughts. This was a lot. More than I expected.

How could I come back now and watch as everyone questioned my place here?

How could I refuse without seeming ungrateful?

Neither were a choice I necessarily wanted to make. It was easier when the decision had been made for me. No. That wasn’t true. Having my helmet stripped from me had been a horrible violation but it alleviated some of the blame. I had failed them, but I hadn’t betrayed them.

Abandoning them now would make it a betrayal. Not to mention taking Paz with me. Sure, they had plenty of great warriors but Paz on the battlefield was something else entirely. They’d be stretched even more thinly with no provider.

But... did I want to stay?

Hadn’t they betrayed me as well? Hadn’t they abandoned me when I had nothing and no one?

A ringing of metal momentarily pulled me from my avalanching thoughts. The sweet sound was followed by two much sweeter. The child laughed at the noise he’d created from hitting his ball against the pauldron he was helping ‘clean.’ Paz chuckled as well from the child’s simple delight.

Paz’s deep voice was soft as he switched seamlessly between basic and Mando’a, praising the child and engaging in the one-sided conversation. My son looked right up at him with mirrored adoration, a crooked smile on his small face.

I stopped in my tracks just to watch them for a moment.

My thoughts were silenced as Paz carefully cleaned his armor sitting on the floor cross-legged, yet his attention never fully left the child. He kept him engaged in helping with the task or commented as he played with and showed off his toy until suddenly the toddler let out a big yawn and flopped down to sit.

Paz’s outburst had been the only reason they had even considered letting me back in. Paz stood by my side this whole time, he had sung lullabies to my ad and comforted my nightmares. Paz had never seen me as anything other than a Mando’ad.

“Well, I think some one’s ready for a nap, huh ad’ika?” Paz asked and the child looked up at him with sleepily pleading eyes. In the midst of the scene, I had sat at the table to watch the display. “Nothing to worry about, little one, we can play more after you get some much needed rest.”

I still watched, an intruder to the moment as Paz stood with a groan and scooped the baby into his unarmored hold. The small bundle snuggled into his chest before peeking out to look at me.

Smiling at them, the tension long forgotten, I let myself enjoy this beautiful mundane part of my life.

“Buu?” His small voice questioned. It was such a wonderfully heartbreaking sound, pure love and trust.

“Oh ad, Di’buir isn’t feeling too well how about I put you to sleep.”

_Di’buir._ There was only one reason to specify. Because he had two buire. Di’buir. I liked it.

“No, no I got him.”

I couldn’t stop the fond smile on my face as I took the child in my hold and he snuggled into the sweater. I was focused on his even breathes and the warmth of his small form as I went into the bedroom.

“Verd’ika?” I turned to the sound of Paz’s voice. “You’re sleep clothes are still in there. Maybe you’d be more relaxed that way.”

I nodded at the small suggestion. I respected that Paz was giving my space when it came to this decision, but it wasn’t only mine to make. The look he gave the child as they had played, his patience with both of us made my heart soar when just moments ago it had felt like a rock.

This was a decision the both of us needed to make.

Mhi aliit.

***

After settling the child in the nest of pillows I made in the center of the bed it was clear he was fighting sleep, but those eyes kept reaching out to me. I knew the look, the anxiety, the uncertainty. He was worried I wouldn’t be here when he woke up again.

It crushed me but I was the only one to blame for that. I sighed but smiled at the little green bundle. “How about a quick story ad’ika and I’ll be right here when you wake up. I promise.”

Of course, I was met only with a small tilt of his head, I adjusted an ear that had gotten caught in the blanket. I could never quite be certain if he understood anything I said to him, but I knew he liked listening. And I knew vaguely it was good for children to witness a guardian communicating.

When I’d first started doing it, it had just been instinct. I rarely held conversation however it seemed natural with the child. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Now I was watching as sleep heavy eyes relaxed listening to the old myth my buir often told me.

Less than halfway through and he was perfectly asleep and a part of me wanted to join him.

I lingered, as I always did when putting him to sleep, and pulled my discarded sweater to cover his form. He always managed to get cold even in that big cloak of his.

Certain he was deep asleep I slipped out the door quietly, in all honesty I felt almost guilty. What if he woke and didn’t see me? Would he be scared? Maybe I should just stay while he napped. I was readying to sneak back into the room before Paz’s voice stopped me.

“He’ll be fine, Din.” I huffed out a small laugh at being caught. He stood in front of the small stovetop, “Tea?”

I nodded, settling into a chair. “I’m worried about him.”

“You always are.”

I sighed. “I shouldn’t have left the way I did. It scared him.”

Paz set the tea in front of me and sat. “Well, you’ll make it up to him.”

I glared down at the dark, steaming tea. The warmth reminded me that Oosalon wasn’t as barren and frigid as it felt. Maybe this covert could be home. These small rooms had felt like a home just minutes earlier, full of laughter and encouraging words.

But I couldn’t shake the pit deep in my stomach that warned of danger here. I thought of the things the people had said to me last time I was here, that I was a coward, that I wasn’t worthy, that I was a threat to their children. Could I forget that? If what the armorer said was true, the tribe clearly regretted it but forgiving and living in those memories were two wildly different things.

Just as my mind was reeling, Paz’s hand lifting my face to look at him took me back to reality. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Din’ika.”

“I- I don’t know what I should do.”

His eyes softened looking at me, “I’m with you either way.”

“What would you do?” It was something I had wanted to ask this whole time.

“It’s not my choice to make.”

“It’s not mine either. Not fully. This affects both of our futures. We need to make this decision together.” I promised myself I’d stop making choices for him and that started now.

A weighted smile pulled on his lips. “You’re right.”

“So, what do you think? What should we do?”

Paz took a deep breath and a long sip of his tea. “You know, when I first found you in that place, I didn’t even recognize you. You were so thin, so pale. Nothing like the boy I remembered swearing the Creed. And when I realized… I wanted to get you out of there as quick as possible. I wanted you home and safe and I made a lot of dumb decisions. I should have known better than to ask for the Riduurok. I’m sorry by the way, I don’t think I’ve said that yet.”

He paused and I hated thinking about that time, about the pain and the mistrust and the sinking nothingness the occupied me, but I wanted, _needed_ , to hear what he had to say.

The solemn look on his face suddenly transformed into one of his beaming smiles, “And then I saw you with your son and there you were again. You smiled and laughed and were so kriffing gentle it was hard to watch. I wanted you safe, but that was when I realized I was fucked once again, that I was still so fucking in love with you.

“When the armorer called, I thought it was our way back. They would understand, they would see you only meant to protect your child, and you had. When you confessed, when she told you to return your armor, it all shattered. You know I’ve always held the Creed highly but, in that moment, all I found in it was cruelty. And I realized it wasn’t what I believed, not exactly.”

I reached out to him grabbing his hand in mine. I remembered his anger that day, but I didn’t know it went that deep.

“What I mean to say is, being part of the tribe doesn’t change what we believe, who we are, so if we leave, I’ll be happy. And if we stay, I’ll be happy. I just want you and the ad in my life.”

My throat tightened. That was all I wanted. All I’ve ever wanted, just my little Clan safe and happy. “Could you forgive them if we stayed?”

Paz sighed, running his thumb over my hand, “I don’t know, eventually, partially.”

I chuckled. “Munit tome’tayl, skotah iisa.”

He smiled back at me.

“And could you forgive me if we left?” I asked the question that’d been begging to be asked for months now.

He squeezed my hand in his hold. “They’d be nothing to forgive.”

“I-I, how can I make this decision, Paz? It seems impossible. I was still mourning the loss of the tribe, but I was looking forward to a new start, now it’s all muddled up.”

“Din, I know you try to keep everyone happy before yourself, so tell me, will you be happier with the tribe or without it?”

My heart hammered in my chest as the possibilities of the future flashed through my mind. I tried not to dwell in my thoughts as I usually did. Everything seemed to focus down on one point. A quiet life, a small home, a table with friends and family, drinks and laughter shared. A new creed. A new normal. A fresh start.

“Without it.”

My own voice surprised me.

I let the idea of a separate life wash over me. A safer life. A better childhood for my son. One where he’d be able to play in the sunlight. One where he’d just be a child.

Paz was right though. I used to think without my helmet I no longer had any claim to being a Mandalorian but that wasn’t true. I still followed the Resol’nare, they were still my people just maybe not my tribe.

“And that’s what you want, cyar’ika? You want to leave the Tribe?” Paz asked stroking my hand softly.

I nodded meeting his eyes. “Yes. I want to leave the Tribe. I’ll return my armor.”

“Yeah?” Paz asked once again, a joyous smile on his face.

I let out a small laugh, I couldn’t tell if it was from excitement or nervousness and nodded.

“Good, I’m glad I didn’t clean my armor for nothing then.”

I looked over to the pile of armor and realized he had in fact deep clean the Beskar, even his under suit was clean and mended, the circuity free of dust. How long had I been pacing? How had I not noticed?

“How did you know?”

He laughed the honey deep sound of it warming me, “I know you too well to miss how uncomfortable you are here Cyare.”

Tears seemed to sting in the back of my eyes, this was the right choice I was sure of it as I looked at those deep brown eyes peeking over the lip of the mug. I was surprised when he set it back on the table with a serious expression.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Paz sounded controlled but I could hear the nervousness seeping through. I cocked an eyebrow in question. “Well, before I left to find you, the child was so upset and I just wanted him to know how much he meant to me and also have some standing if I couldn’t bring you back safe and well… I performed the Gai Bal Manda. I shouldn’t have done it until asking you but, Din, I love him so much. I’ve seen him as my own fo-“

“Marry me.”

I couldn’t tell who was more surprised him or me. He had been honestly worried he’d overstepped by caring for my son when I hadn’t been able to. What other trait would make him a more worthy partner? It was only a matter of time anyway.

“What?”

“I’m serious. I want to perform the Riduurok with you, for real this time. I’m glad you love my son, _our_ son, that much. Tion mhi aliit, Paz?”

I starting to worry as he just stared back at me with a blank look on his face. I almost opened my mouth to take it back.

“Elek. Elek, Din’ika. Of course, fuck.” Just like that he moved to hold me to his chest awkwardly from my seated place. His face tucked into the junction of my shoulder. “I can’t believe you beat me to it, Djarin.”

I laughed, combing my fingers through his hair, breathing in the charcoal, gun oil and tea tree smell of him. Paz pulled back for a moment and I instantly missed the strength and safety he always brought me. Clumsily, he pulled something from his pocket. A large hand opened to show a small pendent on a cord of leather.

“I’ve carried this on me for years. I meant to give it to you when I finally asked you to marry me but well, here we are.”

He dropped it in my palm. It was carved from some pearlescent stone. A knife. A perfect replica of the one I’d given him decades ago.

“Paz…” Those tears that had burned started to spill.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sentimental as hell.” He brushed it off, but his eyes gone teary as well.

I pulled him in to a hug of my own. “Ni kar’taylir gar darasuum.”

“Ni kar’taylir gar darasuum.”

I felt the dopey smile overtake me as I slipped the necklace over my neck, a familiar yet foreign weight. I couldn’t help rubbing my hand over the soothe stone as I leaned forward to kiss him. A kiss full of joy and hope, weighted and yet light as air.

Paz laughed as we pulled apart only to settle into a kov’nyn, “I’ve waited so long to see that around your neck. It looks even better than I imagined.”

Something slotted in me, something so… right. I teased regardless, “You imagine it often?”

“Everyday.” His grin didn’t waver, he shone so brightly I thought I may need to shield my eyes.

***

A few hours had passed, and we found no difficulty amusing ourselves as the child napped peacefully in the other room. He had unfortunately awoken crying and I’d nearly ran to find him burying his face in my sweater. It had been far more heartbreaking than it had been cute.

“Buu!” He yelled at me, equal parts joy and surprise.

I cringed. I wished I hadn’t betrayed that trust he used to have in me, but Paz was right, I’d make it up it him. Finally, in my arms, the tears thankfully subsided.

With the child settled and both of our minds made up neither of us wanted to linger at the covert any longer than we needed to. I found the weight off my shoulders equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. From one moment to the next I may feel listless or pure freedom.

Paz didn’t seem confused at all though, part of me wondered if all of this was leading up to this moment for him. Strangely imagining him staying now seemed almost wrong. I didn’t need to imagine how he would be if he had chosen to stay. He’d have been sullen and bitter as I’d inevitably gotten used to over the years.

Now though, he couldn’t be more different he was happier than I’d ever seen him. He was beaming as I adjusted the birikad across my chest and he deposited the baby into it.  
  
---  
  
A small coo directed my attention to the warm bundle against my chest, those extremely innocent eyes bored into me, before moving to look at Paz who was adjusting the large bag by the door. It seemed as if the baby was asking the same question I had been asking myself.

I stared pointedly at that bag leaned against the wall. “You know you can wear your beskar’gam to the forge, right?”

“I’d rather carry it.” Paz answered as he adjusted a bag of baby supplies given to us by the Vizslas.

“I mean, people will probably stare. It’s not the most comfortable feeling.”

“I know, verd’ika,” Finally finding what he was looking for he pulled out the stuffed frog - which already looked worse for wear - and handed it to the child. Before resting his hand on my shoulder. “I’m not ashamed of my decision.”

I felt the grounding weight of his touch as I breathed in deeply. I held it for just a moment, making a mental note of this feeling. The empty compartment, the warmth of the child, the bags of belongs and the small weight of a pendant resting on my chest. I exhaled. “Then I guess it’s time to go.”

Paz moved his hand to thumb at the necklace he’d given me early and stared down at me with a wry smile before leaning in to place his forehead on mine.

We shared a breath like that before Paz stood straight, grabbed his bag and stepped out into the hall with zero hesitation. I chuckled to myself astonished at his unwavering bravery. I don’t think I’d ever meet anyway else as certain in their choices as Paz.

Atinla di’kut.

I wished my high spirits had lasted but the creeping anxiety of a new reality closed in on me fast as a mando turned the corner. They tensed hand hovering over their blaster however they didn’t have the chance to react further as Paz nodded and I stepped forward to rest my arm on his waist as we continued down the hall. I could still feel their stunned gaze on us well past their line of sight.

“Guess it’s done now.” Paz noted with a shy smile on his face, but I knew he was not as calm as he appeared.

I could feel the tense muscles on his back and his staggered breath for just a moment before he steadied himself. I opened my mouth to speak.

“I still don’t regret this, Din, but your right. This is uncomfortable.”

I closed my mouth amused that he knew my question before I even spoke it. So instead of answering I moved to hold his hand as we weaved our way closer and closer to the heart of the tribe. Neither of us spoke but a strange form of conversation took place purely in our grips on each other. An anxious grab. A reassuring stroke. An equal support.

A few people moved through the covert, each passing with a curious tilt of their helmet or a tense posture, a few openly stared through their darkened visors. People knew. Probably everyone knew. I could imagine the news spreading faster than we were able to walk to the forge. Helmet coms speculating and whispers floating out of vocoders.

My spine tingled the way it often did before an attack. Tension hung heavy in the air. I squeezed his hand tighter and Paz looked down at me. We were just outside the Forge now and the light of flames reflected in his eyes. Colors and shadows played on his face. Everything was so familiar and yet so foreign.

He glanced behind me and I knew a crowd of sorts had formed feigning coincidence at their spontaneous assembly. It didn’t matter though because Paz smiled at me wide and misty eyed as he stepped into the open Forge.

“Vizsla.” The Armorer spoke both shocked and resigned. She already sat in front of the low table. This time we had her full attention.

“Alor.” Paz answered as he kneeled. “I- We have come to return our Beskar.”

The only sound was the fire whooshing from the hot vents and the small song of shifting beskar behind us. I could not find it with in me to sit, for some reason I still expected a fight.

Her visor tilted, bearing into me. “Djarin.”

“Alor.”

No one seemed to know what to do next. After a tense moment Paz looked back at me with a quirk in his lips. He almost spoke before I decided too first.

“I greatly appreciate the Tribe’s offer to reinstate me, but I have to decline. I will always be Mando’ade, I will always follow the Creed. I merely need to learn what that means for me now.”

Her visor once more moved to Paz, “And you, alor’ad?”

He still looked at me, a true grin on his face, “I belong with my Clan Alor. Ner ven’riduur, cuun ad.”

I wanted to run to him, to hold him, I wanted to cry. Paz once again stated a revelation as a foundational truth. It was both an announcement and an explanation. He turned to her finally, and pulled the bag containing his armor forward. Plates of blue beskar were placed for inspection. A sort of déjà vu overtook me. An argument months old, a humming blade to my throat, a guilt and a realization.

As if we were no longer present, she pulled out the bag containing my own armor and began to unpack in beside Paz’s. My helmet was last. Beskar was laid in between us reverently despite the fact some now sat on the floor. Having seemingly no place for my helmet she held it in her hands.

I found my legs finally working enough to kneel beside Paz, his hand quickly came to rest on my thigh.

“Your buir had made me take as much beskar as I could from his armor to give you a pure helmet when you left for your first hunt.”

I tried to absorb the statement. He had told me he’d found beskar on his hunt. I had never questioned him. I would have argued for him to keep it if I’d known.

“When he died, his beskar’gam was only about 30 percent beskar.” She chuckled. “The man made me swear I’d never tell you.”

Paz’s grasp tightened reassuringly, “I- he- I never knew.”

The Alor looked up from my helmet to look into my eyes instead. “I can’t imagine what he would have thought seeing you in full, pure beskar. Your buir would have been proud, Din. Gar ori’jate buir.”

My hand instinctively rested on the bundled cuddled to my chest. I couldn’t speak around the lump in my throat, so I nodded instead. I missed him. I couldn’t understand why she was telling me this.

“And your buir, Vizsla, would have beamed seeing you finally marrying Djarin after decades of pinning. She always knew you’d be a great warrior, but you finally making it work,” She laughed now. A full laugh I’d never heard from her in my whole life. “That’s what she’d be most proud of.”

The both of us looked to the other hoping they had some clue what was happening. However, he didn’t seem to have any more answers than I did.

“Djarin, Vizsla. I believe I speak for the whole Tribe when I say we offer you congratulations. I would also like to say that our Way isn’t the only Way.” She looked up from the neatly laid armor to look across the room at the people who had assembled to watch whatever was happening. “The secrecy of Tribe is the safety of the Tribe. Both of you have proven your claim to this beskar. I wish for you to keep it, if only for the protection of the foundling.”

“I’m sorry?” Paz asked before any words could form in my mouth. Surely there’d be outrage from the Tribe. Surely someone would object. 

“You will not be with the Tribe, but you will be Mando’ade.”

Blood rushed in my ears, my heart hammered, and the child cooed in response to my distress. Paz was saying something, but I couldn’t hear it.

“Are we in agreeance?” The Alor asked the crowded room. No objections were raised. No insulted were thrown. No one cried Dar’manda. “This is the way.”

“This is the way.” The chorus of vocoded voices bounced off the stone and the inside of my skull.

The Armorer held the helmet out to me. The Beskar reflected blue and orange and black. Flame and heat and soot. Reliability. Shereshoy. Justice.

I took it from her. As I had as a child unaware of the sacrifice my buir had made for me. As I had over Cartic bloody corpse.

The rest of my beskar’gam sat waiting. It was so much. So much beskar, so much wealth taken from the Tribe, from my home, from my saviors. I couldn’t take all of it. So, I didn’t.

My cuirass. My back plate. My vambraces. One pauldron.

“The rest is for the Tribe.”

Paz smiled at me before doing the same taking only what was needed to protect the most venerable places. When all was done it fit in only one bag. He rubbed a hand over the birikad. “For the foundlings.”

“Foundlings are the future,” She added with a smile evident in her voice. “Your clan will always be welcome here.”

“We’ll answer your call.” I responded. Defending the Tribe when we could was only right.

Paz grabbed my hand in his, all warmth and strength and kindness. “Elek. Aliit Slaakal’ulik akaanir par gar.”

Clan Mudhorn will fight for you.  
  
---


	34. Epilogue

A public Mandalorian wedding was far from the norm. Usually, a ceremony was shared between the two people and maybe an armorer as the sweet short promises were made. No witness was required, a Mandalorian’s word was a contract in its own right. Some would celebrate with family afterwards, but a ceremony was practically unheard of.

I couldn’t quite remember whose idea it had been, technically we’d already sworn the Riduurok months ago and despite our relationship rebuilding from there, we had mostly treated each other as Riduur. We saw each other’s faces, we raised a child, we defended our clan. In my mind and his we were already married, still we wanted to do this right.

Paz insisted we do it right. I knew he regrets how it happened the first time, his misunderstanding, my paralyzing fear, he kept saying we need to make a new memory. Cin Vhetin. Clean slate.

This thought had led us to a planet neither of us had been to before. Another fresh start. Almost no sentient life and very few worthwhile resources had left it nearly untouched by the war. Just on the border of Wild Space, this strange sanctuary of green fields and crystal lakes sat. It was beautiful and peaceful, and the child had spent hours chasing frogs and insects in the grasses and wildflowers.

It would be perfect.

Only two weeks later our small gaggle of friends and family came to the planet from encrypted coordinates we sent out. Tylo and Mar had insisted on cooking. Greef and Cara brought nearly a full ship of assorted alcohol. Adrala agreed to play a bes’bev and Ryla brought what she called ‘actually music.’ Somehow our little celebration was becoming an actual party.

A real wedding.

I scoffed at the thought wondering strangely if any of these was actually for us. Our Riduurok was for us but the party was from them. It seemed we all need a reason to let go for once and what better reason was there than family? Than a wedding?

The _Crest_ stood side by side with the two other ships, solid barriers against whatever might lurk in the unexplored woods. The higher grass in the field had been removed for coverings on the vheh’yaime that had sprung up. Just two were built surrounding a large space for a fire, one for the Vizslas and one for us, for Clan Mudhorn.

I sat there enjoying the strange scene as I watched my ad’ika play in the dirt. My buy’ce set to the side as I enjoyed the sunlight on my face. An indulgence I used to keep from myself. My eyes fell closed and I listened to the shifting leaves in the wind, the child’s happy sounds, Greefs voice saying something in the distance, shifting beskar to my side. I smiled. Paz.

I opened my eyes when the shadow of his shape eclipsed the light dancing on my eyelids. He wasn’t in any armor, civilian clothes. Paz was wearing probably his favorite shirt, a dark blue linen that clung and fell over his broad form beautifully. A short collar embroidered with a beskyc kar’ta on each side. He had rolled the sleeves to his elbows. Dark scarred skin visible were his vambraces would usually end.

There was something exciting seeing him so unguarded, so informal, so comfortable. With out a word passed between us he sat next to me in the short grass, shoulders leaned against each other.

It was silent as we watched the toddler bend over on unstable legs to pull at the grass.

“He’ll need a bath before tonight.” Paz offered.

I hummed in agreeance. “I think it’s your turn.”

He laughed. “I’m already dressed.”

“That’s what you’re wearing?” I asked teasingly.

Paz shoved me and I laughed. “You love this shirt.”

“You love that shirt.”

“So, I should change?” His eyebrow quirked in his own teasing question.

“I didn’t say that.”

He leaned closer leaving a kiss at my cheek and hovered by my ear. “Cause I seem to remember that cute little flush on your face the first time I wore it.” Paz left an opened mouth kiss right where my jaw met my neck and the grazing of his lips rose goosebumps. “You seemed quite eager to rip it off me that night. But I guess I can change…”

I held back a moan aware of the small group across the clearing. “Fine you win.”

“Admit it,” He didn’t let up on his teasing, “You love this shirt.”

I sighed. “Yes, Paz, kriff I like the shirt.”

He chuckled and pulled back but wrapped an arm around me and pulled me nearly on his lap. “So, we agree then. You give him a bath.”

I huffed but a smile was pulling on my lips. “I do not remember agreeing to that.”

“As established, I’m dressed already.” Paz beamed looking at the child slapping his hands in wet mud. A smirk overtook him, “Ad’ika! Oya Di’buir!”

“No, Paz.”

He laughed as he stood, and I made to follow but before I could the little bundle of dirt and giggles was running towards us. A small tumble had him falling in the mud only to pull himself back up and promptly clap his muddy form all over me.

Paz roared and I couldn’t help by laugh along as the child clamored up me, even managing to wipe dirt all over my face.

“See now you need a bath too.” Paz spat out between laughs.

“I hate you. This marriage is off. Send everyone home.” I couldn’t even force myself to sound serious.

“I’ll do the next three.” Paz agreed as he kept a wide distance as he placed his lips softly to mine. “I better go help them.”

“Yeah. Yeah, great excuse.”

He chuckled. “See you tonight, Verd’ika.”

The grin he shot my way made my knees weak, threatening to collapse under me. I took a deep steadying breathe. In a few short hours it’d be official. We’d be a little clan of three. I’d have my family.

“Alright kid. Let’s get cleaned up.” He directed a truly venomous look at me. “Now none of that. Can’t have you covered in mud for the Riduurok can we.”

***

Bath time had gone by as painfully as it usually did. Splashing and crying and fighting before finally resolving that yes in fact the water could be fun. Only to get just as upset when he was forced to get out. It wasn’t exactly the most relaxing afternoon but shortly after Greef had came to take the child off my hands as I got ready myself.

And to be honestly, I had been calm. After years of on and off and months of living as a family this seemed all too natural. Or at least it had until I looked into the small mirror on the _Crest_ and a vaguely familiar nagging voice told me this would be a mistake.

It seemed to scream all those thoughts I’d been working to drain out. _You’re damaged goods. Everyone around you will get hurt. Paz will regret this. What can you even offer him anyway?_

A knock on the door frame made me jump. Paz stood there, same shirt and pants but someone had braided the dreads that often fell in his face towards the back making two beautiful clusters of hair but not truly pulling it back. A teary smile was all I could look at.

“You… you look amazing.” I wanted to say something, anything, but instead I looked at my feet blush on my face. “What’s wrong, cyare?”

I swallowed. “I don’t want to ruin the day.”

“You couldn’t possibly,” A strong hand wrapped around my arm gently and lead me to sit on the small bench seat built into the wall. “Now, tell me what’s worrying you.”

Those warm chocolate eyes shone as if being here was the best use of his time. “I know its not real but… I’m still scared you’ll regret it. Sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve this.”

I was embarrassed to say it out loud. To burden him on a day that should be filled with happiness and hope.

Paz held my hands in his, stroking them gently. “You deserve to be happy, Din. I’m gonna make you happy. You’ve come so far but I know you’re still healing so don’t be afraid to tell me when you feel this way. It’s okay verd’ika. I’m here for you.”

I held tighter to him. “I know. I know Paz.”

“Good.” He lifted my hands to kiss my knuckles. “Now what’s the plan? Should we get married?”

I laughed but I couldn’t deny a few tears warmed my cheeks. “I think that’s the plan, yes.”

“They’re ready when you are.”

My heart hammered but not in fear, in anticipation. I stood and opened the ramp to the _Crest_ , this was where I was meant to be. This is what I was meant to do.

The small group was gathered by the now lit fire, stars splashed in beautiful forms over the night sky. Cara handed me the child as we passed her. He was smiling up at me, sharp teeth and soft brown eyes.

The three of us stopped just by the fire. We looked at the varied group of friends and family. And Paz spoke.

“We wanted to thank all of you for coming. Um, this isn’t usually something Mando’ade do so…” He looked at me and shrugged, I smiled back and shrugged as well. “So, I guess we’re just going to say the vows.”

Paz quirked and eyebrow at me, a content grin on his face. I guess I was first.

I didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t wait any longer.

“Paz Vizsla, Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar’tome. Mhi me’dinui an, mhi ba’juri verde.” I felt my mouth form each word, each letter. I wanted him to know just how honestly those words were spoken. How deeply in my soul I would keep that promise.

“Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar’tome. Mhi me’dinui an, mhi ba’juri verde, Din Djarin.” Paz speed through the words as if he couldn’t say them quickly enough.

The vows had barely been spoken before Paz pulled me towards him to rest his forehead on mine. People cheered. The fire crackled. Insects called to each other in the grass, but I could only hear one sound. Paz’s exploding laugh. I could only see the face-breaking smile on his face. We kissed. Feverish and high on excitement.

A moment passed in our little space and the three of us turned toward our small group of witnesses. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I couldn’t stop the tears down my cheeks. Paz was right, this new memory was worth it.

I couldn’t help contrasting that fearful version of myself to the man I was now.

I was not just an orphan, or a foundling, or a mandalorian, or a beroya, or a father, or a slave, or even a riduur.

No. I was not any of those things. I was all of them. But there was one thing I’d never been.  
  
---  
  
Dar’manda.


	35. Author's Note

Su'cuy Vode!

I just wanted to quickly say writing this has been one of the best experiences of my life. Seeing all of you enjoy my story and cheering me on has been amazing. I honestly never expected anyone to care about this and I certainly didn't expect it to be nearly 140k words.

Writing this story has been a way for me to come to terms and work through my own trauma as a sexual abuse survivor. It has given me the strength to come to terms and overcome that part of me had been so afraid of showing for so long. I need to thank my spouse, Bret for his continued kindness through all of this, from simply letting me bounce ideas off of you to giving me Cartic's name, you have been instrumental to this. Thank you for always supporting me.

Most of all I want to thank you for reading and especially those who have commented an dcommented more than once. You have made this feel like writing for good friends. If you ever wanna chat I'm on tumblr as bigbootbitch. This is the first writing project I've ever finish so thank you. Thank you all.

Also I'm just gonna plug my podcast, Briikasak: A Mandalorian Podcast, if you wanna hear me talk about mando stuff for hours that's your place lol.

Ret'uryce mhi burc'ya (May we meet again, friends)

Cork

**Author's Note:**

> Mando'a Translation
> 
> dar'manda - one who has lost their mandalorian heritage
> 
> Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar’tome, mhi me’dinui an, mhi ba’juri verde - Wedding vows. We are one together. We are one apart. we will share all. we will raise warriors
> 
> beskar'am - Mandalorian armor
> 
> keldabe kiss - touching helmets together, Mando sign of affection
> 
> riduurok - Wedding cermony, can also refer to the vows themselves
> 
> Mando'ade - mandalorians, literally children of mandalore
> 
> Mandokarla - the prefect example of what a mandalorian should be. huge praise to refer to someone as this.
> 
> Ner ad'ika - my child. ner is my. Ad'ika more means little one (pet name for a child)
> 
> Jate ca - Good night
> 
> Riduur - Spouse (Mando'a has no gendered words)
> 
> Aliit - family or clan
> 
> Alor - leader, in this case the armourer
> 
> Verd'ika - pet name meaning little soilder
> 
> Ne shab’rud’ni - Phrase translating to roughly don't mess with me but is usually followed by violence. A strong warning.
> 
> Buir - Parent, in this case father.
> 
> Vor entye - Thank you. Literally translates to I accept a debt.
> 
> Gar shuk meh kyrayc - saying that means get some rest. Literally translates to you're no use to me dead. In mando'a is and encouraging or caring statement.
> 
> k'uur - hush
> 
> buir cuyir nuhoy - parent is sleeping
> 
> osik - shit
> 
> haar'chak - damnit
> 
> nu draar - not ever
> 
> jate'kara - destiny or good luck
> 
> cyar'ika - beloved, sweetheart
> 
> birikad - baby carrying harness. (yes there is serious word for that)
> 
> ni ceta - rare apology meaning, I kneel
> 
> mesh'la - beautiful
> 
> Vode an - Brothers (comrades) all. A mandalorian battle song.
> 
> tiingilar - Very spicy mandalorian casserole dish
> 
> shereshoy - uniquely mandalorian sentiment that would roughly be the idea of live while you can. The idea that not time should be wasted
> 
> Ne'tra gal - Dark mandalorion beer comparable to a milk stout. literally black beer
> 
> Gar taldin ni jaonyc; gad sa buir, ori'wadaas'la - It doesn't matter who your parents; the parent you are is most important. (saying)
> 
> Ni kar'taylir gar darasumm - I love you literally I hold you in my heart eternally.
> 
> ret'uryce mhi - goodbye literally we'll meet again
> 
> Ori'buyce, kih kovid - All helmet no head. Over developed confidence or self importance.
> 
> di'kut - idiot
> 
> Mevaar ti gar? - How are you?
> 
> ba'vodu - aunt/uncle
> 
> bid - so
> 
> kaysh - he/she/they (singular)
> 
> Jate var'tuur - Good morning
> 
> Ner kar'ta - my heart
> 
> Din'ika - 'ika' can be added to names to make them endearments
> 
> copikla - cute (only children and animals, not adults)
> 
> Batnor - drunk (lit on your back, passed out)
> 
> Haryc b'aalyc - drunk (lit tired and emotional)
> 
> lararyc - Drunk (happy drunk, carousing)
> 
> par jii - for now
> 
> Olarom - Welcome (Greeting, not verb)
> 
> Meshgeroya - soccer (football) like game mandos love. literally translation, beautiful game
> 
> hut'uun - coward, very serious insult
> 
> buire - parents
> 
> Ba’jur, Besk’gam, Ara’nov, Aliit, Mando’a bal Mand’alore. An vencuyan mhi - The resol'nare. Education, armor, defense, clan, mando'a, and responded to the mand'alore. All keep us safe.
> 
> Mirjahaal - peace of mind (healing from a trauma) usually emotionally or mentally
> 
> bic - it (its)
> 
> Naas - nothing, no big deal
> 
> Munit tome'tayl, skotah issa - Long memory, short fuse. A desired mando mindset
> 
> Tion mhi aliit - will you be my clan
> 
> Slaakal'ulik - mudhorn. (I made this up. Comes from the words mud- slaat, blade- kal and pack animal - ulik)
> 
> Vheh'yaim - traditional temporary mandalorian home
> 
> Atinla - stubborn (adjective)
> 
> Ven'riduur - future spouse
> 
> cuun - our


End file.
